The Fight against Evil

It's wearing me out, battering the life out of me, a little more each day. I wake up weaker, find it in me to be srtonger then end the day feeling like I've been sucked a little drier.
Last night was bad.
Just the sight of the food they'd cooked me, pathetically sat there- the 4 oven chips, 2 limp undercooked vege fingers and what looked like a mountain of sweetcorn & peas on my less-than-dinner-sized plate, boiled an anger and rage within me that I thought I would tear my own limbs from my body before even being able to sit down at the informal breakfast bar evening meal location, in my own messy kitchen with Kerrang Radio blarrin' out in the background.
I actually believed there and then, I would slip into a coma of anger and despair the second I picked up a forkfull.
I will spare the detail of the next painful half hour where the thing that saddens me most was my son leaving the kitchen with a nervous smile and jokey over-tones in his comments that he was gonna go watch some TV or somethin' and leave me & hubby to 'bickle at each other' or words to that effect.
I manged half of that meal, washed down with soda & polite sips of Ameretto over ice.
Then the pain set in for real.
Hubby got my meds, far earlier than usual, cancelled the regular Monday night supermarket run (which I don't go along to anymore) and sat with me while I was shaking, crying and totally overwhelmed with what just happened.
It all came out.... I explained over and over that the evil that is in me, isn't an eating disorder- it's a raging evil that is coped-with with the ED.
It is coped with by starving.
It is coped with by drinking (sometimes), by shopping, by going to work everyday and putting 110% into my job.
When i'm a normal to above normal body mass, it is coped with by all the above, including bouts of self-harm out of frustration, by over-partying- I could go on but the point is, as I explained to him- I simply have to 'cope' in some way because this evil- this goddamn evil inside me NEVER goes away, no matter how well I look, how well I functon, how well I convince myself and the world that I'm ok.
And that's why I feel like I have lost the fight again.
Nothing ever changes. Years go by and I hope I am ok (I know i'm not). Less help becomes available because I never get 'cured' and no-one can ever find a way to help me for good. So I get through on the basis that I 'look' ok and function.
I can't do that anymore..... the thought (the thought i've had for too long now) that I could spend the rest of my life fighting this, depresses more than I can deal with anymore.
And although lack of food, is NOT the answer, it is the only thing right now that can dampen the pain. As hubby told me 'then they'll blame you feeling this way on the anorexia and treat you for that and not help you with the 'evil' you keep on about'
I know what he means.
But right now, I just don't know what to do next.
Appointment with new therapist on Thursday.
Someone out there must know something..... MUST know a way out. Please share with me. Please help me.
I'm not mad. But i'm getting there.

its real, its REAL, oh the misery- i'll die laughin, never!

Am back. Never been away. Here.... but just simmering.
Strange how I could tell tales of my successes these last few months; impress you with my achievements, my new job, the friends I've made there, the way I've coped with the harsh reality shit that gets slung at you day in day out- all the positives and the happies and the smilies. Yet, for every bad time, for every fuck up and every very very deeply fucked up ED related piece of crap that weaves itself into my good times- I have very little success to report.

See, I kinda hoped like hell when I started this blog that I would somehow lightly bounce my way to certain recovery with a princess smiledoning ruby slippers and a sweet basket full of organic veggies and gluten free cup cakes, swinging merrily by my side while I smiled my pearly yellows with a sneaky fag behind my back and no knickers on as I waltzed down that yellow sick road..... didnEE happen..... f'in surprise Dorothy. IT DON'T.

So now I am still here, desperatly seeking therapy for no reason other than I need to do something. Holding down my job and work friends who can't possibly picture the monster I turn into on evening's and weekends when it kicks in that I am Borderline too much to let anyone know just how bad it is but ED'd outta my head enough to starve-drink-vomit- kill myself every single Friday and Saturday night.

I live somewhere where there is no reality.

I am in a place that hurts so bad, I actually can't think how I'm still here.

But manage to somehow blag a life due to my impressively perfected BPD that has allowed me to swap in and out of the little worlds I exist in and convince just about everyone that isn't unfortunate to have married me/ lived with me/ slept in my bed for more than an hour to believe that I am happy, smiley fuckin-sometimes -goddamn -witty little me who is (elbow in ribs and a wink-) such a wicked laugh!!!!!!

I am dying here. I am suffering and wasting and I am broken. I am also functioning, happy and fit n healthy.

How the fuck do I know whats real???? The end of the world, the bottom of the pit, is non-existent, after a good nights sleep and a day at work. I am many people. And this is the problem.

Anorexia is no longer allowed round here.

Which means everythin else is allowed.

To stay on the edge.

And that means EVERYTHIN'.

And however much hell n destruction is brought on by that cocktail of 'alternatives'...

The thing I can't have.... will poke it's dirty fingers into every other corner of my otherwise non-planned out week (i'e. the hours when I not at work).

And so............. I is livin' in hell. And doin' a damn good job of it! ;)

Web sites/boards for ED's?

I was just thinking about the different sites I have visited or become members of, over the last 5-6 years, in relation to Eating Disorders and Mental Health issues... It's probably quite a lot!

I don't really use them much, I'm more of your 'secret browser' type who lingers about, just reading posts that catch my eye- I've never really 'got into' being a part of any of them. Not purposely, just always felt un-worthy of them or totally above them- good old black and white thinking, just for a change!

There is a particular one (won't mention names) that I have been a member of for over 5 years now, that I still log onto almost daily. It is definately NOT pro-ana, although a great many people that are members of this site have been there longer than me and are mostly deep in ED dominated lives. I used to find this site terribly fascinating and would sit logged on for hours at a time, bemused by the subjects that were up for 'discussion'. I think I posted twice ever on this site and didn't much like the reaction I got to whatever it was I posted about. I log onto it now out of general nosiness, I suppose, and because it's been that many years, I almost feel like I know some of these people, even though they wouldn't have a clue who I am even on a username basis. They post pics, write diaries and talk about their lives and food, really positive, real stuff mostly. But then there is your share of who's eaten what and thrown it up too!

Allsorts.

I used to feel quite jealous that I couldn't seem to get involved as much as many of them... sometimes I had good advice based on my experiences or had input I could have given to help someone but I just couldn't seem to join in, no matter how many hours I hung around reading. Some people seem 'to' into them to me. Like, 'how can they be getting on with their lives and trying to recover if they're forever bloody posting on here?'. I know the desperation and depression and dis-attachment that ED's can bring about and it was probably one of the places they felt happiest and among those that understand, when trapped in a world that just can't seem to help or give you what's needed (hell knows you don't know yourself!) I think maybe I was just TO depressed and past caring to have the energy to get involved, rather selfishly speaking- !!! I like this blogging lark better... it's kinda like talking to yourself too, a lot of the time for me, anyway. And an immediate response is un-important, or indeed, any response. It's just nice to vent (smile face)

And anyway.... I was thinking to myself, how at different stages of my ED, the different things I got out of sites such as these... and how when I was a teenager, trapped in a world of ED's and not really understanding why or how it happened to me or what I was going to do about it.... and what the fuck I did before the world wide web.

Feeding time ticks on

Haha... ok, still here:) Will take me some time to set my other blog up and frankly, my concentration levels are crap right now; to sit down and put something decent together will mean I need a day to myself and have absolutely NOTHING else to do... but I will get it done.
I feel a whole lot stronger for having put my foot down as regards letting other people talk me into having a problem with ED all over again. I quite like where I am right now, in my head. I will, of course, change my tune completely over the course of the next few days/ weeks but that be of little surprise!!
However......... I think that maybe if I pay attention to the other area's of my mental health, it may be more beneficial to me overall. I'm just TOOOOO Borderline lately and a little OCD. It's strange, though, as I just function SO efficiently with my little rituals, my constant writing things down, my tick boxes and all that... hey, why would I want to chill and def doing all that when it enables me to be so useful???? Joking aside, that stuff can be a little OTT but at least I have recognition of it. It's like every other dimension of my mental health currently- is not bad enough to worry about and not near normal enough to forget. But I'm cool and I'm smiling and always aware...... XX

Brick wall or climb over into life...

