frustration-loved ones-arguements-Hmmmm...answer is?

Hey, I had a thought (again)...

Non-disordered eating people (does that even sound right?) who are 'under-weight' for example, like the people on that programme Supersize V Superskinny, they live 'normal' lives due to the fact that they aren't mentally unwell, with food issues.
So- if I'm beating the ED and constantly working at finding ways to help myself and make things good, stay well, does it really matter that i'm hovering about at the lower end of the ideal weight range, so long as I'm considered healthy and have no health problems relating to weight? Does it REALLY matter or is it more essential that my mind stays focused on keeping irrational ED dictations out of the picture?
I'm a little cross/ frustrated with someone, right now, a person in my life, who has made it clear they don't like that I have a few boney bits.....
Now, my arguement here, is this (was this, unfortunately and I HATE to argue about this subject):

Ok, I may have a few boney bits- and so???
Well, it's not very nice.
Sorry you don't like it, I'm at a healthy weight
But you look as though you aren't
What do you want me to do? Put some more weight on, even though i'm in the healthy range, just because you don't like my bony bits?
Yes
But that will cause a lot of anxiety, to try and gain some weight, when I've just managed to put in place a method of eating meals and snacks and including lots of different foods and keep my weight stable and feel happy and well and better than in years?
Yes, because you'd look a bit better
But no-one else seems to have a problem with the way I look and so what if they do? I see people who I believe to be 'too skinny' or 'too fat' and I don't have a problem with it, so long as they're happy with how they look. Why would I? AND, if I were concerned about a 'friend' as I thought they looked unwell, I would ask them how they are, if things are ok and how's it going... especially if I knew they'd been unwell in the past...
People aren't honest... no-one would say anything to you
Well, I can't control what other people do or think. It matters to me how I feel and how I know I am. Anyone who cares enough or who is close to me, those who matter, will not have a problem with the way I look, I already communicate with people around me about my insecurities about food and past ED history, a few people at work, my family and closest friend- by sharing this with them, it helps to keep me well- so the fact I'm quite open about my struggles means that they can ask me how i'm doing and not feel that they're being nosey
But you're too skinny....
I don't like you saying that- it's about more than that- I'm doing well, I'm not going to become ill and if I did, it's got nothing to do with the way I look now- I could be ten or eleven stone and deep into a cycle of binge eating/ vomiting/ abusing alcohol and severley depressed but would it be ok that I 'look' healthy- hey, I may even have 'fat' bits that you don't like...
I'd like them better than your bony bits...
But it's about my 'health' not the way I look- my physical and mental health- and I'm doing ok, I'm having the usual issues that I've always had, but I'm doing better than in along time...
But I think your too thin...

Can you see how this might have continued round in circles. It's hard as I need this person on my side- with me. Telling me how proud they are of me for making the decision to try and help myself, keeping the ED under control. To see the bigger picture and that the glass is half full here. One of the reasons I decided to start blogging was to record how things are going, get advice, give advice and to be honest with myself and share my progress & problems. Surely that's not the way a person who wants to let their eating disorder run away with their life would go about things?
I know loved ones find it difficult. But I do need them to listen to me and know that I will and do ask for help when I'm struggling and in the meantime, lets just enjoy ourselves.

The truth is out

I am caught in an far- more -than- usual erratic string of thoughts.
It has been this way for several days now.
It's not good or bad, just unsettling and means it's hard for me to write anything here.
Too many jumps in emotions. Or too quickly. Or both.

Ok- this is this the 'thing'. And I don't like to validate the way I feel emotionally to how I am physically but I know EXACTLY what my issue is now:
Currently, I'm around a body weight where i'm still 'healthy' but only just. And I mean from a medical proffesional chart type of thing. Were I to actually have a BMI calculated, it would be in the healthy range but a couple of pounds down would be too low.
I'm happy with how I feel, look, the way my clothes fit, the way I feel physically, the type- frequency and amount of food I consume, my social eating is going ok (it's better than in a long time)... So...
WHATS THE FUCKING PROBLEM?....

