Web sites/boards for ED's?

I was just thinking about the different sites I have visited or become members of, over the last 5-6 years, in relation to Eating Disorders and Mental Health issues... It's probably quite a lot!

I don't really use them much, I'm more of your 'secret browser' type who lingers about, just reading posts that catch my eye- I've never really 'got into' being a part of any of them. Not purposely, just always felt un-worthy of them or totally above them- good old black and white thinking, just for a change!

There is a particular one (won't mention names) that I have been a member of for over 5 years now, that I still log onto almost daily. It is definately NOT pro-ana, although a great many people that are members of this site have been there longer than me and are mostly deep in ED dominated lives. I used to find this site terribly fascinating and would sit logged on for hours at a time, bemused by the subjects that were up for 'discussion'. I think I posted twice ever on this site and didn't much like the reaction I got to whatever it was I posted about. I log onto it now out of general nosiness, I suppose, and because it's been that many years, I almost feel like I know some of these people, even though they wouldn't have a clue who I am even on a username basis. They post pics, write diaries and talk about their lives and food, really positive, real stuff mostly. But then there is your share of who's eaten what and thrown it up too!

Allsorts.

I used to feel quite jealous that I couldn't seem to get involved as much as many of them... sometimes I had good advice based on my experiences or had input I could have given to help someone but I just couldn't seem to join in, no matter how many hours I hung around reading. Some people seem 'to' into them to me. Like, 'how can they be getting on with their lives and trying to recover if they're forever bloody posting on here?'. I know the desperation and depression and dis-attachment that ED's can bring about and it was probably one of the places they felt happiest and among those that understand, when trapped in a world that just can't seem to help or give you what's needed (hell knows you don't know yourself!) I think maybe I was just TO depressed and past caring to have the energy to get involved, rather selfishly speaking- !!! I like this blogging lark better... it's kinda like talking to yourself too, a lot of the time for me, anyway. And an immediate response is un-important, or indeed, any response. It's just nice to vent (smile face)

And anyway.... I was thinking to myself, how at different stages of my ED, the different things I got out of sites such as these... and how when I was a teenager, trapped in a world of ED's and not really understanding why or how it happened to me or what I was going to do about it.... and what the fuck I did before the world wide web.

Feeding time ticks on

Haha... ok, still here:) Will take me some time to set my other blog up and frankly, my concentration levels are crap right now; to sit down and put something decent together will mean I need a day to myself and have absolutely NOTHING else to do... but I will get it done.
I feel a whole lot stronger for having put my foot down as regards letting other people talk me into having a problem with ED all over again. I quite like where I am right now, in my head. I will, of course, change my tune completely over the course of the next few days/ weeks but that be of little surprise!!
However......... I think that maybe if I pay attention to the other area's of my mental health, it may be more beneficial to me overall. I'm just TOOOOO Borderline lately and a little OCD. It's strange, though, as I just function SO efficiently with my little rituals, my constant writing things down, my tick boxes and all that... hey, why would I want to chill and def doing all that when it enables me to be so useful???? Joking aside, that stuff can be a little OTT but at least I have recognition of it. It's like every other dimension of my mental health currently- is not bad enough to worry about and not near normal enough to forget. But I'm cool and I'm smiling and always aware...... XX

Brick wall or climb over into life...

Before I started this blog, I had been very mentally messed up for at least 4 years previous, probably more.
No-one really knew the depth of it, maybe they did, doesn’t matter- things were BAD. Until the last 7-8 months. I challenged myself to make real progress ED and mental health wise.
I lost some weight- gradually, steadily and healthily, by eating well and drinking less alcohol. It worked- I lost the excess pounds from my initial anorexia recovery weight gain. And now I feel physically super! I’m happy with my body, the way I look and I eat a proper diet with adequate calories.

Alarm bells are, however, ringing in the ears of some others in my life.
This seems to be
a problem for THEM.

So, I’m compliant and eager to let them know things are going well… Yes, I’ll agree to get some checks done, just to keep on top of it.
Ok, so say I go to see my doc and we get my BMI measured to start…
Based on my calculations with a UK Official Health Chart, even if I’m a few pounds lighter than what I believe I actually am right now, I’ll still be in the ‘Normal’ range.
So the doc asks me how stuff is…. It’s great, life’s good and much better than the past 4 years. I’m happy at work, at home and in general.
I do moderate exercise, every now and then.
I feel generally healthy and my female system is working ok (although I have got some related issues, nothing to do with the ED, on that front- woman’s stuff!) I have enough of a body-fat percentage to produce hormones. If it comes about that I don’t, I will work with medical to people and sort it out. I want to be healthy.
My depression and mental health is stable, my outlook- very positive- My communication with my family when I have an off day- very good. I smile, I have energy, I love my life.
I go out for meals with my family and friends, I enjoy it very much. My range of foods has broadened and I’m not so afraid of eating things I would never have allowed myself before, going back even more years than the active-eating disorder.