Before I started this blog, I had been very mentally messed up for at least 4 years previous, probably more.
No-one really knew the depth of it, maybe they did, doesn’t matter- things were BAD. Until the last 7-8 months. I challenged myself to make real progress ED and mental health wise.
I lost some weight- gradually, steadily and healthily, by eating well and drinking less alcohol. It worked- I lost the excess pounds from my initial anorexia recovery weight gain. And now I feel physically super! I’m happy with my body, the way I look and I eat a proper diet with adequate calories.

Alarm bells are, however, ringing in the ears of some others in my life.
This seems to be
a problem for THEM.

So, I’m compliant and eager to let them know things are going well… Yes, I’ll agree to get some checks done, just to keep on top of it.
Ok, so say I go to see my doc and we get my BMI measured to start…
Based on my calculations with a UK Official Health Chart, even if I’m a few pounds lighter than what I believe I actually am right now, I’ll still be in the ‘Normal’ range.
So the doc asks me how stuff is…. It’s great, life’s good and much better than the past 4 years. I’m happy at work, at home and in general.
I do moderate exercise, every now and then.
I feel generally healthy and my female system is working ok (although I have got some related issues, nothing to do with the ED, on that front- woman’s stuff!) I have enough of a body-fat percentage to produce hormones. If it comes about that I don’t, I will work with medical to people and sort it out. I want to be healthy.
My depression and mental health is stable, my outlook- very positive- My communication with my family when I have an off day- very good. I smile, I have energy, I love my life.
I go out for meals with my family and friends, I enjoy it very much. My range of foods has broadened and I’m not so afraid of eating things I would never have allowed myself before, going back even more years than the active-eating disorder.

I believe I will always have ED related issues for the foreseeable future.
One day, maybe something will click and I’ll let go completely. I believe that day will come and hope very much that it does.
Time is precious and I can sit around waiting for that day. Or I can do what I’m doing now- getting on with life, ensuring that I keep myself healthy, happy and challenging hiccups with eating issues that I would like to try and iron out, chip away at the many parts that make up my ED and slowly, carefully and thoroughly erase them from my life. As I’m doing now.
I need to be treated as the person that I am. Not as the person I was 4 years ago. I may be far from recovered but I’m far from ill.
Don’t take me for a child-like imbecile.
Be honest. Don’t conspire behind my back. Give me back what I give you- ask MY opinion, listen to me, understand what I say, what I mean, give me some credit.
I want the same as you- and so far, I’m doing a good job at getting it.
Don’t ruin it. Life is too short.
I have other interests in my life- things I want to do- things I already do, and am going to link a new blog, devoted to those activities and share what I love doing, what I’m good at and what my life is about and what I’m going to make it about.
I have ‘shared’ the ED and feel no need to share any further. I believe, for now, I have come as far as I can and am happy with the place I am at.
I will come back to this blog periodically but am going to work on setting up my new blog, my writing, my other life that exists outside of food issues.
Thank You.
Sar. xx

ED and MY HAIR!!!???? Read this!

OMG!!!!



I've just had a sudden chain of thoughts, sparked off in the strangest way but has just been an eye opener and a real useful realisation for me in way of understanding my ED and the way my brain works...

Here goes....a lovely girl who I work with a couple of days a week and I, have just been having a conversation about hairstyles and hairdressers as I went to get a haircut yesterday afternoon.

Now, there is a bit of a story that goes along with my hair. I have, for years and years, had really long hair, usually with no particular style, just lots of colour and bleach!

Then, last year, I had what I considered to be a DISASTER with a decision I made about getting a haircolour done and ended up having to have A LOT stuff done to it that I really had no choice over and went from having hair that I loved to a tangled load of long, dry, brittle, broken, split, almost black witch-like hair. (due to the mess that was made of the colour, black was the only way to cover it up)

I really, really got into a terrible state about it and for weeks, wore a hat constantly- I wouldn't even let my husband see my hair as I felt as though I was the ugliest thing that ever walked (honestly, I really did).

Even then, I refused to get it cut or done into a style that would have helped the way it looked, as the thing that mattered to me most, even after all the mess, was the length of my hair. I didn't care that it was shit hair- to me, the fact that it was long meant that I had grown that and it was to stay no matter what! The thought of someone cutting even a centimeter off it, would be too much to bear. I had got my hubby to trim it a couple of times over the last few years but it was the most tiny bit off the ends and after he'd done it, I would keep going back to the mirror and checking and measuring the length and compare to how it was before I let him trim it. It was madness, as I knew it was in urgent need of cutting and logically knew that it would be much nicer if I had it cut but something inside my head could not do it.

This may sound really over the top and exaggerated but I tell you, it certainly is not!

The reason I'm sharing all this is because I realised, in having this conversation today, how I've managed, without realising it, to let go of my unreal idea that to be beautiful, my hair just HAD to be long or I was ugly (regardless of condition!) My hair now looks lovely and is way shorter than has been for ages and has some sort of style which I bit the bullet and had done about 3 months ago. It was a sudden decision and the day I decided to do it, I knew I had to get an appointment then and there, that very day or I might not go through with it. Funny thing is, to me it was SUCH a BIG DEAL and the anxiety for about a week after was immense. I started to analyse photographs of my hair now against that of a year ago and pulled them to pieces in my head about whether I looked less attractive with my new hairstyle- all in the same way that I do with my ED and photo's from the past against now- and the anxiety and feelings are identical!

I find it a very interesting connection, for perhaps a little more consideration and thought, see what's really going on.

I don't think it makes me a shallow person, as in, I only care how I look- as that's not the case- it's more the thought of me doing something that might put me in a worse position than i'm in now (even though that position NOW may not be best) and passing control to someone else to trust them to do what I want and not mess it up for me.

I guess it's to do with changes and habits and not wanting to let go of something for fear and not-knowing so can be easier to stay as you are. And even when my hair was truly at 'rock bottom'- (that sounds real funny!),it took me a year to let go and sort it out. And now I can have a conversation with my collegue about hairstyles and not feel an inch of anxiety that it's not that long anymore and that that has no real impact on my life or how I feel about myself deep inside.

This may sound weird and 'what the hell!!' but it has just struck several chords with me how distorted I can make trivial things and I find it interesting....Hmmmmm.

Xx

Why write at all?....

I wanted this blog to be a bit like an online diary, in relation to my daily life and how i'm making changes for the better to stay well and happy despite the ED battles.

I know it's not a popular blog and I haven't really promoted it very much but I get more out of reading the other peoples blogs and just having somewhere to vent and clear the jumbled thoughts in my head, just to write it all on a page is theraputic.

I suppose what dissapoints me a little, is that there was a couple of people whom I asked to read it.... non-bloggers, family members, that I wanted to read through my entries, a couple of times a week. It's not that I can't communicate with these people, quite the opposite in fact. I just like to talk to them about other things, in this busy life we all lead... if I were to spend all evening talking to them about the stuff I write here, there may be a little time to do anything else, you know, the LIVING life everyday stuff.

Also, I may not be able to get across what I'm trying to say while we're watching TV, doing homework etc. it may come out wrong and make me feel worse for bringing it up. Airing my thoughts this way, is more practical on many levels.

The idea was that they would read it and it would help them to see how I go about helping myself more clearly, PROMOTE UNDERSTANDING. So they don't need to worry.... of course, verbal communication is always ideal and we do do that- it's just that it usually ends up in a bit of conversation where i'm saying "Yeah but.... yeah but....it's not like that..... LISTEN to me!" and so forth.

And writing it all on here enables me to get it out- be heard. And hopefully shows that I AM trying to keep things going well on the ED front.

Please just read.

Ortharexia or a preference for nutritious food?

