DOUBLE POST TODAY!! Sudden change in feeling!!

I know i've just posted BUT I've just had a rare BLAST of a revelation feeling come over me.
I left the office to pop over road and get Red Bull- and I sprang out, strided up to 'The crossing'- the cars stopped and I waved 'cheers' to them and carried on walking- I got my favourite coat on (long, black, leather coat- much like a funeral director or vampire might wear), my school shirt (don't laugh), hubby's tie, pin-striped trousers, my hair looks good, I feel bloody great AND then I held the shop door open for a business man who insisted I come through first... I shook my head, kinda winked at him and said 'Sod womens lib!' and he smiled and came through, and I just felt pumped & powerful and happy and then this thought swept over me- that- right now, at this point in my life- I AM happy with things, with my family, the way I look, the effort I'm putting into crushing this ED ,my life as it is. I'm just afraid that things won't stay this way- and maybe that's whats bringing me down...
Maybe it's only me that can make things stay the way they are, so far as I can and I should really give myself a break. I'M content... I'm living a better quality of life than in years! Things are, overall- going good.
I just felt like I needed to add that, especially after the post just before- I told you I have many different thought patterns in a day (Oh, Bi-polar alert)... I think it's important to grab at the positives as well as rant about the negatives! Xx

Waste or Worry not?

I've started buying certain food, like hummus or big yogurt pots... and immediately throwing half away.

I'm the only person, in my household, who eats these things.

I love them. I love hummus. And big pots of creamy yogurt, to go on cereal.

But the others don't eat it. And I find these foods 'scary' or fear foods, if you like; due to their high nutrition content in a small amount, relatively speaking.

But I could probably eat an entire pot/ tub of them in a day due to the tastiness and the fact that they're not stodgy and filling, on their own, but very eatable straight from the pot.

And I hate to feel that I have to eat something, just because it is nearly at it's sell-by or use-by date. But I do.I know that a 'non-disordered' eater would just eat it and not think anymore about it. But I guess I get issues.

So- instead of waiting to get to that point, I have started immediately 'halving' the contents- throwing half out, as soon as I buy it, so that I have half left to use for my meals and not a GREAT BIG pot. That seems to work better, in my head, than throwing away the unused gone off half???? It lowers my anxiety from the start, instead of it lasting days where I will be sitting at work thinking 'I must use up that hummus tonight but... Oh no- we're having Spaghetti Bolognaise and I won't be able to fit it into my meal... what a waste!'

I could but smaller pots but the items, as mentioned above, don't come any smaller and I buy them to be 'normal' and NOT have size issues... then do THIS crazy thing- !! Now I'm cross for writing this... such a fuck up.

Anyway- subject change: I noticed my handwriting changes in size and direction quite a lot, depending. On what, I'm not sure. I think it may be a Borderline Personality related trait. It annoys me though, as it triggers off the same thoughts as with food. That being 'Wow! I love the way I write today! I'm going to ensure I keep writing like this forever! Why would I have never written in this style before? Wow! What else can I write now, to keep doing it forever?'

Which is the same when I devise a new menu. Or wear a new outfit style. Or do my make-up a certain way...

God- this just goes on! No firm identity- no idea who I am or who I want to be, not really, not deep down.

And it's the same with my job.Which I love, what I mean is, lack of carrier/ direction. It's always been the same with every aspect of my life- I get bored- change my mind- get influenced from something/ somewhere/ someone..... and my whole philosophy changes; my attitude; my values; my opinions.

All because I don't REALLY know who I am at all.

I know we all change our views & outlooks etc, with time- but several times in day? Nearly every day? No wonder I'm confused and lost.

But am feeling bizarrely OK today. And will share with you, a pot of my favourite cream for my eyes & face. I love the texture & smell (reminds me of something from being a kid) and it sits nice and comfortable on my skin. I had sore eyelids last night and this made them feel lovely. I think I got Cillit Bang spray on my hands, then rubbed my eyes- or something. Silly girl!

Monday or Me?

I have a lot to say today but don't really know how to say any of it.
I suppose that would be because I don't know how I really feel today. I know how I want to feel... and that would be a result of the effort I try to put in through looking after myself, eating well, challenging negative thoughts, focusing on that 'half FULL glass' (not the half that got spilt and had gone flat anyway! Ooh Sar, so negative!!) and all the things that make life so productive and great.
Maybe it's a Monday thing.
Or a the fact that we were robbed of an hour yesterday (it takes a good couple of days to get over that hour being swiped).
Or it could just be that I'm having just TOO much going on in the old noggin and I need to filter it during the course of the day and see what's left.
I felt a bit crap at the weekend, like I was going to have a flu virus or somethin' simular. And the takeaway we got on Saturday night may as well have been something I fished out of the canal. Had we actually eaten it, I might have died painfully. No more to say about that though, just won't use them again.
Right- it's a bit of a Monday thing and a bit of a SAR thing.
AND... a tosser in a BMW didn't stop at the crossing for me today.

Today is MY choice to be a good one

'You do what you need to do and I'll do what I need to and we'll both wake up tommorow and the world will be a better place. I have 2 paths that will branch off around 6pm tonight and I'm pre-choosing the one that mean I wake tommorow feeling stronger and happier with far less effort'

This was my reply to a collegue who told me he was going out to get 'absolutely plastered' tonight and what was I going to be doing and why was I going to do that???

I had told him that I would be dropping my hubby off for a work outing then going home to prepare a lovely, fresh meal and pour a glass of red wine then watching some Sky+ recordings with my son, chilling on my bed, and probably be asleep by 9.30pm. This was met with a look from him, somewhere between confusion and disgust...LOL!
Strangely, on waking this morning, I immediately decided that today was going to be my choosing that I will do what I need to do in order to feel happy, safe and well AND strong.
I think it's due to a bit of a low feeling over the last couple of days, for one and another reason and I know that if I don't pick myself up right now- it will worsen very fast and become a mess.
I feel good with myself for finding the strenghth to be able to apply this as it's something I have been working on for last couple of months and it is usually not as easy as it seems to have been today.
I know things change very quickly, during the day, if something unexpected happens that cts off the 'good flow' but for now, I'm feeling good, yeah baby!!!

