Wierd 'shakes' today- bit scary!

Had a sudden attack of shakes this morning.... I'd already had brekkie, which was lovely- soaked Alpen with bran oats, chopped kiwi and vanilla soya milk- Yum! I'd been up about 2 hours and was just making coffee about 10am when it came on. I don't remember the last time that happened but I can recall occasions from a LONG time ago. It's like, I don't feel faint but my breathing is shallow and my whole body shakes. It leaves me feeling quite dazed for hours after and It scares me as I'm not sure what causes it. I sometimes think it might be when I took my meds later than usual at night or if it's to do with electrolytes (THAT'S what really scares me) or if it's just because I'm sub-consiously fighting ED thoughts and it just affects me physically???
I know i've been looking after myself really well and it's upset me to have this happen when I was so looking forward to making the most of the weekend. Anyways, I got a Trek Bar down with a cup of herbal green tea and lay down for a bit... it worry's my hubby though and I don't like that... It's like he may think I'm not doing enough to keep myself healthy when I'm trying so hard and actually really getting a lot out of trying to live well. I think he does know.... I guess I get frustrated when something like this happens and I'm doing everything right.
Oh well..... after lunch we're popping out to get some shopping etc so I'll see how it goes- bye for now X

The voice of sense..... from me

Came into work today- needed to go get sugar & milk for communal fridge... male collegue sat opposite said:

"I'm starving, haven't had brekkie today, will you get me a brekkie sandwich from Tesco?"

So I said ok- what filling d'ya want...?

"Actually, NO, I don't want one- i'll get porky, leave it!"

(Bearing in mind he's NOT porky and eats very well/ normally/ nutritiously)

At this point, I looked at him and said

"No, you NEED to eat something, your body needs fuel in the morning and it's perfectly ok to have a sandwich for essential energy- you have work to do, you NEED it!"

And another collegue looked at me, gave me the thumbs up, and said

"Too right!! You tell him Sar! That's exactly how it is"

Might sound like a trivial thing but for ME to say that to someone and actually be using that advice myself right now, made me FEEL GOOD!

I got him a sandwich. All's well ;)

Anti-psychotics & peppermint tea.....

..... and I went to bed smiling and feeling VERY happy! We'd had an office curry night last night, to which I went and although things like that cause a massive amount of pre-thoughts and planning, yesterdays particular one I handled totally differently to usual.

I would normally not drive to the restaurant, for start, giving me the option to have some drinks, especially where food and social eating is involved. As someone aptly pointed out AT THE TABLE at our office xmas party 'You don't DO social eating do you?'

I COULD do social eating -if I picked round bits of food, eating practically none of the food put in front of me (I don't know whats in it, floating in suspicious amounts of oil!) and giving everyone else bits of my meal claiming it was offending me and knocking back glasses of anything strong enough for me to get through the meal to the point of the table being cleared and it's OVER.

NOT THE BEST OUTLOOK FOR ENJOYING MY LIFE...

I'd given some thought earlier in the day to this scenario and decided that I could do better than that.... I made the decision to drive there ensuring that 'drinking the food away' would not be possible.

I then analysed the type f food I would choose (was an Indian Restaurant) and how I would make my food choice....? I like most styles of Indian cooking, just get freaked out by what goes in it. There are 2 meats that I hate so much, I could NEVER put near my mouth and that is PORK and LAMB!! That is genuine dislike for the look/ taste and i'm not bothered by that at all- we must all have something we genuinely hate to eat based upon taste/ texture for non-ED reasons!!!

I ordered my favourite naan bread with amonds and sultanas and some chicken tikka and it was BEAUTIFUL!!!! I ate til I felt comfortable, sipped my iced water and listened to them chatting and laughing and just went with the flow.

