Tuesday, 17 November 2009

its real, its REAL, oh the misery- i'll die laughin, never!

Am back. Never been away. Here.... but just simmering.
Strange how I could tell tales of my successes these last few months; impress you with my achievements, my new job, the friends I've made there, the way I've coped with the harsh reality shit that gets slung at you day in day out- all the positives and the happies and the smilies. Yet, for every bad time, for every fuck up and every very very deeply fucked up ED related piece of crap that weaves itself into my good times- I have very little success to report.

See, I kinda hoped like hell when I started this blog that I would somehow lightly bounce my way to certain recovery with a princess smiledoning ruby slippers and a sweet basket full of organic veggies and gluten free cup cakes, swinging merrily by my side while I smiled my pearly yellows with a sneaky fag behind my back and no knickers on as I waltzed down that yellow sick road..... didnEE happen..... f'in surprise Dorothy. IT DON'T.

So now I am still here, desperatly seeking therapy for no reason other than I need to do something. Holding down my job and work friends who can't possibly picture the monster I turn into on evening's and weekends when it kicks in that I am Borderline too much to let anyone know just how bad it is but ED'd outta my head enough to starve-drink-vomit- kill myself every single Friday and Saturday night.

I live somewhere where there is no reality.

I am in a place that hurts so bad, I actually can't think how I'm still here.

But manage to somehow blag a life due to my impressively perfected BPD that has allowed me to swap in and out of the little worlds I exist in and convince just about everyone that isn't unfortunate to have married me/ lived with me/ slept in my bed for more than an hour to believe that I am happy, smiley fuckin-sometimes -goddamn -witty little me who is (elbow in ribs and a wink-) such a wicked laugh!!!!!!

I am dying here. I am suffering and wasting and I am broken. I am also functioning, happy and fit n healthy.

How the fuck do I know whats real???? The end of the world, the bottom of the pit, is non-existent, after a good nights sleep and a day at work. I am many people. And this is the problem.

Anorexia is no longer allowed round here.

Which means everythin else is allowed.

To stay on the edge.

And that means EVERYTHIN'.

And however much hell n destruction is brought on by that cocktail of 'alternatives'...

The thing I can't have.... will poke it's dirty fingers into every other corner of my otherwise non-planned out week (i'e. the hours when I not at work).

And so............. I is livin' in hell. And doin' a damn good job of it! ;)

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