It's wearing me out, battering the life out of me, a little more each day. I wake up weaker, find it in me to be srtonger then end the day feeling like I've been sucked a little drier.
Last night was bad.
Just the sight of the food they'd cooked me, pathetically sat there- the 4 oven chips, 2 limp undercooked vege fingers and what looked like a mountain of sweetcorn & peas on my less-than-dinner-sized plate, boiled an anger and rage within me that I thought I would tear my own limbs from my body before even being able to sit down at the informal breakfast bar evening meal location, in my own messy kitchen with Kerrang Radio blarrin' out in the background.
I actually believed there and then, I would slip into a coma of anger and despair the second I picked up a forkfull.
I will spare the detail of the next painful half hour where the thing that saddens me most was my son leaving the kitchen with a nervous smile and jokey over-tones in his comments that he was gonna go watch some TV or somethin' and leave me & hubby to 'bickle at each other' or words to that effect.
I manged half of that meal, washed down with soda & polite sips of Ameretto over ice.
Then the pain set in for real.
Hubby got my meds, far earlier than usual, cancelled the regular Monday night supermarket run (which I don't go along to anymore) and sat with me while I was shaking, crying and totally overwhelmed with what just happened.
It all came out.... I explained over and over that the evil that is in me, isn't an eating disorder- it's a raging evil that is coped-with with the ED.
It is coped with by starving.
It is coped with by drinking (sometimes), by shopping, by going to work everyday and putting 110% into my job.
When i'm a normal to above normal body mass, it is coped with by all the above, including bouts of self-harm out of frustration, by over-partying- I could go on but the point is, as I explained to him- I simply have to 'cope' in some way because this evil- this goddamn evil inside me NEVER goes away, no matter how well I look, how well I functon, how well I convince myself and the world that I'm ok.
And that's why I feel like I have lost the fight again.
Nothing ever changes. Years go by and I hope I am ok (I know i'm not). Less help becomes available because I never get 'cured' and no-one can ever find a way to help me for good. So I get through on the basis that I 'look' ok and function.
I can't do that anymore..... the thought (the thought i've had for too long now) that I could spend the rest of my life fighting this, depresses more than I can deal with anymore.
And although lack of food, is NOT the answer, it is the only thing right now that can dampen the pain. As hubby told me 'then they'll blame you feeling this way on the anorexia and treat you for that and not help you with the 'evil' you keep on about'
I know what he means.
But right now, I just don't know what to do next.
Appointment with new therapist on Thursday.
Someone out there must know something..... MUST know a way out. Please share with me. Please help me.
I'm not mad. But i'm getting there.
Showing posts with label ED Hell. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ED Hell. Show all posts
Tuesday, 8 December 2009
Tuesday, 21 April 2009
What's their problems with 'AGE & BIRTHDAYS??'
This is something that I would put down as one of my biggest bug-bears!
I actually find myself boiling up over this and yet, people poking fun at each other for being 'nearly 40' 'or 'getting too old' or 'another year down the pan' is all I hear whenever one of our friends has a birthday. AAARRGGHH!!
Maybe I am just being a litte too deep over this. I guess due to the lifestyle I have and have had, partially due to choice, partially down to ED, I believe I have had my fair share of luck in a many ways, as regards my health and illness and for that, I am VERY grateful!! Yes, the ED curse has shaped and affected and grey-tinted my world and the way I live and, is going to be a continuous battle in order to stay well BUT for everything else on the health front, I need to realise that I AM someone, who has not incurred serious illness or disability during my life so far.
I have done some terrible things to myself, as a result of mental ill-health. I have put my body under enormous stress and I have experienced some dreadful mental illnesses and my family have had to deal with all that too. But I am still here.
It's my 33rd birthday on Saturday and I, like every year, am thankful and delighted that I am alive and (touch wood) healthy.
Why would I groan or complain that I have reached another birthday? Would I have rather been one of the unfortunate who lost their life during this passed year? No. Would I have rather died and not been able to carry on living and being with my family? No. Is there things I still want to do in life, places I want to see? Do I want to watch my son grow up and be there for him? Do I want to be a granny with tattoos? Yes. Do I want to hide my husbands false teeth while he's asleep for a laugh? Yes. Do I want to be retired and sit in the garden sipping wine, havin a fag, chatting up the 'young gardener lad' ? YES!