On my way home I felt soooo good that it'd gone so well. The anxiety set in when I reached the house and I didn't want it to ruin the evening..... I was happy with what I had eaten but the ED voices started picking at me GRRRRRR.... so, I calmly made a big mug of peppermint tea- took my nightly dose of Seroquel and settled in front of TV to chill. I then began to tell my husband about the evening and I realised that, like the evening before, things had gone as I'd have liked and that I could do it if I wanted it enough (ok, a bit of help from mediation last night but AFTER the meal)

I felt so in control but control over something good happening not control in a damaging ED way. Hopefully, this is a real start of learning to live again with the things that have been so much out of control for so long. I know lots more work is needed and it will be hard sometimes but I'm going to keep at it and remember how good it feels to let myself experience being happy, healthy and alive.
AND... off the back of last nights success, I had a conversation with a work collegue this morning all about how tasty the food was and we discussed other restaurants and how we thought the food last night compared AND.. I actually enjoyed that I could feel comfortable and also be honest when I said how tasty it was and how nicer time I'd had... instead of wishing we weren't talking about it because of the things they 'didn't see' long after the meal was over- which unfortunately, sometimes wasn't pretty. A real GOOD, TOP one for me this time :)

CHALLENGE UPDATE: Alcohol + food

This is my fave drink in the world !!!!(my other faves are all flavours of Green Tea and Horlicks) I love this SO much but it does have to be the Pear one (they do winter fruits and some others but this is by far the best!)

Last night, I managed to test out one of my challenges and see how it felt. I'd done a bit of a workout in the afternoon, nothing too much, just felt like I needed to 'wake up' a little so put some good music on and went on the Stationery bike for a bit, shake off the day and all that. So, i'm there cooking dinner, all showered and feeling fresh and looking forward to the meal I was cooking, husband and son had popped to the gym and I thought 'Oooh... I fancy a nice, cold cider over ice'.

Of course, I then set a chain of thought off in my head- the 'should I, shouldn't I' stuff. But I straight away thought back to the post from earlier in the week where I had planned how I could 'enjoy' a drink and how I was going to go about it. So, I got as much ice as I could into my lovely skull shaped, large wine glass, opened a bottle of my lovely cider, which had sat in the fridge for weeks, and poured a glass out.

I sipped it real slow, like I was drinking the holiest, rarest brew on the planet and really TASTED it and savoured it. The 550ml bottle lasted through until after we'd eaten and I loved every sip. Being only 4.5% alcohol I didn't feel whoozy or to the point where I couldn't think clearly, just nicely chilled and refreshed. It also meant that I could still keep my focus on my dinner and eating that without getting my mind all fuzzy due to drinking strong alcohol and totally ruining my meal.

A few thoughts fluttered through my mind about having added extra non-nutritional energy to my overall day and need I have done that but I told myself that it's what I should be able to do, a few times a week, if I enjoy it and that one 550ml fruity cider is NOT excessive or wrong.

The thing is, this is ideally how I would like to be able to enjoy alcohol from now on- as I planned. That way I can still concentrate on getting my proper nutrition with my food AND enjoy my favourite drink without getting too drunk and messing all my good thoughts up in my head.

There is actually deeper issues as regards the 'alcohol + food' interaction but I don't feel ready to write about this yet... I guess I find some of it still very disturbing but for now, I am, once again, proud that I proved to myself I CAN do the things I want/need/like without having to feel guilty or bow down to the ED and feel defeated.

Feeling slightly overwhelmed

...I've had to revise, slightly, my weekly menu's due to trying to take too bigger steps in one go. Here's how it is..... I mentioned in an earlier post about the obsession with numbers- the constant counting of calories to the point of it being every waking thought and influencing everything I do, even in periods of apparent wellness, the counting, although not so restrictive, has always been there. And that was my main aim- to try and find a way to stop that- and I have found a way that seems to be working!! And it feels DAMN GOOD!! Its only been a week and a half and I've come so far in that field, it's just brilliant for me and I'm massively proud of myself, it is a BIG achievement and the most important aspect of my ED behavior that I'd cut my arm off to get rid of. BUT... with this in mind I need to just take care not to try and run too fast with the other stuff, like trying to add in too many foods just because mentally, I think I can handle it off the back of all this 'good vibe' from doing so well. I was planning todays menu last night and getting very flustered over too much choice on my options menu and SHOCK HORROR, one of the foods I'd bought had a sell by date of a few days time- but I couldn't find a way to incorporate into my menu- and I found myself getting incredibly anxious!! SO.... I sat back- and said to myself 'Sar, just cut the menu back to the same as last week; you planned a nutritious variety of foods including protein, fat, carb at every meal and enjoyed every bite, just carry on with that, stay safe and take smaller steps- remember, you've already started to accomplish something that will be life-changing....- why rush and mess it up?'
And I feel MUCH better today for getting it straight in my head. I an't get it all right in a week after years of getting it wrong- the Pancake night was such a sucess and I should be lovin myself for doing so well and not getting stroppy because I can't find a way to add a carton of Oat milk into my menu right now. Stay happy, stay smiley.

