Web sites/boards for ED's?

I was just thinking about the different sites I have visited or become members of, over the last 5-6 years, in relation to Eating Disorders and Mental Health issues... It's probably quite a lot!

I don't really use them much, I'm more of your 'secret browser' type who lingers about, just reading posts that catch my eye- I've never really 'got into' being a part of any of them. Not purposely, just always felt un-worthy of them or totally above them- good old black and white thinking, just for a change!

There is a particular one (won't mention names) that I have been a member of for over 5 years now, that I still log onto almost daily. It is definately NOT pro-ana, although a great many people that are members of this site have been there longer than me and are mostly deep in ED dominated lives. I used to find this site terribly fascinating and would sit logged on for hours at a time, bemused by the subjects that were up for 'discussion'. I think I posted twice ever on this site and didn't much like the reaction I got to whatever it was I posted about. I log onto it now out of general nosiness, I suppose, and because it's been that many years, I almost feel like I know some of these people, even though they wouldn't have a clue who I am even on a username basis. They post pics, write diaries and talk about their lives and food, really positive, real stuff mostly. But then there is your share of who's eaten what and thrown it up too!

Allsorts.

I used to feel quite jealous that I couldn't seem to get involved as much as many of them... sometimes I had good advice based on my experiences or had input I could have given to help someone but I just couldn't seem to join in, no matter how many hours I hung around reading. Some people seem 'to' into them to me. Like, 'how can they be getting on with their lives and trying to recover if they're forever bloody posting on here?'. I know the desperation and depression and dis-attachment that ED's can bring about and it was probably one of the places they felt happiest and among those that understand, when trapped in a world that just can't seem to help or give you what's needed (hell knows you don't know yourself!) I think maybe I was just TO depressed and past caring to have the energy to get involved, rather selfishly speaking- !!! I like this blogging lark better... it's kinda like talking to yourself too, a lot of the time for me, anyway. And an immediate response is un-important, or indeed, any response. It's just nice to vent (smile face)

And anyway.... I was thinking to myself, how at different stages of my ED, the different things I got out of sites such as these... and how when I was a teenager, trapped in a world of ED's and not really understanding why or how it happened to me or what I was going to do about it.... and what the fuck I did before the world wide web.

Feeding time ticks on

Haha... ok, still here:) Will take me some time to set my other blog up and frankly, my concentration levels are crap right now; to sit down and put something decent together will mean I need a day to myself and have absolutely NOTHING else to do... but I will get it done.
I feel a whole lot stronger for having put my foot down as regards letting other people talk me into having a problem with ED all over again. I quite like where I am right now, in my head. I will, of course, change my tune completely over the course of the next few days/ weeks but that be of little surprise!!
However......... I think that maybe if I pay attention to the other area's of my mental health, it may be more beneficial to me overall. I'm just TOOOOO Borderline lately and a little OCD. It's strange, though, as I just function SO efficiently with my little rituals, my constant writing things down, my tick boxes and all that... hey, why would I want to chill and def doing all that when it enables me to be so useful???? Joking aside, that stuff can be a little OTT but at least I have recognition of it. It's like every other dimension of my mental health currently- is not bad enough to worry about and not near normal enough to forget. But I'm cool and I'm smiling and always aware...... XX

ED and MY HAIR!!!???? Read this!

OMG!!!!



I've just had a sudden chain of thoughts, sparked off in the strangest way but has just been an eye opener and a real useful realisation for me in way of understanding my ED and the way my brain works...

Here goes....a lovely girl who I work with a couple of days a week and I, have just been having a conversation about hairstyles and hairdressers as I went to get a haircut yesterday afternoon.

Now, there is a bit of a story that goes along with my hair. I have, for years and years, had really long hair, usually with no particular style, just lots of colour and bleach!

Then, last year, I had what I considered to be a DISASTER with a decision I made about getting a haircolour done and ended up having to have A LOT stuff done to it that I really had no choice over and went from having hair that I loved to a tangled load of long, dry, brittle, broken, split, almost black witch-like hair. (due to the mess that was made of the colour, black was the only way to cover it up)

I really, really got into a terrible state about it and for weeks, wore a hat constantly- I wouldn't even let my husband see my hair as I felt as though I was the ugliest thing that ever walked (honestly, I really did).