I got 3 very topical aspects of my life right now to waffle on about.... thought I might share my thoughts about each, help myself understand what's going down with where I'm at right now, not just ED related but the other stuff that goes along with helping me keep the ED under wraps and having as little impact on my life as possible. I'll save the other 2 for tomorow as I've got quite a lot to say about each.

First off- ORTHAREXIA (hope I spelled that right!). There are so many different and complex labels/ diagnosis give to 'disordered eaters' these days that I generally don't pay an awful lot of attention- only because I believe that if a person has an eating pattern that is messed up enough to be causing problems in their life- it shouldn't matter what label they're given my a medical person- they need and deserve adequate help to try and recover from it. Also the fact that most Eating Disorders cross over, (whether you be anorexic, morbidly obese), sometimes on a daily basis, between starving, binging, excessive exercise, eating only certain food groups etc. However- back to the Ortharexia- I'm using this 'label' as I'm aware that a medical person may mention this in response to the way I eat currently. And I guess the reason for this post, is that I get quite annoyed/upset when others question or comment on my food choices, even though I choose them because I believe them to be nutritionally the best option.

For example: I don't eat anything I don't like/ don't really enjoy the taste of just because it's 'good for me'. Certain fruit & veg I dislike and would probably leave them on my plate, were I served them. However, I DO love vegetables and foods such as salmon, chicken, turkey, also prefer granary bread to white bread and prefer sweet potatoes and brown rice to their 'white' alternatives. This is partly because I was brought up on foods such as these and developed a taste for them naturally and have therefore become my favourite foods, partly because I know them to be nutritionally better for me and partly because given the choice, I know they are going to provide with all-round better nutrition than the less nutritious alternatives. In a restaurant, I'm more likely to choose a piece of salmon with asparagus than lasagne even though I like both these foods- for the reasons given above. If they had run out of salmon and only lasagne was available-I would eat the lasagne. Same as if I'm at a friends house for dinner- I will eat the steak and chips if that's what is on offer. So, to me, that's not 'Ortharexia' or an ortharexic trait but a choice that I make for the good of my body. Obviously, there are certain foods that I find difficult to eat due to the ED, that I REALLY like but I DO try and make a consious effort to have them every now and then to gradually break my thought patterns that go with them.

If I was talking to a dietician that knew nothing of my ED history, I feel sure that my diet would be impressive! The problem that I come against is that a few people see what they think they're seeing and conclude that I may not be eating properly. To explain, if I have a spinach salad & with olive oil, pine nuts, a hummus dollop and a brown roll as a side dish with my dinner, it would be calorifically equal to a thick slice of white bread & butter.... ok. But I not only PREFER the taste of the afore mentioned, it is obviously a much more nutritious choice. Same as, if I'm out and about and need a snack, if there is a newsagents selling Mars bars next to a wholefoods shop selling Trek bars, then i'm going to go for the latter- I LOVE Trek bars and nutty/seedy snacks!! I think others sometimes just see 'a salad' or' a 'health bar so must be low in calories' and don't bother to try and understand that it's a salad covered in pumpkin seed oil or a health bar packed with nuts and fruit and therefore, an adequate source of calories and nutrients.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't sometimes get anxious over eating a piece of chocolate or some crisps, I do- and one thing that causes that is that I know foods like these may leave me hungry or not feeling as physically satisfied and therefore I will feel the need to eat again soon and that can make me feel anxious. But I have started to introduce them, in a way that I might have a handful of walnuts with 2 pieces of chocolate or crisps with an apple, as a balanced snack, instead of ALWAYS having a Trek bar. I know that's normal and ok as far as

I just want to not be penelised for doing the best for myself and enjoying feeling full of vitality for eating well. I don't NEED to stuff myself full of biscuits to prove that I'm 'well' or recovered or whatever!!! I did that in recovery a couple of years ago and ended up at around 10 stone with a still-very-active eating disorder!! And just to get people off my back. Yes, I will have a biscuit with a cup of tea and a full-fat latte... but day to day, when it's my choice, of course i'm going to have my preference- isn't that what people do?

Je n'ai rien et tout pour dire...

Just thoughts floating round my head, creating an alternate world, an unreachable idealistic place that doesn't really exist and wouldn't ever happen and if it did, I want to be somewhere/ someone else anyway...I love France and the French culture and their clothes-style and their lifestyle and the language and their accents and the cheeses and wines and fancy breads . I want to live in a small coastal town in France, in a pretty, narrow, cobbled street. With the aroma of fresh baked croissants and strong black coffee, in the early morning air. I want a French bicycle with a basket, or just an old, large wheeled, slightly rusty, black bicycle and I want to ride to the market, in my floral dress and fill my basket with fresh produce- vegetables, fruits, fine cheese, quality wine, fresh flowers.

I love France. Many holidays in France as a child. With family, with school. Husband hates France and the French; he's never been there.

Too much going on to write anything.

I could talk for hours but I'm choosing to stay silent.

I'm very worried BUT calmly accepting the anxiety, fed by a very REAL source.

Just some health fuck-ups. Maybe they're not as bad as I imagine or maybe they're worse.

I can't write, currently, as I don't know how to feel, so I've put my feelings on hold and consequently can't write. But I AM happy. IAM HAPPY and I'm SMILING.

It's not the ED. It's about something bigger than that

Bien Vivre

L'amour beaucoup,

De rire souvent!

What's their problems with 'AGE & BIRTHDAYS??'

This is something that I would put down as one of my biggest bug-bears!

I actually find myself boiling up over this and yet, people poking fun at each other for being 'nearly 40' 'or 'getting too old' or 'another year down the pan' is all I hear whenever one of our friends has a birthday. AAARRGGHH!!

Maybe I am just being a litte too deep over this. I guess due to the lifestyle I have and have had, partially due to choice, partially down to ED, I believe I have had my fair share of luck in a many ways, as regards my health and illness and for that, I am VERY grateful!! Yes, the ED curse has shaped and affected and grey-tinted my world and the way I live and, is going to be a continuous battle in order to stay well BUT for everything else on the health front, I need to realise that I AM someone, who has not incurred serious illness or disability during my life so far.

I have done some terrible things to myself, as a result of mental ill-health. I have put my body under enormous stress and I have experienced some dreadful mental illnesses and my family have had to deal with all that too. But I am still here.

It's my 33rd birthday on Saturday and I, like every year, am thankful and delighted that I am alive and (touch wood) healthy.

Why would I groan or complain that I have reached another birthday? Would I have rather been one of the unfortunate who lost their life during this passed year? No. Would I have rather died and not been able to carry on living and being with my family? No. Is there things I still want to do in life, places I want to see? Do I want to watch my son grow up and be there for him? Do I want to be a granny with tattoos? Yes. Do I want to hide my husbands false teeth while he's asleep for a laugh? Yes. Do I want to be retired and sit in the garden sipping wine, havin a fag, chatting up the 'young gardener lad' ? YES!

Ok, none of us want to experience age-related illnesses and losing our memories or having any of the problems that can occur as a result of 'getting old'.

But those things don't always happen.

Just like when we're young or middle aged. Some people die, maybe they were a friend or a family member. Maybe someone who lived next door, someone at work, someone you used to go to school with, the young lady who worked on the ciggie counter in Tesco... maybe they were in a tragic accident... contracted cancer, had an un-detected heart condition... whatever it was, however old they were, 12, 21, 51.... they aren't here NOW and won't be here again- and that makes me sad. And makes me wonder why it's such a joke to be another year older, when to me, it's an honor.

Sorry if this offends anyone... It's something I have very strong feelings about... as you now know. Xx

Sod Prozac- dose of seaside where it's at

Sings... 'Oh, I do love to be beside the seaside....'

And I do. Well, at least MY seaside, which is Swanage Bay. It's our family weekend get-away that never fails to enduce smiles on all our faces all at the same time and fully refreshes and revives us, however crap the previous week/ month has been.

We pretty much do the same stuff everytime we go and it's always as good as the time before.

