Monday, 2 March 2009

Weekend 'mistakes' and VULNERABILTY

Oh, what a strange weekend.... and an eye-opener of one...........
I have had a truly great time, living life as I want/ need but also realising that there are SOOO many 'ED' things still ticking away and affecting what I do far too much.

On Saturday night, we met up with my cousin & boyfriend whom used to spend lots time with but for one reason or other- haven't done in a long while. It was so nice to chat etc with her but one thing she did was comment on my appearance and ask if I was doing ok????? Bearing in mind, its over 6 months when I last saw her and I wondered where she was coming from with that....? I'd posted earlier that day about some 'shakes' I was experiencing and maybe wasn't my best when I saw her.
However- the mistake was that we got back in around midnight and I was very tired and rumbly tummy: I decided to have a hot drink and half a Larabar- I should have the whole bar........ why oh why oh why should I have just had half???????
It was the start of what I think, was not the best mindset to wake up Sunday.

The problem is, that during the week, I have everything 'planned'. I eat breakfast, go to work, eat my snack, eat the same lunch, come home, do whatever then cook some dinner. Weekends just 'aint like that.... and that SHOULDN't be a PROBLEM.

And though I felt much better on Sunday, the way the day was laid out, my meals were all out of 'sync' and I started to feel dizzy and tired.... I even began to analyse what I'd had that day and question if it was ok, foodwise BIG NO SAR!!!!... And i'm cross I did that!!

The last part of the day we were supposed to go out for a meal and it got too late (my son was due back from his dad's at 8pm) and then I had to throw something together and was TOO tired and hungry by then- the meal was a bit of a sad attempt and I ended up having a Seroquel just after to chill me down, try and 'sleep' the day gone so can wake up this morning and have 'new' day.

The other twists was these:
My parents dog passed away (naturally) late Saturday night and I had to break the news to my son when he got in, Sunday night, from his Dad's house. This was worrying me and I knew he would be extremely upset; he was devasted. (R.I.P. Lisha)

Also, we were in a health food store earlier that day and a girl in there had randomly starting telling me which milk tasted good and which didn't and I was chatting away about Almond milk etc thinking how friendly she was- when we left the store, my husband said 'Well.... that was Eating Disorders corner!' and I said 'What do you mean?' He said 'Well, SHE obviously wasn't WELL, I could see that'
It was kind of an off-the-cuff comment and he wasn't being stroppy or rude, just the first line made me wonder why he'd include me that scenario and question how I felt about what had just happened....
All these things just bring home the reality that there is still SO MUCH I need to do for myself to stay well and safe- thats what I hate about ED's.... it can change soooo fast but I don't want to go through the rest of my life looking over my shoulder, making room for if the ED thing just needs to pop in- thats not good enough, I'm just not sure what to do next- for starters though- today needs to be a positive pull-back day, a NEW day and carry on with the good stuff I've implemented so far.

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