Surely this would be everything I need to just carry on living and flapping about with the every day stuff- work, needing to go buy make-up, have I called my mom in days????

Problem is: l'm not used to functioning normally at my current physical status.

There. I said it. And this is what it means:

Whenever I have gone rapidly downhill ED & depression wise, in the past, it has always been at around this stage. Now, this time it's different.
I'm the way I am now from cutting back on drinking alcohol all the bloody time.
I'm the way I am now from doing some exercise.
I'm the way I am now from eating a wide range of foods from all different food groups and not 'binging on protein' or 'getting stuffed on vegetables' or eating 20 diet yogurts in a day.
I'm the way I am now without being terribly depressed, out of control, abusing alcohol, hurting my family.
I am the way I am now and holding down my job, looking after my family, having fun and living a nice life.

I have linked, in my head, that being physically, as I am now, with being in a pretty bad Eating Disorder place.
And this is why my mood jumps are so frequent lately. When I'm at work or having fun or enjoying time with my family, I am the strong, confident happy person that is Sar. This is where I believe I am REALLY- deep down, I am still this Sar and NOT the 'ED' Sar.
When I'm tired or having a down day or out somewhere I don't want to be, I am hunched up, hands in sleeves, looking afraid and skinny and holding myself as I did deep in the ED- checking for 'bones', room in jeans, measuring arms with hands and portraying myself as though I would rather be invisible. But this isn't where I am mentally. I can just slip in and out of this, like a spoiled child, when it's all too much- an escape route, a trap door.

And I guess that last line sums it up. I'm in a very safe but very dangerous place. It's up to me to stay on the safe side as that is what I want for myself. But i'm close enough to the bad place that if 'need strikes', I'm within reach of the deadly crutch.

And maybe that is why I'm so far from full recovery but so far from being ill.

I posted here, a while ago, about this subject but couldn't put my finger on why I am stuck in this place. Now, it's quite clear.

I won't accept full recovery but won't allow myself to be ill.

And now I have some thinking to do. Input anyone?

Lastly and totally off subject...
I took this picture last week, before I came into work one morning. I was early and went for a wander...This church is at the back of where my office is and I hardley ever go over. It was so beautiful and peaceful, I wanted to freeze time and just stand there... it was perfect. And even my shitty camera phone managed to do it justice. ;)

3 posts in one- A lot going on in head today!!

Watched Supersize V Superskinny last night, on TV. I absoulutely love programmes of this nature; anything about mental health, dieting, nutrition, eat-this-eat-that-DON'T-eat that, man with extra feet- basically anything along those lines facinates me and is my 'entertainment'.

I use them to fuel my knowledge and understanding of the very subject that is slowly destroying me and eating (no punn intended) into my ever shortening life by taking up far too much time!! (thats not gloomy, I mean that life is too short and everyday, it gets shorter).

This particular programme is watched by me & my son while my hubby is out and has become like a Tuesday night regular (and I watch VERY little TV due to short attention span and little interest in anything that's not going to benefit me- sigh!)

Quite obviously, to me anyway, the people on this show are in 2 categories. The skinnies basically have no emotional attatchment to food, aren't really that interested in it and for one reason or another, have just grown up and not really managed to take in enough energy to sustain a healthy body weight and just need to re-learn how to eat enough. The overweight participants, on the other hand, seem to me to have deeper issues in which food has been used as a comfort or an escape from whatever that may be. Bordering on the 'COE' area, which is interesting.... although I'm guessing they were given a certain degree of pyschological grilling before being accepted to go on the show.

Anyways- what I was ACTUALLY wondering WAS: when the underweight lot go away after the show and carry on with their 'new diet plans', how does the same pattern of weight gain not occur in them as it does when recovering physically from Anorexia? In that, we have an un-even weight distribution and gain lots extra body fat due to muscle wasting and fucked up metabolisms.... physically a lot of them have the same body types where their BMI's are well below 17 and due to their poor eating habits, have probably fucked their metabolisms too....?

Any thoughts, any one?

