itsfeedingtimeagain

BTW: I don't 'blog'- I 'You Tube'!!!!!!!

2010-08-27T19:41:00.004+01:00

I haven't used this for a loooooooooooong time. I was SHIT at blogging stuff!!!!!! Aint a lot better at You Tube BUT... at least I post stuff daily n say what I WANT to say etc.....
Ifound I can better communicate via You Tube than here.
Don't make me bad.
Dont make me anythin any different than before..... exept I've learned I can talk at cameras better than I can write..... Xx
http://www.youtube.com/user/littlewhippet76?feature=mhum

The Fight against Evil

2009-12-08T05:56:00.003Z

It's wearing me out, battering the life out of me, a little more each day. I wake up weaker, find it in me to be srtonger then end the day feeling like I've been sucked a little drier.
Last night was bad.
Just the sight of the food they'd cooked me, pathetically sat there- the 4 oven chips, 2 limp undercooked vege fingers and what looked like a mountain of sweetcorn & peas on my less-than-dinner-sized plate, boiled an anger and rage within me that I thought I would tear my own limbs from my body before even being able to sit down at the informal breakfast bar evening meal location, in my own messy kitchen with Kerrang Radio blarrin' out in the background.
I actually believed there and then, I would slip into a coma of anger and despair the second I picked up a forkfull.
I will spare the detail of the next painful half hour where the thing that saddens me most was my son leaving the kitchen with a nervous smile and jokey over-tones in his comments that he was gonna go watch some TV or somethin' and leave me & hubby to 'bickle at each other' or words to that effect.
I manged half of that meal, washed down with soda & polite sips of Ameretto over ice.
Then the pain set in for real.
Hubby got my meds, far earlier than usual, cancelled the regular Monday night supermarket run (which I don't go along to anymore) and sat with me while I was shaking, crying and totally overwhelmed with what just happened.
It all came out.... I explained over and over that the evil that is in me, isn't an eating disorder- it's a raging evil that is coped-with with the ED.
It is coped with by starving.
It is coped with by drinking (sometimes), by shopping, by going to work everyday and putting 110% into my job.
When i'm a normal to above normal body mass, it is coped with by all the above, including bouts of self-harm out of frustration, by over-partying- I could go on but the point is, as I explained to him- I simply have to 'cope' in some way because this evil- this goddamn evil inside me NEVER goes away, no matter how well I look, how well I functon, how well I convince myself and the world that I'm ok.
And that's why I feel like I have lost the fight again.
Nothing ever changes. Years go by and I hope I am ok (I know i'm not). Less help becomes available because I never get 'cured' and no-one can ever find a way to help me for good. So I get through on the basis that I 'look' ok and function.
I can't do that anymore..... the thought (the thought i've had for too long now) that I could spend the rest of my life fighting this, depresses more than I can deal with anymore.
And although lack of food, is NOT the answer, it is the only thing right now that can dampen the pain. As hubby told me 'then they'll blame you feeling this way on the anorexia and treat you for that and not help you with the 'evil' you keep on about'
I know what he means.
But right now, I just don't know what to do next.
Appointment with new therapist on Thursday.
Someone out there must know something..... MUST know a way out. Please share with me. Please help me.
I'm not mad. But i'm getting there.

its real, its REAL, oh the misery- i'll die laughin, never!

2009-11-17T19:59:00.002Z

Am back. Never been away. Here.... but just simmering.
Strange how I could tell tales of my successes these last few months; impress you with my achievements, my new job, the friends I've made there, the way I've coped with the harsh reality shit that gets slung at you day in day out- all the positives and the happies and the smilies. Yet, for every bad time, for every fuck up and every very very deeply fucked up ED related piece of crap that weaves itself into my good times- I have very little success to report.

See, I kinda hoped like hell when I started this blog that I would somehow lightly bounce my way to certain recovery with a princess smiledoning ruby slippers and a sweet basket full of organic veggies and gluten free cup cakes, swinging merrily by my side while I smiled my pearly yellows with a sneaky fag behind my back and no knickers on as I waltzed down that yellow sick road..... didnEE happen..... f'in surprise Dorothy. IT DON'T.

So now I am still here, desperatly seeking therapy for no reason other than I need to do something. Holding down my job and work friends who can't possibly picture the monster I turn into on evening's and weekends when it kicks in that I am Borderline too much to let anyone know just how bad it is but ED'd outta my head enough to starve-drink-vomit- kill myself every single Friday and Saturday night.

I live somewhere where there is no reality.

I am in a place that hurts so bad, I actually can't think how I'm still here.

But manage to somehow blag a life due to my impressively perfected BPD that has allowed me to swap in and out of the little worlds I exist in and convince just about everyone that isn't unfortunate to have married me/ lived with me/ slept in my bed for more than an hour to believe that I am happy, smiley fuckin-sometimes -goddamn -witty little me who is (elbow in ribs and a wink-) such a wicked laugh!!!!!!

I am dying here. I am suffering and wasting and I am broken. I am also functioning, happy and fit n healthy.

How the fuck do I know whats real???? The end of the world, the bottom of the pit, is non-existent, after a good nights sleep and a day at work. I am many people. And this is the problem.

Anorexia is no longer allowed round here.

Which means everythin else is allowed.

To stay on the edge.

And that means EVERYTHIN'.

And however much hell n destruction is brought on by that cocktail of 'alternatives'...

The thing I can't have.... will poke it's dirty fingers into every other corner of my otherwise non-planned out week (i'e. the hours when I not at work).

And so............. I is livin' in hell. And doin' a damn good job of it! ;)

Web sites/boards for ED's?

2009-05-15T12:20:00.010+01:00

I was just thinking about the different sites I have visited or become members of, over the last 5-6 years, in relation to Eating Disorders and Mental Health issues... It's probably quite a lot!

I don't really use them much, I'm more of your 'secret browser' type who lingers about, just reading posts that catch my eye- I've never really 'got into' being a part of any of them. Not purposely, just always felt un-worthy of them or totally above them- good old black and white thinking, just for a change!

There is a particular one (won't mention names) that I have been a member of for over 5 years now, that I still log onto almost daily. It is definately NOT pro-ana, although a great many people that are members of this site have been there longer than me and are mostly deep in ED dominated lives. I used to find this site terribly fascinating and would sit logged on for hours at a time, bemused by the subjects that were up for 'discussion'. I think I posted twice ever on this site and didn't much like the reaction I got to whatever it was I posted about. I log onto it now out of general nosiness, I suppose, and because it's been that many years, I almost feel like I know some of these people, even though they wouldn't have a clue who I am even on a username basis. They post pics, write diaries and talk about their lives and food, really positive, real stuff mostly. But then there is your share of who's eaten what and thrown it up too!

Allsorts.

I used to feel quite jealous that I couldn't seem to get involved as much as many of them... sometimes I had good advice based on my experiences or had input I could have given to help someone but I just couldn't seem to join in, no matter how many hours I hung around reading. Some people seem 'to' into them to me. Like, 'how can they be getting on with their lives and trying to recover if they're forever bloody posting on here?'. I know the desperation and depression and dis-attachment that ED's can bring about and it was probably one of the places they felt happiest and among those that understand, when trapped in a world that just can't seem to help or give you what's needed (hell knows you don't know yourself!) I think maybe I was just TO depressed and past caring to have the energy to get involved, rather selfishly speaking- !!! I like this blogging lark better... it's kinda like talking to yourself too, a lot of the time for me, anyway. And an immediate response is un-important, or indeed, any response. It's just nice to vent (smile face)

And anyway.... I was thinking to myself, how at different stages of my ED, the different things I got out of sites such as these... and how when I was a teenager, trapped in a world of ED's and not really understanding why or how it happened to me or what I was going to do about it.... and what the fuck I did before the world wide web.

Feeding time ticks on

2009-05-14T14:56:00.004+01:00

Haha... ok, still here:) Will take me some time to set my other blog up and frankly, my concentration levels are crap right now; to sit down and put something decent together will mean I need a day to myself and have absolutely NOTHING else to do... but I will get it done.
I feel a whole lot stronger for having put my foot down as regards letting other people talk me into having a problem with ED all over again. I quite like where I am right now, in my head. I will, of course, change my tune completely over the course of the next few days/ weeks but that be of little surprise!!
However......... I think that maybe if I pay attention to the other area's of my mental health, it may be more beneficial to me overall. I'm just TOOOOO Borderline lately and a little OCD. It's strange, though, as I just function SO efficiently with my little rituals, my constant writing things down, my tick boxes and all that... hey, why would I want to chill and def doing all that when it enables me to be so useful???? Joking aside, that stuff can be a little OTT but at least I have recognition of it. It's like every other dimension of my mental health currently- is not bad enough to worry about and not near normal enough to forget. But I'm cool and I'm smiling and always aware...... XX

Brick wall or climb over into life...

2009-05-12T11:36:00.003+01:00

Before I started this blog, I had been very mentally messed up for at least 4 years previous, probably more.
No-one really knew the depth of it, maybe they did, doesn’t matter- things were BAD. Until the last 7-8 months. I challenged myself to make real progress ED and mental health wise.
I lost some weight- gradually, steadily and healthily, by eating well and drinking less alcohol. It worked- I lost the excess pounds from my initial anorexia recovery weight gain. And now I feel physically super! I’m happy with my body, the way I look and I eat a proper diet with adequate calories.

Alarm bells are, however, ringing in the ears of some others in my life.
This seems to be
a problem for THEM.

So, I’m compliant and eager to let them know things are going well… Yes, I’ll agree to get some checks done, just to keep on top of it.
Ok, so say I go to see my doc and we get my BMI measured to start…
Based on my calculations with a UK Official Health Chart, even if I’m a few pounds lighter than what I believe I actually am right now, I’ll still be in the ‘Normal’ range.
So the doc asks me how stuff is…. It’s great, life’s good and much better than the past 4 years. I’m happy at work, at home and in general.
I do moderate exercise, every now and then.
I feel generally healthy and my female system is working ok (although I have got some related issues, nothing to do with the ED, on that front- woman’s stuff!) I have enough of a body-fat percentage to produce hormones. If it comes about that I don’t, I will work with medical to people and sort it out. I want to be healthy.
My depression and mental health is stable, my outlook- very positive- My communication with my family when I have an off day- very good. I smile, I have energy, I love my life.
I go out for meals with my family and friends, I enjoy it very much. My range of foods has broadened and I’m not so afraid of eating things I would never have allowed myself before, going back even more years than the active-eating disorder.

I believe I will always have ED related issues for the foreseeable future.
One day, maybe something will click and I’ll let go completely. I believe that day will come and hope very much that it does.
Time is precious and I can sit around waiting for that day. Or I can do what I’m doing now- getting on with life, ensuring that I keep myself healthy, happy and challenging hiccups with eating issues that I would like to try and iron out, chip away at the many parts that make up my ED and slowly, carefully and thoroughly erase them from my life. As I’m doing now.
I need to be treated as the person that I am. Not as the person I was 4 years ago. I may be far from recovered but I’m far from ill.
Don’t take me for a child-like imbecile.
Be honest. Don’t conspire behind my back. Give me back what I give you- ask MY opinion, listen to me, understand what I say, what I mean, give me some credit.
I want the same as you- and so far, I’m doing a good job at getting it.
Don’t ruin it. Life is too short.
I have other interests in my life- things I want to do- things I already do, and am going to link a new blog, devoted to those activities and share what I love doing, what I’m good at and what my life is about and what I’m going to make it about.
I have ‘shared’ the ED and feel no need to share any further. I believe, for now, I have come as far as I can and am happy with the place I am at.
I will come back to this blog periodically but am going to work on setting up my new blog, my writing, my other life that exists outside of food issues.
Thank You.
Sar. xx

ED and MY HAIR!!!???? Read this!

2009-05-08T16:19:00.006+01:00

OMG!!!!

I've just had a sudden chain of thoughts, sparked off in the strangest way but has just been an eye opener and a real useful realisation for me in way of understanding my ED and the way my brain works...

Here goes....a lovely girl who I work with a couple of days a week and I, have just been having a conversation about hairstyles and hairdressers as I went to get a haircut yesterday afternoon.

Now, there is a bit of a story that goes along with my hair. I have, for years and years, had really long hair, usually with no particular style, just lots of colour and bleach!

Then, last year, I had what I considered to be a DISASTER with a decision I made about getting a haircolour done and ended up having to have A LOT stuff done to it that I really had no choice over and went from having hair that I loved to a tangled load of long, dry, brittle, broken, split, almost black witch-like hair. (due to the mess that was made of the colour, black was the only way to cover it up)

I really, really got into a terrible state about it and for weeks, wore a hat constantly- I wouldn't even let my husband see my hair as I felt as though I was the ugliest thing that ever walked (honestly, I really did).

Even then, I refused to get it cut or done into a style that would have helped the way it looked, as the thing that mattered to me most, even after all the mess, was the length of my hair. I didn't care that it was shit hair- to me, the fact that it was long meant that I had grown that and it was to stay no matter what! The thought of someone cutting even a centimeter off it, would be too much to bear. I had got my hubby to trim it a couple of times over the last few years but it was the most tiny bit off the ends and after he'd done it, I would keep going back to the mirror and checking and measuring the length and compare to how it was before I let him trim it. It was madness, as I knew it was in urgent need of cutting and logically knew that it would be much nicer if I had it cut but something inside my head could not do it.

This may sound really over the top and exaggerated but I tell you, it certainly is not!

The reason I'm sharing all this is because I realised, in having this conversation today, how I've managed, without realising it, to let go of my unreal idea that to be beautiful, my hair just HAD to be long or I was ugly (regardless of condition!) My hair now looks lovely and is way shorter than has been for ages and has some sort of style which I bit the bullet and had done about 3 months ago. It was a sudden decision and the day I decided to do it, I knew I had to get an appointment then and there, that very day or I might not go through with it. Funny thing is, to me it was SUCH a BIG DEAL and the anxiety for about a week after was immense. I started to analyse photographs of my hair now against that of a year ago and pulled them to pieces in my head about whether I looked less attractive with my new hairstyle- all in the same way that I do with my ED and photo's from the past against now- and the anxiety and feelings are identical!

I find it a very interesting connection, for perhaps a little more consideration and thought, see what's really going on.

I don't think it makes me a shallow person, as in, I only care how I look- as that's not the case- it's more the thought of me doing something that might put me in a worse position than i'm in now (even though that position NOW may not be best) and passing control to someone else to trust them to do what I want and not mess it up for me.