Ok, none of us want to experience age-related illnesses and losing our memories or having any of the problems that can occur as a result of 'getting old'.
But those things don't always happen.
Just like when we're young or middle aged. Some people die, maybe they were a friend or a family member. Maybe someone who lived next door, someone at work, someone you used to go to school with, the young lady who worked on the ciggie counter in Tesco... maybe they were in a tragic accident... contracted cancer, had an un-detected heart condition... whatever it was, however old they were, 12, 21, 51.... they aren't here NOW and won't be here again- and that makes me sad. And makes me wonder why it's such a joke to be another year older, when to me, it's an honor.
Sorry if this offends anyone... It's something I have very strong feelings about... as you now know. Xx
I actually find myself boiling up over this and yet, people poking fun at each other for being 'nearly 40' 'or 'getting too old' or 'another year down the pan' is all I hear whenever one of our friends has a birthday. AAARRGGHH!!
Maybe I am just being a litte too deep over this. I guess due to the lifestyle I have and have had, partially due to choice, partially down to ED, I believe I have had my fair share of luck in a many ways, as regards my health and illness and for that, I am VERY grateful!! Yes, the ED curse has shaped and affected and grey-tinted my world and the way I live and, is going to be a continuous battle in order to stay well BUT for everything else on the health front, I need to realise that I AM someone, who has not incurred serious illness or disability during my life so far.
I have done some terrible things to myself, as a result of mental ill-health. I have put my body under enormous stress and I have experienced some dreadful mental illnesses and my family have had to deal with all that too. But I am still here.
It's my 33rd birthday on Saturday and I, like every year, am thankful and delighted that I am alive and (touch wood) healthy.
Why would I groan or complain that I have reached another birthday? Would I have rather been one of the unfortunate who lost their life during this passed year? No. Would I have rather died and not been able to carry on living and being with my family? No. Is there things I still want to do in life, places I want to see? Do I want to watch my son grow up and be there for him? Do I want to be a granny with tattoos? Yes. Do I want to hide my husbands false teeth while he's asleep for a laugh? Yes. Do I want to be retired and sit in the garden sipping wine, havin a fag, chatting up the 'young gardener lad' ? YES!
Ok, none of us want to experience age-related illnesses and losing our memories or having any of the problems that can occur as a result of 'getting old'.
But those things don't always happen.
Just like when we're young or middle aged. Some people die, maybe they were a friend or a family member. Maybe someone who lived next door, someone at work, someone you used to go to school with, the young lady who worked on the ciggie counter in Tesco... maybe they were in a tragic accident... contracted cancer, had an un-detected heart condition... whatever it was, however old they were, 12, 21, 51.... they aren't here NOW and won't be here again- and that makes me sad. And makes me wonder why it's such a joke to be another year older, when to me, it's an honor.
Sorry if this offends anyone... It's something I have very strong feelings about... as you now know. Xx
Thursday, 26 March 2009
The B word & P word
WARNING: POTENTIAL TO OFFEND/ UPSET (unintentionally)
*Parts of this post are truly graphic and may be disturbing to read. I talk frankly about some occurrences that took place when I suffered from Bulimia Nervosa 14 years ago. Please do not read if you may be uncomfortable with the behaviours that go along with this illness, I do not mean any offence or upset to anyone at all*
I wanted to share this as it's something that I experienced during my early ED days that was far worse to me personally, than any of the current ED stuff I battle with. I noticed, when reading through a few blogs out there, how much I can relate to the struggles and sheer hell of Bulimia, even though now, thank God, I got through the worst of that particular avenue of ED.
I find it particularly uncomfortable to talk about this, one of the main reasons being the guilt and disgust I felt toward myself when I engaged in this behaviour (it was FAR beyond my control so maybe 'behavior' isn't the right word here), the total lack of other peoples understanding of 'why one would do this to oneself 'and the utter lack of control that goes along with it- in fact- to me- I have never been so un-in control ever of anything than the way I was when I was 17 and suffered from Bulimia.
To briefly let you know the picture- my main issues now and for the past several years, have been with anorexia and under-eating or restrictive eating, with occasional bursts of purging while restricting.
(Very occasionally, out & out binges followed by purging, usually alcohol related and usually late at night and usually- a one off.)
