Je n'ai rien et tout pour dire...

Just thoughts floating round my head, creating an alternate world, an unreachable idealistic place that doesn't really exist and wouldn't ever happen and if it did, I want to be somewhere/ someone else anyway...I love France and the French culture and their clothes-style and their lifestyle and the language and their accents and the cheeses and wines and fancy breads . I want to live in a small coastal town in France, in a pretty, narrow, cobbled street. With the aroma of fresh baked croissants and strong black coffee, in the early morning air. I want a French bicycle with a basket, or just an old, large wheeled, slightly rusty, black bicycle and I want to ride to the market, in my floral dress and fill my basket with fresh produce- vegetables, fruits, fine cheese, quality wine, fresh flowers.

I love France. Many holidays in France as a child. With family, with school. Husband hates France and the French; he's never been there.

Too much going on to write anything.

I could talk for hours but I'm choosing to stay silent.

I'm very worried BUT calmly accepting the anxiety, fed by a very REAL source.

Just some health fuck-ups. Maybe they're not as bad as I imagine or maybe they're worse.

I can't write, currently, as I don't know how to feel, so I've put my feelings on hold and consequently can't write. But I AM happy. IAM HAPPY and I'm SMILING.

It's not the ED. It's about something bigger than that

Bien Vivre

L'amour beaucoup,

De rire souvent!

What's their problems with 'AGE & BIRTHDAYS??'

This is something that I would put down as one of my biggest bug-bears!

I actually find myself boiling up over this and yet, people poking fun at each other for being 'nearly 40' 'or 'getting too old' or 'another year down the pan' is all I hear whenever one of our friends has a birthday. AAARRGGHH!!

Maybe I am just being a litte too deep over this. I guess due to the lifestyle I have and have had, partially due to choice, partially down to ED, I believe I have had my fair share of luck in a many ways, as regards my health and illness and for that, I am VERY grateful!! Yes, the ED curse has shaped and affected and grey-tinted my world and the way I live and, is going to be a continuous battle in order to stay well BUT for everything else on the health front, I need to realise that I AM someone, who has not incurred serious illness or disability during my life so far.

I have done some terrible things to myself, as a result of mental ill-health. I have put my body under enormous stress and I have experienced some dreadful mental illnesses and my family have had to deal with all that too. But I am still here.

It's my 33rd birthday on Saturday and I, like every year, am thankful and delighted that I am alive and (touch wood) healthy.

Why would I groan or complain that I have reached another birthday? Would I have rather been one of the unfortunate who lost their life during this passed year? No. Would I have rather died and not been able to carry on living and being with my family? No. Is there things I still want to do in life, places I want to see? Do I want to watch my son grow up and be there for him? Do I want to be a granny with tattoos? Yes. Do I want to hide my husbands false teeth while he's asleep for a laugh? Yes. Do I want to be retired and sit in the garden sipping wine, havin a fag, chatting up the 'young gardener lad' ? YES!

Ok, none of us want to experience age-related illnesses and losing our memories or having any of the problems that can occur as a result of 'getting old'.

But those things don't always happen.

Just like when we're young or middle aged. Some people die, maybe they were a friend or a family member. Maybe someone who lived next door, someone at work, someone you used to go to school with, the young lady who worked on the ciggie counter in Tesco... maybe they were in a tragic accident... contracted cancer, had an un-detected heart condition... whatever it was, however old they were, 12, 21, 51.... they aren't here NOW and won't be here again- and that makes me sad. And makes me wonder why it's such a joke to be another year older, when to me, it's an honor.

Sorry if this offends anyone... It's something I have very strong feelings about... as you now know. Xx

Sod Prozac- dose of seaside where it's at

Sings... 'Oh, I do love to be beside the seaside....'

And I do. Well, at least MY seaside, which is Swanage Bay. It's our family weekend get-away that never fails to enduce smiles on all our faces all at the same time and fully refreshes and revives us, however crap the previous week/ month has been.

We pretty much do the same stuff everytime we go and it's always as good as the time before.

It's become our 'special' family place and this time was, as usual, fantastic. I was going to ramble on a lot about holidays past and present as I have a lot to share but I will save that for another time, as I feel really happy for seeing these pics and don't want to ruin that right now. So, here is a couple of weekend pics of us doing what we love most.