I guess it's to do with changes and habits and not wanting to let go of something for fear and not-knowing so can be easier to stay as you are. And even when my hair was truly at 'rock bottom'- (that sounds real funny!),it took me a year to let go and sort it out. And now I can have a conversation with my collegue about hairstyles and not feel an inch of anxiety that it's not that long anymore and that that has no real impact on my life or how I feel about myself deep inside.

This may sound weird and 'what the hell!!' but it has just struck several chords with me how distorted I can make trivial things and I find it interesting....Hmmmmm.

Xx

Why write at all?....

2009-05-07T11:14:00.006+01:00

I wanted this blog to be a bit like an online diary, in relation to my daily life and how i'm making changes for the better to stay well and happy despite the ED battles.

I know it's not a popular blog and I haven't really promoted it very much but I get more out of reading the other peoples blogs and just having somewhere to vent and clear the jumbled thoughts in my head, just to write it all on a page is theraputic.

I suppose what dissapoints me a little, is that there was a couple of people whom I asked to read it.... non-bloggers, family members, that I wanted to read through my entries, a couple of times a week. It's not that I can't communicate with these people, quite the opposite in fact. I just like to talk to them about other things, in this busy life we all lead... if I were to spend all evening talking to them about the stuff I write here, there may be a little time to do anything else, you know, the LIVING life everyday stuff.

Also, I may not be able to get across what I'm trying to say while we're watching TV, doing homework etc. it may come out wrong and make me feel worse for bringing it up. Airing my thoughts this way, is more practical on many levels.

The idea was that they would read it and it would help them to see how I go about helping myself more clearly, PROMOTE UNDERSTANDING. So they don't need to worry.... of course, verbal communication is always ideal and we do do that- it's just that it usually ends up in a bit of conversation where i'm saying "Yeah but.... yeah but....it's not like that..... LISTEN to me!" and so forth.

And writing it all on here enables me to get it out- be heard. And hopefully shows that I AM trying to keep things going well on the ED front.

Please just read.

Ortharexia or a preference for nutritious food?

2009-05-05T09:19:00.012+01:00

I got 3 very topical aspects of my life right now to waffle on about.... thought I might share my thoughts about each, help myself understand what's going down with where I'm at right now, not just ED related but the other stuff that goes along with helping me keep the ED under wraps and having as little impact on my life as possible. I'll save the other 2 for tomorow as I've got quite a lot to say about each.

First off- ORTHAREXIA (hope I spelled that right!). There are so many different and complex labels/ diagnosis give to 'disordered eaters' these days that I generally don't pay an awful lot of attention- only because I believe that if a person has an eating pattern that is messed up enough to be causing problems in their life- it shouldn't matter what label they're given my a medical person- they need and deserve adequate help to try and recover from it. Also the fact that most Eating Disorders cross over, (whether you be anorexic, morbidly obese), sometimes on a daily basis, between starving, binging, excessive exercise, eating only certain food groups etc. However- back to the Ortharexia- I'm using this 'label' as I'm aware that a medical person may mention this in response to the way I eat currently. And I guess the reason for this post, is that I get quite annoyed/upset when others question or comment on my food choices, even though I choose them because I believe them to be nutritionally the best option.

For example: I don't eat anything I don't like/ don't really enjoy the taste of just because it's 'good for me'. Certain fruit & veg I dislike and would probably leave them on my plate, were I served them. However, I DO love vegetables and foods such as salmon, chicken, turkey, also prefer granary bread to white bread and prefer sweet potatoes and brown rice to their 'white' alternatives. This is partly because I was brought up on foods such as these and developed a taste for them naturally and have therefore become my favourite foods, partly because I know them to be nutritionally better for me and partly because given the choice, I know they are going to provide with all-round better nutrition than the less nutritious alternatives. In a restaurant, I'm more likely to choose a piece of salmon with asparagus than lasagne even though I like both these foods- for the reasons given above. If they had run out of salmon and only lasagne was available-I would eat the lasagne. Same as if I'm at a friends house for dinner- I will eat the steak and chips if that's what is on offer. So, to me, that's not 'Ortharexia' or an ortharexic trait but a choice that I make for the good of my body. Obviously, there are certain foods that I find difficult to eat due to the ED, that I REALLY like but I DO try and make a consious effort to have them every now and then to gradually break my thought patterns that go with them.

If I was talking to a dietician that knew nothing of my ED history, I feel sure that my diet would be impressive! The problem that I come against is that a few people see what they think they're seeing and conclude that I may not be eating properly. To explain, if I have a spinach salad & with olive oil, pine nuts, a hummus dollop and a brown roll as a side dish with my dinner, it would be calorifically equal to a thick slice of white bread & butter.... ok. But I not only PREFER the taste of the afore mentioned, it is obviously a much more nutritious choice. Same as, if I'm out and about and need a snack, if there is a newsagents selling Mars bars next to a wholefoods shop selling Trek bars, then i'm going to go for the latter- I LOVE Trek bars and nutty/seedy snacks!! I think others sometimes just see 'a salad' or' a 'health bar so must be low in calories' and don't bother to try and understand that it's a salad covered in pumpkin seed oil or a health bar packed with nuts and fruit and therefore, an adequate source of calories and nutrients.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't sometimes get anxious over eating a piece of chocolate or some crisps, I do- and one thing that causes that is that I know foods like these may leave me hungry or not feeling as physically satisfied and therefore I will feel the need to eat again soon and that can make me feel anxious. But I have started to introduce them, in a way that I might have a handful of walnuts with 2 pieces of chocolate or crisps with an apple, as a balanced snack, instead of ALWAYS having a Trek bar. I know that's normal and ok as far as

I just want to not be penelised for doing the best for myself and enjoying feeling full of vitality for eating well. I don't NEED to stuff myself full of biscuits to prove that I'm 'well' or recovered or whatever!!! I did that in recovery a couple of years ago and ended up at around 10 stone with a still-very-active eating disorder!! And just to get people off my back. Yes, I will have a biscuit with a cup of tea and a full-fat latte... but day to day, when it's my choice, of course i'm going to have my preference- isn't that what people do?

Je n'ai rien et tout pour dire...

2009-04-29T12:20:00.017+01:00

Just thoughts floating round my head, creating an alternate world, an unreachable idealistic place that doesn't really exist and wouldn't ever happen and if it did, I want to be somewhere/ someone else anyway...I love France and the French culture and their clothes-style and their lifestyle and the language and their accents and the cheeses and wines and fancy breads . I want to live in a small coastal town in France, in a pretty, narrow, cobbled street. With the aroma of fresh baked croissants and strong black coffee, in the early morning air. I want a French bicycle with a basket, or just an old, large wheeled, slightly rusty, black bicycle and I want to ride to the market, in my floral dress and fill my basket with fresh produce- vegetables, fruits, fine cheese, quality wine, fresh flowers.

I love France. Many holidays in France as a child. With family, with school. Husband hates France and the French; he's never been there.

Too much going on to write anything.

I could talk for hours but I'm choosing to stay silent.

I'm very worried BUT calmly accepting the anxiety, fed by a very REAL source.

Just some health fuck-ups. Maybe they're not as bad as I imagine or maybe they're worse.

I can't write, currently, as I don't know how to feel, so I've put my feelings on hold and consequently can't write. But I AM happy. IAM HAPPY and I'm SMILING.

It's not the ED. It's about something bigger than that

Bien Vivre

L'amour beaucoup,

De rire souvent!

What's their problems with 'AGE & BIRTHDAYS??'

2009-04-21T13:50:00.007+01:00

This is something that I would put down as one of my biggest bug-bears!

I actually find myself boiling up over this and yet, people poking fun at each other for being 'nearly 40' 'or 'getting too old' or 'another year down the pan' is all I hear whenever one of our friends has a birthday. AAARRGGHH!!

Maybe I am just being a litte too deep over this. I guess due to the lifestyle I have and have had, partially due to choice, partially down to ED, I believe I have had my fair share of luck in a many ways, as regards my health and illness and for that, I am VERY grateful!! Yes, the ED curse has shaped and affected and grey-tinted my world and the way I live and, is going to be a continuous battle in order to stay well BUT for everything else on the health front, I need to realise that I AM someone, who has not incurred serious illness or disability during my life so far.

I have done some terrible things to myself, as a result of mental ill-health. I have put my body under enormous stress and I have experienced some dreadful mental illnesses and my family have had to deal with all that too. But I am still here.

It's my 33rd birthday on Saturday and I, like every year, am thankful and delighted that I am alive and (touch wood) healthy.

Why would I groan or complain that I have reached another birthday? Would I have rather been one of the unfortunate who lost their life during this passed year? No. Would I have rather died and not been able to carry on living and being with my family? No. Is there things I still want to do in life, places I want to see? Do I want to watch my son grow up and be there for him? Do I want to be a granny with tattoos? Yes. Do I want to hide my husbands false teeth while he's asleep for a laugh? Yes. Do I want to be retired and sit in the garden sipping wine, havin a fag, chatting up the 'young gardener lad' ? YES!

Ok, none of us want to experience age-related illnesses and losing our memories or having any of the problems that can occur as a result of 'getting old'.

But those things don't always happen.

Just like when we're young or middle aged. Some people die, maybe they were a friend or a family member. Maybe someone who lived next door, someone at work, someone you used to go to school with, the young lady who worked on the ciggie counter in Tesco... maybe they were in a tragic accident... contracted cancer, had an un-detected heart condition... whatever it was, however old they were, 12, 21, 51.... they aren't here NOW and won't be here again- and that makes me sad. And makes me wonder why it's such a joke to be another year older, when to me, it's an honor.

Sorry if this offends anyone... It's something I have very strong feelings about... as you now know. Xx

Sod Prozac- dose of seaside where it's at

2009-04-17T07:31:00.023+01:00

Sings... 'Oh, I do love to be beside the seaside....'

And I do. Well, at least MY seaside, which is Swanage Bay. It's our family weekend get-away that never fails to enduce smiles on all our faces all at the same time and fully refreshes and revives us, however crap the previous week/ month has been.

We pretty much do the same stuff everytime we go and it's always as good as the time before.

It's become our 'special' family place and this time was, as usual, fantastic. I was going to ramble on a lot about holidays past and present as I have a lot to share but I will save that for another time, as I feel really happy for seeing these pics and don't want to ruin that right now. So, here is a couple of weekend pics of us doing what we love most.

This is my son Max, in the beer garden of a local pub 'The Red Lion' where mostly, it seems, the locals drink. We sat sipping cider, people watching and chatting and feeling the 'whooze' of a 5 o'clock half pint, with salty lips and wind-blown tangled sea -hair and colour in our cheeks from exposure to the goodness of all that is 'seaside'.

Check this out for a beautiful morning sun glow! It was the best feeling in the world to be stood there, no wind- warm sun, smell of sea salt and fish&chips and sound of light waves breaking. Was truly heavenly!

This is Max and I at Old Harry Rocks. Just behind where I'm positioned, is a very narrow piece of cliff that is extremely dangerous. You can walk along it but few people do, as the drop either side is straight down vertical into the sea. I was genuinely terrified to even sit on the grass for this pic although the views and the rocks are beautiful, they're white chalk and the sea below is very blue and clear.

Swanage Bay pier late evening time.

Max on Weymouth Beach, after the pedaloes and much needing ice-cream for re-fuel- kids!!!!

This is a view from a cliff by Durdle Door, near Lulworth Cove. Just spectacular.

Me & hubby in Lulworth Cove, chilling, enjoying the fact we were back at our place where we all connect as a family, make each other laugh and somehow seem to all be on the same wavelength and just get such a lot out of 'being in each others company'.

Weekends like this are truly special and I find them a great aid in getting things into perspective. The trick is, holding onto that when they're over. Xx

2 posts today! This ones fun though!!!

2009-04-08T13:04:00.002+01:00

Very quick post here while i'm having my lunch at work... I know I posted early today but I just had a lovely little thing happen...
I just popped over the road, to go get ciggies & a drink on my lunch break. I've been calling in the green grocer next to the newsagents and buying little punnets of blueberries to go with my usual sandwich at lunchtime and they're absolutely delicious! So ripe and tasty from there, not like the ones from the supermarket. It's always the same lady in there, with her old fashioned brown over coat, like they used to wear in green grocers before everything became modern and clinical and she counts your change out back into your hand and wraps your goods in a brown paper bag and swings it at the edges to twist it sealed.
Well, today she said to me 'Oh hello... you came in yesterday for blueberries? Do you like our blueberries?'
And I proceeded to tell her how I love them with my sarnie and that they are so lovely from here and she'll probably see me everyday. And somehow, it made me feel nice- like maybe every day, I'll have a quick conversation with her and if I miss a day, the next time I go in, we'll joke about 'how I didn't go in yesterday as I'd got some apples that needed eating' or whatever!

I just felt happy she'd remembered me, like, I'm not invisible and sometimes people aren't caught up enough in the rat-race of business and making-money and all that, to just take your money and not look at you or have any desire to possibly want a conversation.
I just wanted to share that.

However...when I'd sat back down at my desk with my sarnie & blueberries on my plate, I discovered i'd put Marmite in with my peanut butter and white cabbage and I can confirm (haven eaten it all anyway) that blueberries and Marmite DO NOT GO WELL... just in case anyone would have reason to think otherwise ;)

frustration-loved ones-arguements-Hmmmm...answer is?

2009-04-08T10:54:00.010+01:00

Hey, I had a thought (again)...

Non-disordered eating people (does that even sound right?) who are 'under-weight' for example, like the people on that programme Supersize V Superskinny, they live 'normal' lives due to the fact that they aren't mentally unwell, with food issues.
So- if I'm beating the ED and constantly working at finding ways to help myself and make things good, stay well, does it really matter that i'm hovering about at the lower end of the ideal weight range, so long as I'm considered healthy and have no health problems relating to weight? Does it REALLY matter or is it more essential that my mind stays focused on keeping irrational ED dictations out of the picture?
I'm a little cross/ frustrated with someone, right now, a person in my life, who has made it clear they don't like that I have a few boney bits.....
Now, my arguement here, is this (was this, unfortunately and I HATE to argue about this subject):

Ok, I may have a few boney bits- and so???
Well, it's not very nice.
Sorry you don't like it, I'm at a healthy weight
But you look as though you aren't
What do you want me to do? Put some more weight on, even though i'm in the healthy range, just because you don't like my bony bits?
Yes
But that will cause a lot of anxiety, to try and gain some weight, when I've just managed to put in place a method of eating meals and snacks and including lots of different foods and keep my weight stable and feel happy and well and better than in years?
Yes, because you'd look a bit better
But no-one else seems to have a problem with the way I look and so what if they do? I see people who I believe to be 'too skinny' or 'too fat' and I don't have a problem with it, so long as they're happy with how they look. Why would I? AND, if I were concerned about a 'friend' as I thought they looked unwell, I would ask them how they are, if things are ok and how's it going... especially if I knew they'd been unwell in the past...
People aren't honest... no-one would say anything to you
Well, I can't control what other people do or think. It matters to me how I feel and how I know I am. Anyone who cares enough or who is close to me, those who matter, will not have a problem with the way I look, I already communicate with people around me about my insecurities about food and past ED history, a few people at work, my family and closest friend- by sharing this with them, it helps to keep me well- so the fact I'm quite open about my struggles means that they can ask me how i'm doing and not feel that they're being nosey
But you're too skinny....
I don't like you saying that- it's about more than that- I'm doing well, I'm not going to become ill and if I did, it's got nothing to do with the way I look now- I could be ten or eleven stone and deep into a cycle of binge eating/ vomiting/ abusing alcohol and severley depressed but would it be ok that I 'look' healthy- hey, I may even have 'fat' bits that you don't like...
I'd like them better than your bony bits...
But it's about my 'health' not the way I look- my physical and mental health- and I'm doing ok, I'm having the usual issues that I've always had, but I'm doing better than in along time...
But I think your too thin...

