Had a sudden attack of shakes this morning.... I'd already had brekkie, which was lovely- soaked Alpen with bran oats, chopped kiwi and vanilla soya milk- Yum! I'd been up about 2 hours and was just making coffee about 10am when it came on. I don't remember the last time that happened but I can recall occasions from a LONG time ago. It's like, I don't feel faint but my breathing is shallow and my whole body shakes. It leaves me feeling quite dazed for hours after and It scares me as I'm not sure what causes it. I sometimes think it might be when I took my meds later than usual at night or if it's to do with electrolytes (THAT'S what really scares me) or if it's just because I'm sub-consiously fighting ED thoughts and it just affects me physically???
I know i've been looking after myself really well and it's upset me to have this happen when I was so looking forward to making the most of the weekend. Anyways, I got a Trek Bar down with a cup of herbal green tea and lay down for a bit... it worry's my hubby though and I don't like that... It's like he may think I'm not doing enough to keep myself healthy when I'm trying so hard and actually really getting a lot out of trying to live well. I think he does know.... I guess I get frustrated when something like this happens and I'm doing everything right.
Oh well..... after lunch we're popping out to get some shopping etc so I'll see how it goes- bye for now X
Saturday, 28 February 2009
Friday, 27 February 2009
The voice of sense..... from me
Came into work today- needed to go get sugar & milk for communal fridge... male collegue sat opposite said:
"I'm starving, haven't had brekkie today, will you get me a brekkie sandwich from Tesco?"
So I said ok- what filling d'ya want...?
"Actually, NO, I don't want one- i'll get porky, leave it!"
(Bearing in mind he's NOT porky and eats very well/ normally/ nutritiously)
At this point, I looked at him and said
"No, you NEED to eat something, your body needs fuel in the morning and it's perfectly ok to have a sandwich for essential energy- you have work to do, you NEED it!"
And another collegue looked at me, gave me the thumbs up, and said
"Too right!! You tell him Sar! That's exactly how it is"
Might sound like a trivial thing but for ME to say that to someone and actually be using that advice myself right now, made me FEEL GOOD!
I got him a sandwich. All's well ;)
"I'm starving, haven't had brekkie today, will you get me a brekkie sandwich from Tesco?"
So I said ok- what filling d'ya want...?
"Actually, NO, I don't want one- i'll get porky, leave it!"
(Bearing in mind he's NOT porky and eats very well/ normally/ nutritiously)
At this point, I looked at him and said
"No, you NEED to eat something, your body needs fuel in the morning and it's perfectly ok to have a sandwich for essential energy- you have work to do, you NEED it!"
And another collegue looked at me, gave me the thumbs up, and said
"Too right!! You tell him Sar! That's exactly how it is"
Might sound like a trivial thing but for ME to say that to someone and actually be using that advice myself right now, made me FEEL GOOD!
I got him a sandwich. All's well ;)
Anti-psychotics & peppermint tea.....
..... and I went to bed smiling and feeling VERY happy! We'd had an office curry night last night, to which I went and although things like that cause a massive amount of pre-thoughts and planning, yesterdays particular one I handled totally differently to usual.
I would normally not drive to the restaurant, for start, giving me the option to have some drinks, especially where food and social eating is involved. As someone aptly pointed out AT THE TABLE at our office xmas party 'You don't DO social eating do you?'
I COULD do social eating -if I picked round bits of food, eating practically none of the food put in front of me (I don't know whats in it, floating in suspicious amounts of oil!) and giving everyone else bits of my meal claiming it was offending me and knocking back glasses of anything strong enough for me to get through the meal to the point of the table being cleared and it's OVER.
NOT THE BEST OUTLOOK FOR ENJOYING MY LIFE...
I'd given some thought earlier in the day to this scenario and decided that I could do better than that.... I made the decision to drive there ensuring that 'drinking the food away' would not be possible.
I then analysed the type f food I would choose (was an Indian Restaurant) and how I would make my food choice....? I like most styles of Indian cooking, just get freaked out by what goes in it. There are 2 meats that I hate so much, I could NEVER put near my mouth and that is PORK and LAMB!! That is genuine dislike for the look/ taste and i'm not bothered by that at all- we must all have something we genuinely hate to eat based upon taste/ texture for non-ED reasons!!!