I was hospitalized as a teenager twice within the same year, first for re-feeding/ anorexia treatment and then several months later, for full blown Bulimia Nervosa.
When I say full-blown, I MEAN full blown. I’m talking from morning til night bingeing (not just at mealtimes) and purging, several times a day-EVERY DAY. Using all the money I could find to spend on binge food, including draining my bank accounts, all my wages, unable to hold down a job for very long, alcohol abuse, suicide attempts, self-harm, severe depression, burst blood vessels in my eye, vomiting into bags in my room for fear of being caught (I lived at home with my parents), vomiting into anything- anywhere. It was worse than hell and the suicide attempts were real- I couldn’t stop this illness- even from fear of instant death due to the physical strain but I couldn’t bear to live with it and had no way out due to the intense fear of being fat.
I won’t drag on with this- it hit an all time rock-bottom at that point and I DID come through it enough to get back to living safely, and although still heavily ED loaded, I was through the other side of the B word hell cycle.
The events that followed over the next ten years were, all in all, positive and exiting and enabled me to end up, in a very roundabout long long story sort of way, married with a son.
This post was also sparked off in relation to something my husband said to me. As I mentioned before, the return of the full-on ED a few years ago (when I went back to hospital for treatment) is based around restriction and the anorexia issues and not really much involvement as regards Bulimia.
However, I mentioned to him last week, when we were discussing the last couple of years in relation to ED & recovery, that there had been a few incidents where I had purged food or blatantly binged, especially late at night when we’d been out drinking and then gone to the chip shop at 3am blah blah ….. and he was shocked… and hurt that he didn’t know. There is so much more detail I could go into here- but the bottom line is this:
I never set out to do this.
I rarely do it.
It is the one thing that, when it strikes, it’s usually unexpected, is totally out of control- I feel desperate and there can be no apparent trigger for it and often, no way to stop it.
It is very SECRET and very upsetting and leaves me hurting physically and mentally for days following, including a severe but short-lived heavy, black depression.
I'm sure many people can relate to these feelings and how much power they hold over us. This is also one of the main reasons I decided to limit my alcohol intake drastically. Alcohol numbs feelings... and accelerates them, ED wise. It changes the whole perspective and throws me into a place where ED is dangerous and wild. Not always….. but has done, enough times that I need to be very, very aware and careful always- even after months and months of hard work, eating well, not drinking too much etc. it can just bite and very hard.
I believe it’s something that I find hard to tell anyone when it does happen and find it emotionally draining for days after it too. I guess what I’m trying to communicate is that it’s quite easy to talk about if I have or haven’t eaten enough or if I’ve been not doing enough exercise or if I feel sad or down or scared but find it difficult to come to terms with if I’ve had a ‘purge’ incident.
So that’s my take on that. I hope this all ok to share, it’s like the ‘Silent Evil’ part of my ED that, although is very rare and occasional, is still something that I have to deal with and be aware of every day, along with the other stuff I talk about here.
Stay well, stay safe, keep on lovin YOU.
Thanks for reading. Xx
*Parts of this post are truly graphic and may be disturbing to read. I talk frankly about some occurrences that took place when I suffered from Bulimia Nervosa 14 years ago. Please do not read if you may be uncomfortable with the behaviours that go along with this illness, I do not mean any offence or upset to anyone at all*
I wanted to share this as it's something that I experienced during my early ED days that was far worse to me personally, than any of the current ED stuff I battle with. I noticed, when reading through a few blogs out there, how much I can relate to the struggles and sheer hell of Bulimia, even though now, thank God, I got through the worst of that particular avenue of ED.
I find it particularly uncomfortable to talk about this, one of the main reasons being the guilt and disgust I felt toward myself when I engaged in this behaviour (it was FAR beyond my control so maybe 'behavior' isn't the right word here), the total lack of other peoples understanding of 'why one would do this to oneself 'and the utter lack of control that goes along with it- in fact- to me- I have never been so un-in control ever of anything than the way I was when I was 17 and suffered from Bulimia.
To briefly let you know the picture- my main issues now and for the past several years, have been with anorexia and under-eating or restrictive eating, with occasional bursts of purging while restricting.
(Very occasionally, out & out binges followed by purging, usually alcohol related and usually late at night and usually- a one off.)