Even then, I refused to get it cut or done into a style that would have helped the way it looked, as the thing that mattered to me most, even after all the mess, was the length of my hair. I didn't care that it was shit hair- to me, the fact that it was long meant that I had grown that and it was to stay no matter what! The thought of someone cutting even a centimeter off it, would be too much to bear. I had got my hubby to trim it a couple of times over the last few years but it was the most tiny bit off the ends and after he'd done it, I would keep going back to the mirror and checking and measuring the length and compare to how it was before I let him trim it. It was madness, as I knew it was in urgent need of cutting and logically knew that it would be much nicer if I had it cut but something inside my head could not do it.

This may sound really over the top and exaggerated but I tell you, it certainly is not!

The reason I'm sharing all this is because I realised, in having this conversation today, how I've managed, without realising it, to let go of my unreal idea that to be beautiful, my hair just HAD to be long or I was ugly (regardless of condition!) My hair now looks lovely and is way shorter than has been for ages and has some sort of style which I bit the bullet and had done about 3 months ago. It was a sudden decision and the day I decided to do it, I knew I had to get an appointment then and there, that very day or I might not go through with it. Funny thing is, to me it was SUCH a BIG DEAL and the anxiety for about a week after was immense. I started to analyse photographs of my hair now against that of a year ago and pulled them to pieces in my head about whether I looked less attractive with my new hairstyle- all in the same way that I do with my ED and photo's from the past against now- and the anxiety and feelings are identical!

I find it a very interesting connection, for perhaps a little more consideration and thought, see what's really going on.

I don't think it makes me a shallow person, as in, I only care how I look- as that's not the case- it's more the thought of me doing something that might put me in a worse position than i'm in now (even though that position NOW may not be best) and passing control to someone else to trust them to do what I want and not mess it up for me.

I guess it's to do with changes and habits and not wanting to let go of something for fear and not-knowing so can be easier to stay as you are. And even when my hair was truly at 'rock bottom'- (that sounds real funny!),it took me a year to let go and sort it out. And now I can have a conversation with my collegue about hairstyles and not feel an inch of anxiety that it's not that long anymore and that that has no real impact on my life or how I feel about myself deep inside.

This may sound weird and 'what the hell!!' but it has just struck several chords with me how distorted I can make trivial things and I find it interesting....Hmmmmm.

Xx

frustration-loved ones-arguements-Hmmmm...answer is?

Hey, I had a thought (again)...

Non-disordered eating people (does that even sound right?) who are 'under-weight' for example, like the people on that programme Supersize V Superskinny, they live 'normal' lives due to the fact that they aren't mentally unwell, with food issues.
So- if I'm beating the ED and constantly working at finding ways to help myself and make things good, stay well, does it really matter that i'm hovering about at the lower end of the ideal weight range, so long as I'm considered healthy and have no health problems relating to weight? Does it REALLY matter or is it more essential that my mind stays focused on keeping irrational ED dictations out of the picture?
I'm a little cross/ frustrated with someone, right now, a person in my life, who has made it clear they don't like that I have a few boney bits.....
Now, my arguement here, is this (was this, unfortunately and I HATE to argue about this subject):

Ok, I may have a few boney bits- and so???
Well, it's not very nice.
Sorry you don't like it, I'm at a healthy weight
But you look as though you aren't
What do you want me to do? Put some more weight on, even though i'm in the healthy range, just because you don't like my bony bits?
Yes
But that will cause a lot of anxiety, to try and gain some weight, when I've just managed to put in place a method of eating meals and snacks and including lots of different foods and keep my weight stable and feel happy and well and better than in years?
Yes, because you'd look a bit better
But no-one else seems to have a problem with the way I look and so what if they do? I see people who I believe to be 'too skinny' or 'too fat' and I don't have a problem with it, so long as they're happy with how they look. Why would I? AND, if I were concerned about a 'friend' as I thought they looked unwell, I would ask them how they are, if things are ok and how's it going... especially if I knew they'd been unwell in the past...
People aren't honest... no-one would say anything to you
Well, I can't control what other people do or think. It matters to me how I feel and how I know I am. Anyone who cares enough or who is close to me, those who matter, will not have a problem with the way I look, I already communicate with people around me about my insecurities about food and past ED history, a few people at work, my family and closest friend- by sharing this with them, it helps to keep me well- so the fact I'm quite open about my struggles means that they can ask me how i'm doing and not feel that they're being nosey
But you're too skinny....
I don't like you saying that- it's about more than that- I'm doing well, I'm not going to become ill and if I did, it's got nothing to do with the way I look now- I could be ten or eleven stone and deep into a cycle of binge eating/ vomiting/ abusing alcohol and severley depressed but would it be ok that I 'look' healthy- hey, I may even have 'fat' bits that you don't like...
I'd like them better than your bony bits...
But it's about my 'health' not the way I look- my physical and mental health- and I'm doing ok, I'm having the usual issues that I've always had, but I'm doing better than in along time...
But I think your too thin...

