The truth is out

I am caught in an far- more -than- usual erratic string of thoughts.
It has been this way for several days now.
It's not good or bad, just unsettling and means it's hard for me to write anything here.
Too many jumps in emotions. Or too quickly. Or both.

Ok- this is this the 'thing'. And I don't like to validate the way I feel emotionally to how I am physically but I know EXACTLY what my issue is now:
Currently, I'm around a body weight where i'm still 'healthy' but only just. And I mean from a medical proffesional chart type of thing. Were I to actually have a BMI calculated, it would be in the healthy range but a couple of pounds down would be too low.
I'm happy with how I feel, look, the way my clothes fit, the way I feel physically, the type- frequency and amount of food I consume, my social eating is going ok (it's better than in a long time)... So...
WHATS THE FUCKING PROBLEM?....

Surely this would be everything I need to just carry on living and flapping about with the every day stuff- work, needing to go buy make-up, have I called my mom in days????

Problem is: l'm not used to functioning normally at my current physical status.

There. I said it. And this is what it means:

Whenever I have gone rapidly downhill ED & depression wise, in the past, it has always been at around this stage. Now, this time it's different.
I'm the way I am now from cutting back on drinking alcohol all the bloody time.
I'm the way I am now from doing some exercise.
I'm the way I am now from eating a wide range of foods from all different food groups and not 'binging on protein' or 'getting stuffed on vegetables' or eating 20 diet yogurts in a day.
I'm the way I am now without being terribly depressed, out of control, abusing alcohol, hurting my family.
I am the way I am now and holding down my job, looking after my family, having fun and living a nice life.

I have linked, in my head, that being physically, as I am now, with being in a pretty bad Eating Disorder place.
And this is why my mood jumps are so frequent lately. When I'm at work or having fun or enjoying time with my family, I am the strong, confident happy person that is Sar. This is where I believe I am REALLY- deep down, I am still this Sar and NOT the 'ED' Sar.
When I'm tired or having a down day or out somewhere I don't want to be, I am hunched up, hands in sleeves, looking afraid and skinny and holding myself as I did deep in the ED- checking for 'bones', room in jeans, measuring arms with hands and portraying myself as though I would rather be invisible. But this isn't where I am mentally. I can just slip in and out of this, like a spoiled child, when it's all too much- an escape route, a trap door.

And I guess that last line sums it up. I'm in a very safe but very dangerous place. It's up to me to stay on the safe side as that is what I want for myself. But i'm close enough to the bad place that if 'need strikes', I'm within reach of the deadly crutch.

And maybe that is why I'm so far from full recovery but so far from being ill.

I posted here, a while ago, about this subject but couldn't put my finger on why I am stuck in this place. Now, it's quite clear.

I won't accept full recovery but won't allow myself to be ill.

And now I have some thinking to do. Input anyone?

Lastly and totally off subject...
I took this picture last week, before I came into work one morning. I was early and went for a wander...This church is at the back of where my office is and I hardley ever go over. It was so beautiful and peaceful, I wanted to freeze time and just stand there... it was perfect. And even my shitty camera phone managed to do it justice. ;)

Brief self- review

Since yesterday, when I couldn't really get in tune with myself, I thought I should review where I'm at with things and what i'm going to do to ensure that I keep heading in the direction of what i'm trying to achieve here, which was to find a safe, healthy, fun and forefilling way to live without the ED crutch. I seem to have temporarily lost sight of that...

It was going well. It still is- just over the last week or so, a slight rebellious streak has set in. A couple of minor setbacks have occured since I started writing on my blog and I managed to shake them off and carry on battling. Then, another couple of minor slips and I'm feeling a little like I've lost my focus and started being less kind to myself than I should be. And I don't want that.

I'm just not entirely sure where to start.

As regards the food issues...
I've completely overwhelmed and confused myself by trying to be too creative and colourful with my new food ideas ,introducing items that I would like to eat without any problem but then finding that it wasn't as easy and straightforward as I'd hoped and getting my head into a tangle over it. I just need to slow right down with all that and realise that it's not a bad thing or a set back to not be able to do that right now- I've established a daily menu template that ensures I eat a balanced breakfast, snacks and lunch and cook a meal for the family's evening meal. And I've successfully implemented this into my daily life.
This has taken away a hell of a lot of the anxiety and wasted time in a day that used to occur and that is a big achievement for me. I've just been trying too hard with this one and losing sight of the fact that I'm already doing well. I should stop punishing myself for messing up, when really I haven't messed up and feel good about myself for the way i've turned things round to help myself have a more stable footing with my meals.
I think i'll leave it here for today. I can see that I need to step back a bit and just live in the now, for what it is, at the level i'm at and not try and jump over any higher walls than I need to. I need to be comfortable and happy at the place i'm at before I try and get to the next, better place.
And I need to have a talk with some people close to me and get some feedback and assistance so I can head into the near future and continue to keep it ticking along.

Away with the fairies

So glad it's halfway through the week... feeling a little 'floaty' today.

I feel a bit detatched, kind of like, there's nowhere I really want to be today; It's hard to explain- maybe I'm just needing to do something out of routine to shake myself up a bit. I don't even know if i'm happy; i'm a bit emotionless and empty, like I have no opinions or cares about much- I don't like it though. What I hate most, is how every day is so different as regards my moods, attitudes and outlook yet every day is pretty much exactly the same as regards it's content and events. Stability might be nice- (I think- don't know)

So, will veer off with a casual little thought that I had about footwear!

I love these boots (pic- it's a bad quality pic!)

I got the Doc Martens WITH A HEEL in January- I saw them and instantly had to go buy them. They're patent shiny black and SOOOO comfortable. And I can get away with them for work, under my trousers. I wear them 'victorian' style with long floaty skirts too. But I have to be in the right sort of mind-set to wear this look- it's more 'grown-up than my usual attire, in which I often end up looking like a hormonal, rebellious teenager with issues.



The other boots are made by a company called 'New Rock'.

I got these for christmas and they are also my top, top, top favourite boots in the world!! They have a steel heel and are very comfortable also. But only for going out or after-dark occasions.

Unlike clothes, footwear is usually JUST footwear. My feet are always going to be the same size regardless of how many apples or suet puddings I eat and I have no 'measurement' hang-ups with footwear, it's impossible, which is GOOD!

Only hang-up I can link to footwear is when I believe that the style of the footwear 'makes my legs look chunky'.

Which may well be true- as regards whether they are ankle boots or flat trainers etc. That can give the illusion of a person being shorter or taller and having a different posture to another pair of shoes. I won't put certain footwear with certain clothing items for that reason. And people DO notice- they'll say 'Gosh, you're really short!' Which i'm not.



I like it when I see someone in footwear I wouldn't expect them to have on. I could explain that one further but feel it might be just a little to 'deep' really, when i'm delving into 'footwear pyschology'- and, I daresay, not neccessary! Xx