OMG I LOVE these!!

Just came across these! I bought a load in New York in 2007 but I have to get them online in UK. Melted in Porridge??? As a quick alternative to actually scooping from seperate jars??? Prob stuffed full of additives though BOO! But, in moderation and all that...

We did the pancakes YAY!!

We had good fun cooking these... I used Pumpkin Seed oil which I got the other night and its so tasty! We also added mixed spice to the batter which included ginger, cinnamon, nutmeg and vanilla and it really worked well. I had a savoury one with Raita yogurt mint dip and some mango chutney + veggie portion, then one with a little white choc spread. Only thing I was bit disappointed with was that mine were really quite small and I should really have tried to eat 'normal' size ones... however, was still a massive step and the first 'Pancake Day' in years where I would have even considered having a bite of one!

Pancake Day Dilemma

I forgot it was Pancake day- my son must have forgot too but one way or another, when a work collegue asked me if I was going to be cooking pancakes tonight for my family, it kinda threw me off track.

On a Tuesday, my hubby is always out doing football and so we never have a family meal together on a Tuesday anyway. I usually use this meal oppurtunity to eat something that I really enjoy that the other pair (hubby & son) don't i.e. fish or veggie burgers.... because I genuinely do love salmon, tuna, quorn etc (not just an ED safe -food thing-anymore). They hate fish. Quorn they will tolerate but prefer not too.

The thoughts that ran through my head in the space of about a minute are as follows:

- 'Max will want pancakes- haven't got any stuff in- I can go get some after work- I don't know what's in them- need a recipe-oooh, what will I have??- I don't want to cook pancakes-will I have pancakes too?- what about my usual meal?- maybe they work with wholewheat flour-NO, why would I want to do that, Max won't like them if I use that- he won't want 'proper' dinner then- he'll just eat sugary pancakes instead and i'll have my usual dinner...No, I should have pancakes too- it's just 2 of us eating tonight and he'd like it if I had them with him....AAArrgghh WHAT TO DO!!!!!'

SO- HERES WHAT I HAVE DECIDED TO DO AND WHY.....

Firstly- I said 'whoa! Stop!' to myself.... then, I had a conversation with myself that went as follows:

'Sar, what would be so bad about having pancakes with your son?'

and mightn't you just know it- bit of an ED reaction from me-

'Because they're a bit scary-fried, greasy pancakes with all that sugar everywhere'.

'OK- Max can have as many as he likes for his meal-Its PANCAKE DAY!- you join him- make a couple for YOU- one small savoury with hummus etc served with some grilles veggies and then one sweet one, not too big, with some of that delicious white chocolate spread on it, then you've had a normal, balanced meal as you should have ANYWAY'..... And that settled it for me. I'll let you know the outcome tonight but this needed to be put in place Grrrrr !!ED must be CHALLENGED AND BEATEN!

Buying too much or too little at the supermarket

It’s food shop tonight and it always manages to turn into a bit of a lark about (if my son decides to grace us with his assistance in trolley dashing thru the aisles) which is kinda good as it’s something that can be a bit of a bind, especially when it’s busy! Being a bit of a ‘list’ person, I’m always armed with a post-it note of ‘definate purchases’ and unlike my dear husband, DO NOT buy things because I will get 10 free ones if I buy 1 (he likes a bargain but its rarely stuff any of us are EVER going to eat).
And anyway, I was thinking about how I tend to get my knickers in a twist over something really quite silly…. I was thinking about how I get so anxious having either too much or too little of a certain food item(s) in the house. E.g. I like to have enough of the things I will eat but NEVER too much- its like if I buy it and then don’t eat it, it will be such a waste… but if I don’t get it and then next day, really want that thing, I’ll be cross at myself for not getting it…. And I began thinking how really very silly that it, REALLYY… I guess it’s a learned behavior and a proper ED trait that still hangs on. I sometimes think that if there is very minimal choice, I won’t have to make a decision about what to choose… So I have decided to CHALLENGE IT (Wa-hey, another one!) and meet myself halfway…. I’ll get a bit of variety but small amounts of it and if a few blueberries end up in the bin cos they’ve gone soggy, it’s NOT a problem!! Also, instead of rigidly saying to myself ‘ Tomorrow, I eat this, this this..’ I’m gonna think ‘Tomorrow, I’ll see what I fancy when I wake up and take it from there’. And then go and spend too much time flapping over what colour boots to wear LOL!!!

