Explaining yourself based on BMI/ Weight

This is a bit of a rant but terribly frustrating, I feel I just need to shout very loudly and somehow make somebody listen.

Here's how it is:

Right now, I'm having a few physical problems with different ailments but I'm trying my best to look after myself and seem to be, overall, doing ok.

I 'm doing my meal plans and eating a wide range of foods, from all food groups and although it's sometimes very hard, and ED will poke it's ugly head in (whats new?),I'm managing it all better than I have in a long, long time. And when ED issues come up- I try to rationilize them, deal with it, make it better and learn from it, which I've never had the strength to try and do before.


Problem is this: because I have dropped a few pounds (I don't have scales BTW, just clothes to go by) there are a few people starting to notice and question my health in relation to the ED. Some of them are people very close to me, whom care about me and are concerned and some are village gossips who love nothing better than to find a 'scandel' or something amiss to fill their sad little lives with the business of others rather than deal with their own sh*t.

However, regardless of who they are and the reason for their concern, ONE THING that winds me up the most is this- mentally, I am far stronger, far more stable and far happier and content with my life RIGHT NOW than I have been for the last 4 years, despite being at a bit lower weight than I have been BUT am definately not underweight in a cause for concern type way. And -over the last 18 months, where I have been at a weight a little over 'ideal', I have been in an ED hell which has caused the most horrendous personal problems relating to alcohol, aggression, binge eating & vomiting, depression and many other mental disorders, all based around the fact that I had recovered physically, but definately NOT MENTALLY.

Yet, no-one really understood, if they knew at all, which most didn't. I covered it well so as not to draw attention to myself, having been hospitalized a year previous, I had to be seen to be well and hold down a life.

People would make comments constantly on how well they thought I was doing and all that and I just wanted to cry and scream at them and tell them that the hell going on in my head was far worse than at any other time and I just couldn't deal with it. But it didn't matter- because I looked well, so I should just be thankful for that. Human nature, I guess..... sigh

And now, it's like the opposite way round- where I may not 'look' terribly well BUT definately don't need anyone fussing as I'm doing ok ED wise, (which is the demon in my life) and feeling pretty damn good.

I just wish there had been as much support on offer when I actually needed it, when I was at breaking point several times over the last year- and not really now when life is pretty good on a personal, mental health level.

I guess I'm just ranting on as it seems so so so unfair that now I'm feeling happy and levelled out, it can't be accepted by others as all they seem to want is to see 'a bit of colour in my cheeks' and 'a bit more flesh on my bones'

RANT OVER. Just needed to vent a little. I know it's only cos they care. I just sometimes need to get it out so that I don't have to keep toying with it in my head. Kind of, get it out and move on.
Have a good day peeps. Xx

Breakfast 3 -some!!!! Oooh!

Helllloooooo.....

Just a quickie post here, I got a little exited about some 'experiments with flavours' that I did. I see so many of you out there with wonderful food creations and mine are comparitively unexciting/ unadventurous but these were quite an achievement for me. I was a stickler for having everything in ready-made portioned labelled packets/ quantities, so to mix it up and have many different things together was a bit of a challenge BUT it's a good way to NOT be able to pick over everything and evaluate the content and is good for the freedom feeling it gives me around food. So- I had these:

I did them in little portions. I got Oats with warm malted milk (Horlicks- YUM!!!) and All-bran with vanilla Rice Milk and oats + warm vanilla rice milk & white choc PB.
I ended up nibbling a bit of each and it was a taste sensation!! And just enough to equal a 'full portion'. So, if in future, I can't decide what to have- i'll do this again and have a bit of everything. I guess that works across the board with nutrition- a bit of everything (as long as it's enough, of course!)
And.... only because I never tried this flavour and it was delicious! Banana cookie Larabar- and I spread some white choc PB spread on top too- with a cup of coffee made with hazelnut-almond rice milk.... good eats day, taste wise!!!

I've let myself down over an ED issue

*This post mentions a few ED behaviors that may not be suitable to read if you're having a bad day ED wise. I'm sharing here as regards what I'm going to do about it now, to put it right and not let it happen again*

So, I fucked up last night and this morning with my stupid ED mindset worming it's way into my head and messing up a situation which I should have known better than to let happen- aarrrgghhh!

What happened? It started when I decided to do a 30 min skipping stint with my weighted rope when I got in from work- purely because I'd done nothing all week but sit and work at my desk and I felt like a bit of a 'shake-up', get some serotonin flowing... and it was good stuff, i felt enlivened and awoken and so I got a shower and started to prepare dinner for myself and my family. Then, whilst I was cooking and messing about in the kitchen, I decided to have a can of my favourite alcoholic drink- KOPPARBERG CIDER.

Now, I've discussed this before on here (see CHALLENGE UPDATE: Alcohol + food) and it should not have instigated a problem. And without going on too much about it, it seems I still have a 'bit of an issue' with this alcohol- during -midweek stuff.

It's like it has to be a treat, or something that I keep for the weekends only. And I need to get that dealt with in my head. I'd been doing really good with it and somehow, last night, I managed to twist it up and make a bit of a mess of today to boot. But i'm *trying* to put it right.

I ended up binning the potato off my dinner plate last night and then not having my hot chocolate drink before bed, in way of compensation for the can of cider (I actually had a can and a half in the end). I then planned that next morning I would just have brekkie as normal and it would all be ok again. BUT- when I did get up, I had slept later than normal, (probably because I had had the cider!!) AND THEN, while I was making my sandwiches to take for lunch, my husband made a comment about me using my teaspoon measure for the peanut butter I was putting onto the bread. I kinda lost it, I use the spoon measure as I usually under-estimate the quantity to use and I like to ensure that I have my full portion size. There was a time when I used the measure spoon for purpose of restriction and what I was cross about is that all that stuff was a long time ago and he should have been more tactful in the way he went about asking why I was using it. I guess he's not to know what the hell was going on my head so I did massively over-react- so then I ended up with a half-assed sarnie that I crumpled up in the foil to get it out of my way and it went in the bin before I left for work as I was upset. And I left the house with no breakfast inside me. Stupid girl.

So, then i'm at work, with a TREK bar for my a.m. snack and some oats & bran & PB & rice milk mixture with chopped fruits, that was going to be my breakfast.

So, I ate my TREK bar as usual and then ate the cereal mix & fruit for lunch and bought a bottle of Alpro Soya chocolate milk to go with it. Exept that I have only had half the bottle of milk and am saving the other half for my pm snack with a babybel because I'm feeling a bit full. And i'm now sat asking myself "At what point are you just going to jump back into reality and carry on with the really good work that you've been doing so well at over the last few weeks?"
The answer I'm looking for is "Right now".
I need to have my usual pm snack, as usual and carry on as I do any other day. It's that easy, isn't it? I have no reason to do continue being so unfair to myself. I blowing this out of all proportion and even as I'm typing, I'm realising how much stronger I am than this. I'm now going to focus on the rest of my day and enjoy it.

Having a couple of drinks wasn't bad or wrong and I know that. ED is a f**cker and doesn't want me to have anything nice to look forward to or to enjoy and is laughing at me now, flapping over it hours and hours later. So, I need to re-read the post on challenging alcohol and re-inforce exactly why I don't need to have episodes where ED is in control.

UPDATE:

Back in now and- just added this pic-the rest of my Alpro Soya Milk w, ice & babybel- I'm sat havin this now and am feeling HAPPY again! Xx