Tuesday, 12 May 2009

Brick wall or climb over into life...

Before I started this blog, I had been very mentally messed up for at least 4 years previous, probably more.
No-one really knew the depth of it, maybe they did, doesn’t matter- things were BAD. Until the last 7-8 months. I challenged myself to make real progress ED and mental health wise.
I lost some weight- gradually, steadily and healthily, by eating well and drinking less alcohol. It worked- I lost the excess pounds from my initial anorexia recovery weight gain. And now I feel physically super! I’m happy with my body, the way I look and I eat a proper diet with adequate calories.

Alarm bells are, however, ringing in the ears of some others in my life.
This seems to be
a problem for THEM.

So, I’m compliant and eager to let them know things are going well… Yes, I’ll agree to get some checks done, just to keep on top of it.
Ok, so say I go to see my doc and we get my BMI measured to start…
Based on my calculations with a UK Official Health Chart, even if I’m a few pounds lighter than what I believe I actually am right now, I’ll still be in the ‘Normal’ range.
So the doc asks me how stuff is…. It’s great, life’s good and much better than the past 4 years. I’m happy at work, at home and in general.
I do moderate exercise, every now and then.
I feel generally healthy and my female system is working ok (although I have got some related issues, nothing to do with the ED, on that front- woman’s stuff!) I have enough of a body-fat percentage to produce hormones. If it comes about that I don’t, I will work with medical to people and sort it out. I want to be healthy.
My depression and mental health is stable, my outlook- very positive- My communication with my family when I have an off day- very good. I smile, I have energy, I love my life.
I go out for meals with my family and friends, I enjoy it very much. My range of foods has broadened and I’m not so afraid of eating things I would never have allowed myself before, going back even more years than the active-eating disorder.

I believe I will always have ED related issues for the foreseeable future.
One day, maybe something will click and I’ll let go completely. I believe that day will come and hope very much that it does.
Time is precious and I can sit around waiting for that day. Or I can do what I’m doing now- getting on with life, ensuring that I keep myself healthy, happy and challenging hiccups with eating issues that I would like to try and iron out, chip away at the many parts that make up my ED and slowly, carefully and thoroughly erase them from my life. As I’m doing now.
I need to be treated as the person that I am. Not as the person I was 4 years ago. I may be far from recovered but I’m far from ill.
Don’t take me for a child-like imbecile.
Be honest. Don’t conspire behind my back. Give me back what I give you- ask MY opinion, listen to me, understand what I say, what I mean, give me some credit.
I want the same as you- and so far, I’m doing a good job at getting it.
Don’t ruin it. Life is too short.
I have other interests in my life- things I want to do- things I already do, and am going to link a new blog, devoted to those activities and share what I love doing, what I’m good at and what my life is about and what I’m going to make it about.
I have ‘shared’ the ED and feel no need to share any further. I believe, for now, I have come as far as I can and am happy with the place I am at.
I will come back to this blog periodically but am going to work on setting up my new blog, my writing, my other life that exists outside of food issues.
Thank You.
Sar. xx

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