I was hospitalized as a teenager twice within the same year, first for re-feeding/ anorexia treatment and then several months later, for full blown Bulimia Nervosa.
When I say full-blown, I MEAN full blown. I’m talking from morning til night bingeing (not just at mealtimes) and purging, several times a day-EVERY DAY. Using all the money I could find to spend on binge food, including draining my bank accounts, all my wages, unable to hold down a job for very long, alcohol abuse, suicide attempts, self-harm, severe depression, burst blood vessels in my eye, vomiting into bags in my room for fear of being caught (I lived at home with my parents), vomiting into anything- anywhere. It was worse than hell and the suicide attempts were real- I couldn’t stop this illness- even from fear of instant death due to the physical strain but I couldn’t bear to live with it and had no way out due to the intense fear of being fat.
I won’t drag on with this- it hit an all time rock-bottom at that point and I DID come through it enough to get back to living safely, and although still heavily ED loaded, I was through the other side of the B word hell cycle.
The events that followed over the next ten years were, all in all, positive and exiting and enabled me to end up, in a very roundabout long long story sort of way, married with a son.
This post was also sparked off in relation to something my husband said to me. As I mentioned before, the return of the full-on ED a few years ago (when I went back to hospital for treatment) is based around restriction and the anorexia issues and not really much involvement as regards Bulimia.
However, I mentioned to him last week, when we were discussing the last couple of years in relation to ED & recovery, that there had been a few incidents where I had purged food or blatantly binged, especially late at night when we’d been out drinking and then gone to the chip shop at 3am blah blah ….. and he was shocked… and hurt that he didn’t know. There is so much more detail I could go into here- but the bottom line is this:
I never set out to do this.
I rarely do it.
It is the one thing that, when it strikes, it’s usually unexpected, is totally out of control- I feel desperate and there can be no apparent trigger for it and often, no way to stop it.
It is very SECRET and very upsetting and leaves me hurting physically and mentally for days following, including a severe but short-lived heavy, black depression.
I'm sure many people can relate to these feelings and how much power they hold over us. This is also one of the main reasons I decided to limit my alcohol intake drastically. Alcohol numbs feelings... and accelerates them, ED wise. It changes the whole perspective and throws me into a place where ED is dangerous and wild. Not always….. but has done, enough times that I need to be very, very aware and careful always- even after months and months of hard work, eating well, not drinking too much etc. it can just bite and very hard.
I believe it’s something that I find hard to tell anyone when it does happen and find it emotionally draining for days after it too. I guess what I’m trying to communicate is that it’s quite easy to talk about if I have or haven’t eaten enough or if I’ve been not doing enough exercise or if I feel sad or down or scared but find it difficult to come to terms with if I’ve had a ‘purge’ incident.
So that’s my take on that. I hope this all ok to share, it’s like the ‘Silent Evil’ part of my ED that, although is very rare and occasional, is still something that I have to deal with and be aware of every day, along with the other stuff I talk about here.
Stay well, stay safe, keep on lovin YOU.
Thanks for reading. Xx
Tuesday, 24 March 2009
ED Voice shut up shut up shut up....!!
Just a quick one here- I actually want to write about the 'B' word (and the 'P' word that usually goes with that- i'm sure if you understand my B & P abbreviations you'll know what I'm on about??!! ) BUT, I'm saving that for when I can find a way to get across what I need to.
So, I've had:
So, I've had:
- A sliced apple with tbsp Vanilla Heaven PB
- Coco Loco Nakd Bar
- Hummus, spinach & white cabbage sandwich on wholewheat
- Some strawberries
Reason I just posted this is because I've spent the last couple of hours thinking about if I've ate too much or not enough and battling in my head if I should add up the 'numbers'- you know- the C word....! And I've managed to ask myself 'what's going on here?'
I feel nourished and fed and not by any means stuffed- I've had my meals and snacks, as planned and the food choices I've made are balanced and healthy- so why would I need to add up any sort of numbers and ruin it??? 'What is THAT all about, hey Sar....?'
Ok- I'm glad I asked myself that cos this is what its about...