It's become our 'special' family place and this time was, as usual, fantastic. I was going to ramble on a lot about holidays past and present as I have a lot to share but I will save that for another time, as I feel really happy for seeing these pics and don't want to ruin that right now. So, here is a couple of weekend pics of us doing what we love most.

This is my son Max, in the beer garden of a local pub 'The Red Lion' where mostly, it seems, the locals drink. We sat sipping cider, people watching and chatting and feeling the 'whooze' of a 5 o'clock half pint, with salty lips and wind-blown tangled sea -hair and colour in our cheeks from exposure to the goodness of all that is 'seaside'.

Check this out for a beautiful morning sun glow! It was the best feeling in the world to be stood there, no wind- warm sun, smell of sea salt and fish&chips and sound of light waves breaking. Was truly heavenly!

This is Max and I at Old Harry Rocks. Just behind where I'm positioned, is a very narrow piece of cliff that is extremely dangerous. You can walk along it but few people do, as the drop either side is straight down vertical into the sea. I was genuinely terrified to even sit on the grass for this pic although the views and the rocks are beautiful, they're white chalk and the sea below is very blue and clear.

Swanage Bay pier late evening time.

Max on Weymouth Beach, after the pedaloes and much needing ice-cream for re-fuel- kids!!!!

This is a view from a cliff by Durdle Door, near Lulworth Cove. Just spectacular.

Me & hubby in Lulworth Cove, chilling, enjoying the fact we were back at our place where we all connect as a family, make each other laugh and somehow seem to all be on the same wavelength and just get such a lot out of 'being in each others company'.

Weekends like this are truly special and I find them a great aid in getting things into perspective. The trick is, holding onto that when they're over. Xx

2 posts today! This ones fun though!!!

Very quick post here while i'm having my lunch at work... I know I posted early today but I just had a lovely little thing happen...
I just popped over the road, to go get ciggies & a drink on my lunch break. I've been calling in the green grocer next to the newsagents and buying little punnets of blueberries to go with my usual sandwich at lunchtime and they're absolutely delicious! So ripe and tasty from there, not like the ones from the supermarket. It's always the same lady in there, with her old fashioned brown over coat, like they used to wear in green grocers before everything became modern and clinical and she counts your change out back into your hand and wraps your goods in a brown paper bag and swings it at the edges to twist it sealed.
Well, today she said to me 'Oh hello... you came in yesterday for blueberries? Do you like our blueberries?'
And I proceeded to tell her how I love them with my sarnie and that they are so lovely from here and she'll probably see me everyday. And somehow, it made me feel nice- like maybe every day, I'll have a quick conversation with her and if I miss a day, the next time I go in, we'll joke about 'how I didn't go in yesterday as I'd got some apples that needed eating' or whatever!

I just felt happy she'd remembered me, like, I'm not invisible and sometimes people aren't caught up enough in the rat-race of business and making-money and all that, to just take your money and not look at you or have any desire to possibly want a conversation.
I just wanted to share that.

However...when I'd sat back down at my desk with my sarnie & blueberries on my plate, I discovered i'd put Marmite in with my peanut butter and white cabbage and I can confirm (haven eaten it all anyway) that blueberries and Marmite DO NOT GO WELL... just in case anyone would have reason to think otherwise ;)

frustration-loved ones-arguements-Hmmmm...answer is?

Hey, I had a thought (again)...

Non-disordered eating people (does that even sound right?) who are 'under-weight' for example, like the people on that programme Supersize V Superskinny, they live 'normal' lives due to the fact that they aren't mentally unwell, with food issues.
So- if I'm beating the ED and constantly working at finding ways to help myself and make things good, stay well, does it really matter that i'm hovering about at the lower end of the ideal weight range, so long as I'm considered healthy and have no health problems relating to weight? Does it REALLY matter or is it more essential that my mind stays focused on keeping irrational ED dictations out of the picture?
I'm a little cross/ frustrated with someone, right now, a person in my life, who has made it clear they don't like that I have a few boney bits.....
Now, my arguement here, is this (was this, unfortunately and I HATE to argue about this subject):

Ok, I may have a few boney bits- and so???
Well, it's not very nice.
Sorry you don't like it, I'm at a healthy weight
But you look as though you aren't
What do you want me to do? Put some more weight on, even though i'm in the healthy range, just because you don't like my bony bits?
Yes
But that will cause a lot of anxiety, to try and gain some weight, when I've just managed to put in place a method of eating meals and snacks and including lots of different foods and keep my weight stable and feel happy and well and better than in years?
Yes, because you'd look a bit better
But no-one else seems to have a problem with the way I look and so what if they do? I see people who I believe to be 'too skinny' or 'too fat' and I don't have a problem with it, so long as they're happy with how they look. Why would I? AND, if I were concerned about a 'friend' as I thought they looked unwell, I would ask them how they are, if things are ok and how's it going... especially if I knew they'd been unwell in the past...
People aren't honest... no-one would say anything to you
Well, I can't control what other people do or think. It matters to me how I feel and how I know I am. Anyone who cares enough or who is close to me, those who matter, will not have a problem with the way I look, I already communicate with people around me about my insecurities about food and past ED history, a few people at work, my family and closest friend- by sharing this with them, it helps to keep me well- so the fact I'm quite open about my struggles means that they can ask me how i'm doing and not feel that they're being nosey
But you're too skinny....
I don't like you saying that- it's about more than that- I'm doing well, I'm not going to become ill and if I did, it's got nothing to do with the way I look now- I could be ten or eleven stone and deep into a cycle of binge eating/ vomiting/ abusing alcohol and severley depressed but would it be ok that I 'look' healthy- hey, I may even have 'fat' bits that you don't like...
I'd like them better than your bony bits...
But it's about my 'health' not the way I look- my physical and mental health- and I'm doing ok, I'm having the usual issues that I've always had, but I'm doing better than in along time...
But I think your too thin...

Can you see how this might have continued round in circles. It's hard as I need this person on my side- with me. Telling me how proud they are of me for making the decision to try and help myself, keeping the ED under control. To see the bigger picture and that the glass is half full here. One of the reasons I decided to start blogging was to record how things are going, get advice, give advice and to be honest with myself and share my progress & problems. Surely that's not the way a person who wants to let their eating disorder run away with their life would go about things?
I know loved ones find it difficult. But I do need them to listen to me and know that I will and do ask for help when I'm struggling and in the meantime, lets just enjoy ourselves.

The truth is out

I am caught in an far- more -than- usual erratic string of thoughts.
It has been this way for several days now.
It's not good or bad, just unsettling and means it's hard for me to write anything here.
Too many jumps in emotions. Or too quickly. Or both.

Ok- this is this the 'thing'. And I don't like to validate the way I feel emotionally to how I am physically but I know EXACTLY what my issue is now:
Currently, I'm around a body weight where i'm still 'healthy' but only just. And I mean from a medical proffesional chart type of thing. Were I to actually have a BMI calculated, it would be in the healthy range but a couple of pounds down would be too low.
I'm happy with how I feel, look, the way my clothes fit, the way I feel physically, the type- frequency and amount of food I consume, my social eating is going ok (it's better than in a long time)... So...
WHATS THE FUCKING PROBLEM?....

Surely this would be everything I need to just carry on living and flapping about with the every day stuff- work, needing to go buy make-up, have I called my mom in days????

Problem is: l'm not used to functioning normally at my current physical status.

There. I said it. And this is what it means:

Whenever I have gone rapidly downhill ED & depression wise, in the past, it has always been at around this stage. Now, this time it's different.
I'm the way I am now from cutting back on drinking alcohol all the bloody time.
I'm the way I am now from doing some exercise.
I'm the way I am now from eating a wide range of foods from all different food groups and not 'binging on protein' or 'getting stuffed on vegetables' or eating 20 diet yogurts in a day.
I'm the way I am now without being terribly depressed, out of control, abusing alcohol, hurting my family.
I am the way I am now and holding down my job, looking after my family, having fun and living a nice life.