Can you see how this might have continued round in circles. It's hard as I need this person on my side- with me. Telling me how proud they are of me for making the decision to try and help myself, keeping the ED under control. To see the bigger picture and that the glass is half full here. One of the reasons I decided to start blogging was to record how things are going, get advice, give advice and to be honest with myself and share my progress & problems. Surely that's not the way a person who wants to let their eating disorder run away with their life would go about things?
I know loved ones find it difficult. But I do need them to listen to me and know that I will and do ask for help when I'm struggling and in the meantime, lets just enjoy ourselves.

The truth is out

I am caught in an far- more -than- usual erratic string of thoughts.
It has been this way for several days now.
It's not good or bad, just unsettling and means it's hard for me to write anything here.
Too many jumps in emotions. Or too quickly. Or both.

Ok- this is this the 'thing'. And I don't like to validate the way I feel emotionally to how I am physically but I know EXACTLY what my issue is now:
Currently, I'm around a body weight where i'm still 'healthy' but only just. And I mean from a medical proffesional chart type of thing. Were I to actually have a BMI calculated, it would be in the healthy range but a couple of pounds down would be too low.
I'm happy with how I feel, look, the way my clothes fit, the way I feel physically, the type- frequency and amount of food I consume, my social eating is going ok (it's better than in a long time)... So...
WHATS THE FUCKING PROBLEM?....

Surely this would be everything I need to just carry on living and flapping about with the every day stuff- work, needing to go buy make-up, have I called my mom in days????

Problem is: l'm not used to functioning normally at my current physical status.

There. I said it. And this is what it means:

Whenever I have gone rapidly downhill ED & depression wise, in the past, it has always been at around this stage. Now, this time it's different.
I'm the way I am now from cutting back on drinking alcohol all the bloody time.
I'm the way I am now from doing some exercise.
I'm the way I am now from eating a wide range of foods from all different food groups and not 'binging on protein' or 'getting stuffed on vegetables' or eating 20 diet yogurts in a day.
I'm the way I am now without being terribly depressed, out of control, abusing alcohol, hurting my family.
I am the way I am now and holding down my job, looking after my family, having fun and living a nice life.

I have linked, in my head, that being physically, as I am now, with being in a pretty bad Eating Disorder place.
And this is why my mood jumps are so frequent lately. When I'm at work or having fun or enjoying time with my family, I am the strong, confident happy person that is Sar. This is where I believe I am REALLY- deep down, I am still this Sar and NOT the 'ED' Sar.
When I'm tired or having a down day or out somewhere I don't want to be, I am hunched up, hands in sleeves, looking afraid and skinny and holding myself as I did deep in the ED- checking for 'bones', room in jeans, measuring arms with hands and portraying myself as though I would rather be invisible. But this isn't where I am mentally. I can just slip in and out of this, like a spoiled child, when it's all too much- an escape route, a trap door.

And I guess that last line sums it up. I'm in a very safe but very dangerous place. It's up to me to stay on the safe side as that is what I want for myself. But i'm close enough to the bad place that if 'need strikes', I'm within reach of the deadly crutch.

And maybe that is why I'm so far from full recovery but so far from being ill.

I posted here, a while ago, about this subject but couldn't put my finger on why I am stuck in this place. Now, it's quite clear.

I won't accept full recovery but won't allow myself to be ill.

And now I have some thinking to do. Input anyone?