I haven't done any planned exercise for over a week now, that is, my exercise bike or skipping rope work-outs that I do at home sometimes. And much as I've made a deal with myself that I will only do them as part of a healthy lifestyle, I guess the ED side of things throws another light on it when I'm caught off guard. And the other 'trigger' has been the weekend events, eating maybe more stuff that's not in my meal plan and having a couple of extra drinks (alcohol) than I planned. But I need to re-inforce to myself that I have in no way done anything that warrants me trotting down the ED path to try and punish myself for LIVING a little.
I have all these fears, including waking up one morning and not being able to pull my jeans up my legs anymore or grabbing pounds of flesh that has manifested on me in the night... and much as I know this is ridiculous, I have to keep repeating the FACTS in my head- the straight forward factual facts as regards needing to considerably overeat for longer than 1 day to lay down extra lb's and that 1 extra pint of cider or an small size dessert or Larabar for a couple of days, ISN't going to turn me into some supersize. It doesn't happen like that.... And then there is the thoughts that go like 'Well, I'm different.... my metabolism is screwy'
NO SAR- it WAS screwy- during the recovery process 3 years ago, it was fucked. Fucked until about 6 months ago when it finally levelled out again. That's 2 and a half years of shit, recovering from an illness that you're hovering on if you keep making it a problem to eat a bit extra or drink a bit extra or SIT AND COUNT THE AMOUNT OF CALORIES YOU'VE EATEN SO FAR TODAY.
So..... I'm going to get a cup of coffee, take an apple, a babybel and an Alpro yogurt, and get on with day and enjoy the fact that I'm strong enough to fight the ED voice today. Xx
Monday, 16 March 2009
Explaining yourself based on BMI/ Weight
This is a bit of a rant but terribly frustrating, I feel I just need to shout very loudly and somehow make somebody listen.
Here's how it is:
Right now, I'm having a few physical problems with different ailments but I'm trying my best to look after myself and seem to be, overall, doing ok.
I 'm doing my meal plans and eating a wide range of foods, from all food groups and although it's sometimes very hard, and ED will poke it's ugly head in (whats new?),I'm managing it all better than I have in a long, long time. And when ED issues come up- I try to rationilize them, deal with it, make it better and learn from it, which I've never had the strength to try and do before.
Problem is this: because I have dropped a few pounds (I don't have scales BTW, just clothes to go by) there are a few people starting to notice and question my health in relation to the ED. Some of them are people very close to me, whom care about me and are concerned and some are village gossips who love nothing better than to find a 'scandel' or something amiss to fill their sad little lives with the business of others rather than deal with their own sh*t.
However, regardless of who they are and the reason for their concern, ONE THING that winds me up the most is this- mentally, I am far stronger, far more stable and far happier and content with my life RIGHT NOW than I have been for the last 4 years, despite being at a bit lower weight than I have been BUT am definately not underweight in a cause for concern type way. And -over the last 18 months, where I have been at a weight a little over 'ideal', I have been in an ED hell which has caused the most horrendous personal problems relating to alcohol, aggression, binge eating & vomiting, depression and many other mental disorders, all based around the fact that I had recovered physically, but definately NOT MENTALLY.
Yet, no-one really understood, if they knew at all, which most didn't. I covered it well so as not to draw attention to myself, having been hospitalized a year previous, I had to be seen to be well and hold down a life.
People would make comments constantly on how well they thought I was doing and all that and I just wanted to cry and scream at them and tell them that the hell going on in my head was far worse than at any other time and I just couldn't deal with it. But it didn't matter- because I looked well, so I should just be thankful for that. Human nature, I guess..... sigh
And now, it's like the opposite way round- where I may not 'look' terribly well BUT definately don't need anyone fussing as I'm doing ok ED wise, (which is the demon in my life) and feeling pretty damn good.
I just wish there had been as much support on offer when I actually needed it, when I was at breaking point several times over the last year- and not really now when life is pretty good on a personal, mental health level.
I guess I'm just ranting on as it seems so so so unfair that now I'm feeling happy and levelled out, it can't be accepted by others as all they seem to want is to see 'a bit of colour in my cheeks' and 'a bit more flesh on my bones'
RANT OVER. Just needed to vent a little. I know it's only cos they care. I just sometimes need to get it out so that I don't have to keep toying with it in my head. Kind of, get it out and move on.
Have a good day peeps. Xx
Here's how it is:
Right now, I'm having a few physical problems with different ailments but I'm trying my best to look after myself and seem to be, overall, doing ok.