This is my son Max, in the beer garden of a local pub 'The Red Lion' where mostly, it seems, the locals drink. We sat sipping cider, people watching and chatting and feeling the 'whooze' of a 5 o'clock half pint, with salty lips and wind-blown tangled sea -hair and colour in our cheeks from exposure to the goodness of all that is 'seaside'.

Check this out for a beautiful morning sun glow! It was the best feeling in the world to be stood there, no wind- warm sun, smell of sea salt and fish&chips and sound of light waves breaking. Was truly heavenly!

This is Max and I at Old Harry Rocks. Just behind where I'm positioned, is a very narrow piece of cliff that is extremely dangerous. You can walk along it but few people do, as the drop either side is straight down vertical into the sea. I was genuinely terrified to even sit on the grass for this pic although the views and the rocks are beautiful, they're white chalk and the sea below is very blue and clear.

Swanage Bay pier late evening time.

Max on Weymouth Beach, after the pedaloes and much needing ice-cream for re-fuel- kids!!!!

This is a view from a cliff by Durdle Door, near Lulworth Cove. Just spectacular.

Me & hubby in Lulworth Cove, chilling, enjoying the fact we were back at our place where we all connect as a family, make each other laugh and somehow seem to all be on the same wavelength and just get such a lot out of 'being in each others company'.

Weekends like this are truly special and I find them a great aid in getting things into perspective. The trick is, holding onto that when they're over. Xx

2 posts today! This ones fun though!!!

Very quick post here while i'm having my lunch at work... I know I posted early today but I just had a lovely little thing happen...
I just popped over the road, to go get ciggies & a drink on my lunch break. I've been calling in the green grocer next to the newsagents and buying little punnets of blueberries to go with my usual sandwich at lunchtime and they're absolutely delicious! So ripe and tasty from there, not like the ones from the supermarket. It's always the same lady in there, with her old fashioned brown over coat, like they used to wear in green grocers before everything became modern and clinical and she counts your change out back into your hand and wraps your goods in a brown paper bag and swings it at the edges to twist it sealed.
Well, today she said to me 'Oh hello... you came in yesterday for blueberries? Do you like our blueberries?'
And I proceeded to tell her how I love them with my sarnie and that they are so lovely from here and she'll probably see me everyday. And somehow, it made me feel nice- like maybe every day, I'll have a quick conversation with her and if I miss a day, the next time I go in, we'll joke about 'how I didn't go in yesterday as I'd got some apples that needed eating' or whatever!

I just felt happy she'd remembered me, like, I'm not invisible and sometimes people aren't caught up enough in the rat-race of business and making-money and all that, to just take your money and not look at you or have any desire to possibly want a conversation.
I just wanted to share that.

However...when I'd sat back down at my desk with my sarnie & blueberries on my plate, I discovered i'd put Marmite in with my peanut butter and white cabbage and I can confirm (haven eaten it all anyway) that blueberries and Marmite DO NOT GO WELL... just in case anyone would have reason to think otherwise ;)

frustration-loved ones-arguements-Hmmmm...answer is?

Hey, I had a thought (again)...

Non-disordered eating people (does that even sound right?) who are 'under-weight' for example, like the people on that programme Supersize V Superskinny, they live 'normal' lives due to the fact that they aren't mentally unwell, with food issues.
So- if I'm beating the ED and constantly working at finding ways to help myself and make things good, stay well, does it really matter that i'm hovering about at the lower end of the ideal weight range, so long as I'm considered healthy and have no health problems relating to weight? Does it REALLY matter or is it more essential that my mind stays focused on keeping irrational ED dictations out of the picture?
I'm a little cross/ frustrated with someone, right now, a person in my life, who has made it clear they don't like that I have a few boney bits.....
Now, my arguement here, is this (was this, unfortunately and I HATE to argue about this subject):