Lastly and totally off subject...
I took this picture last week, before I came into work one morning. I was early and went for a wander...This church is at the back of where my office is and I hardley ever go over. It was so beautiful and peaceful, I wanted to freeze time and just stand there... it was perfect. And even my shitty camera phone managed to do it justice. ;)

Brief self- review

Since yesterday, when I couldn't really get in tune with myself, I thought I should review where I'm at with things and what i'm going to do to ensure that I keep heading in the direction of what i'm trying to achieve here, which was to find a safe, healthy, fun and forefilling way to live without the ED crutch. I seem to have temporarily lost sight of that...

It was going well. It still is- just over the last week or so, a slight rebellious streak has set in. A couple of minor setbacks have occured since I started writing on my blog and I managed to shake them off and carry on battling. Then, another couple of minor slips and I'm feeling a little like I've lost my focus and started being less kind to myself than I should be. And I don't want that.

I'm just not entirely sure where to start.

As regards the food issues...
I've completely overwhelmed and confused myself by trying to be too creative and colourful with my new food ideas ,introducing items that I would like to eat without any problem but then finding that it wasn't as easy and straightforward as I'd hoped and getting my head into a tangle over it. I just need to slow right down with all that and realise that it's not a bad thing or a set back to not be able to do that right now- I've established a daily menu template that ensures I eat a balanced breakfast, snacks and lunch and cook a meal for the family's evening meal. And I've successfully implemented this into my daily life.
This has taken away a hell of a lot of the anxiety and wasted time in a day that used to occur and that is a big achievement for me. I've just been trying too hard with this one and losing sight of the fact that I'm already doing well. I should stop punishing myself for messing up, when really I haven't messed up and feel good about myself for the way i've turned things round to help myself have a more stable footing with my meals.
I think i'll leave it here for today. I can see that I need to step back a bit and just live in the now, for what it is, at the level i'm at and not try and jump over any higher walls than I need to. I need to be comfortable and happy at the place i'm at before I try and get to the next, better place.
And I need to have a talk with some people close to me and get some feedback and assistance so I can head into the near future and continue to keep it ticking along.

Waste or Worry not?

I've started buying certain food, like hummus or big yogurt pots... and immediately throwing half away.

I'm the only person, in my household, who eats these things.

I love them. I love hummus. And big pots of creamy yogurt, to go on cereal.

But the others don't eat it. And I find these foods 'scary' or fear foods, if you like; due to their high nutrition content in a small amount, relatively speaking.

But I could probably eat an entire pot/ tub of them in a day due to the tastiness and the fact that they're not stodgy and filling, on their own, but very eatable straight from the pot.

And I hate to feel that I have to eat something, just because it is nearly at it's sell-by or use-by date. But I do.I know that a 'non-disordered' eater would just eat it and not think anymore about it. But I guess I get issues.

So- instead of waiting to get to that point, I have started immediately 'halving' the contents- throwing half out, as soon as I buy it, so that I have half left to use for my meals and not a GREAT BIG pot. That seems to work better, in my head, than throwing away the unused gone off half???? It lowers my anxiety from the start, instead of it lasting days where I will be sitting at work thinking 'I must use up that hummus tonight but... Oh no- we're having Spaghetti Bolognaise and I won't be able to fit it into my meal... what a waste!'

I could but smaller pots but the items, as mentioned above, don't come any smaller and I buy them to be 'normal' and NOT have size issues... then do THIS crazy thing- !! Now I'm cross for writing this... such a fuck up.

Anyway- subject change: I noticed my handwriting changes in size and direction quite a lot, depending. On what, I'm not sure. I think it may be a Borderline Personality related trait. It annoys me though, as it triggers off the same thoughts as with food. That being 'Wow! I love the way I write today! I'm going to ensure I keep writing like this forever! Why would I have never written in this style before? Wow! What else can I write now, to keep doing it forever?'

Which is the same when I devise a new menu. Or wear a new outfit style. Or do my make-up a certain way...

God- this just goes on! No firm identity- no idea who I am or who I want to be, not really, not deep down.

And it's the same with my job.Which I love, what I mean is, lack of carrier/ direction. It's always been the same with every aspect of my life- I get bored- change my mind- get influenced from something/ somewhere/ someone..... and my whole philosophy changes; my attitude; my values; my opinions.

All because I don't REALLY know who I am at all.

I know we all change our views & outlooks etc, with time- but several times in day? Nearly every day? No wonder I'm confused and lost.