Just a quick flitting one here:

This morning I had to nip over to the post box before work, which involves crossing a zebra crossing, opposite the office building. I HATE going over that crossing as it causes me the biggest degree of anxiety to go over it and I actually had to convince myself that I was worthy enough to warrant the cars stopping for me to get across. And the more I thought about it, the more I realised that I ALWAYS hate going over that crossing and have done for a long time, yet I need to use it nearly every lunch break, to get over to the shops. It's like, if the cars or just 1 car doesn't stop for me, it means that the driver of that car has looked at me and didn't think I was worth stopping for..... I know that to be totally untrue but it's very real to me and today was the first time that I've questioned it. I have even been known to take post from the office and drive miles out of the way just to avoid going over the road. I have to stop for people to cross there when I arrive and leave work every day and it's no big deal- it's a small but busy village with this one main road running through it- I guess I think I will be making people angry by having to stop for me. And I have to gear myself up for it- strange anxiety situation when there could be so many other things on a daily basis that I would have thought would cause more of a 'problem'. Hmmmmm...
Anyway, lastly, I found these pics in my phone- I took them on our last trip down to Swanage, which is one of my special places in the UK that I love. We go for several weekends a year and It never fails to make me happy when I'm there.
The pics below were taken about 6am when I thought I had severe insomnia, only to realise that I hadn't taken my Zopiclone, Seroquel & other medication cocktail that night, which is an absolute MUST for me to have any chance of sleep (sadly enough) when I thought I had.
But it was even more beautiful in Swanage Bay, at that time of the morning, although the pics don't capture the whole experience. We due to go back at Easter weekend and I'm SO looking forward to it!
Have good weekend!Xx

The B word & P word

WARNING: POTENTIAL TO OFFEND/ UPSET (unintentionally)
*Parts of this post are truly graphic and may be disturbing to read. I talk frankly about some occurrences that took place when I suffered from Bulimia Nervosa 14 years ago. Please do not read if you may be uncomfortable with the behaviours that go along with this illness, I do not mean any offence or upset to anyone at all*
I wanted to share this as it's something that I experienced during my early ED days that was far worse to me personally, than any of the current ED stuff I battle with. I noticed, when reading through a few blogs out there, how much I can relate to the struggles and sheer hell of Bulimia, even though now, thank God, I got through the worst of that particular avenue of ED.


I find it particularly uncomfortable to talk about this, one of the main reasons being the guilt and disgust I felt toward myself when I engaged in this behaviour (it was FAR beyond my control so maybe 'behavior' isn't the right word here), the total lack of other peoples understanding of 'why one would do this to oneself 'and the utter lack of control that goes along with it- in fact- to me- I have never been so un-in control ever of anything than the way I was when I was 17 and suffered from Bulimia.

To briefly let you know the picture- my main issues now and for the past several years, have been with anorexia and under-eating or restrictive eating, with occasional bursts of purging while restricting.
(Very occasionally, out & out binges followed by purging, usually alcohol related and usually late at night and usually- a one off.)

I was hospitalized as a teenager twice within the same year, first for re-feeding/ anorexia treatment and then several months later, for full blown Bulimia Nervosa.
When I say full-blown, I MEAN full blown. I’m talking from morning til night bingeing (not just at mealtimes) and purging, several times a day-EVERY DAY. Using all the money I could find to spend on binge food, including draining my bank accounts, all my wages, unable to hold down a job for very long, alcohol abuse, suicide attempts, self-harm, severe depression, burst blood vessels in my eye, vomiting into bags in my room for fear of being caught (I lived at home with my parents), vomiting into anything- anywhere. It was worse than hell and the suicide attempts were real- I couldn’t stop this illness- even from fear of instant death due to the physical strain but I couldn’t bear to live with it and had no way out due to the intense fear of being fat.

I won’t drag on with this- it hit an all time rock-bottom at that point and I DID come through it enough to get back to living safely, and although still heavily ED loaded, I was through the other side of the B word hell cycle.

The events that followed over the next ten years were, all in all, positive and exiting and enabled me to end up, in a very roundabout long long story sort of way, married with a son.

This post was also sparked off in relation to something my husband said to me. As I mentioned before, the return of the full-on ED a few years ago (when I went back to hospital for treatment) is based around restriction and the anorexia issues and not really much involvement as regards Bulimia.
However, I mentioned to him last week, when we were discussing the last couple of years in relation to ED & recovery, that there had been a few incidents where I had purged food or blatantly binged, especially late at night when we’d been out drinking and then gone to the chip shop at 3am blah blah ….. and he was shocked… and hurt that he didn’t know. There is so much more detail I could go into here- but the bottom line is this:
I never set out to do this.

I rarely do it.

It is the one thing that, when it strikes, it’s usually unexpected, is totally out of control- I feel desperate and there can be no apparent trigger for it and often, no way to stop it.

It is very SECRET and very upsetting and leaves me hurting physically and mentally for days following, including a severe but short-lived heavy, black depression.


I'm sure many people can relate to these feelings and how much power they hold over us. This is also one of the main reasons I decided to limit my alcohol intake drastically. Alcohol numbs feelings... and accelerates them, ED wise. It changes the whole perspective and throws me into a place where ED is dangerous and wild. Not always….. but has done, enough times that I need to be very, very aware and careful always- even after months and months of hard work, eating well, not drinking too much etc. it can just bite and very hard.
I believe it’s something that I find hard to tell anyone when it does happen and find it emotionally draining for days after it too. I guess what I’m trying to communicate is that it’s quite easy to talk about if I have or haven’t eaten enough or if I’ve been not doing enough exercise or if I feel sad or down or scared but find it difficult to come to terms with if I’ve had a ‘purge’ incident.
So that’s my take on that. I hope this all ok to share, it’s like the ‘Silent Evil’ part of my ED that, although is very rare and occasional, is still something that I have to deal with and be aware of every day, along with the other stuff I talk about here.

Stay well, stay safe, keep on lovin YOU.
Thanks for reading. Xx

3 posts in one- A lot going on in head today!!

Watched Supersize V Superskinny last night, on TV. I absoulutely love programmes of this nature; anything about mental health, dieting, nutrition, eat-this-eat-that-DON'T-eat that, man with extra feet- basically anything along those lines facinates me and is my 'entertainment'.

I use them to fuel my knowledge and understanding of the very subject that is slowly destroying me and eating (no punn intended) into my ever shortening life by taking up far too much time!! (thats not gloomy, I mean that life is too short and everyday, it gets shorter).

This particular programme is watched by me & my son while my hubby is out and has become like a Tuesday night regular (and I watch VERY little TV due to short attention span and little interest in anything that's not going to benefit me- sigh!)

Quite obviously, to me anyway, the people on this show are in 2 categories. The skinnies basically have no emotional attatchment to food, aren't really that interested in it and for one reason or another, have just grown up and not really managed to take in enough energy to sustain a healthy body weight and just need to re-learn how to eat enough. The overweight participants, on the other hand, seem to me to have deeper issues in which food has been used as a comfort or an escape from whatever that may be. Bordering on the 'COE' area, which is interesting.... although I'm guessing they were given a certain degree of pyschological grilling before being accepted to go on the show.

Anyways- what I was ACTUALLY wondering WAS: when the underweight lot go away after the show and carry on with their 'new diet plans', how does the same pattern of weight gain not occur in them as it does when recovering physically from Anorexia? In that, we have an un-even weight distribution and gain lots extra body fat due to muscle wasting and fucked up metabolisms.... physically a lot of them have the same body types where their BMI's are well below 17 and due to their poor eating habits, have probably fucked their metabolisms too....?

Any thoughts, any one?

Flesh grabbing and bone feeling- Just sharing my thoughts here....