Can you see how this might have continued round in circles. It's hard as I need this person on my side- with me. Telling me how proud they are of me for making the decision to try and help myself, keeping the ED under control. To see the bigger picture and that the glass is half full here. One of the reasons I decided to start blogging was to record how things are going, get advice, give advice and to be honest with myself and share my progress & problems. Surely that's not the way a person who wants to let their eating disorder run away with their life would go about things?
I know loved ones find it difficult. But I do need them to listen to me and know that I will and do ask for help when I'm struggling and in the meantime, lets just enjoy ourselves.

The truth is out

2009-04-03T07:16:00.007+01:00

I am caught in an far- more -than- usual erratic string of thoughts.
It has been this way for several days now.
It's not good or bad, just unsettling and means it's hard for me to write anything here.
Too many jumps in emotions. Or too quickly. Or both.

Ok- this is this the 'thing'. And I don't like to validate the way I feel emotionally to how I am physically but I know EXACTLY what my issue is now:
Currently, I'm around a body weight where i'm still 'healthy' but only just. And I mean from a medical proffesional chart type of thing. Were I to actually have a BMI calculated, it would be in the healthy range but a couple of pounds down would be too low.
I'm happy with how I feel, look, the way my clothes fit, the way I feel physically, the type- frequency and amount of food I consume, my social eating is going ok (it's better than in a long time)... So...
WHATS THE FUCKING PROBLEM?....

Surely this would be everything I need to just carry on living and flapping about with the every day stuff- work, needing to go buy make-up, have I called my mom in days????

Problem is: l'm not used to functioning normally at my current physical status.

There. I said it. And this is what it means:

Whenever I have gone rapidly downhill ED & depression wise, in the past, it has always been at around this stage. Now, this time it's different.
I'm the way I am now from cutting back on drinking alcohol all the bloody time.
I'm the way I am now from doing some exercise.
I'm the way I am now from eating a wide range of foods from all different food groups and not 'binging on protein' or 'getting stuffed on vegetables' or eating 20 diet yogurts in a day.
I'm the way I am now without being terribly depressed, out of control, abusing alcohol, hurting my family.
I am the way I am now and holding down my job, looking after my family, having fun and living a nice life.

I have linked, in my head, that being physically, as I am now, with being in a pretty bad Eating Disorder place.
And this is why my mood jumps are so frequent lately. When I'm at work or having fun or enjoying time with my family, I am the strong, confident happy person that is Sar. This is where I believe I am REALLY- deep down, I am still this Sar and NOT the 'ED' Sar.
When I'm tired or having a down day or out somewhere I don't want to be, I am hunched up, hands in sleeves, looking afraid and skinny and holding myself as I did deep in the ED- checking for 'bones', room in jeans, measuring arms with hands and portraying myself as though I would rather be invisible. But this isn't where I am mentally. I can just slip in and out of this, like a spoiled child, when it's all too much- an escape route, a trap door.

And I guess that last line sums it up. I'm in a very safe but very dangerous place. It's up to me to stay on the safe side as that is what I want for myself. But i'm close enough to the bad place that if 'need strikes', I'm within reach of the deadly crutch.

And maybe that is why I'm so far from full recovery but so far from being ill.

I posted here, a while ago, about this subject but couldn't put my finger on why I am stuck in this place. Now, it's quite clear.

I won't accept full recovery but won't allow myself to be ill.

And now I have some thinking to do. Input anyone?

Lastly and totally off subject...
I took this picture last week, before I came into work one morning. I was early and went for a wander...This church is at the back of where my office is and I hardley ever go over. It was so beautiful and peaceful, I wanted to freeze time and just stand there... it was perfect. And even my shitty camera phone managed to do it justice. ;)

Brief self- review

2009-04-02T13:06:00.007+01:00

Since yesterday, when I couldn't really get in tune with myself, I thought I should review where I'm at with things and what i'm going to do to ensure that I keep heading in the direction of what i'm trying to achieve here, which was to find a safe, healthy, fun and forefilling way to live without the ED crutch. I seem to have temporarily lost sight of that...

It was going well. It still is- just over the last week or so, a slight rebellious streak has set in. A couple of minor setbacks have occured since I started writing on my blog and I managed to shake them off and carry on battling. Then, another couple of minor slips and I'm feeling a little like I've lost my focus and started being less kind to myself than I should be. And I don't want that.

I'm just not entirely sure where to start.

As regards the food issues...
I've completely overwhelmed and confused myself by trying to be too creative and colourful with my new food ideas ,introducing items that I would like to eat without any problem but then finding that it wasn't as easy and straightforward as I'd hoped and getting my head into a tangle over it. I just need to slow right down with all that and realise that it's not a bad thing or a set back to not be able to do that right now- I've established a daily menu template that ensures I eat a balanced breakfast, snacks and lunch and cook a meal for the family's evening meal. And I've successfully implemented this into my daily life.
This has taken away a hell of a lot of the anxiety and wasted time in a day that used to occur and that is a big achievement for me. I've just been trying too hard with this one and losing sight of the fact that I'm already doing well. I should stop punishing myself for messing up, when really I haven't messed up and feel good about myself for the way i've turned things round to help myself have a more stable footing with my meals.
I think i'll leave it here for today. I can see that I need to step back a bit and just live in the now, for what it is, at the level i'm at and not try and jump over any higher walls than I need to. I need to be comfortable and happy at the place i'm at before I try and get to the next, better place.
And I need to have a talk with some people close to me and get some feedback and assistance so I can head into the near future and continue to keep it ticking along.

Away with the fairies

2009-04-01T13:51:00.010+01:00

So glad it's halfway through the week... feeling a little 'floaty' today.

I feel a bit detatched, kind of like, there's nowhere I really want to be today; It's hard to explain- maybe I'm just needing to do something out of routine to shake myself up a bit. I don't even know if i'm happy; i'm a bit emotionless and empty, like I have no opinions or cares about much- I don't like it though. What I hate most, is how every day is so different as regards my moods, attitudes and outlook yet every day is pretty much exactly the same as regards it's content and events. Stability might be nice- (I think- don't know)

So, will veer off with a casual little thought that I had about footwear!

I love these boots (pic- it's a bad quality pic!)

I got the Doc Martens WITH A HEEL in January- I saw them and instantly had to go buy them. They're patent shiny black and SOOOO comfortable. And I can get away with them for work, under my trousers. I wear them 'victorian' style with long floaty skirts too. But I have to be in the right sort of mind-set to wear this look- it's more 'grown-up than my usual attire, in which I often end up looking like a hormonal, rebellious teenager with issues.

The other boots are made by a company called 'New Rock'.

I got these for christmas and they are also my top, top, top favourite boots in the world!! They have a steel heel and are very comfortable also. But only for going out or after-dark occasions.

Unlike clothes, footwear is usually JUST footwear. My feet are always going to be the same size regardless of how many apples or suet puddings I eat and I have no 'measurement' hang-ups with footwear, it's impossible, which is GOOD!

Only hang-up I can link to footwear is when I believe that the style of the footwear 'makes my legs look chunky'.

Which may well be true- as regards whether they are ankle boots or flat trainers etc. That can give the illusion of a person being shorter or taller and having a different posture to another pair of shoes. I won't put certain footwear with certain clothing items for that reason. And people DO notice- they'll say 'Gosh, you're really short!' Which i'm not.

I like it when I see someone in footwear I wouldn't expect them to have on. I could explain that one further but feel it might be just a little to 'deep' really, when i'm delving into 'footwear pyschology'- and, I daresay, not neccessary! Xx

DOUBLE POST TODAY!! Sudden change in feeling!!

2009-03-31T14:40:00.003+01:00

I know i've just posted BUT I've just had a rare BLAST of a revelation feeling come over me.
I left the office to pop over road and get Red Bull- and I sprang out, strided up to 'The crossing'- the cars stopped and I waved 'cheers' to them and carried on walking- I got my favourite coat on (long, black, leather coat- much like a funeral director or vampire might wear), my school shirt (don't laugh), hubby's tie, pin-striped trousers, my hair looks good, I feel bloody great AND then I held the shop door open for a business man who insisted I come through first... I shook my head, kinda winked at him and said 'Sod womens lib!' and he smiled and came through, and I just felt pumped & powerful and happy and then this thought swept over me- that- right now, at this point in my life- I AM happy with things, with my family, the way I look, the effort I'm putting into crushing this ED ,my life as it is. I'm just afraid that things won't stay this way- and maybe that's whats bringing me down...
Maybe it's only me that can make things stay the way they are, so far as I can and I should really give myself a break. I'M content... I'm living a better quality of life than in years! Things are, overall- going good.
I just felt like I needed to add that, especially after the post just before- I told you I have many different thought patterns in a day (Oh, Bi-polar alert)... I think it's important to grab at the positives as well as rant about the negatives! Xx

Waste or Worry not?

2009-03-31T11:43:00.010+01:00

I've started buying certain food, like hummus or big yogurt pots... and immediately throwing half away.

I'm the only person, in my household, who eats these things.

I love them. I love hummus. And big pots of creamy yogurt, to go on cereal.

But the others don't eat it. And I find these foods 'scary' or fear foods, if you like; due to their high nutrition content in a small amount, relatively speaking.

But I could probably eat an entire pot/ tub of them in a day due to the tastiness and the fact that they're not stodgy and filling, on their own, but very eatable straight from the pot.

And I hate to feel that I have to eat something, just because it is nearly at it's sell-by or use-by date. But I do.I know that a 'non-disordered' eater would just eat it and not think anymore about it. But I guess I get issues.

So- instead of waiting to get to that point, I have started immediately 'halving' the contents- throwing half out, as soon as I buy it, so that I have half left to use for my meals and not a GREAT BIG pot. That seems to work better, in my head, than throwing away the unused gone off half???? It lowers my anxiety from the start, instead of it lasting days where I will be sitting at work thinking 'I must use up that hummus tonight but... Oh no- we're having Spaghetti Bolognaise and I won't be able to fit it into my meal... what a waste!'

I could but smaller pots but the items, as mentioned above, don't come any smaller and I buy them to be 'normal' and NOT have size issues... then do THIS crazy thing- !! Now I'm cross for writing this... such a fuck up.

Anyway- subject change: I noticed my handwriting changes in size and direction quite a lot, depending. On what, I'm not sure. I think it may be a Borderline Personality related trait. It annoys me though, as it triggers off the same thoughts as with food. That being 'Wow! I love the way I write today! I'm going to ensure I keep writing like this forever! Why would I have never written in this style before? Wow! What else can I write now, to keep doing it forever?'

Which is the same when I devise a new menu. Or wear a new outfit style. Or do my make-up a certain way...

God- this just goes on! No firm identity- no idea who I am or who I want to be, not really, not deep down.

And it's the same with my job.Which I love, what I mean is, lack of carrier/ direction. It's always been the same with every aspect of my life- I get bored- change my mind- get influenced from something/ somewhere/ someone..... and my whole philosophy changes; my attitude; my values; my opinions.

All because I don't REALLY know who I am at all.

I know we all change our views & outlooks etc, with time- but several times in day? Nearly every day? No wonder I'm confused and lost.

But am feeling bizarrely OK today. And will share with you, a pot of my favourite cream for my eyes & face. I love the texture & smell (reminds me of something from being a kid) and it sits nice and comfortable on my skin. I had sore eyelids last night and this made them feel lovely. I think I got Cillit Bang spray on my hands, then rubbed my eyes- or something. Silly girl!

Monday or Me?

2009-03-30T13:13:00.002+01:00

I have a lot to say today but don't really know how to say any of it.
I suppose that would be because I don't know how I really feel today. I know how I want to feel... and that would be a result of the effort I try to put in through looking after myself, eating well, challenging negative thoughts, focusing on that 'half FULL glass' (not the half that got spilt and had gone flat anyway! Ooh Sar, so negative!!) and all the things that make life so productive and great.
Maybe it's a Monday thing.
Or a the fact that we were robbed of an hour yesterday (it takes a good couple of days to get over that hour being swiped).
Or it could just be that I'm having just TOO much going on in the old noggin and I need to filter it during the course of the day and see what's left.
I felt a bit crap at the weekend, like I was going to have a flu virus or somethin' simular. And the takeaway we got on Saturday night may as well have been something I fished out of the canal. Had we actually eaten it, I might have died painfully. No more to say about that though, just won't use them again.
Right- it's a bit of a Monday thing and a bit of a SAR thing.
AND... a tosser in a BMW didn't stop at the crossing for me today.

Today is MY choice to be a good one

2009-03-27T07:07:00.009Z

'You do what you need to do and I'll do what I need to and we'll both wake up tommorow and the world will be a better place. I have 2 paths that will branch off around 6pm tonight and I'm pre-choosing the one that mean I wake tommorow feeling stronger and happier with far less effort'

This was my reply to a collegue who told me he was going out to get 'absolutely plastered' tonight and what was I going to be doing and why was I going to do that???

I had told him that I would be dropping my hubby off for a work outing then going home to prepare a lovely, fresh meal and pour a glass of red wine then watching some Sky+ recordings with my son, chilling on my bed, and probably be asleep by 9.30pm. This was met with a look from him, somewhere between confusion and disgust...LOL!
Strangely, on waking this morning, I immediately decided that today was going to be my choosing that I will do what I need to do in order to feel happy, safe and well AND strong.
I think it's due to a bit of a low feeling over the last couple of days, for one and another reason and I know that if I don't pick myself up right now- it will worsen very fast and become a mess.
I feel good with myself for finding the strenghth to be able to apply this as it's something I have been working on for last couple of months and it is usually not as easy as it seems to have been today.
I know things change very quickly, during the day, if something unexpected happens that cts off the 'good flow' but for now, I'm feeling good, yeah baby!!!

