Tuesday, 31 March 2009

Waste or Worry not?

I've started buying certain food, like hummus or big yogurt pots... and immediately throwing half away.
I'm the only person, in my household, who eats these things.

I love them. I love hummus. And big pots of creamy yogurt, to go on cereal.

But the others don't eat it. And I find these foods 'scary' or fear foods, if you like; due to their high nutrition content in a small amount, relatively speaking.

But I could probably eat an entire pot/ tub of them in a day due to the tastiness and the fact that they're not stodgy and filling, on their own, but very eatable straight from the pot.

And I hate to feel that I have to eat something, just because it is nearly at it's sell-by or use-by date. But I do.I know that a 'non-disordered' eater would just eat it and not think anymore about it. But I guess I get issues.

So- instead of waiting to get to that point, I have started immediately 'halving' the contents- throwing half out, as soon as I buy it, so that I have half left to use for my meals and not a GREAT BIG pot. That seems to work better, in my head, than throwing away the unused gone off half???? It lowers my anxiety from the start, instead of it lasting days where I will be sitting at work thinking 'I must use up that hummus tonight but... Oh no- we're having Spaghetti Bolognaise and I won't be able to fit it into my meal... what a waste!'

I could but smaller pots but the items, as mentioned above, don't come any smaller and I buy them to be 'normal' and NOT have size issues... then do THIS crazy thing- !! Now I'm cross for writing this... such a fuck up.

Anyway- subject change: I noticed my handwriting changes in size and direction quite a lot, depending. On what, I'm not sure. I think it may be a Borderline Personality related trait. It annoys me though, as it triggers off the same thoughts as with food. That being 'Wow! I love the way I write today! I'm going to ensure I keep writing like this forever! Why would I have never written in this style before? Wow! What else can I write now, to keep doing it forever?'

Which is the same when I devise a new menu. Or wear a new outfit style. Or do my make-up a certain way...

God- this just goes on! No firm identity- no idea who I am or who I want to be, not really, not deep down.

And it's the same with my job.Which I love, what I mean is, lack of carrier/ direction. It's always been the same with every aspect of my life- I get bored- change my mind- get influenced from something/ somewhere/ someone..... and my whole philosophy changes; my attitude; my values; my opinions.

All because I don't REALLY know who I am at all.

I know we all change our views & outlooks etc, with time- but several times in day? Nearly every day? No wonder I'm confused and lost.
But am feeling bizarrely OK today. And will share with you, a pot of my favourite cream for my eyes & face. I love the texture & smell (reminds me of something from being a kid) and it sits nice and comfortable on my skin. I had sore eyelids last night and this made them feel lovely. I think I got Cillit Bang spray on my hands, then rubbed my eyes- or something. Silly girl!

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