Tuesday, 10 March 2009

Control is more than the food...

I was busying about last night, as I do and trying to tidy up and move things about and all that, and I noticed that on my kitchen walls, I have several 'lists' that I don't actually ever pay much attention anymore. I have always been obsessive about lists and tick boxes but have been bit better lately. Thing is, I like to be organised and not forget anything at all. I guess I relate forgetting something or not doing tasks I need to, to failing or letting someone down.

A lot of 'lists' came from the severe restriction of food and I'm sure a great many of us with the ED curse have experienced massive compulsions with lists of food and numbers for calories and groceries etc.

But these lists below are all for different areas of my life and I became aware of how it's spread out for more than just food. But not in a way that made me feel sad, just sparked off in my head that I really do like to plan and control, even stuff that I shouldn't really need to.

I'll go through what the lists are and why I feel I need them.

This one is on my fridge door.

Its my suggested meal plans for each day.

Funny thing with this is, I never really look at it- I know what I eat.

Also- I update it and change it from time to time and each new one that goes up becomes extremely important- like this meal plan is going to be the final be-all end-all best meal plan ever.... until the next one comes along and this one goes in the bin because it is 'silly' and 'not right now'.

This is in my kitchen also.

This list was done when my son started 'Big' school.

It lists items which he needs to ensure he takes to school on certain days.
He is Mr Dis-organised (like most 12 year olds!) and I put this together, mainly for my own peace of mind, to ensure that as the 'Great Parent' that I am, he will NEVER get into trouble for not having his buss pass or sports kit.
I project that by not having these things, there will be knock-on effect that will develop into an unbearable situation.... like- they won't let him on the bus and I'll have gone to work and he won't be able to contact me and then he'll get kidknapped and so on.... OTT I know but then I would feel it was ALL my fault because I didn't check THE LIST.

This one is my diary, as in day-to-day appointments, anniversary log type diary- practical use.

This book goes EVERYWHERE with me.

Funny thing is- there are post-it notes at the front and back of it with even more seperate lists, such as 'next weeks shopping items' 'music to get off i'Tunes' and others too weird and complicated to mention.
In here, there are many practical notes- with tick boxes next to them, of course. There are also other notes regarding things to do/ need doing, that have tick boxes and can cause big anxiety if the boxes don't get ticked. If I lost this book, I think i'd die!!!!! I don't know if you can see it on this pic but on this particular page, there are numbers at the top, where, sadly, I had added up a total of food cals for that day- I DON'T DO THIS ANY MORE!!! I even have codes in circles with LT- do at lunchtime AW- after work AM -before I leave the house for work!!

This is actually one out of the front of my diary and is a copy of the one on the fridge door.

And this one, ( below) is a 'clothing' notepad...... It sits next to my bed and I fill it in everytime I wear a combination of clothes- including boots, jackets, accessories- that I really like the combination and felt good wearing it. I saw this as a positive thing to start with, as it gave me something to use when I became terribly anxious about how I looked- I would search through this notebook and remind myself what I wore on a particular day and then be able to re-create it without pulling on and off millions of tops and all that and getting all hot and bothered and running out of time. I don't write in it very much but when I do, for some reason I do it quite secretly and would be quite embarrassed if someone found it.... I guess maybe I feel weak for having to do that and not be able to just say 'sod it, i'll wear anything'.
IDK.... depends on the day and the occasion and the people we'll be out with.... like food- it's good days and bad days where it's the end of the world to have to get dressed or the best thing ever cos I love my clothes!!!!

However..... I know some of my lists are totally OTT and that it can cause me major anxiety but I do get stuff done and thanks to a lot of them, I'm bloody well organised. I suppose at some point I will try to challenge which ones I can let go of and maybe also, try not taking responsibilty for stuff that my son and husband can ensure gets done by their own means.

Will be posting later after spoke to doc's BUT today is a lot more positive and happy than last few days, I'm feeling a new strength today which is very good! Smiley face today. Later Xx.

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