But am feeling bizarrely OK today. And will share with you, a pot of my favourite cream for my eyes & face. I love the texture & smell (reminds me of something from being a kid) and it sits nice and comfortable on my skin. I had sore eyelids last night and this made them feel lovely. I think I got Cillit Bang spray on my hands, then rubbed my eyes- or something. Silly girl!

3 posts in one- A lot going on in head today!!

Watched Supersize V Superskinny last night, on TV. I absoulutely love programmes of this nature; anything about mental health, dieting, nutrition, eat-this-eat-that-DON'T-eat that, man with extra feet- basically anything along those lines facinates me and is my 'entertainment'.

I use them to fuel my knowledge and understanding of the very subject that is slowly destroying me and eating (no punn intended) into my ever shortening life by taking up far too much time!! (thats not gloomy, I mean that life is too short and everyday, it gets shorter).

This particular programme is watched by me & my son while my hubby is out and has become like a Tuesday night regular (and I watch VERY little TV due to short attention span and little interest in anything that's not going to benefit me- sigh!)

Quite obviously, to me anyway, the people on this show are in 2 categories. The skinnies basically have no emotional attatchment to food, aren't really that interested in it and for one reason or another, have just grown up and not really managed to take in enough energy to sustain a healthy body weight and just need to re-learn how to eat enough. The overweight participants, on the other hand, seem to me to have deeper issues in which food has been used as a comfort or an escape from whatever that may be. Bordering on the 'COE' area, which is interesting.... although I'm guessing they were given a certain degree of pyschological grilling before being accepted to go on the show.

Anyways- what I was ACTUALLY wondering WAS: when the underweight lot go away after the show and carry on with their 'new diet plans', how does the same pattern of weight gain not occur in them as it does when recovering physically from Anorexia? In that, we have an un-even weight distribution and gain lots extra body fat due to muscle wasting and fucked up metabolisms.... physically a lot of them have the same body types where their BMI's are well below 17 and due to their poor eating habits, have probably fucked their metabolisms too....?

Any thoughts, any one?

Flesh grabbing and bone feeling- Just sharing my thoughts here....

Just need to stop doing this so much.... maybe cos I don't use scales- it's like a measure. But I think I get used to the way my body 'feels' and then, like now, I can't really tell what the point of me doing it is.... like- when I was mega ill I used to constantly grab my upper arm and if my fingers didn't join, that would have been dreadful!!!! And now- I wonder if it's just an ED habit? A 'thing' that I do out of anxiety, maybe? But it's just something I noticed I do a lot- with my trousers as well- see how much room there is left since I last wore them? But it doesn't actually mean much to me anymore, which I guess is good? Or does it not mean much because everything feels ok now? After a couple of years into 'full physical recovery' I still did this-constantly and HATED what I felt!! I hated flesh above my jeans, flesh on my arms- everywhere- I could have cried everyday at the sight and feel of all that flesh. And now I feel ok with how I am- now I've levelled out the weight thing and have got rid of the 'puppy' fat extra that physical recovery slapped onto random body bits. Now- what I feel is ok. This must be a good thing, it must mean that I'm content with looking how I do, not desiring to be any thinner, feeling good with having the body I've got. I think the biggest issue I have now is that I want to stay this way- which is healthy- but gaining ANY weight is still a massive NO NO. So, is that still a problem??? Conclusion to self: It isn't RIGHT but it's a long way off from being wrong.

Not booked to see my GP like I was going to
I think I feel like I'm just too busy right now... or that I should wait a while- but I can't get my head around what to wait for??? I sometimes worry about reactions I might get from other people, whoever it may be, and if it's not the response I'm looking for- then I wish I hadn't bothered- don't know if i'm making sense today AT ALL. I need a weekend break away from normal run of things to clear some repetitive patterns that may be hindering clear thoughts...

And finally- I'm doing the family a roast dinner tonight with the first-time-ever- that i'll have hand cooked and roasted potatoes!! So i'll post a couple of piccies of that later- just because....! Xx

ED Voice shut up shut up shut up....!!