I have linked, in my head, that being physically, as I am now, with being in a pretty bad Eating Disorder place.
And this is why my mood jumps are so frequent lately. When I'm at work or having fun or enjoying time with my family, I am the strong, confident happy person that is Sar. This is where I believe I am REALLY- deep down, I am still this Sar and NOT the 'ED' Sar.
When I'm tired or having a down day or out somewhere I don't want to be, I am hunched up, hands in sleeves, looking afraid and skinny and holding myself as I did deep in the ED- checking for 'bones', room in jeans, measuring arms with hands and portraying myself as though I would rather be invisible. But this isn't where I am mentally. I can just slip in and out of this, like a spoiled child, when it's all too much- an escape route, a trap door.

And I guess that last line sums it up. I'm in a very safe but very dangerous place. It's up to me to stay on the safe side as that is what I want for myself. But i'm close enough to the bad place that if 'need strikes', I'm within reach of the deadly crutch.

And maybe that is why I'm so far from full recovery but so far from being ill.

I posted here, a while ago, about this subject but couldn't put my finger on why I am stuck in this place. Now, it's quite clear.

I won't accept full recovery but won't allow myself to be ill.

And now I have some thinking to do. Input anyone?

Lastly and totally off subject...
I took this picture last week, before I came into work one morning. I was early and went for a wander...This church is at the back of where my office is and I hardley ever go over. It was so beautiful and peaceful, I wanted to freeze time and just stand there... it was perfect. And even my shitty camera phone managed to do it justice. ;)

Brief self- review

Since yesterday, when I couldn't really get in tune with myself, I thought I should review where I'm at with things and what i'm going to do to ensure that I keep heading in the direction of what i'm trying to achieve here, which was to find a safe, healthy, fun and forefilling way to live without the ED crutch. I seem to have temporarily lost sight of that...

It was going well. It still is- just over the last week or so, a slight rebellious streak has set in. A couple of minor setbacks have occured since I started writing on my blog and I managed to shake them off and carry on battling. Then, another couple of minor slips and I'm feeling a little like I've lost my focus and started being less kind to myself than I should be. And I don't want that.

I'm just not entirely sure where to start.

As regards the food issues...
I've completely overwhelmed and confused myself by trying to be too creative and colourful with my new food ideas ,introducing items that I would like to eat without any problem but then finding that it wasn't as easy and straightforward as I'd hoped and getting my head into a tangle over it. I just need to slow right down with all that and realise that it's not a bad thing or a set back to not be able to do that right now- I've established a daily menu template that ensures I eat a balanced breakfast, snacks and lunch and cook a meal for the family's evening meal. And I've successfully implemented this into my daily life.
This has taken away a hell of a lot of the anxiety and wasted time in a day that used to occur and that is a big achievement for me. I've just been trying too hard with this one and losing sight of the fact that I'm already doing well. I should stop punishing myself for messing up, when really I haven't messed up and feel good about myself for the way i've turned things round to help myself have a more stable footing with my meals.
I think i'll leave it here for today. I can see that I need to step back a bit and just live in the now, for what it is, at the level i'm at and not try and jump over any higher walls than I need to. I need to be comfortable and happy at the place i'm at before I try and get to the next, better place.
And I need to have a talk with some people close to me and get some feedback and assistance so I can head into the near future and continue to keep it ticking along.

Away with the fairies

So glad it's halfway through the week... feeling a little 'floaty' today.

I feel a bit detatched, kind of like, there's nowhere I really want to be today; It's hard to explain- maybe I'm just needing to do something out of routine to shake myself up a bit. I don't even know if i'm happy; i'm a bit emotionless and empty, like I have no opinions or cares about much- I don't like it though. What I hate most, is how every day is so different as regards my moods, attitudes and outlook yet every day is pretty much exactly the same as regards it's content and events. Stability might be nice- (I think- don't know)

So, will veer off with a casual little thought that I had about footwear!

I love these boots (pic- it's a bad quality pic!)

I got the Doc Martens WITH A HEEL in January- I saw them and instantly had to go buy them. They're patent shiny black and SOOOO comfortable. And I can get away with them for work, under my trousers. I wear them 'victorian' style with long floaty skirts too. But I have to be in the right sort of mind-set to wear this look- it's more 'grown-up than my usual attire, in which I often end up looking like a hormonal, rebellious teenager with issues.



The other boots are made by a company called 'New Rock'.

I got these for christmas and they are also my top, top, top favourite boots in the world!! They have a steel heel and are very comfortable also. But only for going out or after-dark occasions.

Unlike clothes, footwear is usually JUST footwear. My feet are always going to be the same size regardless of how many apples or suet puddings I eat and I have no 'measurement' hang-ups with footwear, it's impossible, which is GOOD!

Only hang-up I can link to footwear is when I believe that the style of the footwear 'makes my legs look chunky'.

Which may well be true- as regards whether they are ankle boots or flat trainers etc. That can give the illusion of a person being shorter or taller and having a different posture to another pair of shoes. I won't put certain footwear with certain clothing items for that reason. And people DO notice- they'll say 'Gosh, you're really short!' Which i'm not.



I like it when I see someone in footwear I wouldn't expect them to have on. I could explain that one further but feel it might be just a little to 'deep' really, when i'm delving into 'footwear pyschology'- and, I daresay, not neccessary! Xx

DOUBLE POST TODAY!! Sudden change in feeling!!

I know i've just posted BUT I've just had a rare BLAST of a revelation feeling come over me.
I left the office to pop over road and get Red Bull- and I sprang out, strided up to 'The crossing'- the cars stopped and I waved 'cheers' to them and carried on walking- I got my favourite coat on (long, black, leather coat- much like a funeral director or vampire might wear), my school shirt (don't laugh), hubby's tie, pin-striped trousers, my hair looks good, I feel bloody great AND then I held the shop door open for a business man who insisted I come through first... I shook my head, kinda winked at him and said 'Sod womens lib!' and he smiled and came through, and I just felt pumped & powerful and happy and then this thought swept over me- that- right now, at this point in my life- I AM happy with things, with my family, the way I look, the effort I'm putting into crushing this ED ,my life as it is. I'm just afraid that things won't stay this way- and maybe that's whats bringing me down...
Maybe it's only me that can make things stay the way they are, so far as I can and I should really give myself a break. I'M content... I'm living a better quality of life than in years! Things are, overall- going good.
I just felt like I needed to add that, especially after the post just before- I told you I have many different thought patterns in a day (Oh, Bi-polar alert)... I think it's important to grab at the positives as well as rant about the negatives! Xx

Waste or Worry not?

I've started buying certain food, like hummus or big yogurt pots... and immediately throwing half away.

I'm the only person, in my household, who eats these things.

I love them. I love hummus. And big pots of creamy yogurt, to go on cereal.

But the others don't eat it. And I find these foods 'scary' or fear foods, if you like; due to their high nutrition content in a small amount, relatively speaking.

But I could probably eat an entire pot/ tub of them in a day due to the tastiness and the fact that they're not stodgy and filling, on their own, but very eatable straight from the pot.

And I hate to feel that I have to eat something, just because it is nearly at it's sell-by or use-by date. But I do.I know that a 'non-disordered' eater would just eat it and not think anymore about it. But I guess I get issues.

So- instead of waiting to get to that point, I have started immediately 'halving' the contents- throwing half out, as soon as I buy it, so that I have half left to use for my meals and not a GREAT BIG pot. That seems to work better, in my head, than throwing away the unused gone off half???? It lowers my anxiety from the start, instead of it lasting days where I will be sitting at work thinking 'I must use up that hummus tonight but... Oh no- we're having Spaghetti Bolognaise and I won't be able to fit it into my meal... what a waste!'

I could but smaller pots but the items, as mentioned above, don't come any smaller and I buy them to be 'normal' and NOT have size issues... then do THIS crazy thing- !! Now I'm cross for writing this... such a fuck up.