Flesh grabbing and bone feeling- Just sharing my thoughts here....

Just need to stop doing this so much.... maybe cos I don't use scales- it's like a measure. But I think I get used to the way my body 'feels' and then, like now, I can't really tell what the point of me doing it is.... like- when I was mega ill I used to constantly grab my upper arm and if my fingers didn't join, that would have been dreadful!!!! And now- I wonder if it's just an ED habit? A 'thing' that I do out of anxiety, maybe? But it's just something I noticed I do a lot- with my trousers as well- see how much room there is left since I last wore them? But it doesn't actually mean much to me anymore, which I guess is good? Or does it not mean much because everything feels ok now? After a couple of years into 'full physical recovery' I still did this-constantly and HATED what I felt!! I hated flesh above my jeans, flesh on my arms- everywhere- I could have cried everyday at the sight and feel of all that flesh. And now I feel ok with how I am- now I've levelled out the weight thing and have got rid of the 'puppy' fat extra that physical recovery slapped onto random body bits. Now- what I feel is ok. This must be a good thing, it must mean that I'm content with looking how I do, not desiring to be any thinner, feeling good with having the body I've got. I think the biggest issue I have now is that I want to stay this way- which is healthy- but gaining ANY weight is still a massive NO NO. So, is that still a problem??? Conclusion to self: It isn't RIGHT but it's a long way off from being wrong.

Not booked to see my GP like I was going to
I think I feel like I'm just too busy right now... or that I should wait a while- but I can't get my head around what to wait for??? I sometimes worry about reactions I might get from other people, whoever it may be, and if it's not the response I'm looking for- then I wish I hadn't bothered- don't know if i'm making sense today AT ALL. I need a weekend break away from normal run of things to clear some repetitive patterns that may be hindering clear thoughts...

And finally- I'm doing the family a roast dinner tonight with the first-time-ever- that i'll have hand cooked and roasted potatoes!! So i'll post a couple of piccies of that later- just because....! Xx

Asking for help to keep up good work...

Why, when things are going good, and I'm proving to myself that I can do 'normal' things- like eating and drinking and staying happy with the way my clothes fit and my body image and getting on with doing everyday activities and living a wholesome, happy life- why why why after weeks of proving to myself that I can do it and it works and I don't have to be fucked up- do I still get the most massive anxiety attacks and overwhelming sense of unstability? Is it because I can't bear to just get on with it for fear that when it does go wrong, I won't be expecting it or be able to cope with it?
I THINK I NEED TO ADMIT TO MYSELF THAT i'M STRUGGLING TO DO THIS ON MY OWN NOW.
Which isn't a bad thing.... I need to get some guidlines outside of the 'personal' opinions, which is all I have to rely on the moment. What I need is someone to monitor my body weight from a clinical point of view and a Registered Dietician to see every couple of weeks to over see that I'm eating right, as I seem to be losing my focus amist all the 'trying to do it right this time' stuff.
If I have those 2 things, at least i'll have someone to answer my questions, my confusions- back up my thoughts and perceptions from a non-biased factual viewpoint. And maybe it's like passing a great majority of my anxieties over to them and admitting that 'yes, I'm finding it hard right now'.
I don't need a pyschiatrist or any of that stuff- hell, I know it's not right but I've come to terms with the fact that I have eating issues for WHATEVER reason, a vast variety of reasons but the cause of them won't cure me- I'm not even interested in working through the head stuff- it's black and white there- I have a massive huge fear of weight gain and after 15 or more years battling this, I'd like to say that it's preferable to me at this point in time to stay in a place where I can keep safe, keep well and continue my own patterns of recovery in the 'getting my head round it' department. I just need hardcore clinical assistance and the rest is up to me.

ED to full recovery -such a large space in between

I feel so tired lately, partly because we have been busy at home re-arranging all the bedrooms and building/ moving furniture pretty much non-stop all weekend. Also, wasn't well on last Friday with various ailments going on but I did manage to look after myself food wise, having my usual meal plan with snacks so that was ok.
I guess I just realise sometimes how the gap between a full blown eating disorder and full recovery is so so big.