I ordered my favourite naan bread with amonds and sultanas and some chicken tikka and it was BEAUTIFUL!!!! I ate til I felt comfortable, sipped my iced water and listened to them chatting and laughing and just went with the flow.
On my way home I felt soooo good that it'd gone so well. The anxiety set in when I reached the house and I didn't want it to ruin the evening..... I was happy with what I had eaten but the ED voices started picking at me GRRRRRR.... so, I calmly made a big mug of peppermint tea- took my nightly dose of Seroquel and settled in front of TV to chill. I then began to tell my husband about the evening and I realised that, like the evening before, things had gone as I'd have liked and that I could do it if I wanted it enough (ok, a bit of help from mediation last night but AFTER the meal)
I felt so in control but control over something good happening not control in a damaging ED way. Hopefully, this is a real start of learning to live again with the things that have been so much out of control for so long. I know lots more work is needed and it will be hard sometimes but I'm going to keep at it and remember how good it feels to let myself experience being happy, healthy and alive.
AND... off the back of last nights success, I had a conversation with a work collegue this morning all about how tasty the food was and we discussed other restaurants and how we thought the food last night compared AND.. I actually enjoyed that I could feel comfortable and also be honest when I said how tasty it was and how nicer time I'd had... instead of wishing we weren't talking about it because of the things they 'didn't see' long after the meal was over- which unfortunately, sometimes wasn't pretty. A real GOOD, TOP one for me this time :)
I would normally not drive to the restaurant, for start, giving me the option to have some drinks, especially where food and social eating is involved. As someone aptly pointed out AT THE TABLE at our office xmas party 'You don't DO social eating do you?'
I COULD do social eating -if I picked round bits of food, eating practically none of the food put in front of me (I don't know whats in it, floating in suspicious amounts of oil!) and giving everyone else bits of my meal claiming it was offending me and knocking back glasses of anything strong enough for me to get through the meal to the point of the table being cleared and it's OVER.
NOT THE BEST OUTLOOK FOR ENJOYING MY LIFE...
I'd given some thought earlier in the day to this scenario and decided that I could do better than that.... I made the decision to drive there ensuring that 'drinking the food away' would not be possible.
I then analysed the type f food I would choose (was an Indian Restaurant) and how I would make my food choice....? I like most styles of Indian cooking, just get freaked out by what goes in it. There are 2 meats that I hate so much, I could NEVER put near my mouth and that is PORK and LAMB!! That is genuine dislike for the look/ taste and i'm not bothered by that at all- we must all have something we genuinely hate to eat based upon taste/ texture for non-ED reasons!!!
I ordered my favourite naan bread with amonds and sultanas and some chicken tikka and it was BEAUTIFUL!!!! I ate til I felt comfortable, sipped my iced water and listened to them chatting and laughing and just went with the flow.
On my way home I felt soooo good that it'd gone so well. The anxiety set in when I reached the house and I didn't want it to ruin the evening..... I was happy with what I had eaten but the ED voices started picking at me GRRRRRR.... so, I calmly made a big mug of peppermint tea- took my nightly dose of Seroquel and settled in front of TV to chill. I then began to tell my husband about the evening and I realised that, like the evening before, things had gone as I'd have liked and that I could do it if I wanted it enough (ok, a bit of help from mediation last night but AFTER the meal)
I felt so in control but control over something good happening not control in a damaging ED way. Hopefully, this is a real start of learning to live again with the things that have been so much out of control for so long. I know lots more work is needed and it will be hard sometimes but I'm going to keep at it and remember how good it feels to let myself experience being happy, healthy and alive.
AND... off the back of last nights success, I had a conversation with a work collegue this morning all about how tasty the food was and we discussed other restaurants and how we thought the food last night compared AND.. I actually enjoyed that I could feel comfortable and also be honest when I said how tasty it was and how nicer time I'd had... instead of wishing we weren't talking about it because of the things they 'didn't see' long after the meal was over- which unfortunately, sometimes wasn't pretty. A real GOOD, TOP one for me this time :)
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