Anyway- subject change: I noticed my handwriting changes in size and direction quite a lot, depending. On what, I'm not sure. I think it may be a Borderline Personality related trait. It annoys me though, as it triggers off the same thoughts as with food. That being 'Wow! I love the way I write today! I'm going to ensure I keep writing like this forever! Why would I have never written in this style before? Wow! What else can I write now, to keep doing it forever?'

Which is the same when I devise a new menu. Or wear a new outfit style. Or do my make-up a certain way...

God- this just goes on! No firm identity- no idea who I am or who I want to be, not really, not deep down.

And it's the same with my job.Which I love, what I mean is, lack of carrier/ direction. It's always been the same with every aspect of my life- I get bored- change my mind- get influenced from something/ somewhere/ someone..... and my whole philosophy changes; my attitude; my values; my opinions.

All because I don't REALLY know who I am at all.

I know we all change our views & outlooks etc, with time- but several times in day? Nearly every day? No wonder I'm confused and lost.

But am feeling bizarrely OK today. And will share with you, a pot of my favourite cream for my eyes & face. I love the texture & smell (reminds me of something from being a kid) and it sits nice and comfortable on my skin. I had sore eyelids last night and this made them feel lovely. I think I got Cillit Bang spray on my hands, then rubbed my eyes- or something. Silly girl!

Monday or Me?

I have a lot to say today but don't really know how to say any of it.
I suppose that would be because I don't know how I really feel today. I know how I want to feel... and that would be a result of the effort I try to put in through looking after myself, eating well, challenging negative thoughts, focusing on that 'half FULL glass' (not the half that got spilt and had gone flat anyway! Ooh Sar, so negative!!) and all the things that make life so productive and great.
Maybe it's a Monday thing.
Or a the fact that we were robbed of an hour yesterday (it takes a good couple of days to get over that hour being swiped).
Or it could just be that I'm having just TOO much going on in the old noggin and I need to filter it during the course of the day and see what's left.
I felt a bit crap at the weekend, like I was going to have a flu virus or somethin' simular. And the takeaway we got on Saturday night may as well have been something I fished out of the canal. Had we actually eaten it, I might have died painfully. No more to say about that though, just won't use them again.
Right- it's a bit of a Monday thing and a bit of a SAR thing.
AND... a tosser in a BMW didn't stop at the crossing for me today.

Today is MY choice to be a good one

'You do what you need to do and I'll do what I need to and we'll both wake up tommorow and the world will be a better place. I have 2 paths that will branch off around 6pm tonight and I'm pre-choosing the one that mean I wake tommorow feeling stronger and happier with far less effort'

This was my reply to a collegue who told me he was going out to get 'absolutely plastered' tonight and what was I going to be doing and why was I going to do that???

I had told him that I would be dropping my hubby off for a work outing then going home to prepare a lovely, fresh meal and pour a glass of red wine then watching some Sky+ recordings with my son, chilling on my bed, and probably be asleep by 9.30pm. This was met with a look from him, somewhere between confusion and disgust...LOL!
Strangely, on waking this morning, I immediately decided that today was going to be my choosing that I will do what I need to do in order to feel happy, safe and well AND strong.
I think it's due to a bit of a low feeling over the last couple of days, for one and another reason and I know that if I don't pick myself up right now- it will worsen very fast and become a mess.
I feel good with myself for finding the strenghth to be able to apply this as it's something I have been working on for last couple of months and it is usually not as easy as it seems to have been today.
I know things change very quickly, during the day, if something unexpected happens that cts off the 'good flow' but for now, I'm feeling good, yeah baby!!!

Just a quick flitting one here:

This morning I had to nip over to the post box before work, which involves crossing a zebra crossing, opposite the office building. I HATE going over that crossing as it causes me the biggest degree of anxiety to go over it and I actually had to convince myself that I was worthy enough to warrant the cars stopping for me to get across. And the more I thought about it, the more I realised that I ALWAYS hate going over that crossing and have done for a long time, yet I need to use it nearly every lunch break, to get over to the shops. It's like, if the cars or just 1 car doesn't stop for me, it means that the driver of that car has looked at me and didn't think I was worth stopping for..... I know that to be totally untrue but it's very real to me and today was the first time that I've questioned it. I have even been known to take post from the office and drive miles out of the way just to avoid going over the road. I have to stop for people to cross there when I arrive and leave work every day and it's no big deal- it's a small but busy village with this one main road running through it- I guess I think I will be making people angry by having to stop for me. And I have to gear myself up for it- strange anxiety situation when there could be so many other things on a daily basis that I would have thought would cause more of a 'problem'. Hmmmmm...
Anyway, lastly, I found these pics in my phone- I took them on our last trip down to Swanage, which is one of my special places in the UK that I love. We go for several weekends a year and It never fails to make me happy when I'm there.
The pics below were taken about 6am when I thought I had severe insomnia, only to realise that I hadn't taken my Zopiclone, Seroquel & other medication cocktail that night, which is an absolute MUST for me to have any chance of sleep (sadly enough) when I thought I had.
But it was even more beautiful in Swanage Bay, at that time of the morning, although the pics don't capture the whole experience. We due to go back at Easter weekend and I'm SO looking forward to it!
Have good weekend!Xx

The B word & P word

WARNING: POTENTIAL TO OFFEND/ UPSET (unintentionally)
*Parts of this post are truly graphic and may be disturbing to read. I talk frankly about some occurrences that took place when I suffered from Bulimia Nervosa 14 years ago. Please do not read if you may be uncomfortable with the behaviours that go along with this illness, I do not mean any offence or upset to anyone at all*
I wanted to share this as it's something that I experienced during my early ED days that was far worse to me personally, than any of the current ED stuff I battle with. I noticed, when reading through a few blogs out there, how much I can relate to the struggles and sheer hell of Bulimia, even though now, thank God, I got through the worst of that particular avenue of ED.


I find it particularly uncomfortable to talk about this, one of the main reasons being the guilt and disgust I felt toward myself when I engaged in this behaviour (it was FAR beyond my control so maybe 'behavior' isn't the right word here), the total lack of other peoples understanding of 'why one would do this to oneself 'and the utter lack of control that goes along with it- in fact- to me- I have never been so un-in control ever of anything than the way I was when I was 17 and suffered from Bulimia.

To briefly let you know the picture- my main issues now and for the past several years, have been with anorexia and under-eating or restrictive eating, with occasional bursts of purging while restricting.
(Very occasionally, out & out binges followed by purging, usually alcohol related and usually late at night and usually- a one off.)

I was hospitalized as a teenager twice within the same year, first for re-feeding/ anorexia treatment and then several months later, for full blown Bulimia Nervosa.
When I say full-blown, I MEAN full blown. I’m talking from morning til night bingeing (not just at mealtimes) and purging, several times a day-EVERY DAY. Using all the money I could find to spend on binge food, including draining my bank accounts, all my wages, unable to hold down a job for very long, alcohol abuse, suicide attempts, self-harm, severe depression, burst blood vessels in my eye, vomiting into bags in my room for fear of being caught (I lived at home with my parents), vomiting into anything- anywhere. It was worse than hell and the suicide attempts were real- I couldn’t stop this illness- even from fear of instant death due to the physical strain but I couldn’t bear to live with it and had no way out due to the intense fear of being fat.

I won’t drag on with this- it hit an all time rock-bottom at that point and I DID come through it enough to get back to living safely, and although still heavily ED loaded, I was through the other side of the B word hell cycle.

The events that followed over the next ten years were, all in all, positive and exiting and enabled me to end up, in a very roundabout long long story sort of way, married with a son.

This post was also sparked off in relation to something my husband said to me. As I mentioned before, the return of the full-on ED a few years ago (when I went back to hospital for treatment) is based around restriction and the anorexia issues and not really much involvement as regards Bulimia.
However, I mentioned to him last week, when we were discussing the last couple of years in relation to ED & recovery, that there had been a few incidents where I had purged food or blatantly binged, especially late at night when we’d been out drinking and then gone to the chip shop at 3am blah blah ….. and he was shocked… and hurt that he didn’t know. There is so much more detail I could go into here- but the bottom line is this:
I never set out to do this.

