ED Voice shut up shut up shut up....!!

Just a quick one here- I actually want to write about the 'B' word (and the 'P' word that usually goes with that- i'm sure if you understand my B & P abbreviations you'll know what I'm on about??!! ) BUT, I'm saving that for when I can find a way to get across what I need to.
So, I've had:

• A sliced apple with tbsp Vanilla Heaven PB
• Coco Loco Nakd Bar
• Hummus, spinach & white cabbage sandwich on wholewheat
• Some strawberries

Reason I just posted this is because I've spent the last couple of hours thinking about if I've ate too much or not enough and battling in my head if I should add up the 'numbers'- you know- the C word....! And I've managed to ask myself 'what's going on here?'

I feel nourished and fed and not by any means stuffed- I've had my meals and snacks, as planned and the food choices I've made are balanced and healthy- so why would I need to add up any sort of numbers and ruin it??? 'What is THAT all about, hey Sar....?'

Ok- I'm glad I asked myself that cos this is what its about...

I haven't done any planned exercise for over a week now, that is, my exercise bike or skipping rope work-outs that I do at home sometimes. And much as I've made a deal with myself that I will only do them as part of a healthy lifestyle, I guess the ED side of things throws another light on it when I'm caught off guard. And the other 'trigger' has been the weekend events, eating maybe more stuff that's not in my meal plan and having a couple of extra drinks (alcohol) than I planned. But I need to re-inforce to myself that I have in no way done anything that warrants me trotting down the ED path to try and punish myself for LIVING a little.

I have all these fears, including waking up one morning and not being able to pull my jeans up my legs anymore or grabbing pounds of flesh that has manifested on me in the night... and much as I know this is ridiculous, I have to keep repeating the FACTS in my head- the straight forward factual facts as regards needing to considerably overeat for longer than 1 day to lay down extra lb's and that 1 extra pint of cider or an small size dessert or Larabar for a couple of days, ISN't going to turn me into some supersize. It doesn't happen like that.... And then there is the thoughts that go like 'Well, I'm different.... my metabolism is screwy'

NO SAR- it WAS screwy- during the recovery process 3 years ago, it was fucked. Fucked until about 6 months ago when it finally levelled out again. That's 2 and a half years of shit, recovering from an illness that you're hovering on if you keep making it a problem to eat a bit extra or drink a bit extra or SIT AND COUNT THE AMOUNT OF CALORIES YOU'VE EATEN SO FAR TODAY.

So..... I'm going to get a cup of coffee, take an apple, a babybel and an Alpro yogurt, and get on with day and enjoy the fact that I'm strong enough to fight the ED voice today. Xx

I've let myself down over an ED issue

*This post mentions a few ED behaviors that may not be suitable to read if you're having a bad day ED wise. I'm sharing here as regards what I'm going to do about it now, to put it right and not let it happen again*

So, I fucked up last night and this morning with my stupid ED mindset worming it's way into my head and messing up a situation which I should have known better than to let happen- aarrrgghhh!

What happened? It started when I decided to do a 30 min skipping stint with my weighted rope when I got in from work- purely because I'd done nothing all week but sit and work at my desk and I felt like a bit of a 'shake-up', get some serotonin flowing... and it was good stuff, i felt enlivened and awoken and so I got a shower and started to prepare dinner for myself and my family. Then, whilst I was cooking and messing about in the kitchen, I decided to have a can of my favourite alcoholic drink- KOPPARBERG CIDER.

Now, I've discussed this before on here (see CHALLENGE UPDATE: Alcohol + food) and it should not have instigated a problem. And without going on too much about it, it seems I still have a 'bit of an issue' with this alcohol- during -midweek stuff.

It's like it has to be a treat, or something that I keep for the weekends only. And I need to get that dealt with in my head. I'd been doing really good with it and somehow, last night, I managed to twist it up and make a bit of a mess of today to boot. But i'm *trying* to put it right.

I ended up binning the potato off my dinner plate last night and then not having my hot chocolate drink before bed, in way of compensation for the can of cider (I actually had a can and a half in the end). I then planned that next morning I would just have brekkie as normal and it would all be ok again. BUT- when I did get up, I had slept later than normal, (probably because I had had the cider!!) AND THEN, while I was making my sandwiches to take for lunch, my husband made a comment about me using my teaspoon measure for the peanut butter I was putting onto the bread. I kinda lost it, I use the spoon measure as I usually under-estimate the quantity to use and I like to ensure that I have my full portion size. There was a time when I used the measure spoon for purpose of restriction and what I was cross about is that all that stuff was a long time ago and he should have been more tactful in the way he went about asking why I was using it. I guess he's not to know what the hell was going on my head so I did massively over-react- so then I ended up with a half-assed sarnie that I crumpled up in the foil to get it out of my way and it went in the bin before I left for work as I was upset. And I left the house with no breakfast inside me. Stupid girl.

So, then i'm at work, with a TREK bar for my a.m. snack and some oats & bran & PB & rice milk mixture with chopped fruits, that was going to be my breakfast.

So, I ate my TREK bar as usual and then ate the cereal mix & fruit for lunch and bought a bottle of Alpro Soya chocolate milk to go with it. Exept that I have only had half the bottle of milk and am saving the other half for my pm snack with a babybel because I'm feeling a bit full. And i'm now sat asking myself "At what point are you just going to jump back into reality and carry on with the really good work that you've been doing so well at over the last few weeks?"
The answer I'm looking for is "Right now".
I need to have my usual pm snack, as usual and carry on as I do any other day. It's that easy, isn't it? I have no reason to do continue being so unfair to myself. I blowing this out of all proportion and even as I'm typing, I'm realising how much stronger I am than this. I'm now going to focus on the rest of my day and enjoy it.

Having a couple of drinks wasn't bad or wrong and I know that. ED is a f**cker and doesn't want me to have anything nice to look forward to or to enjoy and is laughing at me now, flapping over it hours and hours later. So, I need to re-read the post on challenging alcohol and re-inforce exactly why I don't need to have episodes where ED is in control.

UPDATE:

Back in now and- just added this pic-the rest of my Alpro Soya Milk w, ice & babybel- I'm sat havin this now and am feeling HAPPY again! Xx