Just a quick flitting one here:

This morning I had to nip over to the post box before work, which involves crossing a zebra crossing, opposite the office building. I HATE going over that crossing as it causes me the biggest degree of anxiety to go over it and I actually had to convince myself that I was worthy enough to warrant the cars stopping for me to get across. And the more I thought about it, the more I realised that I ALWAYS hate going over that crossing and have done for a long time, yet I need to use it nearly every lunch break, to get over to the shops. It's like, if the cars or just 1 car doesn't stop for me, it means that the driver of that car has looked at me and didn't think I was worth stopping for..... I know that to be totally untrue but it's very real to me and today was the first time that I've questioned it. I have even been known to take post from the office and drive miles out of the way just to avoid going over the road. I have to stop for people to cross there when I arrive and leave work every day and it's no big deal- it's a small but busy village with this one main road running through it- I guess I think I will be making people angry by having to stop for me. And I have to gear myself up for it- strange anxiety situation when there could be so many other things on a daily basis that I would have thought would cause more of a 'problem'. Hmmmmm...
Anyway, lastly, I found these pics in my phone- I took them on our last trip down to Swanage, which is one of my special places in the UK that I love. We go for several weekends a year and It never fails to make me happy when I'm there.
The pics below were taken about 6am when I thought I had severe insomnia, only to realise that I hadn't taken my Zopiclone, Seroquel & other medication cocktail that night, which is an absolute MUST for me to have any chance of sleep (sadly enough) when I thought I had.
But it was even more beautiful in Swanage Bay, at that time of the morning, although the pics don't capture the whole experience. We due to go back at Easter weekend and I'm SO looking forward to it!
Have good weekend!Xx

The B word & P word

2009-03-26T13:32:00.007Z

WARNING: POTENTIAL TO OFFEND/ UPSET (unintentionally)
*Parts of this post are truly graphic and may be disturbing to read. I talk frankly about some occurrences that took place when I suffered from Bulimia Nervosa 14 years ago. Please do not read if you may be uncomfortable with the behaviours that go along with this illness, I do not mean any offence or upset to anyone at all*
I wanted to share this as it's something that I experienced during my early ED days that was far worse to me personally, than any of the current ED stuff I battle with. I noticed, when reading through a few blogs out there, how much I can relate to the struggles and sheer hell of Bulimia, even though now, thank God, I got through the worst of that particular avenue of ED.

I find it particularly uncomfortable to talk about this, one of the main reasons being the guilt and disgust I felt toward myself when I engaged in this behaviour (it was FAR beyond my control so maybe 'behavior' isn't the right word here), the total lack of other peoples understanding of 'why one would do this to oneself 'and the utter lack of control that goes along with it- in fact- to me- I have never been so un-in control ever of anything than the way I was when I was 17 and suffered from Bulimia.

To briefly let you know the picture- my main issues now and for the past several years, have been with anorexia and under-eating or restrictive eating, with occasional bursts of purging while restricting.
(Very occasionally, out & out binges followed by purging, usually alcohol related and usually late at night and usually- a one off.)

I was hospitalized as a teenager twice within the same year, first for re-feeding/ anorexia treatment and then several months later, for full blown Bulimia Nervosa.
When I say full-blown, I MEAN full blown. I’m talking from morning til night bingeing (not just at mealtimes) and purging, several times a day-EVERY DAY. Using all the money I could find to spend on binge food, including draining my bank accounts, all my wages, unable to hold down a job for very long, alcohol abuse, suicide attempts, self-harm, severe depression, burst blood vessels in my eye, vomiting into bags in my room for fear of being caught (I lived at home with my parents), vomiting into anything- anywhere. It was worse than hell and the suicide attempts were real- I couldn’t stop this illness- even from fear of instant death due to the physical strain but I couldn’t bear to live with it and had no way out due to the intense fear of being fat.

I won’t drag on with this- it hit an all time rock-bottom at that point and I DID come through it enough to get back to living safely, and although still heavily ED loaded, I was through the other side of the B word hell cycle.

The events that followed over the next ten years were, all in all, positive and exiting and enabled me to end up, in a very roundabout long long story sort of way, married with a son.

This post was also sparked off in relation to something my husband said to me. As I mentioned before, the return of the full-on ED a few years ago (when I went back to hospital for treatment) is based around restriction and the anorexia issues and not really much involvement as regards Bulimia.
However, I mentioned to him last week, when we were discussing the last couple of years in relation to ED & recovery, that there had been a few incidents where I had purged food or blatantly binged, especially late at night when we’d been out drinking and then gone to the chip shop at 3am blah blah ….. and he was shocked… and hurt that he didn’t know. There is so much more detail I could go into here- but the bottom line is this:
I never set out to do this.

I rarely do it.

It is the one thing that, when it strikes, it’s usually unexpected, is totally out of control- I feel desperate and there can be no apparent trigger for it and often, no way to stop it.

It is very SECRET and very upsetting and leaves me hurting physically and mentally for days following, including a severe but short-lived heavy, black depression.

I'm sure many people can relate to these feelings and how much power they hold over us. This is also one of the main reasons I decided to limit my alcohol intake drastically. Alcohol numbs feelings... and accelerates them, ED wise. It changes the whole perspective and throws me into a place where ED is dangerous and wild. Not always….. but has done, enough times that I need to be very, very aware and careful always- even after months and months of hard work, eating well, not drinking too much etc. it can just bite and very hard.
I believe it’s something that I find hard to tell anyone when it does happen and find it emotionally draining for days after it too. I guess what I’m trying to communicate is that it’s quite easy to talk about if I have or haven’t eaten enough or if I’ve been not doing enough exercise or if I feel sad or down or scared but find it difficult to come to terms with if I’ve had a ‘purge’ incident.
So that’s my take on that. I hope this all ok to share, it’s like the ‘Silent Evil’ part of my ED that, although is very rare and occasional, is still something that I have to deal with and be aware of every day, along with the other stuff I talk about here.

Stay well, stay safe, keep on lovin YOU.
Thanks for reading. Xx

3 posts in one- A lot going on in head today!!

2009-03-25T10:52:00.014Z

Watched Supersize V Superskinny last night, on TV. I absoulutely love programmes of this nature; anything about mental health, dieting, nutrition, eat-this-eat-that-DON'T-eat that, man with extra feet- basically anything along those lines facinates me and is my 'entertainment'.

I use them to fuel my knowledge and understanding of the very subject that is slowly destroying me and eating (no punn intended) into my ever shortening life by taking up far too much time!! (thats not gloomy, I mean that life is too short and everyday, it gets shorter).

This particular programme is watched by me & my son while my hubby is out and has become like a Tuesday night regular (and I watch VERY little TV due to short attention span and little interest in anything that's not going to benefit me- sigh!)

Quite obviously, to me anyway, the people on this show are in 2 categories. The skinnies basically have no emotional attatchment to food, aren't really that interested in it and for one reason or another, have just grown up and not really managed to take in enough energy to sustain a healthy body weight and just need to re-learn how to eat enough. The overweight participants, on the other hand, seem to me to have deeper issues in which food has been used as a comfort or an escape from whatever that may be. Bordering on the 'COE' area, which is interesting.... although I'm guessing they were given a certain degree of pyschological grilling before being accepted to go on the show.

Anyways- what I was ACTUALLY wondering WAS: when the underweight lot go away after the show and carry on with their 'new diet plans', how does the same pattern of weight gain not occur in them as it does when recovering physically from Anorexia? In that, we have an un-even weight distribution and gain lots extra body fat due to muscle wasting and fucked up metabolisms.... physically a lot of them have the same body types where their BMI's are well below 17 and due to their poor eating habits, have probably fucked their metabolisms too....?

Any thoughts, any one?

Flesh grabbing and bone feeling- Just sharing my thoughts here....

Just need to stop doing this so much.... maybe cos I don't use scales- it's like a measure. But I think I get used to the way my body 'feels' and then, like now, I can't really tell what the point of me doing it is.... like- when I was mega ill I used to constantly grab my upper arm and if my fingers didn't join, that would have been dreadful!!!! And now- I wonder if it's just an ED habit? A 'thing' that I do out of anxiety, maybe? But it's just something I noticed I do a lot- with my trousers as well- see how much room there is left since I last wore them? But it doesn't actually mean much to me anymore, which I guess is good? Or does it not mean much because everything feels ok now? After a couple of years into 'full physical recovery' I still did this-constantly and HATED what I felt!! I hated flesh above my jeans, flesh on my arms- everywhere- I could have cried everyday at the sight and feel of all that flesh. And now I feel ok with how I am- now I've levelled out the weight thing and have got rid of the 'puppy' fat extra that physical recovery slapped onto random body bits. Now- what I feel is ok. This must be a good thing, it must mean that I'm content with looking how I do, not desiring to be any thinner, feeling good with having the body I've got. I think the biggest issue I have now is that I want to stay this way- which is healthy- but gaining ANY weight is still a massive NO NO. So, is that still a problem??? Conclusion to self: It isn't RIGHT but it's a long way off from being wrong.

Not booked to see my GP like I was going to
I think I feel like I'm just too busy right now... or that I should wait a while- but I can't get my head around what to wait for??? I sometimes worry about reactions I might get from other people, whoever it may be, and if it's not the response I'm looking for- then I wish I hadn't bothered- don't know if i'm making sense today AT ALL. I need a weekend break away from normal run of things to clear some repetitive patterns that may be hindering clear thoughts...

And finally- I'm doing the family a roast dinner tonight with the first-time-ever- that i'll have hand cooked and roasted potatoes!! So i'll post a couple of piccies of that later- just because....! Xx

ED Voice shut up shut up shut up....!!

2009-03-24T15:02:00.004Z

Just a quick one here- I actually want to write about the 'B' word (and the 'P' word that usually goes with that- i'm sure if you understand my B & P abbreviations you'll know what I'm on about??!! ) BUT, I'm saving that for when I can find a way to get across what I need to.
So, I've had:

A sliced apple with tbsp Vanilla Heaven PB
Coco Loco Nakd Bar
Hummus, spinach & white cabbage sandwich on wholewheat
Some strawberries

Reason I just posted this is because I've spent the last couple of hours thinking about if I've ate too much or not enough and battling in my head if I should add up the 'numbers'- you know- the C word....! And I've managed to ask myself 'what's going on here?'

I feel nourished and fed and not by any means stuffed- I've had my meals and snacks, as planned and the food choices I've made are balanced and healthy- so why would I need to add up any sort of numbers and ruin it??? 'What is THAT all about, hey Sar....?'

Ok- I'm glad I asked myself that cos this is what its about...

I haven't done any planned exercise for over a week now, that is, my exercise bike or skipping rope work-outs that I do at home sometimes. And much as I've made a deal with myself that I will only do them as part of a healthy lifestyle, I guess the ED side of things throws another light on it when I'm caught off guard. And the other 'trigger' has been the weekend events, eating maybe more stuff that's not in my meal plan and having a couple of extra drinks (alcohol) than I planned. But I need to re-inforce to myself that I have in no way done anything that warrants me trotting down the ED path to try and punish myself for LIVING a little.

I have all these fears, including waking up one morning and not being able to pull my jeans up my legs anymore or grabbing pounds of flesh that has manifested on me in the night... and much as I know this is ridiculous, I have to keep repeating the FACTS in my head- the straight forward factual facts as regards needing to considerably overeat for longer than 1 day to lay down extra lb's and that 1 extra pint of cider or an small size dessert or Larabar for a couple of days, ISN't going to turn me into some supersize. It doesn't happen like that.... And then there is the thoughts that go like 'Well, I'm different.... my metabolism is screwy'

NO SAR- it WAS screwy- during the recovery process 3 years ago, it was fucked. Fucked until about 6 months ago when it finally levelled out again. That's 2 and a half years of shit, recovering from an illness that you're hovering on if you keep making it a problem to eat a bit extra or drink a bit extra or SIT AND COUNT THE AMOUNT OF CALORIES YOU'VE EATEN SO FAR TODAY.

So..... I'm going to get a cup of coffee, take an apple, a babybel and an Alpro yogurt, and get on with day and enjoy the fact that I'm strong enough to fight the ED voice today. Xx

When food is extremely special.....

2009-03-23T07:19:00.010Z

Ok, Mothers Day yesterday and my beautiful young son decided to cook a meal for last nights dinner. He even got a lovely bottle of Red wine to go with it (aaahhh, bless him!)

I love it when other people cook for me or going out for food as I now find it takes away a lot of anxiety as regards making a decision, or should I say, making the RIGHT decision, as to what to eat.

It used to be the other way round when I blatantly ate a completely different meal to the rest of my family, in that I would always have my 'safe' food and feel totally ok (yeah, I know that's completely ED subservience and I DON'T do that now) and going out was a nightmare regarding the fact of not knowing what was in the food, how much fat & calories and all that life destroying crap.

So, he went about preparing it and wouldn't tell me what we were going to have (he's only 12 and my hubby was in on the health & safety with ovens etc). It kinda didn't matter if he had chosen something that I find 'fearful' as I would have quickly put in place a series of thoughts to ensure that nothing would ruin our special meal.I could smell a lovely aroma drifting up the stairs and I commented how it 'smelled like Christmas). He told me that was because we were having turkey, so I got quite exited as I LOVE turkey meals, and xmas day meals are one of my true faves!

The meal consisted of:

Butter Basted Turkey, buttered herb herb new potatoes, onion gravy and winter veg (sprouts, carrot & cauliflower)

He also got a Sticky Toffee Pudding to cook but we're having that tonight instead as he didn't want us all to be 'stuffed' and we all agreed that then we'd have another nice treat to look forward to tonight.

He lit candles too and put my wine bottle out to go with it all. (See pics attached)

And it was truly special....

He even asked me to take a picture to go on my blog!!

They then washed up at the end of the meal so I could just go chill out with my wine.

Apart from the obvious of me being extremely proud of my son to be so thoughtful and go to an effort (especially on a Sunday night and when he just could have got me a card & flowers)- having others in my house take control of meals is such a treat and gives my head a nice rest from the constant anxiety brought about by the daily decision making on food. I don't mean that to sound like I really badly struggle or dislike preparing meals, it's just so much of a big deal to me when I don't have to do it that I find it one of the best experiences to have.

As I was eating it, I also noted how much it meant to my son and found it almost tear-worthy that I can hurt myself so badly with the very thing that he was showing his love for me with- if that makes sense?