I rarely do it.

It is the one thing that, when it strikes, it’s usually unexpected, is totally out of control- I feel desperate and there can be no apparent trigger for it and often, no way to stop it.

It is very SECRET and very upsetting and leaves me hurting physically and mentally for days following, including a severe but short-lived heavy, black depression.


I'm sure many people can relate to these feelings and how much power they hold over us. This is also one of the main reasons I decided to limit my alcohol intake drastically. Alcohol numbs feelings... and accelerates them, ED wise. It changes the whole perspective and throws me into a place where ED is dangerous and wild. Not always….. but has done, enough times that I need to be very, very aware and careful always- even after months and months of hard work, eating well, not drinking too much etc. it can just bite and very hard.
I believe it’s something that I find hard to tell anyone when it does happen and find it emotionally draining for days after it too. I guess what I’m trying to communicate is that it’s quite easy to talk about if I have or haven’t eaten enough or if I’ve been not doing enough exercise or if I feel sad or down or scared but find it difficult to come to terms with if I’ve had a ‘purge’ incident.
So that’s my take on that. I hope this all ok to share, it’s like the ‘Silent Evil’ part of my ED that, although is very rare and occasional, is still something that I have to deal with and be aware of every day, along with the other stuff I talk about here.

Stay well, stay safe, keep on lovin YOU.
Thanks for reading. Xx

3 posts in one- A lot going on in head today!!

Watched Supersize V Superskinny last night, on TV. I absoulutely love programmes of this nature; anything about mental health, dieting, nutrition, eat-this-eat-that-DON'T-eat that, man with extra feet- basically anything along those lines facinates me and is my 'entertainment'.

I use them to fuel my knowledge and understanding of the very subject that is slowly destroying me and eating (no punn intended) into my ever shortening life by taking up far too much time!! (thats not gloomy, I mean that life is too short and everyday, it gets shorter).

This particular programme is watched by me & my son while my hubby is out and has become like a Tuesday night regular (and I watch VERY little TV due to short attention span and little interest in anything that's not going to benefit me- sigh!)

Quite obviously, to me anyway, the people on this show are in 2 categories. The skinnies basically have no emotional attatchment to food, aren't really that interested in it and for one reason or another, have just grown up and not really managed to take in enough energy to sustain a healthy body weight and just need to re-learn how to eat enough. The overweight participants, on the other hand, seem to me to have deeper issues in which food has been used as a comfort or an escape from whatever that may be. Bordering on the 'COE' area, which is interesting.... although I'm guessing they were given a certain degree of pyschological grilling before being accepted to go on the show.

Anyways- what I was ACTUALLY wondering WAS: when the underweight lot go away after the show and carry on with their 'new diet plans', how does the same pattern of weight gain not occur in them as it does when recovering physically from Anorexia? In that, we have an un-even weight distribution and gain lots extra body fat due to muscle wasting and fucked up metabolisms.... physically a lot of them have the same body types where their BMI's are well below 17 and due to their poor eating habits, have probably fucked their metabolisms too....?

Any thoughts, any one?

Flesh grabbing and bone feeling- Just sharing my thoughts here....

Just need to stop doing this so much.... maybe cos I don't use scales- it's like a measure. But I think I get used to the way my body 'feels' and then, like now, I can't really tell what the point of me doing it is.... like- when I was mega ill I used to constantly grab my upper arm and if my fingers didn't join, that would have been dreadful!!!! And now- I wonder if it's just an ED habit? A 'thing' that I do out of anxiety, maybe? But it's just something I noticed I do a lot- with my trousers as well- see how much room there is left since I last wore them? But it doesn't actually mean much to me anymore, which I guess is good? Or does it not mean much because everything feels ok now? After a couple of years into 'full physical recovery' I still did this-constantly and HATED what I felt!! I hated flesh above my jeans, flesh on my arms- everywhere- I could have cried everyday at the sight and feel of all that flesh. And now I feel ok with how I am- now I've levelled out the weight thing and have got rid of the 'puppy' fat extra that physical recovery slapped onto random body bits. Now- what I feel is ok. This must be a good thing, it must mean that I'm content with looking how I do, not desiring to be any thinner, feeling good with having the body I've got. I think the biggest issue I have now is that I want to stay this way- which is healthy- but gaining ANY weight is still a massive NO NO. So, is that still a problem??? Conclusion to self: It isn't RIGHT but it's a long way off from being wrong.

Not booked to see my GP like I was going to
I think I feel like I'm just too busy right now... or that I should wait a while- but I can't get my head around what to wait for??? I sometimes worry about reactions I might get from other people, whoever it may be, and if it's not the response I'm looking for- then I wish I hadn't bothered- don't know if i'm making sense today AT ALL. I need a weekend break away from normal run of things to clear some repetitive patterns that may be hindering clear thoughts...

And finally- I'm doing the family a roast dinner tonight with the first-time-ever- that i'll have hand cooked and roasted potatoes!! So i'll post a couple of piccies of that later- just because....! Xx

ED Voice shut up shut up shut up....!!

Just a quick one here- I actually want to write about the 'B' word (and the 'P' word that usually goes with that- i'm sure if you understand my B & P abbreviations you'll know what I'm on about??!! ) BUT, I'm saving that for when I can find a way to get across what I need to.
So, I've had:

• A sliced apple with tbsp Vanilla Heaven PB
• Coco Loco Nakd Bar
• Hummus, spinach & white cabbage sandwich on wholewheat
• Some strawberries

Reason I just posted this is because I've spent the last couple of hours thinking about if I've ate too much or not enough and battling in my head if I should add up the 'numbers'- you know- the C word....! And I've managed to ask myself 'what's going on here?'

I feel nourished and fed and not by any means stuffed- I've had my meals and snacks, as planned and the food choices I've made are balanced and healthy- so why would I need to add up any sort of numbers and ruin it??? 'What is THAT all about, hey Sar....?'

Ok- I'm glad I asked myself that cos this is what its about...

I haven't done any planned exercise for over a week now, that is, my exercise bike or skipping rope work-outs that I do at home sometimes. And much as I've made a deal with myself that I will only do them as part of a healthy lifestyle, I guess the ED side of things throws another light on it when I'm caught off guard. And the other 'trigger' has been the weekend events, eating maybe more stuff that's not in my meal plan and having a couple of extra drinks (alcohol) than I planned. But I need to re-inforce to myself that I have in no way done anything that warrants me trotting down the ED path to try and punish myself for LIVING a little.

I have all these fears, including waking up one morning and not being able to pull my jeans up my legs anymore or grabbing pounds of flesh that has manifested on me in the night... and much as I know this is ridiculous, I have to keep repeating the FACTS in my head- the straight forward factual facts as regards needing to considerably overeat for longer than 1 day to lay down extra lb's and that 1 extra pint of cider or an small size dessert or Larabar for a couple of days, ISN't going to turn me into some supersize. It doesn't happen like that.... And then there is the thoughts that go like 'Well, I'm different.... my metabolism is screwy'

NO SAR- it WAS screwy- during the recovery process 3 years ago, it was fucked. Fucked until about 6 months ago when it finally levelled out again. That's 2 and a half years of shit, recovering from an illness that you're hovering on if you keep making it a problem to eat a bit extra or drink a bit extra or SIT AND COUNT THE AMOUNT OF CALORIES YOU'VE EATEN SO FAR TODAY.

So..... I'm going to get a cup of coffee, take an apple, a babybel and an Alpro yogurt, and get on with day and enjoy the fact that I'm strong enough to fight the ED voice today. Xx

When food is extremely special.....

Ok, Mothers Day yesterday and my beautiful young son decided to cook a meal for last nights dinner. He even got a lovely bottle of Red wine to go with it (aaahhh, bless him!)