Just need to stop doing this so much.... maybe cos I don't use scales- it's like a measure. But I think I get used to the way my body 'feels' and then, like now, I can't really tell what the point of me doing it is.... like- when I was mega ill I used to constantly grab my upper arm and if my fingers didn't join, that would have been dreadful!!!! And now- I wonder if it's just an ED habit? A 'thing' that I do out of anxiety, maybe? But it's just something I noticed I do a lot- with my trousers as well- see how much room there is left since I last wore them? But it doesn't actually mean much to me anymore, which I guess is good? Or does it not mean much because everything feels ok now? After a couple of years into 'full physical recovery' I still did this-constantly and HATED what I felt!! I hated flesh above my jeans, flesh on my arms- everywhere- I could have cried everyday at the sight and feel of all that flesh. And now I feel ok with how I am- now I've levelled out the weight thing and have got rid of the 'puppy' fat extra that physical recovery slapped onto random body bits. Now- what I feel is ok. This must be a good thing, it must mean that I'm content with looking how I do, not desiring to be any thinner, feeling good with having the body I've got. I think the biggest issue I have now is that I want to stay this way- which is healthy- but gaining ANY weight is still a massive NO NO. So, is that still a problem??? Conclusion to self: It isn't RIGHT but it's a long way off from being wrong.

Not booked to see my GP like I was going to
I think I feel like I'm just too busy right now... or that I should wait a while- but I can't get my head around what to wait for??? I sometimes worry about reactions I might get from other people, whoever it may be, and if it's not the response I'm looking for- then I wish I hadn't bothered- don't know if i'm making sense today AT ALL. I need a weekend break away from normal run of things to clear some repetitive patterns that may be hindering clear thoughts...

And finally- I'm doing the family a roast dinner tonight with the first-time-ever- that i'll have hand cooked and roasted potatoes!! So i'll post a couple of piccies of that later- just because....! Xx

ED Voice shut up shut up shut up....!!

Just a quick one here- I actually want to write about the 'B' word (and the 'P' word that usually goes with that- i'm sure if you understand my B & P abbreviations you'll know what I'm on about??!! ) BUT, I'm saving that for when I can find a way to get across what I need to.
So, I've had:

• A sliced apple with tbsp Vanilla Heaven PB
• Coco Loco Nakd Bar
• Hummus, spinach & white cabbage sandwich on wholewheat
• Some strawberries

Reason I just posted this is because I've spent the last couple of hours thinking about if I've ate too much or not enough and battling in my head if I should add up the 'numbers'- you know- the C word....! And I've managed to ask myself 'what's going on here?'

I feel nourished and fed and not by any means stuffed- I've had my meals and snacks, as planned and the food choices I've made are balanced and healthy- so why would I need to add up any sort of numbers and ruin it??? 'What is THAT all about, hey Sar....?'

Ok- I'm glad I asked myself that cos this is what its about...

I haven't done any planned exercise for over a week now, that is, my exercise bike or skipping rope work-outs that I do at home sometimes. And much as I've made a deal with myself that I will only do them as part of a healthy lifestyle, I guess the ED side of things throws another light on it when I'm caught off guard. And the other 'trigger' has been the weekend events, eating maybe more stuff that's not in my meal plan and having a couple of extra drinks (alcohol) than I planned. But I need to re-inforce to myself that I have in no way done anything that warrants me trotting down the ED path to try and punish myself for LIVING a little.

I have all these fears, including waking up one morning and not being able to pull my jeans up my legs anymore or grabbing pounds of flesh that has manifested on me in the night... and much as I know this is ridiculous, I have to keep repeating the FACTS in my head- the straight forward factual facts as regards needing to considerably overeat for longer than 1 day to lay down extra lb's and that 1 extra pint of cider or an small size dessert or Larabar for a couple of days, ISN't going to turn me into some supersize. It doesn't happen like that.... And then there is the thoughts that go like 'Well, I'm different.... my metabolism is screwy'

NO SAR- it WAS screwy- during the recovery process 3 years ago, it was fucked. Fucked until about 6 months ago when it finally levelled out again. That's 2 and a half years of shit, recovering from an illness that you're hovering on if you keep making it a problem to eat a bit extra or drink a bit extra or SIT AND COUNT THE AMOUNT OF CALORIES YOU'VE EATEN SO FAR TODAY.

So..... I'm going to get a cup of coffee, take an apple, a babybel and an Alpro yogurt, and get on with day and enjoy the fact that I'm strong enough to fight the ED voice today. Xx

When food is extremely special.....

Ok, Mothers Day yesterday and my beautiful young son decided to cook a meal for last nights dinner. He even got a lovely bottle of Red wine to go with it (aaahhh, bless him!)


I love it when other people cook for me or going out for food as I now find it takes away a lot of anxiety as regards making a decision, or should I say, making the RIGHT decision, as to what to eat.


It used to be the other way round when I blatantly ate a completely different meal to the rest of my family, in that I would always have my 'safe' food and feel totally ok (yeah, I know that's completely ED subservience and I DON'T do that now) and going out was a nightmare regarding the fact of not knowing what was in the food, how much fat & calories and all that life destroying crap.


So, he went about preparing it and wouldn't tell me what we were going to have (he's only 12 and my hubby was in on the health & safety with ovens etc). It kinda didn't matter if he had chosen something that I find 'fearful' as I would have quickly put in place a series of thoughts to ensure that nothing would ruin our special meal.I could smell a lovely aroma drifting up the stairs and I commented how it 'smelled like Christmas). He told me that was because we were having turkey, so I got quite exited as I LOVE turkey meals, and xmas day meals are one of my true faves!

The meal consisted of:

Butter Basted Turkey, buttered herb herb new potatoes, onion gravy and winter veg (sprouts, carrot & cauliflower)

He also got a Sticky Toffee Pudding to cook but we're having that tonight instead as he didn't want us all to be 'stuffed' and we all agreed that then we'd have another nice treat to look forward to tonight.

He lit candles too and put my wine bottle out to go with it all. (See pics attached)

And it was truly special....

He even asked me to take a picture to go on my blog!!

They then washed up at the end of the meal so I could just go chill out with my wine.

Apart from the obvious of me being extremely proud of my son to be so thoughtful and go to an effort (especially on a Sunday night and when he just could have got me a card & flowers)- having others in my house take control of meals is such a treat and gives my head a nice rest from the constant anxiety brought about by the daily decision making on food. I don't mean that to sound like I really badly struggle or dislike preparing meals, it's just so much of a big deal to me when I don't have to do it that I find it one of the best experiences to have.

As I was eating it, I also noted how much it meant to my son and found it almost tear-worthy that I can hurt myself so badly with the very thing that he was showing his love for me with- if that makes sense?

I also thought that if every night, I could find, without second thought, a reason strong enough to eat unquestionably, how lovely that would be! Of course, I value my health enough to do the right thing most of the time now, it would just be nice to get to the point where there was no pre-thought trail of having to justify eating or have conversations with myself about it being 'ok' to eat and not feel guilty for it. However, to be given a night like last night, where it goes so much deeper than just food and eating, is something that means so much to me and I wanted to share that with you.






Our lovely meal (ok, we ate at the breakfast bar in the kitchen but note candles and a vase!)


After dinner hugz for my personal chef!



Million thanks for a wonderful Mothers Day, Max! Love you. XX

And, on another note- I have decided to book and see my GP tommorow, if I can, to get something on the roll as regards a bit of support in the nutrition area. So, i'll see how that goes but I am looking forward to doing the best thing here and not just leaving it, hoping that things will just get better on their own- they may well do but I don't think I have anything to lose by talking to them about it.

Xx

Asking for help to keep up good work...