I also thought that if every night, I could find, without second thought, a reason strong enough to eat unquestionably, how lovely that would be! Of course, I value my health enough to do the right thing most of the time now, it would just be nice to get to the point where there was no pre-thought trail of having to justify eating or have conversations with myself about it being 'ok' to eat and not feel guilty for it. However, to be given a night like last night, where it goes so much deeper than just food and eating, is something that means so much to me and I wanted to share that with you.

Our lovely meal (ok, we ate at the breakfast bar in the kitchen but note candles and a vase!)

After dinner hugz for my personal chef!

Million thanks for a wonderful Mothers Day, Max! Love you. XX

And, on another note- I have decided to book and see my GP tommorow, if I can, to get something on the roll as regards a bit of support in the nutrition area. So, i'll see how that goes but I am looking forward to doing the best thing here and not just leaving it, hoping that things will just get better on their own- they may well do but I don't think I have anything to lose by talking to them about it.

Xx

Asking for help to keep up good work...

2009-03-20T13:00:00.001Z

Why, when things are going good, and I'm proving to myself that I can do 'normal' things- like eating and drinking and staying happy with the way my clothes fit and my body image and getting on with doing everyday activities and living a wholesome, happy life- why why why after weeks of proving to myself that I can do it and it works and I don't have to be fucked up- do I still get the most massive anxiety attacks and overwhelming sense of unstability? Is it because I can't bear to just get on with it for fear that when it does go wrong, I won't be expecting it or be able to cope with it?
I THINK I NEED TO ADMIT TO MYSELF THAT i'M STRUGGLING TO DO THIS ON MY OWN NOW.
Which isn't a bad thing.... I need to get some guidlines outside of the 'personal' opinions, which is all I have to rely on the moment. What I need is someone to monitor my body weight from a clinical point of view and a Registered Dietician to see every couple of weeks to over see that I'm eating right, as I seem to be losing my focus amist all the 'trying to do it right this time' stuff.
If I have those 2 things, at least i'll have someone to answer my questions, my confusions- back up my thoughts and perceptions from a non-biased factual viewpoint. And maybe it's like passing a great majority of my anxieties over to them and admitting that 'yes, I'm finding it hard right now'.
I don't need a pyschiatrist or any of that stuff- hell, I know it's not right but I've come to terms with the fact that I have eating issues for WHATEVER reason, a vast variety of reasons but the cause of them won't cure me- I'm not even interested in working through the head stuff- it's black and white there- I have a massive huge fear of weight gain and after 15 or more years battling this, I'd like to say that it's preferable to me at this point in time to stay in a place where I can keep safe, keep well and continue my own patterns of recovery in the 'getting my head round it' department. I just need hardcore clinical assistance and the rest is up to me.

ED to full recovery -such a large space in between

2009-03-17T19:16:00.022Z

I feel so tired lately, partly because we have been busy at home re-arranging all the bedrooms and building/ moving furniture pretty much non-stop all weekend. Also, wasn't well on last Friday with various ailments going on but I did manage to look after myself food wise, having my usual meal plan with snacks so that was ok.
I guess I just realise sometimes how the gap between a full blown eating disorder and full recovery is so so big.

On one hand, I think about the horror of anorexia and the constant starvation and tiredness and all the hell that came with that and lack of any sort of life and compare it to now- it is worlds apart.

And now, where life is so much more pleasent and I can go to work without a starved brain and do exercise and have fun with my family and eat out at restaurants, although it IS such a long, long way forward from the anorexia days, it is STILL sooooo far from actual recovery.

For example: I go to bed quite early, mainly due to 'routine' associated with my medication and also because it fits in with my structured day. And while this isn't wrong or destructive, it still limits my choices as regards 'Living'.

I don't like to see friends during week day nights as it wouldn't fit in with how I like to plan for evenings to be, again, partly because I work all day and then spend time doing homework with my son and all house-hold stuff and another quite big part because I like to have dinner, then some coffees and wash-up and have a set routine as to leading up to sleep time. And I guess this is because I know it keeps me safe and healthy and mentally level. But I think others around me would find this hard to comprehend as I think it can be black and white to everyone else. But the grey in-between seems more tiring and draining than the black part- if you get me??

When I do 'let go' a little, which I do at weekends and on the odd evening, it feels good- I feel free and happy and often very pleased that I have done something a bit different. But if I try and make it last for longer, it becomes overwhelming and I feel like my head becomes confused and anxiety levels raise so much that it brings about a surge of ED related behavior just to regain a grip on reality- which I know is a complete paradox in itself. I guess it scares me- a 'scared' that I can't change right now at this point. But why should I? I've done so well, why try and make it all better so fast? It's 100% better to be where I am now than very ill- yes? I just get so worn out thinking about it......

I'd be lying if I said that I don't still have issues with my clothes and their fit and the way I feel others see me. Having said that, I'm quite satisfied with the way I look at the moment. I can live with my body how it is now. Maybe I'm just scared again that somehow I'll lose control if I let go anymore from my structered recovery. Like, why would I ruin what I've got now, which is livable, just to try and get a bit further into recovery and maybe not cope and let it all go?

SIGH.... so many questions... and I have to find the answers in the end.... which I will, it can just get to be a big ole lonely place in my head!

Anyway, on a brighter note, I tried QUINOA last night. I'd never thought about using it before but came across an article while googling somethin' else. So, here's some piccies of my dinner (hubby & son didn't eat this, they were going out early eve so I did this for myself). Not the most exiting but here you go.

Boiled up 30g in water.

Added a slice of this tofutti cheese

Melted it into the cooked quinoa- yum!

And served it up with some chopped raw veggies & pumpkin seed oil & coriander & some raita dip.

Then I nibbled seeded bread with PB & CO Vanilla Heaven spread on it throughout rest of evening & drank loads coffee's.

Next time, I think I need to add a little more protein to my meal too. Was nice though, digested well. Bye for now. Xx

Explaining yourself based on BMI/ Weight

2009-03-16T09:28:00.015Z

This is a bit of a rant but terribly frustrating, I feel I just need to shout very loudly and somehow make somebody listen.

Here's how it is:

Right now, I'm having a few physical problems with different ailments but I'm trying my best to look after myself and seem to be, overall, doing ok.

I 'm doing my meal plans and eating a wide range of foods, from all food groups and although it's sometimes very hard, and ED will poke it's ugly head in (whats new?),I'm managing it all better than I have in a long, long time. And when ED issues come up- I try to rationilize them, deal with it, make it better and learn from it, which I've never had the strength to try and do before.

Problem is this: because I have dropped a few pounds (I don't have scales BTW, just clothes to go by) there are a few people starting to notice and question my health in relation to the ED. Some of them are people very close to me, whom care about me and are concerned and some are village gossips who love nothing better than to find a 'scandel' or something amiss to fill their sad little lives with the business of others rather than deal with their own sh*t.

However, regardless of who they are and the reason for their concern, ONE THING that winds me up the most is this- mentally, I am far stronger, far more stable and far happier and content with my life RIGHT NOW than I have been for the last 4 years, despite being at a bit lower weight than I have been BUT am definately not underweight in a cause for concern type way. And -over the last 18 months, where I have been at a weight a little over 'ideal', I have been in an ED hell which has caused the most horrendous personal problems relating to alcohol, aggression, binge eating & vomiting, depression and many other mental disorders, all based around the fact that I had recovered physically, but definately NOT MENTALLY.

Yet, no-one really understood, if they knew at all, which most didn't. I covered it well so as not to draw attention to myself, having been hospitalized a year previous, I had to be seen to be well and hold down a life.

People would make comments constantly on how well they thought I was doing and all that and I just wanted to cry and scream at them and tell them that the hell going on in my head was far worse than at any other time and I just couldn't deal with it. But it didn't matter- because I looked well, so I should just be thankful for that. Human nature, I guess..... sigh

And now, it's like the opposite way round- where I may not 'look' terribly well BUT definately don't need anyone fussing as I'm doing ok ED wise, (which is the demon in my life) and feeling pretty damn good.

I just wish there had been as much support on offer when I actually needed it, when I was at breaking point several times over the last year- and not really now when life is pretty good on a personal, mental health level.

I guess I'm just ranting on as it seems so so so unfair that now I'm feeling happy and levelled out, it can't be accepted by others as all they seem to want is to see 'a bit of colour in my cheeks' and 'a bit more flesh on my bones'

RANT OVER. Just needed to vent a little. I know it's only cos they care. I just sometimes need to get it out so that I don't have to keep toying with it in my head. Kind of, get it out and move on.
Have a good day peeps. Xx

Breakfast 3 -some!!!! Oooh!

2009-03-12T15:58:00.006Z

Helllloooooo.....

Just a quickie post here, I got a little exited about some 'experiments with flavours' that I did. I see so many of you out there with wonderful food creations and mine are comparitively unexciting/ unadventurous but these were quite an achievement for me. I was a stickler for having everything in ready-made portioned labelled packets/ quantities, so to mix it up and have many different things together was a bit of a challenge BUT it's a good way to NOT be able to pick over everything and evaluate the content and is good for the freedom feeling it gives me around food. So- I had these:

I did them in little portions. I got Oats with warm malted milk (Horlicks- YUM!!!) and All-bran with vanilla Rice Milk and oats + warm vanilla rice milk & white choc PB.
I ended up nibbling a bit of each and it was a taste sensation!! And just enough to equal a 'full portion'. So, if in future, I can't decide what to have- i'll do this again and have a bit of everything. I guess that works across the board with nutrition- a bit of everything (as long as it's enough, of course!)
And.... only because I never tried this flavour and it was delicious! Banana cookie Larabar- and I spread some white choc PB spread on top too- with a cup of coffee made with hazelnut-almond rice milk.... good eats day, taste wise!!!

I've let myself down over an ED issue

2009-03-12T13:01:00.016Z

*This post mentions a few ED behaviors that may not be suitable to read if you're having a bad day ED wise. I'm sharing here as regards what I'm going to do about it now, to put it right and not let it happen again*

So, I fucked up last night and this morning with my stupid ED mindset worming it's way into my head and messing up a situation which I should have known better than to let happen- aarrrgghhh!

What happened? It started when I decided to do a 30 min skipping stint with my weighted rope when I got in from work- purely because I'd done nothing all week but sit and work at my desk and I felt like a bit of a 'shake-up', get some serotonin flowing... and it was good stuff, i felt enlivened and awoken and so I got a shower and started to prepare dinner for myself and my family. Then, whilst I was cooking and messing about in the kitchen, I decided to have a can of my favourite alcoholic drink- KOPPARBERG CIDER.

Now, I've discussed this before on here (see CHALLENGE UPDATE: Alcohol + food) and it should not have instigated a problem. And without going on too much about it, it seems I still have a 'bit of an issue' with this alcohol- during -midweek stuff.

It's like it has to be a treat, or something that I keep for the weekends only. And I need to get that dealt with in my head. I'd been doing really good with it and somehow, last night, I managed to twist it up and make a bit of a mess of today to boot. But i'm *trying* to put it right.

I ended up binning the potato off my dinner plate last night and then not having my hot chocolate drink before bed, in way of compensation for the can of cider (I actually had a can and a half in the end). I then planned that next morning I would just have brekkie as normal and it would all be ok again. BUT- when I did get up, I had slept later than normal, (probably because I had had the cider!!) AND THEN, while I was making my sandwiches to take for lunch, my husband made a comment about me using my teaspoon measure for the peanut butter I was putting onto the bread. I kinda lost it, I use the spoon measure as I usually under-estimate the quantity to use and I like to ensure that I have my full portion size. There was a time when I used the measure spoon for purpose of restriction and what I was cross about is that all that stuff was a long time ago and he should have been more tactful in the way he went about asking why I was using it. I guess he's not to know what the hell was going on my head so I did massively over-react- so then I ended up with a half-assed sarnie that I crumpled up in the foil to get it out of my way and it went in the bin before I left for work as I was upset. And I left the house with no breakfast inside me. Stupid girl.

So, then i'm at work, with a TREK bar for my a.m. snack and some oats & bran & PB & rice milk mixture with chopped fruits, that was going to be my breakfast.

So, I ate my TREK bar as usual and then ate the cereal mix & fruit for lunch and bought a bottle of Alpro Soya chocolate milk to go with it. Exept that I have only had half the bottle of milk and am saving the other half for my pm snack with a babybel because I'm feeling a bit full. And i'm now sat asking myself "At what point are you just going to jump back into reality and carry on with the really good work that you've been doing so well at over the last few weeks?"
The answer I'm looking for is "Right now".
I need to have my usual pm snack, as usual and carry on as I do any other day. It's that easy, isn't it? I have no reason to do continue being so unfair to myself. I blowing this out of all proportion and even as I'm typing, I'm realising how much stronger I am than this. I'm now going to focus on the rest of my day and enjoy it.

Having a couple of drinks wasn't bad or wrong and I know that. ED is a f**cker and doesn't want me to have anything nice to look forward to or to enjoy and is laughing at me now, flapping over it hours and hours later. So, I need to re-read the post on challenging alcohol and re-inforce exactly why I don't need to have episodes where ED is in control.

UPDATE:

Back in now and- just added this pic-the rest of my Alpro Soya Milk w, ice & babybel- I'm sat havin this now and am feeling HAPPY again! Xx

Control is more than the food...

2009-03-10T21:20:00.025Z

I was busying about last night, as I do and trying to tidy up and move things about and all that, and I noticed that on my kitchen walls, I have several 'lists' that I don't actually ever pay much attention anymore. I have always been obsessive about lists and tick boxes but have been bit better lately. Thing is, I like to be organised and not forget anything at all. I guess I relate forgetting something or not doing tasks I need to, to failing or letting someone down.

A lot of 'lists' came from the severe restriction of food and I'm sure a great many of us with the ED curse have experienced massive compulsions with lists of food and numbers for calories and groceries etc.

But these lists below are all for different areas of my life and I became aware of how it's spread out for more than just food. But not in a way that made me feel sad, just sparked off in my head that I really do like to plan and control, even stuff that I shouldn't really need to.

I'll go through what the lists are and why I feel I need them.

This one is on my fridge door.

Its my suggested meal plans for each day.

Funny thing with this is, I never really look at it- I know what I eat.

Also- I update it and change it from time to time and each new one that goes up becomes extremely important- like this meal plan is going to be the final be-all end-all best meal plan ever.... until the next one comes along and this one goes in the bin because it is 'silly' and 'not right now'.

This is in my kitchen also.

This list was done when my son started 'Big' school.

