frustration-loved ones-arguements-Hmmmm...answer is?

Hey, I had a thought (again)...

Non-disordered eating people (does that even sound right?) who are 'under-weight' for example, like the people on that programme Supersize V Superskinny, they live 'normal' lives due to the fact that they aren't mentally unwell, with food issues.
So- if I'm beating the ED and constantly working at finding ways to help myself and make things good, stay well, does it really matter that i'm hovering about at the lower end of the ideal weight range, so long as I'm considered healthy and have no health problems relating to weight? Does it REALLY matter or is it more essential that my mind stays focused on keeping irrational ED dictations out of the picture?
I'm a little cross/ frustrated with someone, right now, a person in my life, who has made it clear they don't like that I have a few boney bits.....
Now, my arguement here, is this (was this, unfortunately and I HATE to argue about this subject):

Ok, I may have a few boney bits- and so???
Well, it's not very nice.
Sorry you don't like it, I'm at a healthy weight
But you look as though you aren't
What do you want me to do? Put some more weight on, even though i'm in the healthy range, just because you don't like my bony bits?
Yes
But that will cause a lot of anxiety, to try and gain some weight, when I've just managed to put in place a method of eating meals and snacks and including lots of different foods and keep my weight stable and feel happy and well and better than in years?
Yes, because you'd look a bit better
But no-one else seems to have a problem with the way I look and so what if they do? I see people who I believe to be 'too skinny' or 'too fat' and I don't have a problem with it, so long as they're happy with how they look. Why would I? AND, if I were concerned about a 'friend' as I thought they looked unwell, I would ask them how they are, if things are ok and how's it going... especially if I knew they'd been unwell in the past...
People aren't honest... no-one would say anything to you
Well, I can't control what other people do or think. It matters to me how I feel and how I know I am. Anyone who cares enough or who is close to me, those who matter, will not have a problem with the way I look, I already communicate with people around me about my insecurities about food and past ED history, a few people at work, my family and closest friend- by sharing this with them, it helps to keep me well- so the fact I'm quite open about my struggles means that they can ask me how i'm doing and not feel that they're being nosey
But you're too skinny....
I don't like you saying that- it's about more than that- I'm doing well, I'm not going to become ill and if I did, it's got nothing to do with the way I look now- I could be ten or eleven stone and deep into a cycle of binge eating/ vomiting/ abusing alcohol and severley depressed but would it be ok that I 'look' healthy- hey, I may even have 'fat' bits that you don't like...
I'd like them better than your bony bits...
But it's about my 'health' not the way I look- my physical and mental health- and I'm doing ok, I'm having the usual issues that I've always had, but I'm doing better than in along time...
But I think your too thin...

Can you see how this might have continued round in circles. It's hard as I need this person on my side- with me. Telling me how proud they are of me for making the decision to try and help myself, keeping the ED under control. To see the bigger picture and that the glass is half full here. One of the reasons I decided to start blogging was to record how things are going, get advice, give advice and to be honest with myself and share my progress & problems. Surely that's not the way a person who wants to let their eating disorder run away with their life would go about things?
I know loved ones find it difficult. But I do need them to listen to me and know that I will and do ask for help when I'm struggling and in the meantime, lets just enjoy ourselves.

Asking for help to keep up good work...

Why, when things are going good, and I'm proving to myself that I can do 'normal' things- like eating and drinking and staying happy with the way my clothes fit and my body image and getting on with doing everyday activities and living a wholesome, happy life- why why why after weeks of proving to myself that I can do it and it works and I don't have to be fucked up- do I still get the most massive anxiety attacks and overwhelming sense of unstability? Is it because I can't bear to just get on with it for fear that when it does go wrong, I won't be expecting it or be able to cope with it?
I THINK I NEED TO ADMIT TO MYSELF THAT i'M STRUGGLING TO DO THIS ON MY OWN NOW.
Which isn't a bad thing.... I need to get some guidlines outside of the 'personal' opinions, which is all I have to rely on the moment. What I need is someone to monitor my body weight from a clinical point of view and a Registered Dietician to see every couple of weeks to over see that I'm eating right, as I seem to be losing my focus amist all the 'trying to do it right this time' stuff.
If I have those 2 things, at least i'll have someone to answer my questions, my confusions- back up my thoughts and perceptions from a non-biased factual viewpoint. And maybe it's like passing a great majority of my anxieties over to them and admitting that 'yes, I'm finding it hard right now'.
I don't need a pyschiatrist or any of that stuff- hell, I know it's not right but I've come to terms with the fact that I have eating issues for WHATEVER reason, a vast variety of reasons but the cause of them won't cure me- I'm not even interested in working through the head stuff- it's black and white there- I have a massive huge fear of weight gain and after 15 or more years battling this, I'd like to say that it's preferable to me at this point in time to stay in a place where I can keep safe, keep well and continue my own patterns of recovery in the 'getting my head round it' department. I just need hardcore clinical assistance and the rest is up to me.

Explaining yourself based on BMI/ Weight

This is a bit of a rant but terribly frustrating, I feel I just need to shout very loudly and somehow make somebody listen.

Here's how it is:

Right now, I'm having a few physical problems with different ailments but I'm trying my best to look after myself and seem to be, overall, doing ok.

I 'm doing my meal plans and eating a wide range of foods, from all food groups and although it's sometimes very hard, and ED will poke it's ugly head in (whats new?),I'm managing it all better than I have in a long, long time. And when ED issues come up- I try to rationilize them, deal with it, make it better and learn from it, which I've never had the strength to try and do before.


Problem is this: because I have dropped a few pounds (I don't have scales BTW, just clothes to go by) there are a few people starting to notice and question my health in relation to the ED. Some of them are people very close to me, whom care about me and are concerned and some are village gossips who love nothing better than to find a 'scandel' or something amiss to fill their sad little lives with the business of others rather than deal with their own sh*t.

However, regardless of who they are and the reason for their concern, ONE THING that winds me up the most is this- mentally, I am far stronger, far more stable and far happier and content with my life RIGHT NOW than I have been for the last 4 years, despite being at a bit lower weight than I have been BUT am definately not underweight in a cause for concern type way. And -over the last 18 months, where I have been at a weight a little over 'ideal', I have been in an ED hell which has caused the most horrendous personal problems relating to alcohol, aggression, binge eating & vomiting, depression and many other mental disorders, all based around the fact that I had recovered physically, but definately NOT MENTALLY.

Yet, no-one really understood, if they knew at all, which most didn't. I covered it well so as not to draw attention to myself, having been hospitalized a year previous, I had to be seen to be well and hold down a life.

People would make comments constantly on how well they thought I was doing and all that and I just wanted to cry and scream at them and tell them that the hell going on in my head was far worse than at any other time and I just couldn't deal with it. But it didn't matter- because I looked well, so I should just be thankful for that. Human nature, I guess..... sigh

And now, it's like the opposite way round- where I may not 'look' terribly well BUT definately don't need anyone fussing as I'm doing ok ED wise, (which is the demon in my life) and feeling pretty damn good.

I just wish there had been as much support on offer when I actually needed it, when I was at breaking point several times over the last year- and not really now when life is pretty good on a personal, mental health level.

I guess I'm just ranting on as it seems so so so unfair that now I'm feeling happy and levelled out, it can't be accepted by others as all they seem to want is to see 'a bit of colour in my cheeks' and 'a bit more flesh on my bones'

RANT OVER. Just needed to vent a little. I know it's only cos they care. I just sometimes need to get it out so that I don't have to keep toying with it in my head. Kind of, get it out and move on.
Have a good day peeps. Xx