Why, when things are going good, and I'm proving to myself that I can do 'normal' things- like eating and drinking and staying happy with the way my clothes fit and my body image and getting on with doing everyday activities and living a wholesome, happy life- why why why after weeks of proving to myself that I can do it and it works and I don't have to be fucked up- do I still get the most massive anxiety attacks and overwhelming sense of unstability? Is it because I can't bear to just get on with it for fear that when it does go wrong, I won't be expecting it or be able to cope with it?
I THINK I NEED TO ADMIT TO MYSELF THAT i'M STRUGGLING TO DO THIS ON MY OWN NOW.
Which isn't a bad thing.... I need to get some guidlines outside of the 'personal' opinions, which is all I have to rely on the moment. What I need is someone to monitor my body weight from a clinical point of view and a Registered Dietician to see every couple of weeks to over see that I'm eating right, as I seem to be losing my focus amist all the 'trying to do it right this time' stuff.
If I have those 2 things, at least i'll have someone to answer my questions, my confusions- back up my thoughts and perceptions from a non-biased factual viewpoint. And maybe it's like passing a great majority of my anxieties over to them and admitting that 'yes, I'm finding it hard right now'.
I don't need a pyschiatrist or any of that stuff- hell, I know it's not right but I've come to terms with the fact that I have eating issues for WHATEVER reason, a vast variety of reasons but the cause of them won't cure me- I'm not even interested in working through the head stuff- it's black and white there- I have a massive huge fear of weight gain and after 15 or more years battling this, I'd like to say that it's preferable to me at this point in time to stay in a place where I can keep safe, keep well and continue my own patterns of recovery in the 'getting my head round it' department. I just need hardcore clinical assistance and the rest is up to me.

ED to full recovery -such a large space in between

I feel so tired lately, partly because we have been busy at home re-arranging all the bedrooms and building/ moving furniture pretty much non-stop all weekend. Also, wasn't well on last Friday with various ailments going on but I did manage to look after myself food wise, having my usual meal plan with snacks so that was ok.
I guess I just realise sometimes how the gap between a full blown eating disorder and full recovery is so so big.

On one hand, I think about the horror of anorexia and the constant starvation and tiredness and all the hell that came with that and lack of any sort of life and compare it to now- it is worlds apart.

And now, where life is so much more pleasent and I can go to work without a starved brain and do exercise and have fun with my family and eat out at restaurants, although it IS such a long, long way forward from the anorexia days, it is STILL sooooo far from actual recovery.



For example: I go to bed quite early, mainly due to 'routine' associated with my medication and also because it fits in with my structured day. And while this isn't wrong or destructive, it still limits my choices as regards 'Living'.



I don't like to see friends during week day nights as it wouldn't fit in with how I like to plan for evenings to be, again, partly because I work all day and then spend time doing homework with my son and all house-hold stuff and another quite big part because I like to have dinner, then some coffees and wash-up and have a set routine as to leading up to sleep time. And I guess this is because I know it keeps me safe and healthy and mentally level. But I think others around me would find this hard to comprehend as I think it can be black and white to everyone else. But the grey in-between seems more tiring and draining than the black part- if you get me??



When I do 'let go' a little, which I do at weekends and on the odd evening, it feels good- I feel free and happy and often very pleased that I have done something a bit different. But if I try and make it last for longer, it becomes overwhelming and I feel like my head becomes confused and anxiety levels raise so much that it brings about a surge of ED related behavior just to regain a grip on reality- which I know is a complete paradox in itself. I guess it scares me- a 'scared' that I can't change right now at this point. But why should I? I've done so well, why try and make it all better so fast? It's 100% better to be where I am now than very ill- yes? I just get so worn out thinking about it......



I'd be lying if I said that I don't still have issues with my clothes and their fit and the way I feel others see me. Having said that, I'm quite satisfied with the way I look at the moment. I can live with my body how it is now. Maybe I'm just scared again that somehow I'll lose control if I let go anymore from my structered recovery. Like, why would I ruin what I've got now, which is livable, just to try and get a bit further into recovery and maybe not cope and let it all go?

SIGH.... so many questions... and I have to find the answers in the end.... which I will, it can just get to be a big ole lonely place in my head!



Anyway, on a brighter note, I tried QUINOA last night. I'd never thought about using it before but came across an article while googling somethin' else. So, here's some piccies of my dinner (hubby & son didn't eat this, they were going out early eve so I did this for myself). Not the most exiting but here you go.



Boiled up 30g in water.







Added a slice of this tofutti cheese

Melted it into the cooked quinoa- yum!

And served it up with some chopped raw veggies & pumpkin seed oil & coriander & some raita dip.



Then I nibbled seeded bread with PB & CO Vanilla Heaven spread on it throughout rest of evening & drank loads coffee's.

Next time, I think I need to add a little more protein to my meal too. Was nice though, digested well. Bye for now. Xx

Explaining yourself based on BMI/ Weight

This is a bit of a rant but terribly frustrating, I feel I just need to shout very loudly and somehow make somebody listen.

Here's how it is:

Right now, I'm having a few physical problems with different ailments but I'm trying my best to look after myself and seem to be, overall, doing ok.

I 'm doing my meal plans and eating a wide range of foods, from all food groups and although it's sometimes very hard, and ED will poke it's ugly head in (whats new?),I'm managing it all better than I have in a long, long time. And when ED issues come up- I try to rationilize them, deal with it, make it better and learn from it, which I've never had the strength to try and do before.


Problem is this: because I have dropped a few pounds (I don't have scales BTW, just clothes to go by) there are a few people starting to notice and question my health in relation to the ED. Some of them are people very close to me, whom care about me and are concerned and some are village gossips who love nothing better than to find a 'scandel' or something amiss to fill their sad little lives with the business of others rather than deal with their own sh*t.

However, regardless of who they are and the reason for their concern, ONE THING that winds me up the most is this- mentally, I am far stronger, far more stable and far happier and content with my life RIGHT NOW than I have been for the last 4 years, despite being at a bit lower weight than I have been BUT am definately not underweight in a cause for concern type way. And -over the last 18 months, where I have been at a weight a little over 'ideal', I have been in an ED hell which has caused the most horrendous personal problems relating to alcohol, aggression, binge eating & vomiting, depression and many other mental disorders, all based around the fact that I had recovered physically, but definately NOT MENTALLY.

Yet, no-one really understood, if they knew at all, which most didn't. I covered it well so as not to draw attention to myself, having been hospitalized a year previous, I had to be seen to be well and hold down a life.

People would make comments constantly on how well they thought I was doing and all that and I just wanted to cry and scream at them and tell them that the hell going on in my head was far worse than at any other time and I just couldn't deal with it. But it didn't matter- because I looked well, so I should just be thankful for that. Human nature, I guess..... sigh

And now, it's like the opposite way round- where I may not 'look' terribly well BUT definately don't need anyone fussing as I'm doing ok ED wise, (which is the demon in my life) and feeling pretty damn good.

I just wish there had been as much support on offer when I actually needed it, when I was at breaking point several times over the last year- and not really now when life is pretty good on a personal, mental health level.

I guess I'm just ranting on as it seems so so so unfair that now I'm feeling happy and levelled out, it can't be accepted by others as all they seem to want is to see 'a bit of colour in my cheeks' and 'a bit more flesh on my bones'

RANT OVER. Just needed to vent a little. I know it's only cos they care. I just sometimes need to get it out so that I don't have to keep toying with it in my head. Kind of, get it out and move on.
Have a good day peeps. Xx

Breakfast 3 -some!!!! Oooh!

