Am back. Never been away. Here.... but just simmering.
Strange how I could tell tales of my successes these last few months; impress you with my achievements, my new job, the friends I've made there, the way I've coped with the harsh reality shit that gets slung at you day in day out- all the positives and the happies and the smilies. Yet, for every bad time, for every fuck up and every very very deeply fucked up ED related piece of crap that weaves itself into my good times- I have very little success to report.
See, I kinda hoped like hell when I started this blog that I would somehow lightly bounce my way to certain recovery with a princess smiledoning ruby slippers and a sweet basket full of organic veggies and gluten free cup cakes, swinging merrily by my side while I smiled my pearly yellows with a sneaky fag behind my back and no knickers on as I waltzed down that yellow sick road..... didnEE happen..... f'in surprise Dorothy. IT DON'T.
So now I am still here, desperatly seeking therapy for no reason other than I need to do something. Holding down my job and work friends who can't possibly picture the monster I turn into on evening's and weekends when it kicks in that I am Borderline too much to let anyone know just how bad it is but ED'd outta my head enough to starve-drink-vomit- kill myself every single Friday and Saturday night.
I live somewhere where there is no reality.
I am in a place that hurts so bad, I actually can't think how I'm still here.
But manage to somehow blag a life due to my impressively perfected BPD that has allowed me to swap in and out of the little worlds I exist in and convince just about everyone that isn't unfortunate to have married me/ lived with me/ slept in my bed for more than an hour to believe that I am happy, smiley fuckin-sometimes -goddamn -witty little me who is (elbow in ribs and a wink-) such a wicked laugh!!!!!!
I am dying here. I am suffering and wasting and I am broken. I am also functioning, happy and fit n healthy.
How the fuck do I know whats real???? The end of the world, the bottom of the pit, is non-existent, after a good nights sleep and a day at work. I am many people. And this is the problem.
Anorexia is no longer allowed round here.
Which means everythin else is allowed.
To stay on the edge.
And that means EVERYTHIN'.
And however much hell n destruction is brought on by that cocktail of 'alternatives'...
The thing I can't have.... will poke it's dirty fingers into every other corner of my otherwise non-planned out week (i'e. the hours when I not at work).
And so............. I is livin' in hell. And doin' a damn good job of it! ;)
Tuesday, 17 November 2009
Friday, 15 May 2009
Web sites/boards for ED's?
I was just thinking about the different sites I have visited or become members of, over the last 5-6 years, in relation to Eating Disorders and Mental Health issues... It's probably quite a lot!
I don't really use them much, I'm more of your 'secret browser' type who lingers about, just reading posts that catch my eye- I've never really 'got into' being a part of any of them. Not purposely, just always felt un-worthy of them or totally above them- good old black and white thinking, just for a change!
There is a particular one (won't mention names) that I have been a member of for over 5 years now, that I still log onto almost daily. It is definately NOT pro-ana, although a great many people that are members of this site have been there longer than me and are mostly deep in ED dominated lives. I used to find this site terribly fascinating and would sit logged on for hours at a time, bemused by the subjects that were up for 'discussion'. I think I posted twice ever on this site and didn't much like the reaction I got to whatever it was I posted about. I log onto it now out of general nosiness, I suppose, and because it's been that many years, I almost feel like I know some of these people, even though they wouldn't have a clue who I am even on a username basis. They post pics, write diaries and talk about their lives and food, really positive, real stuff mostly. But then there is your share of who's eaten what and thrown it up too!
Allsorts.
I used to feel quite jealous that I couldn't seem to get involved as much as many of them... sometimes I had good advice based on my experiences or had input I could have given to help someone but I just couldn't seem to join in, no matter how many hours I hung around reading. Some people seem 'to' into them to me. Like, 'how can they be getting on with their lives and trying to recover if they're forever bloody posting on here?'. I know the desperation and depression and dis-attachment that ED's can bring about and it was probably one of the places they felt happiest and among those that understand, when trapped in a world that just can't seem to help or give you what's needed (hell knows you don't know yourself!) I think maybe I was just TO depressed and past caring to have the energy to get involved, rather selfishly speaking- !!! I like this blogging lark better... it's kinda like talking to yourself too, a lot of the time for me, anyway. And an immediate response is un-important, or indeed, any response. It's just nice to vent (smile face)
And anyway.... I was thinking to myself, how at different stages of my ED, the different things I got out of sites such as these... and how when I was a teenager, trapped in a world of ED's and not really understanding why or how it happened to me or what I was going to do about it.... and what the fuck I did before the world wide web.
