I've let myself down over an ED issue

*This post mentions a few ED behaviors that may not be suitable to read if you're having a bad day ED wise. I'm sharing here as regards what I'm going to do about it now, to put it right and not let it happen again*

So, I fucked up last night and this morning with my stupid ED mindset worming it's way into my head and messing up a situation which I should have known better than to let happen- aarrrgghhh!

What happened? It started when I decided to do a 30 min skipping stint with my weighted rope when I got in from work- purely because I'd done nothing all week but sit and work at my desk and I felt like a bit of a 'shake-up', get some serotonin flowing... and it was good stuff, i felt enlivened and awoken and so I got a shower and started to prepare dinner for myself and my family. Then, whilst I was cooking and messing about in the kitchen, I decided to have a can of my favourite alcoholic drink- KOPPARBERG CIDER.

Now, I've discussed this before on here (see CHALLENGE UPDATE: Alcohol + food) and it should not have instigated a problem. And without going on too much about it, it seems I still have a 'bit of an issue' with this alcohol- during -midweek stuff.

It's like it has to be a treat, or something that I keep for the weekends only. And I need to get that dealt with in my head. I'd been doing really good with it and somehow, last night, I managed to twist it up and make a bit of a mess of today to boot. But i'm *trying* to put it right.

I ended up binning the potato off my dinner plate last night and then not having my hot chocolate drink before bed, in way of compensation for the can of cider (I actually had a can and a half in the end). I then planned that next morning I would just have brekkie as normal and it would all be ok again. BUT- when I did get up, I had slept later than normal, (probably because I had had the cider!!) AND THEN, while I was making my sandwiches to take for lunch, my husband made a comment about me using my teaspoon measure for the peanut butter I was putting onto the bread. I kinda lost it, I use the spoon measure as I usually under-estimate the quantity to use and I like to ensure that I have my full portion size. There was a time when I used the measure spoon for purpose of restriction and what I was cross about is that all that stuff was a long time ago and he should have been more tactful in the way he went about asking why I was using it. I guess he's not to know what the hell was going on my head so I did massively over-react- so then I ended up with a half-assed sarnie that I crumpled up in the foil to get it out of my way and it went in the bin before I left for work as I was upset. And I left the house with no breakfast inside me. Stupid girl.

So, then i'm at work, with a TREK bar for my a.m. snack and some oats & bran & PB & rice milk mixture with chopped fruits, that was going to be my breakfast.

So, I ate my TREK bar as usual and then ate the cereal mix & fruit for lunch and bought a bottle of Alpro Soya chocolate milk to go with it. Exept that I have only had half the bottle of milk and am saving the other half for my pm snack with a babybel because I'm feeling a bit full. And i'm now sat asking myself "At what point are you just going to jump back into reality and carry on with the really good work that you've been doing so well at over the last few weeks?"
The answer I'm looking for is "Right now".
I need to have my usual pm snack, as usual and carry on as I do any other day. It's that easy, isn't it? I have no reason to do continue being so unfair to myself. I blowing this out of all proportion and even as I'm typing, I'm realising how much stronger I am than this. I'm now going to focus on the rest of my day and enjoy it.

Having a couple of drinks wasn't bad or wrong and I know that. ED is a f**cker and doesn't want me to have anything nice to look forward to or to enjoy and is laughing at me now, flapping over it hours and hours later. So, I need to re-read the post on challenging alcohol and re-inforce exactly why I don't need to have episodes where ED is in control.

UPDATE:

Back in now and- just added this pic-the rest of my Alpro Soya Milk w, ice & babybel- I'm sat havin this now and am feeling HAPPY again! Xx

Oh, soooo tired but REALLY trying, yes I am!!

I Found that peanut butter, the White Chocolate Wonderful.... they've re-named it Vanilla Heaven and I've ordered a load of it off of a website who supply UK with American goodies (http://www.americansweets.co.uk/)

- not to say that my own creation isn't ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL!!! I have it daily and even got my son, Max (who claims to disklike PB) eating it from the jar with a spoon!!



As regards me, I don't really know how I feel right now. Do you ever wish that you could hold on to a 'feeling' or a way of living, forever? Like, when you've had a really good, positive week and feel so in-control and free at same time???? Let me try and explain.... a couple of weeks ago, when I started this blog, I'd set myself some goals and aims for getting it all together, ED wise. And I'm doing really good. Just my health is proper going down-hill and I'm not entirely sure why.....?



