Sunday, 22 February 2009

I feel a need for another small change......

I need to sort out what I’m going to do as regards my ‘alcohol’ use- it’s been such a successful week for me on the Eating side as regards sticking to my menu and not measuring everything and the biggest one of all- not counting every calorie that comes near me- I can’t actually believe I’ve been able to manage to do that and I’m so proud of myself. I have stuck exactly to eating my meals and snacks and even though it can take a long time to get through even a sandwich, its been worth it!! I’ve even included a couple of foods that I would normally avoid for the sake of anxiety, like putting hummus on my sandwich where I could have left the bread dry- I just kept thinking that it was only myself I’d be cheating and repeating in my head that I NEED a balance of different foods… I’ve noticed as well as my other OCD related behaviors have decreased this week and how my mind has felt more calm and free-ed up from constantly adding numbers- its been great, I shall keep it up!!! Sooooo…. This ‘alcohol’ thing…. Its always been a funny relationship between myself and the demon drink!!!! I’ve never had an addiction to the stuff, just always chosen to drink it. The worst thing I did was to drink too much when trying to recover to a healthy weight and I kinda used it to numb the anger and the pain I felt from having to eat and I should have known better (I did know better, I guess I just wanted to be doing what everyone ‘normal’ was doing and fit back in…duh!) Problem now is that I’m trying so hard with the food thing, when I go out on the town and party like we did on Saturday night, I end up drinking too much ( I choose high content liquors with diet mixers when I actually like cider- hmmmmm ) then not being able to think properly or function ok next day, not to mention it then messing up my food choices due to a bad tummy. I DO NOT NEED THIS RIGHT NOW….. However, what I plan to do is incorporate it in a ‘healthy, normal’ way. It makes sense that with my lifestyle, it would be crazy to just say ‘never again, that’s it’ because I do enjoy a drink. Its different to choosing foods in way of having no nutritional value (or very little that’s gonna make me healthy) By the way- I usually don’t have anything all week until we go out on a Thursday with my parents, and then Fridays and Saturdays we usually go out for food and/ or drinks socially rest of week and Sundays I don’t drink anyway.
My aim for the next week, as regards the A word is this:

Don’t drink what I don’t fancy just because it is Low calorie- if going to bother, enjoy what I have- choose Koppaberg and make it last- enjoy the taste. Same as food- have it because I LIKE the taste and the experience of having it.

DO NOT feel guilty that I am adding in uneeded calories into my meal plans. In moderation, just like ANY type of food, it is perfectly ‘normal’ to have a glass with my evening meal.

Don’t drink to the point of being drunk- I found myself forcing it down at the weekend because others expected me to be drunk (was a birthday night out). Have more self love and do what I know is right FOR ME.

Remember that the feeling of being nourished and healthy is 100 times better than waking up feeling ill and not being able to eat right- I love to get up, go out and do things and hate to lay around in my PJ’s feeling sick just because I drank too much- this isn’t how I want to spend my Sundays and mess up my good week.

Socialising is more fun when I can remember conversations and laugh at other people who are very drunk- I have enough about me as a person to not need to drink in order to have a good time…. I used to believe that this was true…. Its NOT. It never has been, I love chatting to people and socializing and manage to do this all day long without being totally hammered.

I will review this over time and see what I learn from it…. See what works. Right, I’m off now and am looking forward to this week. I’m waiting for an order of Larabars and some Bakers & Larners Vanilla White choc spread to arrive and am getting exited about ways to get them into my menu’s daily! I find it fun as well as extremely scary but I know it will be towards having a better quality of life by not living by ED’s rules as I unfortunately have let happen for too long. I think ED rules were one of the few rules that WERE MADE TO BE BROKEN…. Completely.

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