I 'm doing my meal plans and eating a wide range of foods, from all food groups and although it's sometimes very hard, and ED will poke it's ugly head in (whats new?),I'm managing it all better than I have in a long, long time. And when ED issues come up- I try to rationilize them, deal with it, make it better and learn from it, which I've never had the strength to try and do before.
Problem is this: because I have dropped a few pounds (I don't have scales BTW, just clothes to go by) there are a few people starting to notice and question my health in relation to the ED. Some of them are people very close to me, whom care about me and are concerned and some are village gossips who love nothing better than to find a 'scandel' or something amiss to fill their sad little lives with the business of others rather than deal with their own sh*t.
However, regardless of who they are and the reason for their concern, ONE THING that winds me up the most is this- mentally, I am far stronger, far more stable and far happier and content with my life RIGHT NOW than I have been for the last 4 years, despite being at a bit lower weight than I have been BUT am definately not underweight in a cause for concern type way. And -over the last 18 months, where I have been at a weight a little over 'ideal', I have been in an ED hell which has caused the most horrendous personal problems relating to alcohol, aggression, binge eating & vomiting, depression and many other mental disorders, all based around the fact that I had recovered physically, but definately NOT MENTALLY.
Yet, no-one really understood, if they knew at all, which most didn't. I covered it well so as not to draw attention to myself, having been hospitalized a year previous, I had to be seen to be well and hold down a life.
People would make comments constantly on how well they thought I was doing and all that and I just wanted to cry and scream at them and tell them that the hell going on in my head was far worse than at any other time and I just couldn't deal with it. But it didn't matter- because I looked well, so I should just be thankful for that. Human nature, I guess..... sigh
And now, it's like the opposite way round- where I may not 'look' terribly well BUT definately don't need anyone fussing as I'm doing ok ED wise, (which is the demon in my life) and feeling pretty damn good.
I just wish there had been as much support on offer when I actually needed it, when I was at breaking point several times over the last year- and not really now when life is pretty good on a personal, mental health level.
I guess I'm just ranting on as it seems so so so unfair that now I'm feeling happy and levelled out, it can't be accepted by others as all they seem to want is to see 'a bit of colour in my cheeks' and 'a bit more flesh on my bones'
RANT OVER. Just needed to vent a little. I know it's only cos they care. I just sometimes need to get it out so that I don't have to keep toying with it in my head. Kind of, get it out and move on.
Have a good day peeps. Xx
Tuesday, 3 March 2009
3 Years on, WHY am I STILL at this point???
I once said, more than once actually, 'Anorexia was hell..... recovering from it is F#*cking HELL' and, I meant it.
Nearly 3 years ago, just after my 30th birthday, I left in-patient treatment and f#*cked up. My weight plummeted and I became physically extremely unwell, again.
My issue right now is: what went wrong? What happened that has meant that the last 3 years, until recently, have been an ED hell, even after making a full PHYSICAL recovery. In fact- Christmas this year was about the best time, ED wise, I can honestly say there has been for about 5 years. I'd managed to get my weight back to where I was comfortable, after the un-even, unbalanced recovery gain of too much fat and not enough muscle- uneven distribution and a well buggered metabolism!!! (see Minnesota Starvation study- it's what happens)http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Minnesota_Starvation_Experiment
I consequently had to re-go through recovery at home with my family (husband and young son) and at the same time- carry on with normal life.... go to work, run the house, look after my son and his needs and carry on like usual, regardless of the unbearable struggle to come to terms with having to re-gain a lot of body mass. This is where the 'Escapism' kicked in- BIG TIME.
It seemed like a big black tunnel ahead. I'd not got my head into 'true recovery'.... I should have stayed at the hospital a lot longer in order to come round to that but chose to leave.
I knew I had NO choice but do what everyone wanted and EAT or risk losing everything I'd got. So I ate.... I let them feed me, I ate what they wanted me to. I drank alcohol- it fitted in with our 'normal' life of going out at the weekend and having fun and drinking with friends-LOTS of drinking and partying on Saturday nights, while my son is at his Dads for the weekend. I smiled, I went to work, I ate, life went on, I binged, I vomited, I drank and vomited late at night in despair when the pain of holding it all in became too much, I gained back weight, I looked more normal, LIFE WENT ON. And I was so terribly unhappy.