Helllloooooo.....

Just a quickie post here, I got a little exited about some 'experiments with flavours' that I did. I see so many of you out there with wonderful food creations and mine are comparitively unexciting/ unadventurous but these were quite an achievement for me. I was a stickler for having everything in ready-made portioned labelled packets/ quantities, so to mix it up and have many different things together was a bit of a challenge BUT it's a good way to NOT be able to pick over everything and evaluate the content and is good for the freedom feeling it gives me around food. So- I had these:

I did them in little portions. I got Oats with warm malted milk (Horlicks- YUM!!!) and All-bran with vanilla Rice Milk and oats + warm vanilla rice milk & white choc PB.
I ended up nibbling a bit of each and it was a taste sensation!! And just enough to equal a 'full portion'. So, if in future, I can't decide what to have- i'll do this again and have a bit of everything. I guess that works across the board with nutrition- a bit of everything (as long as it's enough, of course!)
And.... only because I never tried this flavour and it was delicious! Banana cookie Larabar- and I spread some white choc PB spread on top too- with a cup of coffee made with hazelnut-almond rice milk.... good eats day, taste wise!!!

I've let myself down over an ED issue

*This post mentions a few ED behaviors that may not be suitable to read if you're having a bad day ED wise. I'm sharing here as regards what I'm going to do about it now, to put it right and not let it happen again*

So, I fucked up last night and this morning with my stupid ED mindset worming it's way into my head and messing up a situation which I should have known better than to let happen- aarrrgghhh!

What happened? It started when I decided to do a 30 min skipping stint with my weighted rope when I got in from work- purely because I'd done nothing all week but sit and work at my desk and I felt like a bit of a 'shake-up', get some serotonin flowing... and it was good stuff, i felt enlivened and awoken and so I got a shower and started to prepare dinner for myself and my family. Then, whilst I was cooking and messing about in the kitchen, I decided to have a can of my favourite alcoholic drink- KOPPARBERG CIDER.

Now, I've discussed this before on here (see CHALLENGE UPDATE: Alcohol + food) and it should not have instigated a problem. And without going on too much about it, it seems I still have a 'bit of an issue' with this alcohol- during -midweek stuff.

It's like it has to be a treat, or something that I keep for the weekends only. And I need to get that dealt with in my head. I'd been doing really good with it and somehow, last night, I managed to twist it up and make a bit of a mess of today to boot. But i'm *trying* to put it right.

I ended up binning the potato off my dinner plate last night and then not having my hot chocolate drink before bed, in way of compensation for the can of cider (I actually had a can and a half in the end). I then planned that next morning I would just have brekkie as normal and it would all be ok again. BUT- when I did get up, I had slept later than normal, (probably because I had had the cider!!) AND THEN, while I was making my sandwiches to take for lunch, my husband made a comment about me using my teaspoon measure for the peanut butter I was putting onto the bread. I kinda lost it, I use the spoon measure as I usually under-estimate the quantity to use and I like to ensure that I have my full portion size. There was a time when I used the measure spoon for purpose of restriction and what I was cross about is that all that stuff was a long time ago and he should have been more tactful in the way he went about asking why I was using it. I guess he's not to know what the hell was going on my head so I did massively over-react- so then I ended up with a half-assed sarnie that I crumpled up in the foil to get it out of my way and it went in the bin before I left for work as I was upset. And I left the house with no breakfast inside me. Stupid girl.

So, then i'm at work, with a TREK bar for my a.m. snack and some oats & bran & PB & rice milk mixture with chopped fruits, that was going to be my breakfast.

So, I ate my TREK bar as usual and then ate the cereal mix & fruit for lunch and bought a bottle of Alpro Soya chocolate milk to go with it. Exept that I have only had half the bottle of milk and am saving the other half for my pm snack with a babybel because I'm feeling a bit full. And i'm now sat asking myself "At what point are you just going to jump back into reality and carry on with the really good work that you've been doing so well at over the last few weeks?"
The answer I'm looking for is "Right now".
I need to have my usual pm snack, as usual and carry on as I do any other day. It's that easy, isn't it? I have no reason to do continue being so unfair to myself. I blowing this out of all proportion and even as I'm typing, I'm realising how much stronger I am than this. I'm now going to focus on the rest of my day and enjoy it.

Having a couple of drinks wasn't bad or wrong and I know that. ED is a f**cker and doesn't want me to have anything nice to look forward to or to enjoy and is laughing at me now, flapping over it hours and hours later. So, I need to re-read the post on challenging alcohol and re-inforce exactly why I don't need to have episodes where ED is in control.

UPDATE:

Back in now and- just added this pic-the rest of my Alpro Soya Milk w, ice & babybel- I'm sat havin this now and am feeling HAPPY again! Xx

Control is more than the food...

I was busying about last night, as I do and trying to tidy up and move things about and all that, and I noticed that on my kitchen walls, I have several 'lists' that I don't actually ever pay much attention anymore. I have always been obsessive about lists and tick boxes but have been bit better lately. Thing is, I like to be organised and not forget anything at all. I guess I relate forgetting something or not doing tasks I need to, to failing or letting someone down.

A lot of 'lists' came from the severe restriction of food and I'm sure a great many of us with the ED curse have experienced massive compulsions with lists of food and numbers for calories and groceries etc.

But these lists below are all for different areas of my life and I became aware of how it's spread out for more than just food. But not in a way that made me feel sad, just sparked off in my head that I really do like to plan and control, even stuff that I shouldn't really need to.

I'll go through what the lists are and why I feel I need them.


This one is on my fridge door.


Its my suggested meal plans for each day.


Funny thing with this is, I never really look at it- I know what I eat.


Also- I update it and change it from time to time and each new one that goes up becomes extremely important- like this meal plan is going to be the final be-all end-all best meal plan ever.... until the next one comes along and this one goes in the bin because it is 'silly' and 'not right now'.


This is in my kitchen also.


This list was done when my son started 'Big' school.


It lists items which he needs to ensure he takes to school on certain days.
He is Mr Dis-organised (like most 12 year olds!) and I put this together, mainly for my own peace of mind, to ensure that as the 'Great Parent' that I am, he will NEVER get into trouble for not having his buss pass or sports kit.
I project that by not having these things, there will be knock-on effect that will develop into an unbearable situation.... like- they won't let him on the bus and I'll have gone to work and he won't be able to contact me and then he'll get kidknapped and so on.... OTT I know but then I would feel it was ALL my fault because I didn't check THE LIST.

This one is my diary, as in day-to-day appointments, anniversary log type diary- practical use.


This book goes EVERYWHERE with me.


Funny thing is- there are post-it notes at the front and back of it with even more seperate lists, such as 'next weeks shopping items' 'music to get off i'Tunes' and others too weird and complicated to mention.
In here, there are many practical notes- with tick boxes next to them, of course. There are also other notes regarding things to do/ need doing, that have tick boxes and can cause big anxiety if the boxes don't get ticked. If I lost this book, I think i'd die!!!!! I don't know if you can see it on this pic but on this particular page, there are numbers at the top, where, sadly, I had added up a total of food cals for that day- I DON'T DO THIS ANY MORE!!! I even have codes in circles with LT- do at lunchtime AW- after work AM -before I leave the house for work!!

