Why, when things are going good, and I'm proving to myself that I can do 'normal' things- like eating and drinking and staying happy with the way my clothes fit and my body image and getting on with doing everyday activities and living a wholesome, happy life- why why why after weeks of proving to myself that I can do it and it works and I don't have to be fucked up- do I still get the most massive anxiety attacks and overwhelming sense of unstability? Is it because I can't bear to just get on with it for fear that when it does go wrong, I won't be expecting it or be able to cope with it?
I THINK I NEED TO ADMIT TO MYSELF THAT i'M STRUGGLING TO DO THIS ON MY OWN NOW.
Which isn't a bad thing.... I need to get some guidlines outside of the 'personal' opinions, which is all I have to rely on the moment. What I need is someone to monitor my body weight from a clinical point of view and a Registered Dietician to see every couple of weeks to over see that I'm eating right, as I seem to be losing my focus amist all the 'trying to do it right this time' stuff.
If I have those 2 things, at least i'll have someone to answer my questions, my confusions- back up my thoughts and perceptions from a non-biased factual viewpoint. And maybe it's like passing a great majority of my anxieties over to them and admitting that 'yes, I'm finding it hard right now'.
I don't need a pyschiatrist or any of that stuff- hell, I know it's not right but I've come to terms with the fact that I have eating issues for WHATEVER reason, a vast variety of reasons but the cause of them won't cure me- I'm not even interested in working through the head stuff- it's black and white there- I have a massive huge fear of weight gain and after 15 or more years battling this, I'd like to say that it's preferable to me at this point in time to stay in a place where I can keep safe, keep well and continue my own patterns of recovery in the 'getting my head round it' department. I just need hardcore clinical assistance and the rest is up to me.