It lists items which he needs to ensure he takes to school on certain days.
He is Mr Dis-organised (like most 12 year olds!) and I put this together, mainly for my own peace of mind, to ensure that as the 'Great Parent' that I am, he will NEVER get into trouble for not having his buss pass or sports kit.
I project that by not having these things, there will be knock-on effect that will develop into an unbearable situation.... like- they won't let him on the bus and I'll have gone to work and he won't be able to contact me and then he'll get kidknapped and so on.... OTT I know but then I would feel it was ALL my fault because I didn't check THE LIST.

This one is my diary, as in day-to-day appointments, anniversary log type diary- practical use.

This book goes EVERYWHERE with me.

Funny thing is- there are post-it notes at the front and back of it with even more seperate lists, such as 'next weeks shopping items' 'music to get off i'Tunes' and others too weird and complicated to mention.
In here, there are many practical notes- with tick boxes next to them, of course. There are also other notes regarding things to do/ need doing, that have tick boxes and can cause big anxiety if the boxes don't get ticked. If I lost this book, I think i'd die!!!!! I don't know if you can see it on this pic but on this particular page, there are numbers at the top, where, sadly, I had added up a total of food cals for that day- I DON'T DO THIS ANY MORE!!! I even have codes in circles with LT- do at lunchtime AW- after work AM -before I leave the house for work!!

This is actually one out of the front of my diary and is a copy of the one on the fridge door.

And this one, ( below) is a 'clothing' notepad...... It sits next to my bed and I fill it in everytime I wear a combination of clothes- including boots, jackets, accessories- that I really like the combination and felt good wearing it. I saw this as a positive thing to start with, as it gave me something to use when I became terribly anxious about how I looked- I would search through this notebook and remind myself what I wore on a particular day and then be able to re-create it without pulling on and off millions of tops and all that and getting all hot and bothered and running out of time. I don't write in it very much but when I do, for some reason I do it quite secretly and would be quite embarrassed if someone found it.... I guess maybe I feel weak for having to do that and not be able to just say 'sod it, i'll wear anything'.
IDK.... depends on the day and the occasion and the people we'll be out with.... like food- it's good days and bad days where it's the end of the world to have to get dressed or the best thing ever cos I love my clothes!!!!

However..... I know some of my lists are totally OTT and that it can cause me major anxiety but I do get stuff done and thanks to a lot of them, I'm bloody well organised. I suppose at some point I will try to challenge which ones I can let go of and maybe also, try not taking responsibilty for stuff that my son and husband can ensure gets done by their own means.

Will be posting later after spoke to doc's BUT today is a lot more positive and happy than last few days, I'm feeling a new strength today which is very good! Smiley face today. Later Xx.

Oh, soooo tired but REALLY trying, yes I am!!

2009-03-10T14:05:00.011Z

I Found that peanut butter, the White Chocolate Wonderful.... they've re-named it Vanilla Heaven and I've ordered a load of it off of a website who supply UK with American goodies (http://www.americansweets.co.uk/)

- not to say that my own creation isn't ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL!!! I have it daily and even got my son, Max (who claims to disklike PB) eating it from the jar with a spoon!!

As regards me, I don't really know how I feel right now. Do you ever wish that you could hold on to a 'feeling' or a way of living, forever? Like, when you've had a really good, positive week and feel so in-control and free at same time???? Let me try and explain.... a couple of weeks ago, when I started this blog, I'd set myself some goals and aims for getting it all together, ED wise. And I'm doing really good. Just my health is proper going down-hill and I'm not entirely sure why.....?

I know, deep down, that years of abuse via Eating Disorders, is most probably to blame for a lot of the health problems I'm having now. Also, the fact that i'm nearly 33, not 23 anymore means I prob can't keep 'getting away with it'-It seems almost a little ironic that the first time I've actually got somewhere with sorting this ED from it's roots and trying to do it all in little steps and do it right, is the first time now that I'm having medical implications that it's caused.

Yes, I've had digestive trouble and dental problems and circulation irregularities but it's all been stuff that I can put right or at least, make better.

The scary on it now is irreversible complications that may have worsened and be starting to affect me physically; I just feel so unwell generally. I'm hoping that a minor case of iron deficiency can be blamed for it but I'll see when I get my bloods back tommorow and take it from there. It's easy to imagine the worst possible out-comes- i'm an expert in that!!

So... what am I eating then? Just for fun, I like to share!

I'm doing the All-bran, soya milk & chopped Kiwi for my brekkie, right now. I tried for a week or so, not portioning it out i.e. random cereal & milk amounts but I found I was probably under-estimating a little on a proper size, so I've begun to measure it, just until I can comfortably do it with no second thought (I don't liked doing this but for now it ensures I get my full portion, no anxiety)

I always have my Trek bar mid-morning- it lasts for about half-hour and is truly fantastic. I could eat thse for every meal (I know that's wrong and I WOULDN'T!). I also got my Larabars by post delivery the other day, in a variety of yummy flavours, so i'll be swapping some Trek days for Larabars.

Lunch is ALWAYS a sarnie....... cashew nut butter and marmite and white cabbage OR white choc PB & cabbage (that's sooooo yummy, honestly- try it). I WAS having a glass of soya milk with that but I haven't brought it to work with me last couple of days- I guess I need to get back to making sure I do that, only a little thing but very important to me on a pyschological level.

Afternoons- usually an apple & babybel lite cheese and a few cups of coffee with Hazelnut+ Almond Rice Milk. Or, if I feel I need it- another bar or a small cereal & soya milk.

And dinner is dinner. I feel like I'm doing really well with the flexibility on this meal. My family are lovin that I will eat pizza with them and cook curry or spaghetti and stuff that I never bothered with before. So that's good.... Again, my portions should maybe be a little bigger but I just can't fit it in right now- maybe I have to look at that once I know whats goin on with my body, after tommorow's results. I feel like I'm making excuses, waiting for these tests to come back but it's worrying me greatly right now and I guess I just don't want the extra anxiety until I know what I'm dealing with. And, I'm just SOOOOO tired. But I will be fine and will carry on with the good stuff- the good thoughts- the happy-positive- I'm not going to be beaten thoughts- always. X

Physical ailments, makes me wonder...? RANT

2009-03-06T13:39:00.005Z

I don't know... I get soooo confused and frustrated. I had a GP appointment today to get some blood taken- just for general thyroid, counts, anaemia etc. I mentioned about the wierd shakes I'd had last week (I posted about them earlier in week) and asked what might cause it or what it may be.... the nurse said maybe I should moniter it and come back and see my GP if it happens again but to start with, just see what the blood tests show.

AND I suppose it just got me to thinking about how I look after myself and if it's enough and how that NOW... after sooo long, I AM really trying to do the best thing for myself on a daily basis. But not just making sure I get all my nutrients and energy but also that I try and conquer the negative thoughts that flood in.

Anyway.... I just get tired of thinking about it sometimes- you know.... and I wish I wasn't like that but it is.

However... I'm alive, I'm smiling (yes, I am!) and it could be a lot worse AND
it IS Friday and I'm looking forward to a good weekend, I have 'things' to do, pleasent things with my family and so I will focus on enjoying that instead. Xx

White-choc-PB RE-VISITED!!!!!

2009-03-06T08:35:00.011Z

Ok, so I JUST CAN'T get that White Choc Wonderful here in the UK so I tried to re-create it last week- problem is, I think, I heated it up to mix it together (the PB & White choc spread). It kinda burnt......!! So, this morning I re-did it with some PB & Co Smooth stuff that I found in Tesco (wow! they do have some good imports but not enough!!

AND.... I think it just may have been successful.

I started with these 2 lovelies above........................

And chucked them in my blender- there was loads of oil on top of the PB that had seperated so I knew it would mix together pretty good! I blended them all up and could smell the beautiful aroma of both white choc and PB- ahhhhh!

I washed out my 2 jars with hot water n kitchen-roll dried them. It mixed beautifully and it kinda 'peeled' away from the plastic bowl without any sticky mess!! No waste!! Yea!

Ok, so pic not too good here- I had buttery fingers- but I re-filled and labelled my jars and stuck em in the fridge. I think I will keep one jar in there to 'keep' and the other in my cupboard so it's at room temp for optimum spreading and melting!

I already made my lunch sandwiches today and SOOOO wanted to use this on them instead.... And I'd just finished breakfast (sad face!) But..... I may swap my mid-morning TREK bar for an apple n dip of this..... Yes, that's a good idea. BTW... for my lunch I always have a sandwich during the working week, which is usually chopped white cabbage with either: cashew nut butter & marmite OR hoummous OR fruit butter spread & turkey BUT ALWAYS with white cabbage. It goes with anything and crunchies up my sarnie and, being bland in flavour- it just 'works'.

WELL, THAT WAS THIS MORNINGS EARLY FUN (8AM!!)

Gotta go for now, but will be back later to rant about my day!

REAL rockin' ladies that make me feel positive

2009-03-05T11:51:00.015Z

Lin-Z

Kari Byron

Juliette Lewis

Cristina Scabbia

After my last couple of posts, I decided to cheery things up a bit and share something that I have in my little 'Book of Positivity' where I write random thoughts, feelings etc (well, used to, it's all on here now!)

The media gets a lot of stick, and rightly so sometimes, for portraying un-healthy attitudes from celebs and all that ( it's the kids I worry about, I AM old enough to know better).

BUT there are a few out there that I find pretty aspirational. I know it's a very personal thing and depending on our own interests n personality types, we all see something different in everyone/ everything. The women I have pictured, all for me, make me feel happy and positive and watching them in action, doing what they do etc. sometimes helps me to shake off bad thoughts about myself. Each of them also portray a sense of really enjoying life and not taking stuff too seriously and doing what they love, WITH ATTITUDE!! They make me wanna get up and shout ' Yeah! Go girl! Cos life is fantastic!!!! Just live it!' Not too mention their truly wicked dress sense and non of that mega-skinny-i-don't-drink-beer stuff goin' on, which I take as a breath of fresh air.......... to me, these are ladieeeez who live, AND I LIKE IT.

(NB: I realise sometimes celebs have very real problems that don't always outwardly show and that these ladies may well have their own 'issues' but I am speaking from a viewpoint of how they come across to everyone in the positive way that they do for me, based on what I know about them from interviews, media coverage etc.)

So, who are they and why do they rock????

Lin-Z

First pic is Lin-Z from a band called Mindless Self Indulgence. She is also married to the lead singer from My Chemical Romance, another damn good band. I don't know an awful lot about her exept that I love their music and love reading about her antics and looking at her outfits and watching her play guitar- she looks like she enjoys what she does and rocks hard. Love her hair, make-up and everything about what she does and way she does it.

Kari Byron (from Mythbusters)

This girl is wicked!! I sometimes watch Mythbusters just to feel better if I'm a bit down-poor-little-me stuff goin' on. If i'm thinking about deffing my afternoon snack or something crap like that, I'll watch Mythbusters and think to myself 'Kari wouldn't def her afternoon snack, she'd get it down her neck and get on with her day' which might sound a bit cheesy but I'd bet it true!!

She's always smiling and she's such a tomboy with great style and lots of gutsy attitude. This girl is one of my true faves for feel good time.

Juliette Lewis (movie actress and lead singer 'Juliette & the Licks')

I saw this band at V Festival in 2007 and this lady knows how to perform big style!! As a rock-singing bird in a band full of blokes, she is just sensational! Her vibe is amazing and I love reading her interviews in music press. I love the fact as well, that being over 30 DOES NOT MEAN that we need to lose the spirit of being young and wild and having a bloody good time doing it. Again, wardrobe is bang-on style-wise and I'm lovin' her!

Cristina Scabbia (lead singer in band 'Lacuna Coil')

This is definately a 'last but not least' one.... to me, she is ultimately bloody wonderful.

In my opinion, Cristina is not only lead singer in one of my favourite bands (they ROCK!) but also one of the most stunning women I've ever seen. She seems so level headed in her interviews and so in-touch with what she does, it just makes me feel really good. Her voice is amazing and playing her stuff loud in my car is the best medicine for a down-day. Best of all, her clothes and outfits are my favourite out of all of them and I have a lot of clothes myself ,very simular to stuff she wears (i've always been a bit of a rock chick BTW!).

So, there we go..... sometimes other people can have real positive influences as well as bad (which is all the media seem to focus on!) And these lot sure do rock my world.

Is staying 'safe' too much like ED?

2009-03-04T10:45:00.003Z

I been reading a couple of blogs earlier and it got me to thinking (although this is on mind a lot last few days)... about having 'set' meal times, snacks etc. and not feeling comfortable with anything that disrupts this routine. Thing is, although this is another element of 'control', it's not really a destructive control thing- more a staying well strategy, at a time when I still feel a little vulnerable.

I sometimes question the amount of time I might spend 'planning' for a night out or a meal that I know will be later or earlier than usual but I know that at the end of the day, its to keep me well- to prepare for any ED thoughts and work out a way to get through it PRIOR to them springing upon me and ruining the night.

I've tried, over the last couple of years, doing the 'just block out ED and go enjoy yourself' and have had real good fun- BUT In my (sad) case, I can push the feelings away for a while and tell myself and ED that its ok, and then, it catches up with me and I sink into an overwhelming depression and self-hate- maybe this is because I have a tendency to go TOO FAR the other way.

If I let myself enjoy partying and eating and convince myself that 'it doesn't matter if my favourite jeans are too tight, i'll get some more' or ' doesn't matter if I eat this pizza til I'm stuffed like my friends do because they do it and so it must be ok for me to as well'- only difference being that I just can't deal with my favourite normal size jeans being too tight or being too far above my nonormal weight range, because much as I want to be well and healthy- I definately don't want those things happening either !!!! I won't and wasn't- happy with that either.

So maybe its just me and I should still still be in therapy working out what my problem is??????

I know what the problem is already- my ED is just SO deeply en-grained into my life that by doing things the way I am trying to now, I can hopefully suceed in over-powering it.

I guess its like this- Of course I'm looking forward to a time when I've conquered this ED FULLY and can confidently go about life without it but if it means having to compromise for a short time and do it really, really slowly, then its worth it. I know 'Life is too short' n all that..... but after relapse and relapse, I just want to GET IT RIGHT and not just THINK I'VE GOT IT RIGHT. I'll keep working on it and finding solutions to the things ED throws back at me- and with lots of practice, i'll get there.

HAVING SAID ALL THAT, THESE ARE MY ACHIEVEMENTS SO FAR THIS MONTH:

Started to eat good-quality (protein, starch, fat) regular meals and snacks to keep energy levels up and stable
Stopped eating just safe foods and incorporated eating foods I like and would eat if ED didn't try and stop me
STOPPED COUNTING CALORIES- A real biggy for me- I've ALWAYS done this for years and years and to let that go, regardless of any other 'controls' I have, is a big head rush for me personally!!