This is actually one out of the front of my diary and is a copy of the one on the fridge door.











And this one, ( below) is a 'clothing' notepad...... It sits next to my bed and I fill it in everytime I wear a combination of clothes- including boots, jackets, accessories- that I really like the combination and felt good wearing it. I saw this as a positive thing to start with, as it gave me something to use when I became terribly anxious about how I looked- I would search through this notebook and remind myself what I wore on a particular day and then be able to re-create it without pulling on and off millions of tops and all that and getting all hot and bothered and running out of time. I don't write in it very much but when I do, for some reason I do it quite secretly and would be quite embarrassed if someone found it.... I guess maybe I feel weak for having to do that and not be able to just say 'sod it, i'll wear anything'.
IDK.... depends on the day and the occasion and the people we'll be out with.... like food- it's good days and bad days where it's the end of the world to have to get dressed or the best thing ever cos I love my clothes!!!!














However..... I know some of my lists are totally OTT and that it can cause me major anxiety but I do get stuff done and thanks to a lot of them, I'm bloody well organised. I suppose at some point I will try to challenge which ones I can let go of and maybe also, try not taking responsibilty for stuff that my son and husband can ensure gets done by their own means.

Will be posting later after spoke to doc's BUT today is a lot more positive and happy than last few days, I'm feeling a new strength today which is very good! Smiley face today. Later Xx.

Oh, soooo tired but REALLY trying, yes I am!!

I Found that peanut butter, the White Chocolate Wonderful.... they've re-named it Vanilla Heaven and I've ordered a load of it off of a website who supply UK with American goodies (http://www.americansweets.co.uk/)

- not to say that my own creation isn't ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL!!! I have it daily and even got my son, Max (who claims to disklike PB) eating it from the jar with a spoon!!



As regards me, I don't really know how I feel right now. Do you ever wish that you could hold on to a 'feeling' or a way of living, forever? Like, when you've had a really good, positive week and feel so in-control and free at same time???? Let me try and explain.... a couple of weeks ago, when I started this blog, I'd set myself some goals and aims for getting it all together, ED wise. And I'm doing really good. Just my health is proper going down-hill and I'm not entirely sure why.....?



I know, deep down, that years of abuse via Eating Disorders, is most probably to blame for a lot of the health problems I'm having now. Also, the fact that i'm nearly 33, not 23 anymore means I prob can't keep 'getting away with it'-It seems almost a little ironic that the first time I've actually got somewhere with sorting this ED from it's roots and trying to do it all in little steps and do it right, is the first time now that I'm having medical implications that it's caused.

Yes, I've had digestive trouble and dental problems and circulation irregularities but it's all been stuff that I can put right or at least, make better.

The scary on it now is irreversible complications that may have worsened and be starting to affect me physically; I just feel so unwell generally. I'm hoping that a minor case of iron deficiency can be blamed for it but I'll see when I get my bloods back tommorow and take it from there. It's easy to imagine the worst possible out-comes- i'm an expert in that!!



So... what am I eating then? Just for fun, I like to share!



I'm doing the All-bran, soya milk & chopped Kiwi for my brekkie, right now. I tried for a week or so, not portioning it out i.e. random cereal & milk amounts but I found I was probably under-estimating a little on a proper size, so I've begun to measure it, just until I can comfortably do it with no second thought (I don't liked doing this but for now it ensures I get my full portion, no anxiety)



I always have my Trek bar mid-morning- it lasts for about half-hour and is truly fantastic. I could eat thse for every meal (I know that's wrong and I WOULDN'T!). I also got my Larabars by post delivery the other day, in a variety of yummy flavours, so i'll be swapping some Trek days for Larabars.



Lunch is ALWAYS a sarnie....... cashew nut butter and marmite and white cabbage OR white choc PB & cabbage (that's sooooo yummy, honestly- try it). I WAS having a glass of soya milk with that but I haven't brought it to work with me last couple of days- I guess I need to get back to making sure I do that, only a little thing but very important to me on a pyschological level.



Afternoons- usually an apple & babybel lite cheese and a few cups of coffee with Hazelnut+ Almond Rice Milk. Or, if I feel I need it- another bar or a small cereal & soya milk.

And dinner is dinner. I feel like I'm doing really well with the flexibility on this meal. My family are lovin that I will eat pizza with them and cook curry or spaghetti and stuff that I never bothered with before. So that's good.... Again, my portions should maybe be a little bigger but I just can't fit it in right now- maybe I have to look at that once I know whats goin on with my body, after tommorow's results. I feel like I'm making excuses, waiting for these tests to come back but it's worrying me greatly right now and I guess I just don't want the extra anxiety until I know what I'm dealing with. And, I'm just SOOOOO tired. But I will be fine and will carry on with the good stuff- the good thoughts- the happy-positive- I'm not going to be beaten thoughts- always. X

Physical ailments, makes me wonder...? RANT

I don't know... I get soooo confused and frustrated. I had a GP appointment today to get some blood taken- just for general thyroid, counts, anaemia etc. I mentioned about the wierd shakes I'd had last week (I posted about them earlier in week) and asked what might cause it or what it may be.... the nurse said maybe I should moniter it and come back and see my GP if it happens again but to start with, just see what the blood tests show.



AND I suppose it just got me to thinking about how I look after myself and if it's enough and how that NOW... after sooo long, I AM really trying to do the best thing for myself on a daily basis. But not just making sure I get all my nutrients and energy but also that I try and conquer the negative thoughts that flood in.


Anyway.... I just get tired of thinking about it sometimes- you know.... and I wish I wasn't like that but it is.

However... I'm alive, I'm smiling (yes, I am!) and it could be a lot worse AND
it IS Friday and I'm looking forward to a good weekend, I have 'things' to do, pleasent things with my family and so I will focus on enjoying that instead. Xx

White-choc-PB RE-VISITED!!!!!

Ok, so I JUST CAN'T get that White Choc Wonderful here in the UK so I tried to re-create it last week- problem is, I think, I heated it up to mix it together (the PB & White choc spread). It kinda burnt......!! So, this morning I re-did it with some PB & Co Smooth stuff that I found in Tesco (wow! they do have some good imports but not enough!!

AND.... I think it just may have been successful.























I started with these 2 lovelies above........................

And chucked them in my blender- there was loads of oil on top of the PB that had seperated so I knew it would mix together pretty good! I blended them all up and could smell the beautiful aroma of both white choc and PB- ahhhhh!

I washed out my 2 jars with hot water n kitchen-roll dried them. It mixed beautifully and it kinda 'peeled' away from the plastic bowl without any sticky mess!! No waste!! Yea!

Ok, so pic not too good here- I had buttery fingers- but I re-filled and labelled my jars and stuck em in the fridge. I think I will keep one jar in there to 'keep' and the other in my cupboard so it's at room temp for optimum spreading and melting!

I already made my lunch sandwiches today and SOOOO wanted to use this on them instead.... And I'd just finished breakfast (sad face!) But..... I may swap my mid-morning TREK bar for an apple n dip of this..... Yes, that's a good idea. BTW... for my lunch I always have a sandwich during the working week, which is usually chopped white cabbage with either: cashew nut butter & marmite OR hoummous OR fruit butter spread & turkey BUT ALWAYS with white cabbage. It goes with anything and crunchies up my sarnie and, being bland in flavour- it just 'works'.