Just a quick one here- I actually want to write about the 'B' word (and the 'P' word that usually goes with that- i'm sure if you understand my B & P abbreviations you'll know what I'm on about??!! ) BUT, I'm saving that for when I can find a way to get across what I need to.
So, I've had:

• A sliced apple with tbsp Vanilla Heaven PB
• Coco Loco Nakd Bar
• Hummus, spinach & white cabbage sandwich on wholewheat
• Some strawberries

Reason I just posted this is because I've spent the last couple of hours thinking about if I've ate too much or not enough and battling in my head if I should add up the 'numbers'- you know- the C word....! And I've managed to ask myself 'what's going on here?'

I feel nourished and fed and not by any means stuffed- I've had my meals and snacks, as planned and the food choices I've made are balanced and healthy- so why would I need to add up any sort of numbers and ruin it??? 'What is THAT all about, hey Sar....?'

Ok- I'm glad I asked myself that cos this is what its about...

I haven't done any planned exercise for over a week now, that is, my exercise bike or skipping rope work-outs that I do at home sometimes. And much as I've made a deal with myself that I will only do them as part of a healthy lifestyle, I guess the ED side of things throws another light on it when I'm caught off guard. And the other 'trigger' has been the weekend events, eating maybe more stuff that's not in my meal plan and having a couple of extra drinks (alcohol) than I planned. But I need to re-inforce to myself that I have in no way done anything that warrants me trotting down the ED path to try and punish myself for LIVING a little.

I have all these fears, including waking up one morning and not being able to pull my jeans up my legs anymore or grabbing pounds of flesh that has manifested on me in the night... and much as I know this is ridiculous, I have to keep repeating the FACTS in my head- the straight forward factual facts as regards needing to considerably overeat for longer than 1 day to lay down extra lb's and that 1 extra pint of cider or an small size dessert or Larabar for a couple of days, ISN't going to turn me into some supersize. It doesn't happen like that.... And then there is the thoughts that go like 'Well, I'm different.... my metabolism is screwy'

NO SAR- it WAS screwy- during the recovery process 3 years ago, it was fucked. Fucked until about 6 months ago when it finally levelled out again. That's 2 and a half years of shit, recovering from an illness that you're hovering on if you keep making it a problem to eat a bit extra or drink a bit extra or SIT AND COUNT THE AMOUNT OF CALORIES YOU'VE EATEN SO FAR TODAY.

So..... I'm going to get a cup of coffee, take an apple, a babybel and an Alpro yogurt, and get on with day and enjoy the fact that I'm strong enough to fight the ED voice today. Xx

Explaining yourself based on BMI/ Weight

This is a bit of a rant but terribly frustrating, I feel I just need to shout very loudly and somehow make somebody listen.

Here's how it is:

Right now, I'm having a few physical problems with different ailments but I'm trying my best to look after myself and seem to be, overall, doing ok.

I 'm doing my meal plans and eating a wide range of foods, from all food groups and although it's sometimes very hard, and ED will poke it's ugly head in (whats new?),I'm managing it all better than I have in a long, long time. And when ED issues come up- I try to rationilize them, deal with it, make it better and learn from it, which I've never had the strength to try and do before.


Problem is this: because I have dropped a few pounds (I don't have scales BTW, just clothes to go by) there are a few people starting to notice and question my health in relation to the ED. Some of them are people very close to me, whom care about me and are concerned and some are village gossips who love nothing better than to find a 'scandel' or something amiss to fill their sad little lives with the business of others rather than deal with their own sh*t.

However, regardless of who they are and the reason for their concern, ONE THING that winds me up the most is this- mentally, I am far stronger, far more stable and far happier and content with my life RIGHT NOW than I have been for the last 4 years, despite being at a bit lower weight than I have been BUT am definately not underweight in a cause for concern type way. And -over the last 18 months, where I have been at a weight a little over 'ideal', I have been in an ED hell which has caused the most horrendous personal problems relating to alcohol, aggression, binge eating & vomiting, depression and many other mental disorders, all based around the fact that I had recovered physically, but definately NOT MENTALLY.

Yet, no-one really understood, if they knew at all, which most didn't. I covered it well so as not to draw attention to myself, having been hospitalized a year previous, I had to be seen to be well and hold down a life.

People would make comments constantly on how well they thought I was doing and all that and I just wanted to cry and scream at them and tell them that the hell going on in my head was far worse than at any other time and I just couldn't deal with it. But it didn't matter- because I looked well, so I should just be thankful for that. Human nature, I guess..... sigh

And now, it's like the opposite way round- where I may not 'look' terribly well BUT definately don't need anyone fussing as I'm doing ok ED wise, (which is the demon in my life) and feeling pretty damn good.