This is gonna taste of heaven....

How exiting.....! This arrived today and having had a little dip in the jar, it was worth the wait. The main ingredient is White chocolate (25%) which is better than other ones I've seen. It has little black specs of vanilla in and smells wonderful! I shall melt this into my porridge oats for a delicious brekkie!!

http://www.getthereal.info/

I came across this- it's good, sensible, healthy attitude promoting stuff- which I love. I like to read this now and again, makes me feel good, helps put good thoughts back in!

I feel a need for another small change......

I need to sort out what I’m going to do as regards my ‘alcohol’ use- it’s been such a successful week for me on the Eating side as regards sticking to my menu and not measuring everything and the biggest one of all- not counting every calorie that comes near me- I can’t actually believe I’ve been able to manage to do that and I’m so proud of myself. I have stuck exactly to eating my meals and snacks and even though it can take a long time to get through even a sandwich, its been worth it!! I’ve even included a couple of foods that I would normally avoid for the sake of anxiety, like putting hummus on my sandwich where I could have left the bread dry- I just kept thinking that it was only myself I’d be cheating and repeating in my head that I NEED a balance of different foods… I’ve noticed as well as my other OCD related behaviors have decreased this week and how my mind has felt more calm and free-ed up from constantly adding numbers- its been great, I shall keep it up!!! Sooooo…. This ‘alcohol’ thing…. Its always been a funny relationship between myself and the demon drink!!!! I’ve never had an addiction to the stuff, just always chosen to drink it. The worst thing I did was to drink too much when trying to recover to a healthy weight and I kinda used it to numb the anger and the pain I felt from having to eat and I should have known better (I did know better, I guess I just wanted to be doing what everyone ‘normal’ was doing and fit back in…duh!) Problem now is that I’m trying so hard with the food thing, when I go out on the town and party like we did on Saturday night, I end up drinking too much ( I choose high content liquors with diet mixers when I actually like cider- hmmmmm ) then not being able to think properly or function ok next day, not to mention it then messing up my food choices due to a bad tummy. I DO NOT NEED THIS RIGHT NOW….. However, what I plan to do is incorporate it in a ‘healthy, normal’ way. It makes sense that with my lifestyle, it would be crazy to just say ‘never again, that’s it’ because I do enjoy a drink. Its different to choosing foods in way of having no nutritional value (or very little that’s gonna make me healthy) By the way- I usually don’t have anything all week until we go out on a Thursday with my parents, and then Fridays and Saturdays we usually go out for food and/ or drinks socially rest of week and Sundays I don’t drink anyway.
My aim for the next week, as regards the A word is this:

Don’t drink what I don’t fancy just because it is Low calorie- if going to bother, enjoy what I have- choose Koppaberg and make it last- enjoy the taste. Same as food- have it because I LIKE the taste and the experience of having it.

DO NOT feel guilty that I am adding in uneeded calories into my meal plans. In moderation, just like ANY type of food, it is perfectly ‘normal’ to have a glass with my evening meal.

Don’t drink to the point of being drunk- I found myself forcing it down at the weekend because others expected me to be drunk (was a birthday night out). Have more self love and do what I know is right FOR ME.

Remember that the feeling of being nourished and healthy is 100 times better than waking up feeling ill and not being able to eat right- I love to get up, go out and do things and hate to lay around in my PJ’s feeling sick just because I drank too much- this isn’t how I want to spend my Sundays and mess up my good week.

Socialising is more fun when I can remember conversations and laugh at other people who are very drunk- I have enough about me as a person to not need to drink in order to have a good time…. I used to believe that this was true…. Its NOT. It never has been, I love chatting to people and socializing and manage to do this all day long without being totally hammered.