WELL, THAT WAS THIS MORNINGS EARLY FUN (8AM!!)

Gotta go for now, but will be back later to rant about my day!

XX

REAL rockin' ladies that make me feel positive

Lin-Z

Kari Byron

Juliette Lewis

Cristina Scabbia


After my last couple of posts, I decided to cheery things up a bit and share something that I have in my little 'Book of Positivity' where I write random thoughts, feelings etc (well, used to, it's all on here now!)

The media gets a lot of stick, and rightly so sometimes, for portraying un-healthy attitudes from celebs and all that ( it's the kids I worry about, I AM old enough to know better).

BUT there are a few out there that I find pretty aspirational. I know it's a very personal thing and depending on our own interests n personality types, we all see something different in everyone/ everything. The women I have pictured, all for me, make me feel happy and positive and watching them in action, doing what they do etc. sometimes helps me to shake off bad thoughts about myself. Each of them also portray a sense of really enjoying life and not taking stuff too seriously and doing what they love, WITH ATTITUDE!! They make me wanna get up and shout ' Yeah! Go girl! Cos life is fantastic!!!! Just live it!' Not too mention their truly wicked dress sense and non of that mega-skinny-i-don't-drink-beer stuff goin' on, which I take as a breath of fresh air.......... to me, these are ladieeeez who live, AND I LIKE IT.

(NB: I realise sometimes celebs have very real problems that don't always outwardly show and that these ladies may well have their own 'issues' but I am speaking from a viewpoint of how they come across to everyone in the positive way that they do for me, based on what I know about them from interviews, media coverage etc.)

So, who are they and why do they rock????

Lin-Z

First pic is Lin-Z from a band called Mindless Self Indulgence. She is also married to the lead singer from My Chemical Romance, another damn good band. I don't know an awful lot about her exept that I love their music and love reading about her antics and looking at her outfits and watching her play guitar- she looks like she enjoys what she does and rocks hard. Love her hair, make-up and everything about what she does and way she does it.

Kari Byron (from Mythbusters)

This girl is wicked!! I sometimes watch Mythbusters just to feel better if I'm a bit down-poor-little-me stuff goin' on. If i'm thinking about deffing my afternoon snack or something crap like that, I'll watch Mythbusters and think to myself 'Kari wouldn't def her afternoon snack, she'd get it down her neck and get on with her day' which might sound a bit cheesy but I'd bet it true!!

She's always smiling and she's such a tomboy with great style and lots of gutsy attitude. This girl is one of my true faves for feel good time.

Juliette Lewis (movie actress and lead singer 'Juliette & the Licks')

I saw this band at V Festival in 2007 and this lady knows how to perform big style!! As a rock-singing bird in a band full of blokes, she is just sensational! Her vibe is amazing and I love reading her interviews in music press. I love the fact as well, that being over 30 DOES NOT MEAN that we need to lose the spirit of being young and wild and having a bloody good time doing it. Again, wardrobe is bang-on style-wise and I'm lovin' her!

Cristina Scabbia (lead singer in band 'Lacuna Coil')

This is definately a 'last but not least' one.... to me, she is ultimately bloody wonderful.

In my opinion, Cristina is not only lead singer in one of my favourite bands (they ROCK!) but also one of the most stunning women I've ever seen. She seems so level headed in her interviews and so in-touch with what she does, it just makes me feel really good. Her voice is amazing and playing her stuff loud in my car is the best medicine for a down-day. Best of all, her clothes and outfits are my favourite out of all of them and I have a lot of clothes myself ,very simular to stuff she wears (i've always been a bit of a rock chick BTW!).

So, there we go..... sometimes other people can have real positive influences as well as bad (which is all the media seem to focus on!) And these lot sure do rock my world.

Is staying 'safe' too much like ED?

I been reading a couple of blogs earlier and it got me to thinking (although this is on mind a lot last few days)... about having 'set' meal times, snacks etc. and not feeling comfortable with anything that disrupts this routine. Thing is, although this is another element of 'control', it's not really a destructive control thing- more a staying well strategy, at a time when I still feel a little vulnerable.



I sometimes question the amount of time I might spend 'planning' for a night out or a meal that I know will be later or earlier than usual but I know that at the end of the day, its to keep me well- to prepare for any ED thoughts and work out a way to get through it PRIOR to them springing upon me and ruining the night.



I've tried, over the last couple of years, doing the 'just block out ED and go enjoy yourself' and have had real good fun- BUT In my (sad) case, I can push the feelings away for a while and tell myself and ED that its ok, and then, it catches up with me and I sink into an overwhelming depression and self-hate- maybe this is because I have a tendency to go TOO FAR the other way.



If I let myself enjoy partying and eating and convince myself that 'it doesn't matter if my favourite jeans are too tight, i'll get some more' or ' doesn't matter if I eat this pizza til I'm stuffed like my friends do because they do it and so it must be ok for me to as well'- only difference being that I just can't deal with my favourite normal size jeans being too tight or being too far above my nonormal weight range, because much as I want to be well and healthy- I definately don't want those things happening either !!!! I won't and wasn't- happy with that either.



So maybe its just me and I should still still be in therapy working out what my problem is??????



I know what the problem is already- my ED is just SO deeply en-grained into my life that by doing things the way I am trying to now, I can hopefully suceed in over-powering it.



I guess its like this- Of course I'm looking forward to a time when I've conquered this ED FULLY and can confidently go about life without it but if it means having to compromise for a short time and do it really, really slowly, then its worth it. I know 'Life is too short' n all that..... but after relapse and relapse, I just want to GET IT RIGHT and not just THINK I'VE GOT IT RIGHT. I'll keep working on it and finding solutions to the things ED throws back at me- and with lots of practice, i'll get there.

HAVING SAID ALL THAT, THESE ARE MY ACHIEVEMENTS SO FAR THIS MONTH:

• Started to eat good-quality (protein, starch, fat) regular meals and snacks to keep energy levels up and stable
• Stopped eating just safe foods and incorporated eating foods I like and would eat if ED didn't try and stop me
• STOPPED COUNTING CALORIES- A real biggy for me- I've ALWAYS done this for years and years and to let that go, regardless of any other 'controls' I have, is a big head rush for me personally!!

So, on the plus side here, I'm pretty chuffed with this for now and it means I'm going in the right direction :)

3 Years on, WHY am I STILL at this point???

I once said, more than once actually, 'Anorexia was hell..... recovering from it is F#*cking HELL' and, I meant it.

Nearly 3 years ago, just after my 30th birthday, I left in-patient treatment and f#*cked up. My weight plummeted and I became physically extremely unwell, again.

My issue right now is: what went wrong? What happened that has meant that the last 3 years, until recently, have been an ED hell, even after making a full PHYSICAL recovery. In fact- Christmas this year was about the best time, ED wise, I can honestly say there has been for about 5 years. I'd managed to get my weight back to where I was comfortable, after the un-even, unbalanced recovery gain of too much fat and not enough muscle- uneven distribution and a well buggered metabolism!!! (see Minnesota Starvation study- it's what happens)http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Minnesota_Starvation_Experiment

I consequently had to re-go through recovery at home with my family (husband and young son) and at the same time- carry on with normal life.... go to work, run the house, look after my son and his needs and carry on like usual, regardless of the unbearable struggle to come to terms with having to re-gain a lot of body mass. This is where the 'Escapism' kicked in- BIG TIME.