I don't really use them much, I'm more of your 'secret browser' type who lingers about, just reading posts that catch my eye- I've never really 'got into' being a part of any of them. Not purposely, just always felt un-worthy of them or totally above them- good old black and white thinking, just for a change!
There is a particular one (won't mention names) that I have been a member of for over 5 years now, that I still log onto almost daily. It is definately NOT pro-ana, although a great many people that are members of this site have been there longer than me and are mostly deep in ED dominated lives. I used to find this site terribly fascinating and would sit logged on for hours at a time, bemused by the subjects that were up for 'discussion'. I think I posted twice ever on this site and didn't much like the reaction I got to whatever it was I posted about. I log onto it now out of general nosiness, I suppose, and because it's been that many years, I almost feel like I know some of these people, even though they wouldn't have a clue who I am even on a username basis. They post pics, write diaries and talk about their lives and food, really positive, real stuff mostly. But then there is your share of who's eaten what and thrown it up too!
Allsorts.
I used to feel quite jealous that I couldn't seem to get involved as much as many of them... sometimes I had good advice based on my experiences or had input I could have given to help someone but I just couldn't seem to join in, no matter how many hours I hung around reading. Some people seem 'to' into them to me. Like, 'how can they be getting on with their lives and trying to recover if they're forever bloody posting on here?'. I know the desperation and depression and dis-attachment that ED's can bring about and it was probably one of the places they felt happiest and among those that understand, when trapped in a world that just can't seem to help or give you what's needed (hell knows you don't know yourself!) I think maybe I was just TO depressed and past caring to have the energy to get involved, rather selfishly speaking- !!! I like this blogging lark better... it's kinda like talking to yourself too, a lot of the time for me, anyway. And an immediate response is un-important, or indeed, any response. It's just nice to vent (smile face)
And anyway.... I was thinking to myself, how at different stages of my ED, the different things I got out of sites such as these... and how when I was a teenager, trapped in a world of ED's and not really understanding why or how it happened to me or what I was going to do about it.... and what the fuck I did before the world wide web.
Thursday, 14 May 2009
Feeding time ticks on
Haha... ok, still here:) Will take me some time to set my other blog up and frankly, my concentration levels are crap right now; to sit down and put something decent together will mean I need a day to myself and have absolutely NOTHING else to do... but I will get it done.
I feel a whole lot stronger for having put my foot down as regards letting other people talk me into having a problem with ED all over again. I quite like where I am right now, in my head. I will, of course, change my tune completely over the course of the next few days/ weeks but that be of little surprise!!
However......... I think that maybe if I pay attention to the other area's of my mental health, it may be more beneficial to me overall. I'm just TOOOOO Borderline lately and a little OCD. It's strange, though, as I just function SO efficiently with my little rituals, my constant writing things down, my tick boxes and all that... hey, why would I want to chill and def doing all that when it enables me to be so useful???? Joking aside, that stuff can be a little OTT but at least I have recognition of it. It's like every other dimension of my mental health currently- is not bad enough to worry about and not near normal enough to forget. But I'm cool and I'm smiling and always aware...... XX
I feel a whole lot stronger for having put my foot down as regards letting other people talk me into having a problem with ED all over again. I quite like where I am right now, in my head. I will, of course, change my tune completely over the course of the next few days/ weeks but that be of little surprise!!
However......... I think that maybe if I pay attention to the other area's of my mental health, it may be more beneficial to me overall. I'm just TOOOOO Borderline lately and a little OCD. It's strange, though, as I just function SO efficiently with my little rituals, my constant writing things down, my tick boxes and all that... hey, why would I want to chill and def doing all that when it enables me to be so useful???? Joking aside, that stuff can be a little OTT but at least I have recognition of it. It's like every other dimension of my mental health currently- is not bad enough to worry about and not near normal enough to forget. But I'm cool and I'm smiling and always aware...... XX
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