Tuesday, 17 March 2009

ED to full recovery -such a large space in between

I feel so tired lately, partly because we have been busy at home re-arranging all the bedrooms and building/ moving furniture pretty much non-stop all weekend. Also, wasn't well on last Friday with various ailments going on but I did manage to look after myself food wise, having my usual meal plan with snacks so that was ok.
I guess I just realise sometimes how the gap between a full blown eating disorder and full recovery is so so big.

On one hand, I think about the horror of anorexia and the constant starvation and tiredness and all the hell that came with that and lack of any sort of life and compare it to now- it is worlds apart.

And now, where life is so much more pleasent and I can go to work without a starved brain and do exercise and have fun with my family and eat out at restaurants, although it IS such a long, long way forward from the anorexia days, it is STILL sooooo far from actual recovery.

For example: I go to bed quite early, mainly due to 'routine' associated with my medication and also because it fits in with my structured day. And while this isn't wrong or destructive, it still limits my choices as regards 'Living'.

I don't like to see friends during week day nights as it wouldn't fit in with how I like to plan for evenings to be, again, partly because I work all day and then spend time doing homework with my son and all house-hold stuff and another quite big part because I like to have dinner, then some coffees and wash-up and have a set routine as to leading up to sleep time. And I guess this is because I know it keeps me safe and healthy and mentally level. But I think others around me would find this hard to comprehend as I think it can be black and white to everyone else. But the grey in-between seems more tiring and draining than the black part- if you get me??

When I do 'let go' a little, which I do at weekends and on the odd evening, it feels good- I feel free and happy and often very pleased that I have done something a bit different. But if I try and make it last for longer, it becomes overwhelming and I feel like my head becomes confused and anxiety levels raise so much that it brings about a surge of ED related behavior just to regain a grip on reality- which I know is a complete paradox in itself. I guess it scares me- a 'scared' that I can't change right now at this point. But why should I? I've done so well, why try and make it all better so fast? It's 100% better to be where I am now than very ill- yes? I just get so worn out thinking about it......

I'd be lying if I said that I don't still have issues with my clothes and their fit and the way I feel others see me. Having said that, I'm quite satisfied with the way I look at the moment. I can live with my body how it is now. Maybe I'm just scared again that somehow I'll lose control if I let go anymore from my structered recovery. Like, why would I ruin what I've got now, which is livable, just to try and get a bit further into recovery and maybe not cope and let it all go?

SIGH.... so many questions... and I have to find the answers in the end.... which I will, it can just get to be a big ole lonely place in my head!

Anyway, on a brighter note, I tried QUINOA last night. I'd never thought about using it before but came across an article while googling somethin' else. So, here's some piccies of my dinner (hubby & son didn't eat this, they were going out early eve so I did this for myself). Not the most exiting but here you go.

Boiled up 30g in water.

Added a slice of this tofutti cheese

Melted it into the cooked quinoa- yum!

And served it up with some chopped raw veggies & pumpkin seed oil & coriander & some raita dip.

Then I nibbled seeded bread with PB & CO Vanilla Heaven spread on it throughout rest of evening & drank loads coffee's.

Next time, I think I need to add a little more protein to my meal too. Was nice though, digested well. Bye for now. Xx

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