Wednesday, 25 March 2009

3 posts in one- A lot going on in head today!!

Watched Supersize V Superskinny last night, on TV. I absoulutely love programmes of this nature; anything about mental health, dieting, nutrition, eat-this-eat-that-DON'T-eat that, man with extra feet- basically anything along those lines facinates me and is my 'entertainment'.

I use them to fuel my knowledge and understanding of the very subject that is slowly destroying me and eating (no punn intended) into my ever shortening life by taking up far too much time!! (thats not gloomy, I mean that life is too short and everyday, it gets shorter).

This particular programme is watched by me & my son while my hubby is out and has become like a Tuesday night regular (and I watch VERY little TV due to short attention span and little interest in anything that's not going to benefit me- sigh!)

Quite obviously, to me anyway, the people on this show are in 2 categories. The skinnies basically have no emotional attatchment to food, aren't really that interested in it and for one reason or another, have just grown up and not really managed to take in enough energy to sustain a healthy body weight and just need to re-learn how to eat enough. The overweight participants, on the other hand, seem to me to have deeper issues in which food has been used as a comfort or an escape from whatever that may be. Bordering on the 'COE' area, which is interesting.... although I'm guessing they were given a certain degree of pyschological grilling before being accepted to go on the show.

Anyways- what I was ACTUALLY wondering WAS: when the underweight lot go away after the show and carry on with their 'new diet plans', how does the same pattern of weight gain not occur in them as it does when recovering physically from Anorexia? In that, we have an un-even weight distribution and gain lots extra body fat due to muscle wasting and fucked up metabolisms.... physically a lot of them have the same body types where their BMI's are well below 17 and due to their poor eating habits, have probably fucked their metabolisms too....?

Any thoughts, any one?

Flesh grabbing and bone feeling- Just sharing my thoughts here....

Just need to stop doing this so much.... maybe cos I don't use scales- it's like a measure. But I think I get used to the way my body 'feels' and then, like now, I can't really tell what the point of me doing it is.... like- when I was mega ill I used to constantly grab my upper arm and if my fingers didn't join, that would have been dreadful!!!! And now- I wonder if it's just an ED habit? A 'thing' that I do out of anxiety, maybe? But it's just something I noticed I do a lot- with my trousers as well- see how much room there is left since I last wore them? But it doesn't actually mean much to me anymore, which I guess is good? Or does it not mean much because everything feels ok now? After a couple of years into 'full physical recovery' I still did this-constantly and HATED what I felt!! I hated flesh above my jeans, flesh on my arms- everywhere- I could have cried everyday at the sight and feel of all that flesh. And now I feel ok with how I am- now I've levelled out the weight thing and have got rid of the 'puppy' fat extra that physical recovery slapped onto random body bits. Now- what I feel is ok. This must be a good thing, it must mean that I'm content with looking how I do, not desiring to be any thinner, feeling good with having the body I've got. I think the biggest issue I have now is that I want to stay this way- which is healthy- but gaining ANY weight is still a massive NO NO. So, is that still a problem??? Conclusion to self: It isn't RIGHT but it's a long way off from being wrong.

Not booked to see my GP like I was going to
I think I feel like I'm just too busy right now... or that I should wait a while- but I can't get my head around what to wait for??? I sometimes worry about reactions I might get from other people, whoever it may be, and if it's not the response I'm looking for- then I wish I hadn't bothered- don't know if i'm making sense today AT ALL. I need a weekend break away from normal run of things to clear some repetitive patterns that may be hindering clear thoughts...

And finally- I'm doing the family a roast dinner tonight with the first-time-ever- that i'll have hand cooked and roasted potatoes!! So i'll post a couple of piccies of that later- just because....! Xx


  1. hi sar

    i watch that programme too. similiar perspectives on the same problem.

    i often set myself time limits on things to do like going to the doc, and wonder what to do, or just leave things.

    my old converse,i had a pair of doc martens too boring black. i get attached to things, and when i have to throw them out i get upset! stupid me.

    good luck with the roast.

  2. I wish I hadn't chucked mine out- although was a very long time ago- everything goes in the loft, now, just-in-case as I attach lots of memories for different reasons to everything nowadays! Xx