Ok, I may have a few boney bits- and so???
Well, it's not very nice.
Sorry you don't like it, I'm at a healthy weight
But you look as though you aren't
What do you want me to do? Put some more weight on, even though i'm in the healthy range, just because you don't like my bony bits?
Yes
But that will cause a lot of anxiety, to try and gain some weight, when I've just managed to put in place a method of eating meals and snacks and including lots of different foods and keep my weight stable and feel happy and well and better than in years?
Yes, because you'd look a bit better
But no-one else seems to have a problem with the way I look and so what if they do? I see people who I believe to be 'too skinny' or 'too fat' and I don't have a problem with it, so long as they're happy with how they look. Why would I? AND, if I were concerned about a 'friend' as I thought they looked unwell, I would ask them how they are, if things are ok and how's it going... especially if I knew they'd been unwell in the past...
People aren't honest... no-one would say anything to you
Well, I can't control what other people do or think. It matters to me how I feel and how I know I am. Anyone who cares enough or who is close to me, those who matter, will not have a problem with the way I look, I already communicate with people around me about my insecurities about food and past ED history, a few people at work, my family and closest friend- by sharing this with them, it helps to keep me well- so the fact I'm quite open about my struggles means that they can ask me how i'm doing and not feel that they're being nosey
But you're too skinny....
I don't like you saying that- it's about more than that- I'm doing well, I'm not going to become ill and if I did, it's got nothing to do with the way I look now- I could be ten or eleven stone and deep into a cycle of binge eating/ vomiting/ abusing alcohol and severley depressed but would it be ok that I 'look' healthy- hey, I may even have 'fat' bits that you don't like...
I'd like them better than your bony bits...
But it's about my 'health' not the way I look- my physical and mental health- and I'm doing ok, I'm having the usual issues that I've always had, but I'm doing better than in along time...
But I think your too thin...

Can you see how this might have continued round in circles. It's hard as I need this person on my side- with me. Telling me how proud they are of me for making the decision to try and help myself, keeping the ED under control. To see the bigger picture and that the glass is half full here. One of the reasons I decided to start blogging was to record how things are going, get advice, give advice and to be honest with myself and share my progress & problems. Surely that's not the way a person who wants to let their eating disorder run away with their life would go about things?
I know loved ones find it difficult. But I do need them to listen to me and know that I will and do ask for help when I'm struggling and in the meantime, lets just enjoy ourselves.

The truth is out

I am caught in an far- more -than- usual erratic string of thoughts.
It has been this way for several days now.
It's not good or bad, just unsettling and means it's hard for me to write anything here.
Too many jumps in emotions. Or too quickly. Or both.

Ok- this is this the 'thing'. And I don't like to validate the way I feel emotionally to how I am physically but I know EXACTLY what my issue is now:
Currently, I'm around a body weight where i'm still 'healthy' but only just. And I mean from a medical proffesional chart type of thing. Were I to actually have a BMI calculated, it would be in the healthy range but a couple of pounds down would be too low.
I'm happy with how I feel, look, the way my clothes fit, the way I feel physically, the type- frequency and amount of food I consume, my social eating is going ok (it's better than in a long time)... So...
WHATS THE FUCKING PROBLEM?....

Surely this would be everything I need to just carry on living and flapping about with the every day stuff- work, needing to go buy make-up, have I called my mom in days????

Problem is: l'm not used to functioning normally at my current physical status.

There. I said it. And this is what it means:

Whenever I have gone rapidly downhill ED & depression wise, in the past, it has always been at around this stage. Now, this time it's different.
I'm the way I am now from cutting back on drinking alcohol all the bloody time.
I'm the way I am now from doing some exercise.
I'm the way I am now from eating a wide range of foods from all different food groups and not 'binging on protein' or 'getting stuffed on vegetables' or eating 20 diet yogurts in a day.
I'm the way I am now without being terribly depressed, out of control, abusing alcohol, hurting my family.
I am the way I am now and holding down my job, looking after my family, having fun and living a nice life.

I have linked, in my head, that being physically, as I am now, with being in a pretty bad Eating Disorder place.
And this is why my mood jumps are so frequent lately. When I'm at work or having fun or enjoying time with my family, I am the strong, confident happy person that is Sar. This is where I believe I am REALLY- deep down, I am still this Sar and NOT the 'ED' Sar.
When I'm tired or having a down day or out somewhere I don't want to be, I am hunched up, hands in sleeves, looking afraid and skinny and holding myself as I did deep in the ED- checking for 'bones', room in jeans, measuring arms with hands and portraying myself as though I would rather be invisible. But this isn't where I am mentally. I can just slip in and out of this, like a spoiled child, when it's all too much- an escape route, a trap door.

And I guess that last line sums it up. I'm in a very safe but very dangerous place. It's up to me to stay on the safe side as that is what I want for myself. But i'm close enough to the bad place that if 'need strikes', I'm within reach of the deadly crutch.

And maybe that is why I'm so far from full recovery but so far from being ill.