On one hand, I think about the horror of anorexia and the constant starvation and tiredness and all the hell that came with that and lack of any sort of life and compare it to now- it is worlds apart.

And now, where life is so much more pleasent and I can go to work without a starved brain and do exercise and have fun with my family and eat out at restaurants, although it IS such a long, long way forward from the anorexia days, it is STILL sooooo far from actual recovery.



For example: I go to bed quite early, mainly due to 'routine' associated with my medication and also because it fits in with my structured day. And while this isn't wrong or destructive, it still limits my choices as regards 'Living'.



I don't like to see friends during week day nights as it wouldn't fit in with how I like to plan for evenings to be, again, partly because I work all day and then spend time doing homework with my son and all house-hold stuff and another quite big part because I like to have dinner, then some coffees and wash-up and have a set routine as to leading up to sleep time. And I guess this is because I know it keeps me safe and healthy and mentally level. But I think others around me would find this hard to comprehend as I think it can be black and white to everyone else. But the grey in-between seems more tiring and draining than the black part- if you get me??



When I do 'let go' a little, which I do at weekends and on the odd evening, it feels good- I feel free and happy and often very pleased that I have done something a bit different. But if I try and make it last for longer, it becomes overwhelming and I feel like my head becomes confused and anxiety levels raise so much that it brings about a surge of ED related behavior just to regain a grip on reality- which I know is a complete paradox in itself. I guess it scares me- a 'scared' that I can't change right now at this point. But why should I? I've done so well, why try and make it all better so fast? It's 100% better to be where I am now than very ill- yes? I just get so worn out thinking about it......



I'd be lying if I said that I don't still have issues with my clothes and their fit and the way I feel others see me. Having said that, I'm quite satisfied with the way I look at the moment. I can live with my body how it is now. Maybe I'm just scared again that somehow I'll lose control if I let go anymore from my structered recovery. Like, why would I ruin what I've got now, which is livable, just to try and get a bit further into recovery and maybe not cope and let it all go?

SIGH.... so many questions... and I have to find the answers in the end.... which I will, it can just get to be a big ole lonely place in my head!



Anyway, on a brighter note, I tried QUINOA last night. I'd never thought about using it before but came across an article while googling somethin' else. So, here's some piccies of my dinner (hubby & son didn't eat this, they were going out early eve so I did this for myself). Not the most exiting but here you go.



Boiled up 30g in water.







Added a slice of this tofutti cheese

Melted it into the cooked quinoa- yum!

And served it up with some chopped raw veggies & pumpkin seed oil & coriander & some raita dip.



Then I nibbled seeded bread with PB & CO Vanilla Heaven spread on it throughout rest of evening & drank loads coffee's.

Next time, I think I need to add a little more protein to my meal too. Was nice though, digested well. Bye for now. Xx

3 Years on, WHY am I STILL at this point???

I once said, more than once actually, 'Anorexia was hell..... recovering from it is F#*cking HELL' and, I meant it.

Nearly 3 years ago, just after my 30th birthday, I left in-patient treatment and f#*cked up. My weight plummeted and I became physically extremely unwell, again.

My issue right now is: what went wrong? What happened that has meant that the last 3 years, until recently, have been an ED hell, even after making a full PHYSICAL recovery. In fact- Christmas this year was about the best time, ED wise, I can honestly say there has been for about 5 years. I'd managed to get my weight back to where I was comfortable, after the un-even, unbalanced recovery gain of too much fat and not enough muscle- uneven distribution and a well buggered metabolism!!! (see Minnesota Starvation study- it's what happens)http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Minnesota_Starvation_Experiment

I consequently had to re-go through recovery at home with my family (husband and young son) and at the same time- carry on with normal life.... go to work, run the house, look after my son and his needs and carry on like usual, regardless of the unbearable struggle to come to terms with having to re-gain a lot of body mass. This is where the 'Escapism' kicked in- BIG TIME.

It seemed like a big black tunnel ahead. I'd not got my head into 'true recovery'.... I should have stayed at the hospital a lot longer in order to come round to that but chose to leave.