And the more 'healthy looking' I became, the more people around me assumed I was doing really good.
"Hey Sar, you're looking really well... how are you?"
"Um, yeah..ok... not actually too good- this is real hard and painful but, yeah...."
"Well you're LOOKING really well- keep it up"
YES... I WILL.... and I'll keep the pain all inside and not let anyone down because I can eat till i'm blue in the face and the monster inside that causes my ED hell will continue to stay there, sniggering at me for going with the flow and trying to eat him away when it doesn't matter whether I'm emaciated or obese- he'll still be down there, somewhere.
Life became pretty erratic, life at home was really quite unpredictable and dangerous and none of us was happy. I made friends outside of our social circle and detatched myself from 'home life' as much as I could....We had a few good days, then a terrible weekend, then maybe one really good weekend we fighted, we screamed at each other, I'd go on drunken food binges and vomit, and worst of all- I had these episodes where I would just suddenly 'click'... lose all control and let rip to the point of physical violence- this WASN'T the alcohol talking- this was the suppressed ED which occasionally the anger would build up from it to the point of overload on a scale too big for me to deal with-usually late at night after we'd been out on another 'mad' weekend and had what would have been 'fun' with friends. And I could NEVER tell when it would happen. It was almost certainly alcohol related, as these thing usually are- I even tried to blame the alcohol for it and say that maybe I had an addiction to that...? But I sat analysing and trying out new ways of living and it became all too clear that the root of EVERY DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR came from the ED.
No-one got it.
Only me and my husband knew the awful hell that was still going on and all our friends, with whom we socialised just saw the 'old Sar' - looking healthy- smiling- out enjoying life- drinking and frolicking about- just like before......
This carried on until November 2008, what.. 4 months ago now.
After one particularly bad drunken ED fuelled rage, I finally realised that I COULD NOT carry on with it. I decided there and then to get a 'Plan of Action' firmly into place.
I cut completely back on all alcohol, only to give myself head-space and actually experience the bad feelings ED was still doing to me. I didn't drink when we went out and I went home early and felt the anger but woke up feeling stronger. I battled it and challenged it and fought through to sort out the 'real' feelings and can say that it was the best thing I could have done. By Christmas time, I'd managed to implement a nice, happy, tranquil way of living, with sensible, if still ED controlled, meal plans. My weight settled back down to where I feel happy (although others expressed concern that I maybe started to look a little thin, I KNOW from my clothing etc that I'm still within healthy) and life is far more qualitive than has been for years.
And I guess this is where my whole blog actually starts.
I started to read other blogs, some of which are added to my blog list and started to get ideas for staying well and actually enjoying the process of staying well. I realise that I'm at a point where weight loss is not an option to stay well but I'm well enough to start enjoying eating good food and challenging the ED behaviors, which, so far, what this blog has been about!!!! And what it will continue to be about.
I have lost a few 'friends' over this new-found way of recovering properly, the way I should have let myself recover from the start- but if they can't understand my reasons for temporarily (or however long it takes) stopping the all-night drinking and 'fun'stuff for the good of finding a level way of living, then I really cannot make room for them in my life right now. Yes, I would like to have lots of fun doing those things again but right now, there's more important things to sort out to ensure a long-term decent lifestyle. And i'm in no rush- I just want to get it right this time.
And it's hard, and ED's suck and wreck lives but i'm NEVER giving up fighting it, I'm too worth it for that.
Nearly 3 years ago, just after my 30th birthday, I left in-patient treatment and f#*cked up. My weight plummeted and I became physically extremely unwell, again.
My issue right now is: what went wrong? What happened that has meant that the last 3 years, until recently, have been an ED hell, even after making a full PHYSICAL recovery. In fact- Christmas this year was about the best time, ED wise, I can honestly say there has been for about 5 years. I'd managed to get my weight back to where I was comfortable, after the un-even, unbalanced recovery gain of too much fat and not enough muscle- uneven distribution and a well buggered metabolism!!! (see Minnesota Starvation study- it's what happens)http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Minnesota_Starvation_Experiment
I consequently had to re-go through recovery at home with my family (husband and young son) and at the same time- carry on with normal life.... go to work, run the house, look after my son and his needs and carry on like usual, regardless of the unbearable struggle to come to terms with having to re-gain a lot of body mass. This is where the 'Escapism' kicked in- BIG TIME.