I posted here, a while ago, about this subject but couldn't put my finger on why I am stuck in this place. Now, it's quite clear.

I won't accept full recovery but won't allow myself to be ill.

And now I have some thinking to do. Input anyone?

Lastly and totally off subject...
I took this picture last week, before I came into work one morning. I was early and went for a wander...This church is at the back of where my office is and I hardley ever go over. It was so beautiful and peaceful, I wanted to freeze time and just stand there... it was perfect. And even my shitty camera phone managed to do it justice. ;)

Brief self- review

Since yesterday, when I couldn't really get in tune with myself, I thought I should review where I'm at with things and what i'm going to do to ensure that I keep heading in the direction of what i'm trying to achieve here, which was to find a safe, healthy, fun and forefilling way to live without the ED crutch. I seem to have temporarily lost sight of that...

It was going well. It still is- just over the last week or so, a slight rebellious streak has set in. A couple of minor setbacks have occured since I started writing on my blog and I managed to shake them off and carry on battling. Then, another couple of minor slips and I'm feeling a little like I've lost my focus and started being less kind to myself than I should be. And I don't want that.

I'm just not entirely sure where to start.

As regards the food issues...
I've completely overwhelmed and confused myself by trying to be too creative and colourful with my new food ideas ,introducing items that I would like to eat without any problem but then finding that it wasn't as easy and straightforward as I'd hoped and getting my head into a tangle over it. I just need to slow right down with all that and realise that it's not a bad thing or a set back to not be able to do that right now- I've established a daily menu template that ensures I eat a balanced breakfast, snacks and lunch and cook a meal for the family's evening meal. And I've successfully implemented this into my daily life.
This has taken away a hell of a lot of the anxiety and wasted time in a day that used to occur and that is a big achievement for me. I've just been trying too hard with this one and losing sight of the fact that I'm already doing well. I should stop punishing myself for messing up, when really I haven't messed up and feel good about myself for the way i've turned things round to help myself have a more stable footing with my meals.
I think i'll leave it here for today. I can see that I need to step back a bit and just live in the now, for what it is, at the level i'm at and not try and jump over any higher walls than I need to. I need to be comfortable and happy at the place i'm at before I try and get to the next, better place.
And I need to have a talk with some people close to me and get some feedback and assistance so I can head into the near future and continue to keep it ticking along.

Away with the fairies

So glad it's halfway through the week... feeling a little 'floaty' today.

I feel a bit detatched, kind of like, there's nowhere I really want to be today; It's hard to explain- maybe I'm just needing to do something out of routine to shake myself up a bit. I don't even know if i'm happy; i'm a bit emotionless and empty, like I have no opinions or cares about much- I don't like it though. What I hate most, is how every day is so different as regards my moods, attitudes and outlook yet every day is pretty much exactly the same as regards it's content and events. Stability might be nice- (I think- don't know)

So, will veer off with a casual little thought that I had about footwear!

I love these boots (pic- it's a bad quality pic!)

I got the Doc Martens WITH A HEEL in January- I saw them and instantly had to go buy them. They're patent shiny black and SOOOO comfortable. And I can get away with them for work, under my trousers. I wear them 'victorian' style with long floaty skirts too. But I have to be in the right sort of mind-set to wear this look- it's more 'grown-up than my usual attire, in which I often end up looking like a hormonal, rebellious teenager with issues.



The other boots are made by a company called 'New Rock'.

I got these for christmas and they are also my top, top, top favourite boots in the world!! They have a steel heel and are very comfortable also. But only for going out or after-dark occasions.

Unlike clothes, footwear is usually JUST footwear. My feet are always going to be the same size regardless of how many apples or suet puddings I eat and I have no 'measurement' hang-ups with footwear, it's impossible, which is GOOD!

Only hang-up I can link to footwear is when I believe that the style of the footwear 'makes my legs look chunky'.

Which may well be true- as regards whether they are ankle boots or flat trainers etc. That can give the illusion of a person being shorter or taller and having a different posture to another pair of shoes. I won't put certain footwear with certain clothing items for that reason. And people DO notice- they'll say 'Gosh, you're really short!' Which i'm not.



I like it when I see someone in footwear I wouldn't expect them to have on. I could explain that one further but feel it might be just a little to 'deep' really, when i'm delving into 'footwear pyschology'- and, I daresay, not neccessary! Xx