So, on the plus side here, I'm pretty chuffed with this for now and it means I'm going in the right direction :)

3 Years on, WHY am I STILL at this point???

2009-03-03T09:09:00.010Z

I once said, more than once actually, 'Anorexia was hell..... recovering from it is F#*cking HELL' and, I meant it.

Nearly 3 years ago, just after my 30th birthday, I left in-patient treatment and f#*cked up. My weight plummeted and I became physically extremely unwell, again.

My issue right now is: what went wrong? What happened that has meant that the last 3 years, until recently, have been an ED hell, even after making a full PHYSICAL recovery. In fact- Christmas this year was about the best time, ED wise, I can honestly say there has been for about 5 years. I'd managed to get my weight back to where I was comfortable, after the un-even, unbalanced recovery gain of too much fat and not enough muscle- uneven distribution and a well buggered metabolism!!! (see Minnesota Starvation study- it's what happens)http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Minnesota_Starvation_Experiment

I consequently had to re-go through recovery at home with my family (husband and young son) and at the same time- carry on with normal life.... go to work, run the house, look after my son and his needs and carry on like usual, regardless of the unbearable struggle to come to terms with having to re-gain a lot of body mass. This is where the 'Escapism' kicked in- BIG TIME.

It seemed like a big black tunnel ahead. I'd not got my head into 'true recovery'.... I should have stayed at the hospital a lot longer in order to come round to that but chose to leave.

I knew I had NO choice but do what everyone wanted and EAT or risk losing everything I'd got. So I ate.... I let them feed me, I ate what they wanted me to. I drank alcohol- it fitted in with our 'normal' life of going out at the weekend and having fun and drinking with friends-LOTS of drinking and partying on Saturday nights, while my son is at his Dads for the weekend. I smiled, I went to work, I ate, life went on, I binged, I vomited, I drank and vomited late at night in despair when the pain of holding it all in became too much, I gained back weight, I looked more normal, LIFE WENT ON. And I was so terribly unhappy.

And the more 'healthy looking' I became, the more people around me assumed I was doing really good.

"Hey Sar, you're looking really well... how are you?"

"Um, yeah..ok... not actually too good- this is real hard and painful but, yeah...."

"Well you're LOOKING really well- keep it up"

YES... I WILL.... and I'll keep the pain all inside and not let anyone down because I can eat till i'm blue in the face and the monster inside that causes my ED hell will continue to stay there, sniggering at me for going with the flow and trying to eat him away when it doesn't matter whether I'm emaciated or obese- he'll still be down there, somewhere.

Life became pretty erratic, life at home was really quite unpredictable and dangerous and none of us was happy. I made friends outside of our social circle and detatched myself from 'home life' as much as I could....We had a few good days, then a terrible weekend, then maybe one really good weekend we fighted, we screamed at each other, I'd go on drunken food binges and vomit, and worst of all- I had these episodes where I would just suddenly 'click'... lose all control and let rip to the point of physical violence- this WASN'T the alcohol talking- this was the suppressed ED which occasionally the anger would build up from it to the point of overload on a scale too big for me to deal with-usually late at night after we'd been out on another 'mad' weekend and had what would have been 'fun' with friends. And I could NEVER tell when it would happen. It was almost certainly alcohol related, as these thing usually are- I even tried to blame the alcohol for it and say that maybe I had an addiction to that...? But I sat analysing and trying out new ways of living and it became all too clear that the root of EVERY DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR came from the ED.

No-one got it.

Only me and my husband knew the awful hell that was still going on and all our friends, with whom we socialised just saw the 'old Sar' - looking healthy- smiling- out enjoying life- drinking and frolicking about- just like before......

This carried on until November 2008, what.. 4 months ago now.

After one particularly bad drunken ED fuelled rage, I finally realised that I COULD NOT carry on with it. I decided there and then to get a 'Plan of Action' firmly into place.

I cut completely back on all alcohol, only to give myself head-space and actually experience the bad feelings ED was still doing to me. I didn't drink when we went out and I went home early and felt the anger but woke up feeling stronger. I battled it and challenged it and fought through to sort out the 'real' feelings and can say that it was the best thing I could have done. By Christmas time, I'd managed to implement a nice, happy, tranquil way of living, with sensible, if still ED controlled, meal plans. My weight settled back down to where I feel happy (although others expressed concern that I maybe started to look a little thin, I KNOW from my clothing etc that I'm still within healthy) and life is far more qualitive than has been for years.

And I guess this is where my whole blog actually starts.

I started to read other blogs, some of which are added to my blog list and started to get ideas for staying well and actually enjoying the process of staying well. I realise that I'm at a point where weight loss is not an option to stay well but I'm well enough to start enjoying eating good food and challenging the ED behaviors, which, so far, what this blog has been about!!!! And what it will continue to be about.

I have lost a few 'friends' over this new-found way of recovering properly, the way I should have let myself recover from the start- but if they can't understand my reasons for temporarily (or however long it takes) stopping the all-night drinking and 'fun'stuff for the good of finding a level way of living, then I really cannot make room for them in my life right now. Yes, I would like to have lots of fun doing those things again but right now, there's more important things to sort out to ensure a long-term decent lifestyle. And i'm in no rush- I just want to get it right this time.

And it's hard, and ED's suck and wreck lives but i'm NEVER giving up fighting it, I'm too worth it for that.

Weekend 'mistakes' and VULNERABILTY

2009-03-02T06:25:00.001Z

Oh, what a strange weekend.... and an eye-opener of one...........
I have had a truly great time, living life as I want/ need but also realising that there are SOOO many 'ED' things still ticking away and affecting what I do far too much.

On Saturday night, we met up with my cousin & boyfriend whom used to spend lots time with but for one reason or other- haven't done in a long while. It was so nice to chat etc with her but one thing she did was comment on my appearance and ask if I was doing ok????? Bearing in mind, its over 6 months when I last saw her and I wondered where she was coming from with that....? I'd posted earlier that day about some 'shakes' I was experiencing and maybe wasn't my best when I saw her.
However- the mistake was that we got back in around midnight and I was very tired and rumbly tummy: I decided to have a hot drink and half a Larabar- I should have the whole bar........ why oh why oh why should I have just had half???????
It was the start of what I think, was not the best mindset to wake up Sunday.

The problem is, that during the week, I have everything 'planned'. I eat breakfast, go to work, eat my snack, eat the same lunch, come home, do whatever then cook some dinner. Weekends just 'aint like that.... and that SHOULDN't be a PROBLEM.

And though I felt much better on Sunday, the way the day was laid out, my meals were all out of 'sync' and I started to feel dizzy and tired.... I even began to analyse what I'd had that day and question if it was ok, foodwise BIG NO SAR!!!!... And i'm cross I did that!!

The last part of the day we were supposed to go out for a meal and it got too late (my son was due back from his dad's at 8pm) and then I had to throw something together and was TOO tired and hungry by then- the meal was a bit of a sad attempt and I ended up having a Seroquel just after to chill me down, try and 'sleep' the day gone so can wake up this morning and have 'new' day.

The other twists was these:
My parents dog passed away (naturally) late Saturday night and I had to break the news to my son when he got in, Sunday night, from his Dad's house. This was worrying me and I knew he would be extremely upset; he was devasted. (R.I.P. Lisha)

Also, we were in a health food store earlier that day and a girl in there had randomly starting telling me which milk tasted good and which didn't and I was chatting away about Almond milk etc thinking how friendly she was- when we left the store, my husband said 'Well.... that was Eating Disorders corner!' and I said 'What do you mean?' He said 'Well, SHE obviously wasn't WELL, I could see that'
It was kind of an off-the-cuff comment and he wasn't being stroppy or rude, just the first line made me wonder why he'd include me that scenario and question how I felt about what had just happened....
All these things just bring home the reality that there is still SO MUCH I need to do for myself to stay well and safe- thats what I hate about ED's.... it can change soooo fast but I don't want to go through the rest of my life looking over my shoulder, making room for if the ED thing just needs to pop in- thats not good enough, I'm just not sure what to do next- for starters though- today needs to be a positive pull-back day, a NEW day and carry on with the good stuff I've implemented so far.

Wierd 'shakes' today- bit scary!

2009-02-28T12:19:00.000Z

Had a sudden attack of shakes this morning.... I'd already had brekkie, which was lovely- soaked Alpen with bran oats, chopped kiwi and vanilla soya milk- Yum! I'd been up about 2 hours and was just making coffee about 10am when it came on. I don't remember the last time that happened but I can recall occasions from a LONG time ago. It's like, I don't feel faint but my breathing is shallow and my whole body shakes. It leaves me feeling quite dazed for hours after and It scares me as I'm not sure what causes it. I sometimes think it might be when I took my meds later than usual at night or if it's to do with electrolytes (THAT'S what really scares me) or if it's just because I'm sub-consiously fighting ED thoughts and it just affects me physically???
I know i've been looking after myself really well and it's upset me to have this happen when I was so looking forward to making the most of the weekend. Anyways, I got a Trek Bar down with a cup of herbal green tea and lay down for a bit... it worry's my hubby though and I don't like that... It's like he may think I'm not doing enough to keep myself healthy when I'm trying so hard and actually really getting a lot out of trying to live well. I think he does know.... I guess I get frustrated when something like this happens and I'm doing everything right.
Oh well..... after lunch we're popping out to get some shopping etc so I'll see how it goes- bye for now X

The voice of sense..... from me

2009-02-27T11:57:00.000Z

Came into work today- needed to go get sugar & milk for communal fridge... male collegue sat opposite said:

"I'm starving, haven't had brekkie today, will you get me a brekkie sandwich from Tesco?"

So I said ok- what filling d'ya want...?

"Actually, NO, I don't want one- i'll get porky, leave it!"

(Bearing in mind he's NOT porky and eats very well/ normally/ nutritiously)

At this point, I looked at him and said

"No, you NEED to eat something, your body needs fuel in the morning and it's perfectly ok to have a sandwich for essential energy- you have work to do, you NEED it!"

And another collegue looked at me, gave me the thumbs up, and said

"Too right!! You tell him Sar! That's exactly how it is"

Might sound like a trivial thing but for ME to say that to someone and actually be using that advice myself right now, made me FEEL GOOD!

I got him a sandwich. All's well ;)

Anti-psychotics & peppermint tea.....

2009-02-27T06:24:00.000Z

..... and I went to bed smiling and feeling VERY happy! We'd had an office curry night last night, to which I went and although things like that cause a massive amount of pre-thoughts and planning, yesterdays particular one I handled totally differently to usual.

I would normally not drive to the restaurant, for start, giving me the option to have some drinks, especially where food and social eating is involved. As someone aptly pointed out AT THE TABLE at our office xmas party 'You don't DO social eating do you?'

I COULD do social eating -if I picked round bits of food, eating practically none of the food put in front of me (I don't know whats in it, floating in suspicious amounts of oil!) and giving everyone else bits of my meal claiming it was offending me and knocking back glasses of anything strong enough for me to get through the meal to the point of the table being cleared and it's OVER.

NOT THE BEST OUTLOOK FOR ENJOYING MY LIFE...

I'd given some thought earlier in the day to this scenario and decided that I could do better than that.... I made the decision to drive there ensuring that 'drinking the food away' would not be possible.

I then analysed the type f food I would choose (was an Indian Restaurant) and how I would make my food choice....? I like most styles of Indian cooking, just get freaked out by what goes in it. There are 2 meats that I hate so much, I could NEVER put near my mouth and that is PORK and LAMB!! That is genuine dislike for the look/ taste and i'm not bothered by that at all- we must all have something we genuinely hate to eat based upon taste/ texture for non-ED reasons!!!

I ordered my favourite naan bread with amonds and sultanas and some chicken tikka and it was BEAUTIFUL!!!! I ate til I felt comfortable, sipped my iced water and listened to them chatting and laughing and just went with the flow.

On my way home I felt soooo good that it'd gone so well. The anxiety set in when I reached the house and I didn't want it to ruin the evening..... I was happy with what I had eaten but the ED voices started picking at me GRRRRRR.... so, I calmly made a big mug of peppermint tea- took my nightly dose of Seroquel and settled in front of TV to chill. I then began to tell my husband about the evening and I realised that, like the evening before, things had gone as I'd have liked and that I could do it if I wanted it enough (ok, a bit of help from mediation last night but AFTER the meal)

I felt so in control but control over something good happening not control in a damaging ED way. Hopefully, this is a real start of learning to live again with the things that have been so much out of control for so long. I know lots more work is needed and it will be hard sometimes but I'm going to keep at it and remember how good it feels to let myself experience being happy, healthy and alive.
AND... off the back of last nights success, I had a conversation with a work collegue this morning all about how tasty the food was and we discussed other restaurants and how we thought the food last night compared AND.. I actually enjoyed that I could feel comfortable and also be honest when I said how tasty it was and how nicer time I'd had... instead of wishing we weren't talking about it because of the things they 'didn't see' long after the meal was over- which unfortunately, sometimes wasn't pretty. A real GOOD, TOP one for me this time :)

CHALLENGE UPDATE: Alcohol + food

2009-02-26T13:22:00.001Z

This is my fave drink in the world !!!!(my other faves are all flavours of Green Tea and Horlicks) I love this SO much but it does have to be the Pear one (they do winter fruits and some others but this is by far the best!)

Last night, I managed to test out one of my challenges and see how it felt. I'd done a bit of a workout in the afternoon, nothing too much, just felt like I needed to 'wake up' a little so put some good music on and went on the Stationery bike for a bit, shake off the day and all that. So, i'm there cooking dinner, all showered and feeling fresh and looking forward to the meal I was cooking, husband and son had popped to the gym and I thought 'Oooh... I fancy a nice, cold cider over ice'.

Of course, I then set a chain of thought off in my head- the 'should I, shouldn't I' stuff. But I straight away thought back to the post from earlier in the week where I had planned how I could 'enjoy' a drink and how I was going to go about it. So, I got as much ice as I could into my lovely skull shaped, large wine glass, opened a bottle of my lovely cider, which had sat in the fridge for weeks, and poured a glass out.

I sipped it real slow, like I was drinking the holiest, rarest brew on the planet and really TASTED it and savoured it. The 550ml bottle lasted through until after we'd eaten and I loved every sip. Being only 4.5% alcohol I didn't feel whoozy or to the point where I couldn't think clearly, just nicely chilled and refreshed. It also meant that I could still keep my focus on my dinner and eating that without getting my mind all fuzzy due to drinking strong alcohol and totally ruining my meal.

A few thoughts fluttered through my mind about having added extra non-nutritional energy to my overall day and need I have done that but I told myself that it's what I should be able to do, a few times a week, if I enjoy it and that one 550ml fruity cider is NOT excessive or wrong.