It seemed like a big black tunnel ahead. I'd not got my head into 'true recovery'.... I should have stayed at the hospital a lot longer in order to come round to that but chose to leave.
I knew I had NO choice but do what everyone wanted and EAT or risk losing everything I'd got. So I ate.... I let them feed me, I ate what they wanted me to. I drank alcohol- it fitted in with our 'normal' life of going out at the weekend and having fun and drinking with friends-LOTS of drinking and partying on Saturday nights, while my son is at his Dads for the weekend. I smiled, I went to work, I ate, life went on, I binged, I vomited, I drank and vomited late at night in despair when the pain of holding it all in became too much, I gained back weight, I looked more normal, LIFE WENT ON. And I was so terribly unhappy.
And the more 'healthy looking' I became, the more people around me assumed I was doing really good.
"Hey Sar, you're looking really well... how are you?"
"Um, yeah..ok... not actually too good- this is real hard and painful but, yeah...."
"Well you're LOOKING really well- keep it up"
YES... I WILL.... and I'll keep the pain all inside and not let anyone down because I can eat till i'm blue in the face and the monster inside that causes my ED hell will continue to stay there, sniggering at me for going with the flow and trying to eat him away when it doesn't matter whether I'm emaciated or obese- he'll still be down there, somewhere.
Life became pretty erratic, life at home was really quite unpredictable and dangerous and none of us was happy. I made friends outside of our social circle and detatched myself from 'home life' as much as I could....We had a few good days, then a terrible weekend, then maybe one really good weekend we fighted, we screamed at each other, I'd go on drunken food binges and vomit, and worst of all- I had these episodes where I would just suddenly 'click'... lose all control and let rip to the point of physical violence- this WASN'T the alcohol talking- this was the suppressed ED which occasionally the anger would build up from it to the point of overload on a scale too big for me to deal with-usually late at night after we'd been out on another 'mad' weekend and had what would have been 'fun' with friends. And I could NEVER tell when it would happen. It was almost certainly alcohol related, as these thing usually are- I even tried to blame the alcohol for it and say that maybe I had an addiction to that...? But I sat analysing and trying out new ways of living and it became all too clear that the root of EVERY DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR came from the ED.
No-one got it.
Only me and my husband knew the awful hell that was still going on and all our friends, with whom we socialised just saw the 'old Sar' - looking healthy- smiling- out enjoying life- drinking and frolicking about- just like before......
This carried on until November 2008, what.. 4 months ago now.
After one particularly bad drunken ED fuelled rage, I finally realised that I COULD NOT carry on with it. I decided there and then to get a 'Plan of Action' firmly into place.
I cut completely back on all alcohol, only to give myself head-space and actually experience the bad feelings ED was still doing to me. I didn't drink when we went out and I went home early and felt the anger but woke up feeling stronger. I battled it and challenged it and fought through to sort out the 'real' feelings and can say that it was the best thing I could have done. By Christmas time, I'd managed to implement a nice, happy, tranquil way of living, with sensible, if still ED controlled, meal plans. My weight settled back down to where I feel happy (although others expressed concern that I maybe started to look a little thin, I KNOW from my clothing etc that I'm still within healthy) and life is far more qualitive than has been for years.
And I guess this is where my whole blog actually starts.
I started to read other blogs, some of which are added to my blog list and started to get ideas for staying well and actually enjoying the process of staying well. I realise that I'm at a point where weight loss is not an option to stay well but I'm well enough to start enjoying eating good food and challenging the ED behaviors, which, so far, what this blog has been about!!!! And what it will continue to be about.
I have lost a few 'friends' over this new-found way of recovering properly, the way I should have let myself recover from the start- but if they can't understand my reasons for temporarily (or however long it takes) stopping the all-night drinking and 'fun'stuff for the good of finding a level way of living, then I really cannot make room for them in my life right now. Yes, I would like to have lots of fun doing those things again but right now, there's more important things to sort out to ensure a long-term decent lifestyle. And i'm in no rush- I just want to get it right this time.
And it's hard, and ED's suck and wreck lives but i'm NEVER giving up fighting it, I'm too worth it for that.
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