I knew I had NO choice but do what everyone wanted and EAT or risk losing everything I'd got. So I ate.... I let them feed me, I ate what they wanted me to. I drank alcohol- it fitted in with our 'normal' life of going out at the weekend and having fun and drinking with friends-LOTS of drinking and partying on Saturday nights, while my son is at his Dads for the weekend. I smiled, I went to work, I ate, life went on, I binged, I vomited, I drank and vomited late at night in despair when the pain of holding it all in became too much, I gained back weight, I looked more normal, LIFE WENT ON. And I was so terribly unhappy.

And the more 'healthy looking' I became, the more people around me assumed I was doing really good.

"Hey Sar, you're looking really well... how are you?"



"Um, yeah..ok... not actually too good- this is real hard and painful but, yeah...."



"Well you're LOOKING really well- keep it up"

YES... I WILL.... and I'll keep the pain all inside and not let anyone down because I can eat till i'm blue in the face and the monster inside that causes my ED hell will continue to stay there, sniggering at me for going with the flow and trying to eat him away when it doesn't matter whether I'm emaciated or obese- he'll still be down there, somewhere.

Life became pretty erratic, life at home was really quite unpredictable and dangerous and none of us was happy. I made friends outside of our social circle and detatched myself from 'home life' as much as I could....We had a few good days, then a terrible weekend, then maybe one really good weekend we fighted, we screamed at each other, I'd go on drunken food binges and vomit, and worst of all- I had these episodes where I would just suddenly 'click'... lose all control and let rip to the point of physical violence- this WASN'T the alcohol talking- this was the suppressed ED which occasionally the anger would build up from it to the point of overload on a scale too big for me to deal with-usually late at night after we'd been out on another 'mad' weekend and had what would have been 'fun' with friends. And I could NEVER tell when it would happen. It was almost certainly alcohol related, as these thing usually are- I even tried to blame the alcohol for it and say that maybe I had an addiction to that...? But I sat analysing and trying out new ways of living and it became all too clear that the root of EVERY DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR came from the ED.

No-one got it.

Only me and my husband knew the awful hell that was still going on and all our friends, with whom we socialised just saw the 'old Sar' - looking healthy- smiling- out enjoying life- drinking and frolicking about- just like before......

This carried on until November 2008, what.. 4 months ago now.

After one particularly bad drunken ED fuelled rage, I finally realised that I COULD NOT carry on with it. I decided there and then to get a 'Plan of Action' firmly into place.

I cut completely back on all alcohol, only to give myself head-space and actually experience the bad feelings ED was still doing to me. I didn't drink when we went out and I went home early and felt the anger but woke up feeling stronger. I battled it and challenged it and fought through to sort out the 'real' feelings and can say that it was the best thing I could have done. By Christmas time, I'd managed to implement a nice, happy, tranquil way of living, with sensible, if still ED controlled, meal plans. My weight settled back down to where I feel happy (although others expressed concern that I maybe started to look a little thin, I KNOW from my clothing etc that I'm still within healthy) and life is far more qualitive than has been for years.



And I guess this is where my whole blog actually starts.

I started to read other blogs, some of which are added to my blog list and started to get ideas for staying well and actually enjoying the process of staying well. I realise that I'm at a point where weight loss is not an option to stay well but I'm well enough to start enjoying eating good food and challenging the ED behaviors, which, so far, what this blog has been about!!!! And what it will continue to be about.

I have lost a few 'friends' over this new-found way of recovering properly, the way I should have let myself recover from the start- but if they can't understand my reasons for temporarily (or however long it takes) stopping the all-night drinking and 'fun'stuff for the good of finding a level way of living, then I really cannot make room for them in my life right now. Yes, I would like to have lots of fun doing those things again but right now, there's more important things to sort out to ensure a long-term decent lifestyle. And i'm in no rush- I just want to get it right this time.

And it's hard, and ED's suck and wreck lives but i'm NEVER giving up fighting it, I'm too worth it for that.