I will review this over time and see what I learn from it…. See what works. Right, I’m off now and am looking forward to this week. I’m waiting for an order of Larabars and some Bakers & Larners Vanilla White choc spread to arrive and am getting exited about ways to get them into my menu’s daily! I find it fun as well as extremely scary but I know it will be towards having a better quality of life by not living by ED’s rules as I unfortunately have let happen for too long. I think ED rules were one of the few rules that WERE MADE TO BE BROKEN…. Completely.

Foods Wot I love

Flapjack OMG For the moist, buttery taste and feel and my mouth... a true long-standing fave

White Chocolate Must be milky bar, dessert pots- icecream- THE BAR-melted on flapjack! (I've never done that... yet!)

Horlicks This is a truly under-rated beverage that I miss so badly (got to get this back in for bedtime bevvy- its SOOOO good!)

Peanut Butter I love this stuff spread on toast with white choc spread. This is a recent achievement for me to have got it back into my daily menu

Alpro Soya Milk (longife in a carton is best) I drink this with lunch sandwich and on my cereal and is one of the best tastes EVER!!! I LOVE ALPRO SOYA EVERYTHING!!!

Hoummous Again, bit of a struggle with this (Bloody E.D. tut tut) BUT... I have had it on my sandwiches EVERY day this week. Healthy, tasty and versatile

There are many more, I love Miracle Bars, Larabars, Trek etc. Wholefood bars which I SOOOO look forward to as my 11am snack at work. My challenge is to successfully incorporate these back into my menu plans and feel GOOD with it..... challenge the voices- remember I'm worth it, I'm worth it,I'm worth it ( I was always 'Worth it',ED just makes me forget sometimes)

AND.... ME!!

I seem to ALWAYS have this 'pose' in any photo of me..... its ALWAYS a rose wine in my right hand with a look of 'cheers!' about it... however... I look happy and I like that. Its good to smile (while sipping wine!)

The Oatie Queen.......

I got this rather lovely nickname in the hospital relating to our evening snacktime when we were required to choose 2 biscuits to eat with our Horlicks drink..... there was always a limited supply of Oatie bics and we were encouraged to have variety. I discovered a 'supply' meant for use by other patients (it had addiction patients etc too) and would ensure each evening that we all had at least ONE Oatie bic each to keep it fair...... Oh, the little things.

My Story AND a bit more about ME!

I live in England with my husband and 12 year old son. I have long history of battling Eating Disorders, depression, self harm and also have diagnosis of Borderline Personality disorder and various other 'fantastic-NOT' labels, which I've learnt to use to my advantage as regards challenging them and not using them as excuses for messing up life, even though the afore mentioned have impacted greatly on just about everything so far. More about that later- what I DO have that I would never have thought possible is a beautiful son and supportive husband whom make it worth staying alive for, only now I don't just want to 'stay alive'- I want to 'LIVE'.

I'm a bit of a random type really, up until now, I would describe myself as the sort of person who is inconsistent in all aspects, impulsive, unpredictable, very loving and kind and sensitive and also a totally child-like, totally out-of-control, very needy and very lost- although I do give out super advice to others lots of the time (when they ask!)

In short, after my most recent in-patient stay for ED's (which I like to call FEDS- F standing for the obvious- and no punn intended on the FED- food thing LOL!) I have battled more than ever with the hellish pain of recovery weight gain and associated destructive behaviors that I indulged in as a way of dealing with that. And i've got to the point where it's just not acceptable anymore... for me. There has to be more than continually going round in great big endless circles of recovery- relapse- addiction blah blah....... with a few healthy episodes in between, short-lived and half-hearted..... inspired by a blog I started reading, I would like to be able to share and record the road to real life and hopefully be supportive, get support and have fun doing so.

I will probably talk a lot about my food- my meal choices- how it makes me feel- why it makes me feel and what I'm gonna do about it, more importantly. My aims are to ensure I eat because I deserve to and I need to and the choices I make as regards what to eat. So any support, input is gladly welcome- I can rant a lot and I can talk a lot of sense so expect a variety of very differing tones in my posts, Jekyll and Hyde style. Here goes........!! :0