I know, deep down, that years of abuse via Eating Disorders, is most probably to blame for a lot of the health problems I'm having now. Also, the fact that i'm nearly 33, not 23 anymore means I prob can't keep 'getting away with it'-It seems almost a little ironic that the first time I've actually got somewhere with sorting this ED from it's roots and trying to do it all in little steps and do it right, is the first time now that I'm having medical implications that it's caused.

Yes, I've had digestive trouble and dental problems and circulation irregularities but it's all been stuff that I can put right or at least, make better.

The scary on it now is irreversible complications that may have worsened and be starting to affect me physically; I just feel so unwell generally. I'm hoping that a minor case of iron deficiency can be blamed for it but I'll see when I get my bloods back tommorow and take it from there. It's easy to imagine the worst possible out-comes- i'm an expert in that!!



So... what am I eating then? Just for fun, I like to share!



I'm doing the All-bran, soya milk & chopped Kiwi for my brekkie, right now. I tried for a week or so, not portioning it out i.e. random cereal & milk amounts but I found I was probably under-estimating a little on a proper size, so I've begun to measure it, just until I can comfortably do it with no second thought (I don't liked doing this but for now it ensures I get my full portion, no anxiety)



I always have my Trek bar mid-morning- it lasts for about half-hour and is truly fantastic. I could eat thse for every meal (I know that's wrong and I WOULDN'T!). I also got my Larabars by post delivery the other day, in a variety of yummy flavours, so i'll be swapping some Trek days for Larabars.



Lunch is ALWAYS a sarnie....... cashew nut butter and marmite and white cabbage OR white choc PB & cabbage (that's sooooo yummy, honestly- try it). I WAS having a glass of soya milk with that but I haven't brought it to work with me last couple of days- I guess I need to get back to making sure I do that, only a little thing but very important to me on a pyschological level.



Afternoons- usually an apple & babybel lite cheese and a few cups of coffee with Hazelnut+ Almond Rice Milk. Or, if I feel I need it- another bar or a small cereal & soya milk.

And dinner is dinner. I feel like I'm doing really well with the flexibility on this meal. My family are lovin that I will eat pizza with them and cook curry or spaghetti and stuff that I never bothered with before. So that's good.... Again, my portions should maybe be a little bigger but I just can't fit it in right now- maybe I have to look at that once I know whats goin on with my body, after tommorow's results. I feel like I'm making excuses, waiting for these tests to come back but it's worrying me greatly right now and I guess I just don't want the extra anxiety until I know what I'm dealing with. And, I'm just SOOOOO tired. But I will be fine and will carry on with the good stuff- the good thoughts- the happy-positive- I'm not going to be beaten thoughts- always. X

White-choc-PB RE-VISITED!!!!!

Ok, so I JUST CAN'T get that White Choc Wonderful here in the UK so I tried to re-create it last week- problem is, I think, I heated it up to mix it together (the PB & White choc spread). It kinda burnt......!! So, this morning I re-did it with some PB & Co Smooth stuff that I found in Tesco (wow! they do have some good imports but not enough!!

AND.... I think it just may have been successful.























I started with these 2 lovelies above........................

And chucked them in my blender- there was loads of oil on top of the PB that had seperated so I knew it would mix together pretty good! I blended them all up and could smell the beautiful aroma of both white choc and PB- ahhhhh!

I washed out my 2 jars with hot water n kitchen-roll dried them. It mixed beautifully and it kinda 'peeled' away from the plastic bowl without any sticky mess!! No waste!! Yea!

Ok, so pic not too good here- I had buttery fingers- but I re-filled and labelled my jars and stuck em in the fridge. I think I will keep one jar in there to 'keep' and the other in my cupboard so it's at room temp for optimum spreading and melting!

I already made my lunch sandwiches today and SOOOO wanted to use this on them instead.... And I'd just finished breakfast (sad face!) But..... I may swap my mid-morning TREK bar for an apple n dip of this..... Yes, that's a good idea. BTW... for my lunch I always have a sandwich during the working week, which is usually chopped white cabbage with either: cashew nut butter & marmite OR hoummous OR fruit butter spread & turkey BUT ALWAYS with white cabbage. It goes with anything and crunchies up my sarnie and, being bland in flavour- it just 'works'.

WELL, THAT WAS THIS MORNINGS EARLY FUN (8AM!!)

Gotta go for now, but will be back later to rant about my day!

XX