The thing is, this is ideally how I would like to be able to enjoy alcohol from now on- as I planned. That way I can still concentrate on getting my proper nutrition with my food AND enjoy my favourite drink without getting too drunk and messing all my good thoughts up in my head.

There is actually deeper issues as regards the 'alcohol + food' interaction but I don't feel ready to write about this yet... I guess I find some of it still very disturbing but for now, I am, once again, proud that I proved to myself I CAN do the things I want/need/like without having to feel guilty or bow down to the ED and feel defeated.

Feeling slightly overwhelmed

2009-02-25T13:19:00.000Z

...I've had to revise, slightly, my weekly menu's due to trying to take too bigger steps in one go. Here's how it is..... I mentioned in an earlier post about the obsession with numbers- the constant counting of calories to the point of it being every waking thought and influencing everything I do, even in periods of apparent wellness, the counting, although not so restrictive, has always been there. And that was my main aim- to try and find a way to stop that- and I have found a way that seems to be working!! And it feels DAMN GOOD!! Its only been a week and a half and I've come so far in that field, it's just brilliant for me and I'm massively proud of myself, it is a BIG achievement and the most important aspect of my ED behavior that I'd cut my arm off to get rid of. BUT... with this in mind I need to just take care not to try and run too fast with the other stuff, like trying to add in too many foods just because mentally, I think I can handle it off the back of all this 'good vibe' from doing so well. I was planning todays menu last night and getting very flustered over too much choice on my options menu and SHOCK HORROR, one of the foods I'd bought had a sell by date of a few days time- but I couldn't find a way to incorporate into my menu- and I found myself getting incredibly anxious!! SO.... I sat back- and said to myself 'Sar, just cut the menu back to the same as last week; you planned a nutritious variety of foods including protein, fat, carb at every meal and enjoyed every bite, just carry on with that, stay safe and take smaller steps- remember, you've already started to accomplish something that will be life-changing....- why rush and mess it up?'
And I feel MUCH better today for getting it straight in my head. I an't get it all right in a week after years of getting it wrong- the Pancake night was such a sucess and I should be lovin myself for doing so well and not getting stroppy because I can't find a way to add a carton of Oat milk into my menu right now. Stay happy, stay smiley.

OMG I LOVE these!!

2009-02-25T10:12:00.001Z

Just came across these! I bought a load in New York in 2007 but I have to get them online in UK. Melted in Porridge??? As a quick alternative to actually scooping from seperate jars??? Prob stuffed full of additives though BOO! But, in moderation and all that...

We did the pancakes YAY!!

2009-02-24T20:17:00.000Z

We had good fun cooking these... I used Pumpkin Seed oil which I got the other night and its so tasty! We also added mixed spice to the batter which included ginger, cinnamon, nutmeg and vanilla and it really worked well. I had a savoury one with Raita yogurt mint dip and some mango chutney + veggie portion, then one with a little white choc spread. Only thing I was bit disappointed with was that mine were really quite small and I should really have tried to eat 'normal' size ones... however, was still a massive step and the first 'Pancake Day' in years where I would have even considered having a bite of one!

Pancake Day Dilemma

2009-02-24T13:18:00.000Z

I forgot it was Pancake day- my son must have forgot too but one way or another, when a work collegue asked me if I was going to be cooking pancakes tonight for my family, it kinda threw me off track.

On a Tuesday, my hubby is always out doing football and so we never have a family meal together on a Tuesday anyway. I usually use this meal oppurtunity to eat something that I really enjoy that the other pair (hubby & son) don't i.e. fish or veggie burgers.... because I genuinely do love salmon, tuna, quorn etc (not just an ED safe -food thing-anymore). They hate fish. Quorn they will tolerate but prefer not too.

The thoughts that ran through my head in the space of about a minute are as follows:

- 'Max will want pancakes- haven't got any stuff in- I can go get some after work- I don't know what's in them- need a recipe-oooh, what will I have??- I don't want to cook pancakes-will I have pancakes too?- what about my usual meal?- maybe they work with wholewheat flour-NO, why would I want to do that, Max won't like them if I use that- he won't want 'proper' dinner then- he'll just eat sugary pancakes instead and i'll have my usual dinner...No, I should have pancakes too- it's just 2 of us eating tonight and he'd like it if I had them with him....AAArrgghh WHAT TO DO!!!!!'

SO- HERES WHAT I HAVE DECIDED TO DO AND WHY.....

Firstly- I said 'whoa! Stop!' to myself.... then, I had a conversation with myself that went as follows:

'Sar, what would be so bad about having pancakes with your son?'

and mightn't you just know it- bit of an ED reaction from me-

'Because they're a bit scary-fried, greasy pancakes with all that sugar everywhere'.

'OK- Max can have as many as he likes for his meal-Its PANCAKE DAY!- you join him- make a couple for YOU- one small savoury with hummus etc served with some grilles veggies and then one sweet one, not too big, with some of that delicious white chocolate spread on it, then you've had a normal, balanced meal as you should have ANYWAY'..... And that settled it for me. I'll let you know the outcome tonight but this needed to be put in place Grrrrr !!ED must be CHALLENGED AND BEATEN!

Buying too much or too little at the supermarket

2009-02-23T17:54:00.000Z

It’s food shop tonight and it always manages to turn into a bit of a lark about (if my son decides to grace us with his assistance in trolley dashing thru the aisles) which is kinda good as it’s something that can be a bit of a bind, especially when it’s busy! Being a bit of a ‘list’ person, I’m always armed with a post-it note of ‘definate purchases’ and unlike my dear husband, DO NOT buy things because I will get 10 free ones if I buy 1 (he likes a bargain but its rarely stuff any of us are EVER going to eat).
And anyway, I was thinking about how I tend to get my knickers in a twist over something really quite silly…. I was thinking about how I get so anxious having either too much or too little of a certain food item(s) in the house. E.g. I like to have enough of the things I will eat but NEVER too much- its like if I buy it and then don’t eat it, it will be such a waste… but if I don’t get it and then next day, really want that thing, I’ll be cross at myself for not getting it…. And I began thinking how really very silly that it, REALLYY… I guess it’s a learned behavior and a proper ED trait that still hangs on. I sometimes think that if there is very minimal choice, I won’t have to make a decision about what to choose… So I have decided to CHALLENGE IT (Wa-hey, another one!) and meet myself halfway…. I’ll get a bit of variety but small amounts of it and if a few blueberries end up in the bin cos they’ve gone soggy, it’s NOT a problem!! Also, instead of rigidly saying to myself ‘ Tomorrow, I eat this, this this..’ I’m gonna think ‘Tomorrow, I’ll see what I fancy when I wake up and take it from there’. And then go and spend too much time flapping over what colour boots to wear LOL!!!

This is gonna taste of heaven....

2009-02-23T17:28:00.000Z

How exiting.....! This arrived today and having had a little dip in the jar, it was worth the wait. The main ingredient is White chocolate (25%) which is better than other ones I've seen. It has little black specs of vanilla in and smells wonderful! I shall melt this into my porridge oats for a delicious brekkie!!

http://www.getthereal.info/

2009-02-23T10:45:00.001Z

I came across this- it's good, sensible, healthy attitude promoting stuff- which I love. I like to read this now and again, makes me feel good, helps put good thoughts back in!

I feel a need for another small change......

2009-02-22T19:09:00.000Z

I need to sort out what I’m going to do as regards my ‘alcohol’ use- it’s been such a successful week for me on the Eating side as regards sticking to my menu and not measuring everything and the biggest one of all- not counting every calorie that comes near me- I can’t actually believe I’ve been able to manage to do that and I’m so proud of myself. I have stuck exactly to eating my meals and snacks and even though it can take a long time to get through even a sandwich, its been worth it!! I’ve even included a couple of foods that I would normally avoid for the sake of anxiety, like putting hummus on my sandwich where I could have left the bread dry- I just kept thinking that it was only myself I’d be cheating and repeating in my head that I NEED a balance of different foods… I’ve noticed as well as my other OCD related behaviors have decreased this week and how my mind has felt more calm and free-ed up from constantly adding numbers- its been great, I shall keep it up!!! Sooooo…. This ‘alcohol’ thing…. Its always been a funny relationship between myself and the demon drink!!!! I’ve never had an addiction to the stuff, just always chosen to drink it. The worst thing I did was to drink too much when trying to recover to a healthy weight and I kinda used it to numb the anger and the pain I felt from having to eat and I should have known better (I did know better, I guess I just wanted to be doing what everyone ‘normal’ was doing and fit back in…duh!) Problem now is that I’m trying so hard with the food thing, when I go out on the town and party like we did on Saturday night, I end up drinking too much ( I choose high content liquors with diet mixers when I actually like cider- hmmmmm ) then not being able to think properly or function ok next day, not to mention it then messing up my food choices due to a bad tummy. I DO NOT NEED THIS RIGHT NOW….. However, what I plan to do is incorporate it in a ‘healthy, normal’ way. It makes sense that with my lifestyle, it would be crazy to just say ‘never again, that’s it’ because I do enjoy a drink. Its different to choosing foods in way of having no nutritional value (or very little that’s gonna make me healthy) By the way- I usually don’t have anything all week until we go out on a Thursday with my parents, and then Fridays and Saturdays we usually go out for food and/ or drinks socially rest of week and Sundays I don’t drink anyway.
My aim for the next week, as regards the A word is this:

Don’t drink what I don’t fancy just because it is Low calorie- if going to bother, enjoy what I have- choose Koppaberg and make it last- enjoy the taste. Same as food- have it because I LIKE the taste and the experience of having it.

DO NOT feel guilty that I am adding in uneeded calories into my meal plans. In moderation, just like ANY type of food, it is perfectly ‘normal’ to have a glass with my evening meal.

Don’t drink to the point of being drunk- I found myself forcing it down at the weekend because others expected me to be drunk (was a birthday night out). Have more self love and do what I know is right FOR ME.

Remember that the feeling of being nourished and healthy is 100 times better than waking up feeling ill and not being able to eat right- I love to get up, go out and do things and hate to lay around in my PJ’s feeling sick just because I drank too much- this isn’t how I want to spend my Sundays and mess up my good week.

Socialising is more fun when I can remember conversations and laugh at other people who are very drunk- I have enough about me as a person to not need to drink in order to have a good time…. I used to believe that this was true…. Its NOT. It never has been, I love chatting to people and socializing and manage to do this all day long without being totally hammered.

I will review this over time and see what I learn from it…. See what works. Right, I’m off now and am looking forward to this week. I’m waiting for an order of Larabars and some Bakers & Larners Vanilla White choc spread to arrive and am getting exited about ways to get them into my menu’s daily! I find it fun as well as extremely scary but I know it will be towards having a better quality of life by not living by ED’s rules as I unfortunately have let happen for too long. I think ED rules were one of the few rules that WERE MADE TO BE BROKEN…. Completely.

Foods Wot I love

2009-02-21T10:03:00.000Z

Flapjack OMG For the moist, buttery taste and feel and my mouth... a true long-standing fave

White Chocolate Must be milky bar, dessert pots- icecream- THE BAR-melted on flapjack! (I've never done that... yet!)

Horlicks This is a truly under-rated beverage that I miss so badly (got to get this back in for bedtime bevvy- its SOOOO good!)

Peanut Butter I love this stuff spread on toast with white choc spread. This is a recent achievement for me to have got it back into my daily menu

Alpro Soya Milk (longife in a carton is best) I drink this with lunch sandwich and on my cereal and is one of the best tastes EVER!!! I LOVE ALPRO SOYA EVERYTHING!!!

Hoummous Again, bit of a struggle with this (Bloody E.D. tut tut) BUT... I have had it on my sandwiches EVERY day this week. Healthy, tasty and versatile

There are many more, I love Miracle Bars, Larabars, Trek etc. Wholefood bars which I SOOOO look forward to as my 11am snack at work. My challenge is to successfully incorporate these back into my menu plans and feel GOOD with it..... challenge the voices- remember I'm worth it, I'm worth it,I'm worth it ( I was always 'Worth it',ED just makes me forget sometimes)

AND.... ME!!

2009-02-21T09:51:00.000Z

I seem to ALWAYS have this 'pose' in any photo of me..... its ALWAYS a rose wine in my right hand with a look of 'cheers!' about it... however... I look happy and I like that. Its good to smile (while sipping wine!)

The Oatie Queen.......

2009-02-21T09:31:00.000Z

I got this rather lovely nickname in the hospital relating to our evening snacktime when we were required to choose 2 biscuits to eat with our Horlicks drink..... there was always a limited supply of Oatie bics and we were encouraged to have variety. I discovered a 'supply' meant for use by other patients (it had addiction patients etc too) and would ensure each evening that we all had at least ONE Oatie bic each to keep it fair...... Oh, the little things.

My Story AND a bit more about ME!

2009-02-20T10:12:00.000Z

I live in England with my husband and 12 year old son. I have long history of battling Eating Disorders, depression, self harm and also have diagnosis of Borderline Personality disorder and various other 'fantastic-NOT' labels, which I've learnt to use to my advantage as regards challenging them and not using them as excuses for messing up life, even though the afore mentioned have impacted greatly on just about everything so far. More about that later- what I DO have that I would never have thought possible is a beautiful son and supportive husband whom make it worth staying alive for, only now I don't just want to 'stay alive'- I want to 'LIVE'.

I'm a bit of a random type really, up until now, I would describe myself as the sort of person who is inconsistent in all aspects, impulsive, unpredictable, very loving and kind and sensitive and also a totally child-like, totally out-of-control, very needy and very lost- although I do give out super advice to others lots of the time (when they ask!)

In short, after my most recent in-patient stay for ED's (which I like to call FEDS- F standing for the obvious- and no punn intended on the FED- food thing LOL!) I have battled more than ever with the hellish pain of recovery weight gain and associated destructive behaviors that I indulged in as a way of dealing with that. And i've got to the point where it's just not acceptable anymore... for me. There has to be more than continually going round in great big endless circles of recovery- relapse- addiction blah blah....... with a few healthy episodes in between, short-lived and half-hearted..... inspired by a blog I started reading, I would like to be able to share and record the road to real life and hopefully be supportive, get support and have fun doing so.

I will probably talk a lot about my food- my meal choices- how it makes me feel- why it makes me feel and what I'm gonna do about it, more importantly. My aims are to ensure I eat because I deserve to and I need to and the choices I make as regards what to eat. So any support, input is gladly welcome- I can rant a lot and I can talk a lot of sense so expect a variety of very differing tones in my posts, Jekyll and Hyde style. Here goes........!! :0