Tuesday, 24 March 2009

ED Voice shut up shut up shut up....!!

Just a quick one here- I actually want to write about the 'B' word (and the 'P' word that usually goes with that- i'm sure if you understand my B & P abbreviations you'll know what I'm on about??!! ) BUT, I'm saving that for when I can find a way to get across what I need to.
So, I've had:

  • A sliced apple with tbsp Vanilla Heaven PB
  • Coco Loco Nakd Bar
  • Hummus, spinach & white cabbage sandwich on wholewheat
  • Some strawberries

Reason I just posted this is because I've spent the last couple of hours thinking about if I've ate too much or not enough and battling in my head if I should add up the 'numbers'- you know- the C word....! And I've managed to ask myself 'what's going on here?'

I feel nourished and fed and not by any means stuffed- I've had my meals and snacks, as planned and the food choices I've made are balanced and healthy- so why would I need to add up any sort of numbers and ruin it??? 'What is THAT all about, hey Sar....?'

Ok- I'm glad I asked myself that cos this is what its about...

I haven't done any planned exercise for over a week now, that is, my exercise bike or skipping rope work-outs that I do at home sometimes. And much as I've made a deal with myself that I will only do them as part of a healthy lifestyle, I guess the ED side of things throws another light on it when I'm caught off guard. And the other 'trigger' has been the weekend events, eating maybe more stuff that's not in my meal plan and having a couple of extra drinks (alcohol) than I planned. But I need to re-inforce to myself that I have in no way done anything that warrants me trotting down the ED path to try and punish myself for LIVING a little.

I have all these fears, including waking up one morning and not being able to pull my jeans up my legs anymore or grabbing pounds of flesh that has manifested on me in the night... and much as I know this is ridiculous, I have to keep repeating the FACTS in my head- the straight forward factual facts as regards needing to considerably overeat for longer than 1 day to lay down extra lb's and that 1 extra pint of cider or an small size dessert or Larabar for a couple of days, ISN't going to turn me into some supersize. It doesn't happen like that.... And then there is the thoughts that go like 'Well, I'm different.... my metabolism is screwy'

NO SAR- it WAS screwy- during the recovery process 3 years ago, it was fucked. Fucked until about 6 months ago when it finally levelled out again. That's 2 and a half years of shit, recovering from an illness that you're hovering on if you keep making it a problem to eat a bit extra or drink a bit extra or SIT AND COUNT THE AMOUNT OF CALORIES YOU'VE EATEN SO FAR TODAY.

So..... I'm going to get a cup of coffee, take an apple, a babybel and an Alpro yogurt, and get on with day and enjoy the fact that I'm strong enough to fight the ED voice today. Xx


  1. its good your challenging that never ending voice. day in day out can get to much, but your doing it. i thought mine had silenced for a while, stayed in the background, compared to 10 years ago. its still there making decisions. i think with me i wont budge over a certain weight. i know that i would feel better, just not mentally.

    and although ed clinic helped in others ways, i felt i had to keep my weight down whilst there. strange mind!

  2. Hi Alice!
    I guess my problem IS that I'm too afraid to let my body go over a certain size and of course, that will fuel the ED voice constantly, I often think about how much of my life this voice actually affects- and it's scary!! BTW- I like your Converse pic on your blog... I love the good ol faves and wished I still I had mine from years ago.. and my doc martens that I painted with nail polish!!! Take care hon. XX