I just wish there had been as much support on offer when I actually needed it, when I was at breaking point several times over the last year- and not really now when life is pretty good on a personal, mental health level.

I guess I'm just ranting on as it seems so so so unfair that now I'm feeling happy and levelled out, it can't be accepted by others as all they seem to want is to see 'a bit of colour in my cheeks' and 'a bit more flesh on my bones'

RANT OVER. Just needed to vent a little. I know it's only cos they care. I just sometimes need to get it out so that I don't have to keep toying with it in my head. Kind of, get it out and move on.
Have a good day peeps. Xx

Oh, soooo tired but REALLY trying, yes I am!!

I Found that peanut butter, the White Chocolate Wonderful.... they've re-named it Vanilla Heaven and I've ordered a load of it off of a website who supply UK with American goodies (http://www.americansweets.co.uk/)

- not to say that my own creation isn't ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL!!! I have it daily and even got my son, Max (who claims to disklike PB) eating it from the jar with a spoon!!



As regards me, I don't really know how I feel right now. Do you ever wish that you could hold on to a 'feeling' or a way of living, forever? Like, when you've had a really good, positive week and feel so in-control and free at same time???? Let me try and explain.... a couple of weeks ago, when I started this blog, I'd set myself some goals and aims for getting it all together, ED wise. And I'm doing really good. Just my health is proper going down-hill and I'm not entirely sure why.....?



I know, deep down, that years of abuse via Eating Disorders, is most probably to blame for a lot of the health problems I'm having now. Also, the fact that i'm nearly 33, not 23 anymore means I prob can't keep 'getting away with it'-It seems almost a little ironic that the first time I've actually got somewhere with sorting this ED from it's roots and trying to do it all in little steps and do it right, is the first time now that I'm having medical implications that it's caused.

Yes, I've had digestive trouble and dental problems and circulation irregularities but it's all been stuff that I can put right or at least, make better.

The scary on it now is irreversible complications that may have worsened and be starting to affect me physically; I just feel so unwell generally. I'm hoping that a minor case of iron deficiency can be blamed for it but I'll see when I get my bloods back tommorow and take it from there. It's easy to imagine the worst possible out-comes- i'm an expert in that!!



So... what am I eating then? Just for fun, I like to share!



I'm doing the All-bran, soya milk & chopped Kiwi for my brekkie, right now. I tried for a week or so, not portioning it out i.e. random cereal & milk amounts but I found I was probably under-estimating a little on a proper size, so I've begun to measure it, just until I can comfortably do it with no second thought (I don't liked doing this but for now it ensures I get my full portion, no anxiety)



I always have my Trek bar mid-morning- it lasts for about half-hour and is truly fantastic. I could eat thse for every meal (I know that's wrong and I WOULDN'T!). I also got my Larabars by post delivery the other day, in a variety of yummy flavours, so i'll be swapping some Trek days for Larabars.



Lunch is ALWAYS a sarnie....... cashew nut butter and marmite and white cabbage OR white choc PB & cabbage (that's sooooo yummy, honestly- try it). I WAS having a glass of soya milk with that but I haven't brought it to work with me last couple of days- I guess I need to get back to making sure I do that, only a little thing but very important to me on a pyschological level.



Afternoons- usually an apple & babybel lite cheese and a few cups of coffee with Hazelnut+ Almond Rice Milk. Or, if I feel I need it- another bar or a small cereal & soya milk.

And dinner is dinner. I feel like I'm doing really well with the flexibility on this meal. My family are lovin that I will eat pizza with them and cook curry or spaghetti and stuff that I never bothered with before. So that's good.... Again, my portions should maybe be a little bigger but I just can't fit it in right now- maybe I have to look at that once I know whats goin on with my body, after tommorow's results. I feel like I'm making excuses, waiting for these tests to come back but it's worrying me greatly right now and I guess I just don't want the extra anxiety until I know what I'm dealing with. And, I'm just SOOOOO tired. But I will be fine and will carry on with the good stuff- the good thoughts- the happy-positive- I'm not going to be beaten thoughts- always. X