I believe I will always have ED related issues for the foreseeable future.
One day, maybe something will click and I’ll let go completely. I believe that day will come and hope very much that it does.
Time is precious and I can sit around waiting for that day. Or I can do what I’m doing now- getting on with life, ensuring that I keep myself healthy, happy and challenging hiccups with eating issues that I would like to try and iron out, chip away at the many parts that make up my ED and slowly, carefully and thoroughly erase them from my life. As I’m doing now.
I need to be treated as the person that I am. Not as the person I was 4 years ago. I may be far from recovered but I’m far from ill.
Don’t take me for a child-like imbecile.
Be honest. Don’t conspire behind my back. Give me back what I give you- ask MY opinion, listen to me, understand what I say, what I mean, give me some credit.
I want the same as you- and so far, I’m doing a good job at getting it.
Don’t ruin it. Life is too short.
I have other interests in my life- things I want to do- things I already do, and am going to link a new blog, devoted to those activities and share what I love doing, what I’m good at and what my life is about and what I’m going to make it about.
I have ‘shared’ the ED and feel no need to share any further. I believe, for now, I have come as far as I can and am happy with the place I am at.
I will come back to this blog periodically but am going to work on setting up my new blog, my writing, my other life that exists outside of food issues.
Thank You.
Sar. xx

ED and MY HAIR!!!???? Read this!

OMG!!!!



I've just had a sudden chain of thoughts, sparked off in the strangest way but has just been an eye opener and a real useful realisation for me in way of understanding my ED and the way my brain works...

Here goes....a lovely girl who I work with a couple of days a week and I, have just been having a conversation about hairstyles and hairdressers as I went to get a haircut yesterday afternoon.

Now, there is a bit of a story that goes along with my hair. I have, for years and years, had really long hair, usually with no particular style, just lots of colour and bleach!

Then, last year, I had what I considered to be a DISASTER with a decision I made about getting a haircolour done and ended up having to have A LOT stuff done to it that I really had no choice over and went from having hair that I loved to a tangled load of long, dry, brittle, broken, split, almost black witch-like hair. (due to the mess that was made of the colour, black was the only way to cover it up)

I really, really got into a terrible state about it and for weeks, wore a hat constantly- I wouldn't even let my husband see my hair as I felt as though I was the ugliest thing that ever walked (honestly, I really did).

Even then, I refused to get it cut or done into a style that would have helped the way it looked, as the thing that mattered to me most, even after all the mess, was the length of my hair. I didn't care that it was shit hair- to me, the fact that it was long meant that I had grown that and it was to stay no matter what! The thought of someone cutting even a centimeter off it, would be too much to bear. I had got my hubby to trim it a couple of times over the last few years but it was the most tiny bit off the ends and after he'd done it, I would keep going back to the mirror and checking and measuring the length and compare to how it was before I let him trim it. It was madness, as I knew it was in urgent need of cutting and logically knew that it would be much nicer if I had it cut but something inside my head could not do it.

This may sound really over the top and exaggerated but I tell you, it certainly is not!

The reason I'm sharing all this is because I realised, in having this conversation today, how I've managed, without realising it, to let go of my unreal idea that to be beautiful, my hair just HAD to be long or I was ugly (regardless of condition!) My hair now looks lovely and is way shorter than has been for ages and has some sort of style which I bit the bullet and had done about 3 months ago. It was a sudden decision and the day I decided to do it, I knew I had to get an appointment then and there, that very day or I might not go through with it. Funny thing is, to me it was SUCH a BIG DEAL and the anxiety for about a week after was immense. I started to analyse photographs of my hair now against that of a year ago and pulled them to pieces in my head about whether I looked less attractive with my new hairstyle- all in the same way that I do with my ED and photo's from the past against now- and the anxiety and feelings are identical!

I find it a very interesting connection, for perhaps a little more consideration and thought, see what's really going on.

I don't think it makes me a shallow person, as in, I only care how I look- as that's not the case- it's more the thought of me doing something that might put me in a worse position than i'm in now (even though that position NOW may not be best) and passing control to someone else to trust them to do what I want and not mess it up for me.

I guess it's to do with changes and habits and not wanting to let go of something for fear and not-knowing so can be easier to stay as you are. And even when my hair was truly at 'rock bottom'- (that sounds real funny!),it took me a year to let go and sort it out. And now I can have a conversation with my collegue about hairstyles and not feel an inch of anxiety that it's not that long anymore and that that has no real impact on my life or how I feel about myself deep inside.

This may sound weird and 'what the hell!!' but it has just struck several chords with me how distorted I can make trivial things and I find it interesting....Hmmmmm.

Xx

Why write at all?....

I wanted this blog to be a bit like an online diary, in relation to my daily life and how i'm making changes for the better to stay well and happy despite the ED battles.

I know it's not a popular blog and I haven't really promoted it very much but I get more out of reading the other peoples blogs and just having somewhere to vent and clear the jumbled thoughts in my head, just to write it all on a page is theraputic.