It seemed like a big black tunnel ahead. I'd not got my head into 'true recovery'.... I should have stayed at the hospital a lot longer in order to come round to that but chose to leave.

I knew I had NO choice but do what everyone wanted and EAT or risk losing everything I'd got. So I ate.... I let them feed me, I ate what they wanted me to. I drank alcohol- it fitted in with our 'normal' life of going out at the weekend and having fun and drinking with friends-LOTS of drinking and partying on Saturday nights, while my son is at his Dads for the weekend. I smiled, I went to work, I ate, life went on, I binged, I vomited, I drank and vomited late at night in despair when the pain of holding it all in became too much, I gained back weight, I looked more normal, LIFE WENT ON. And I was so terribly unhappy.

And the more 'healthy looking' I became, the more people around me assumed I was doing really good.

"Hey Sar, you're looking really well... how are you?"



"Um, yeah..ok... not actually too good- this is real hard and painful but, yeah...."



"Well you're LOOKING really well- keep it up"

YES... I WILL.... and I'll keep the pain all inside and not let anyone down because I can eat till i'm blue in the face and the monster inside that causes my ED hell will continue to stay there, sniggering at me for going with the flow and trying to eat him away when it doesn't matter whether I'm emaciated or obese- he'll still be down there, somewhere.

Life became pretty erratic, life at home was really quite unpredictable and dangerous and none of us was happy. I made friends outside of our social circle and detatched myself from 'home life' as much as I could....We had a few good days, then a terrible weekend, then maybe one really good weekend we fighted, we screamed at each other, I'd go on drunken food binges and vomit, and worst of all- I had these episodes where I would just suddenly 'click'... lose all control and let rip to the point of physical violence- this WASN'T the alcohol talking- this was the suppressed ED which occasionally the anger would build up from it to the point of overload on a scale too big for me to deal with-usually late at night after we'd been out on another 'mad' weekend and had what would have been 'fun' with friends. And I could NEVER tell when it would happen. It was almost certainly alcohol related, as these thing usually are- I even tried to blame the alcohol for it and say that maybe I had an addiction to that...? But I sat analysing and trying out new ways of living and it became all too clear that the root of EVERY DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR came from the ED.

No-one got it.

Only me and my husband knew the awful hell that was still going on and all our friends, with whom we socialised just saw the 'old Sar' - looking healthy- smiling- out enjoying life- drinking and frolicking about- just like before......

This carried on until November 2008, what.. 4 months ago now.

After one particularly bad drunken ED fuelled rage, I finally realised that I COULD NOT carry on with it. I decided there and then to get a 'Plan of Action' firmly into place.

I cut completely back on all alcohol, only to give myself head-space and actually experience the bad feelings ED was still doing to me. I didn't drink when we went out and I went home early and felt the anger but woke up feeling stronger. I battled it and challenged it and fought through to sort out the 'real' feelings and can say that it was the best thing I could have done. By Christmas time, I'd managed to implement a nice, happy, tranquil way of living, with sensible, if still ED controlled, meal plans. My weight settled back down to where I feel happy (although others expressed concern that I maybe started to look a little thin, I KNOW from my clothing etc that I'm still within healthy) and life is far more qualitive than has been for years.



And I guess this is where my whole blog actually starts.

I started to read other blogs, some of which are added to my blog list and started to get ideas for staying well and actually enjoying the process of staying well. I realise that I'm at a point where weight loss is not an option to stay well but I'm well enough to start enjoying eating good food and challenging the ED behaviors, which, so far, what this blog has been about!!!! And what it will continue to be about.

I have lost a few 'friends' over this new-found way of recovering properly, the way I should have let myself recover from the start- but if they can't understand my reasons for temporarily (or however long it takes) stopping the all-night drinking and 'fun'stuff for the good of finding a level way of living, then I really cannot make room for them in my life right now. Yes, I would like to have lots of fun doing those things again but right now, there's more important things to sort out to ensure a long-term decent lifestyle. And i'm in no rush- I just want to get it right this time.

And it's hard, and ED's suck and wreck lives but i'm NEVER giving up fighting it, I'm too worth it for that.

Weekend 'mistakes' and VULNERABILTY

Oh, what a strange weekend.... and an eye-opener of one...........
I have had a truly great time, living life as I want/ need but also realising that there are SOOO many 'ED' things still ticking away and affecting what I do far too much.

On Saturday night, we met up with my cousin & boyfriend whom used to spend lots time with but for one reason or other- haven't done in a long while. It was so nice to chat etc with her but one thing she did was comment on my appearance and ask if I was doing ok????? Bearing in mind, its over 6 months when I last saw her and I wondered where she was coming from with that....? I'd posted earlier that day about some 'shakes' I was experiencing and maybe wasn't my best when I saw her.
However- the mistake was that we got back in around midnight and I was very tired and rumbly tummy: I decided to have a hot drink and half a Larabar- I should have the whole bar........ why oh why oh why should I have just had half???????
It was the start of what I think, was not the best mindset to wake up Sunday.

The problem is, that during the week, I have everything 'planned'. I eat breakfast, go to work, eat my snack, eat the same lunch, come home, do whatever then cook some dinner. Weekends just 'aint like that.... and that SHOULDN't be a PROBLEM.

And though I felt much better on Sunday, the way the day was laid out, my meals were all out of 'sync' and I started to feel dizzy and tired.... I even began to analyse what I'd had that day and question if it was ok, foodwise BIG NO SAR!!!!... And i'm cross I did that!!

The last part of the day we were supposed to go out for a meal and it got too late (my son was due back from his dad's at 8pm) and then I had to throw something together and was TOO tired and hungry by then- the meal was a bit of a sad attempt and I ended up having a Seroquel just after to chill me down, try and 'sleep' the day gone so can wake up this morning and have 'new' day.

The other twists was these:
My parents dog passed away (naturally) late Saturday night and I had to break the news to my son when he got in, Sunday night, from his Dad's house. This was worrying me and I knew he would be extremely upset; he was devasted. (R.I.P. Lisha)

Also, we were in a health food store earlier that day and a girl in there had randomly starting telling me which milk tasted good and which didn't and I was chatting away about Almond milk etc thinking how friendly she was- when we left the store, my husband said 'Well.... that was Eating Disorders corner!' and I said 'What do you mean?' He said 'Well, SHE obviously wasn't WELL, I could see that'
It was kind of an off-the-cuff comment and he wasn't being stroppy or rude, just the first line made me wonder why he'd include me that scenario and question how I felt about what had just happened....
All these things just bring home the reality that there is still SO MUCH I need to do for myself to stay well and safe- thats what I hate about ED's.... it can change soooo fast but I don't want to go through the rest of my life looking over my shoulder, making room for if the ED thing just needs to pop in- thats not good enough, I'm just not sure what to do next- for starters though- today needs to be a positive pull-back day, a NEW day and carry on with the good stuff I've implemented so far.