I love it when other people cook for me or going out for food as I now find it takes away a lot of anxiety as regards making a decision, or should I say, making the RIGHT decision, as to what to eat.


It used to be the other way round when I blatantly ate a completely different meal to the rest of my family, in that I would always have my 'safe' food and feel totally ok (yeah, I know that's completely ED subservience and I DON'T do that now) and going out was a nightmare regarding the fact of not knowing what was in the food, how much fat & calories and all that life destroying crap.


So, he went about preparing it and wouldn't tell me what we were going to have (he's only 12 and my hubby was in on the health & safety with ovens etc). It kinda didn't matter if he had chosen something that I find 'fearful' as I would have quickly put in place a series of thoughts to ensure that nothing would ruin our special meal.I could smell a lovely aroma drifting up the stairs and I commented how it 'smelled like Christmas). He told me that was because we were having turkey, so I got quite exited as I LOVE turkey meals, and xmas day meals are one of my true faves!

The meal consisted of:

Butter Basted Turkey, buttered herb herb new potatoes, onion gravy and winter veg (sprouts, carrot & cauliflower)

He also got a Sticky Toffee Pudding to cook but we're having that tonight instead as he didn't want us all to be 'stuffed' and we all agreed that then we'd have another nice treat to look forward to tonight.

He lit candles too and put my wine bottle out to go with it all. (See pics attached)

And it was truly special....

He even asked me to take a picture to go on my blog!!

They then washed up at the end of the meal so I could just go chill out with my wine.

Apart from the obvious of me being extremely proud of my son to be so thoughtful and go to an effort (especially on a Sunday night and when he just could have got me a card & flowers)- having others in my house take control of meals is such a treat and gives my head a nice rest from the constant anxiety brought about by the daily decision making on food. I don't mean that to sound like I really badly struggle or dislike preparing meals, it's just so much of a big deal to me when I don't have to do it that I find it one of the best experiences to have.

As I was eating it, I also noted how much it meant to my son and found it almost tear-worthy that I can hurt myself so badly with the very thing that he was showing his love for me with- if that makes sense?

I also thought that if every night, I could find, without second thought, a reason strong enough to eat unquestionably, how lovely that would be! Of course, I value my health enough to do the right thing most of the time now, it would just be nice to get to the point where there was no pre-thought trail of having to justify eating or have conversations with myself about it being 'ok' to eat and not feel guilty for it. However, to be given a night like last night, where it goes so much deeper than just food and eating, is something that means so much to me and I wanted to share that with you.






Our lovely meal (ok, we ate at the breakfast bar in the kitchen but note candles and a vase!)


After dinner hugz for my personal chef!



Million thanks for a wonderful Mothers Day, Max! Love you. XX

And, on another note- I have decided to book and see my GP tommorow, if I can, to get something on the roll as regards a bit of support in the nutrition area. So, i'll see how that goes but I am looking forward to doing the best thing here and not just leaving it, hoping that things will just get better on their own- they may well do but I don't think I have anything to lose by talking to them about it.

Xx

Asking for help to keep up good work...

Why, when things are going good, and I'm proving to myself that I can do 'normal' things- like eating and drinking and staying happy with the way my clothes fit and my body image and getting on with doing everyday activities and living a wholesome, happy life- why why why after weeks of proving to myself that I can do it and it works and I don't have to be fucked up- do I still get the most massive anxiety attacks and overwhelming sense of unstability? Is it because I can't bear to just get on with it for fear that when it does go wrong, I won't be expecting it or be able to cope with it?
I THINK I NEED TO ADMIT TO MYSELF THAT i'M STRUGGLING TO DO THIS ON MY OWN NOW.
Which isn't a bad thing.... I need to get some guidlines outside of the 'personal' opinions, which is all I have to rely on the moment. What I need is someone to monitor my body weight from a clinical point of view and a Registered Dietician to see every couple of weeks to over see that I'm eating right, as I seem to be losing my focus amist all the 'trying to do it right this time' stuff.
If I have those 2 things, at least i'll have someone to answer my questions, my confusions- back up my thoughts and perceptions from a non-biased factual viewpoint. And maybe it's like passing a great majority of my anxieties over to them and admitting that 'yes, I'm finding it hard right now'.
I don't need a pyschiatrist or any of that stuff- hell, I know it's not right but I've come to terms with the fact that I have eating issues for WHATEVER reason, a vast variety of reasons but the cause of them won't cure me- I'm not even interested in working through the head stuff- it's black and white there- I have a massive huge fear of weight gain and after 15 or more years battling this, I'd like to say that it's preferable to me at this point in time to stay in a place where I can keep safe, keep well and continue my own patterns of recovery in the 'getting my head round it' department. I just need hardcore clinical assistance and the rest is up to me.

ED to full recovery -such a large space in between

I feel so tired lately, partly because we have been busy at home re-arranging all the bedrooms and building/ moving furniture pretty much non-stop all weekend. Also, wasn't well on last Friday with various ailments going on but I did manage to look after myself food wise, having my usual meal plan with snacks so that was ok.
I guess I just realise sometimes how the gap between a full blown eating disorder and full recovery is so so big.

On one hand, I think about the horror of anorexia and the constant starvation and tiredness and all the hell that came with that and lack of any sort of life and compare it to now- it is worlds apart.

And now, where life is so much more pleasent and I can go to work without a starved brain and do exercise and have fun with my family and eat out at restaurants, although it IS such a long, long way forward from the anorexia days, it is STILL sooooo far from actual recovery.



For example: I go to bed quite early, mainly due to 'routine' associated with my medication and also because it fits in with my structured day. And while this isn't wrong or destructive, it still limits my choices as regards 'Living'.



I don't like to see friends during week day nights as it wouldn't fit in with how I like to plan for evenings to be, again, partly because I work all day and then spend time doing homework with my son and all house-hold stuff and another quite big part because I like to have dinner, then some coffees and wash-up and have a set routine as to leading up to sleep time. And I guess this is because I know it keeps me safe and healthy and mentally level. But I think others around me would find this hard to comprehend as I think it can be black and white to everyone else. But the grey in-between seems more tiring and draining than the black part- if you get me??



When I do 'let go' a little, which I do at weekends and on the odd evening, it feels good- I feel free and happy and often very pleased that I have done something a bit different. But if I try and make it last for longer, it becomes overwhelming and I feel like my head becomes confused and anxiety levels raise so much that it brings about a surge of ED related behavior just to regain a grip on reality- which I know is a complete paradox in itself. I guess it scares me- a 'scared' that I can't change right now at this point. But why should I? I've done so well, why try and make it all better so fast? It's 100% better to be where I am now than very ill- yes? I just get so worn out thinking about it......



I'd be lying if I said that I don't still have issues with my clothes and their fit and the way I feel others see me. Having said that, I'm quite satisfied with the way I look at the moment. I can live with my body how it is now. Maybe I'm just scared again that somehow I'll lose control if I let go anymore from my structered recovery. Like, why would I ruin what I've got now, which is livable, just to try and get a bit further into recovery and maybe not cope and let it all go?

SIGH.... so many questions... and I have to find the answers in the end.... which I will, it can just get to be a big ole lonely place in my head!



Anyway, on a brighter note, I tried QUINOA last night. I'd never thought about using it before but came across an article while googling somethin' else. So, here's some piccies of my dinner (hubby & son didn't eat this, they were going out early eve so I did this for myself). Not the most exiting but here you go.



Boiled up 30g in water.







Added a slice of this tofutti cheese

Melted it into the cooked quinoa- yum!

And served it up with some chopped raw veggies & pumpkin seed oil & coriander & some raita dip.



Then I nibbled seeded bread with PB & CO Vanilla Heaven spread on it throughout rest of evening & drank loads coffee's.

Next time, I think I need to add a little more protein to my meal too. Was nice though, digested well. Bye for now. Xx