I suppose what dissapoints me a little, is that there was a couple of people whom I asked to read it.... non-bloggers, family members, that I wanted to read through my entries, a couple of times a week. It's not that I can't communicate with these people, quite the opposite in fact. I just like to talk to them about other things, in this busy life we all lead... if I were to spend all evening talking to them about the stuff I write here, there may be a little time to do anything else, you know, the LIVING life everyday stuff.

Also, I may not be able to get across what I'm trying to say while we're watching TV, doing homework etc. it may come out wrong and make me feel worse for bringing it up. Airing my thoughts this way, is more practical on many levels.

The idea was that they would read it and it would help them to see how I go about helping myself more clearly, PROMOTE UNDERSTANDING. So they don't need to worry.... of course, verbal communication is always ideal and we do do that- it's just that it usually ends up in a bit of conversation where i'm saying "Yeah but.... yeah but....it's not like that..... LISTEN to me!" and so forth.

And writing it all on here enables me to get it out- be heard. And hopefully shows that I AM trying to keep things going well on the ED front.

Please just read.

Ortharexia or a preference for nutritious food?

I got 3 very topical aspects of my life right now to waffle on about.... thought I might share my thoughts about each, help myself understand what's going down with where I'm at right now, not just ED related but the other stuff that goes along with helping me keep the ED under wraps and having as little impact on my life as possible. I'll save the other 2 for tomorow as I've got quite a lot to say about each.

First off- ORTHAREXIA (hope I spelled that right!). There are so many different and complex labels/ diagnosis give to 'disordered eaters' these days that I generally don't pay an awful lot of attention- only because I believe that if a person has an eating pattern that is messed up enough to be causing problems in their life- it shouldn't matter what label they're given my a medical person- they need and deserve adequate help to try and recover from it. Also the fact that most Eating Disorders cross over, (whether you be anorexic, morbidly obese), sometimes on a daily basis, between starving, binging, excessive exercise, eating only certain food groups etc. However- back to the Ortharexia- I'm using this 'label' as I'm aware that a medical person may mention this in response to the way I eat currently. And I guess the reason for this post, is that I get quite annoyed/upset when others question or comment on my food choices, even though I choose them because I believe them to be nutritionally the best option.

For example: I don't eat anything I don't like/ don't really enjoy the taste of just because it's 'good for me'. Certain fruit & veg I dislike and would probably leave them on my plate, were I served them. However, I DO love vegetables and foods such as salmon, chicken, turkey, also prefer granary bread to white bread and prefer sweet potatoes and brown rice to their 'white' alternatives. This is partly because I was brought up on foods such as these and developed a taste for them naturally and have therefore become my favourite foods, partly because I know them to be nutritionally better for me and partly because given the choice, I know they are going to provide with all-round better nutrition than the less nutritious alternatives. In a restaurant, I'm more likely to choose a piece of salmon with asparagus than lasagne even though I like both these foods- for the reasons given above. If they had run out of salmon and only lasagne was available-I would eat the lasagne. Same as if I'm at a friends house for dinner- I will eat the steak and chips if that's what is on offer. So, to me, that's not 'Ortharexia' or an ortharexic trait but a choice that I make for the good of my body. Obviously, there are certain foods that I find difficult to eat due to the ED, that I REALLY like but I DO try and make a consious effort to have them every now and then to gradually break my thought patterns that go with them.

If I was talking to a dietician that knew nothing of my ED history, I feel sure that my diet would be impressive! The problem that I come against is that a few people see what they think they're seeing and conclude that I may not be eating properly. To explain, if I have a spinach salad & with olive oil, pine nuts, a hummus dollop and a brown roll as a side dish with my dinner, it would be calorifically equal to a thick slice of white bread & butter.... ok. But I not only PREFER the taste of the afore mentioned, it is obviously a much more nutritious choice. Same as, if I'm out and about and need a snack, if there is a newsagents selling Mars bars next to a wholefoods shop selling Trek bars, then i'm going to go for the latter- I LOVE Trek bars and nutty/seedy snacks!! I think others sometimes just see 'a salad' or' a 'health bar so must be low in calories' and don't bother to try and understand that it's a salad covered in pumpkin seed oil or a health bar packed with nuts and fruit and therefore, an adequate source of calories and nutrients.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't sometimes get anxious over eating a piece of chocolate or some crisps, I do- and one thing that causes that is that I know foods like these may leave me hungry or not feeling as physically satisfied and therefore I will feel the need to eat again soon and that can make me feel anxious. But I have started to introduce them, in a way that I might have a handful of walnuts with 2 pieces of chocolate or crisps with an apple, as a balanced snack, instead of ALWAYS having a Trek bar. I know that's normal and ok as far as

I just want to not be penelised for doing the best for myself and enjoying feeling full of vitality for eating well. I don't NEED to stuff myself full of biscuits to prove that I'm 'well' or recovered or whatever!!! I did that in recovery a couple of years ago and ended up at around 10 stone with a still-very-active eating disorder!! And just to get people off my back. Yes, I will have a biscuit with a cup of tea and a full-fat latte... but day to day, when it's my choice, of course i'm going to have my preference- isn't that what people do?