Is staying 'safe' too much like ED?

I been reading a couple of blogs earlier and it got me to thinking (although this is on mind a lot last few days)... about having 'set' meal times, snacks etc. and not feeling comfortable with anything that disrupts this routine. Thing is, although this is another element of 'control', it's not really a destructive control thing- more a staying well strategy, at a time when I still feel a little vulnerable.



I sometimes question the amount of time I might spend 'planning' for a night out or a meal that I know will be later or earlier than usual but I know that at the end of the day, its to keep me well- to prepare for any ED thoughts and work out a way to get through it PRIOR to them springing upon me and ruining the night.



I've tried, over the last couple of years, doing the 'just block out ED and go enjoy yourself' and have had real good fun- BUT In my (sad) case, I can push the feelings away for a while and tell myself and ED that its ok, and then, it catches up with me and I sink into an overwhelming depression and self-hate- maybe this is because I have a tendency to go TOO FAR the other way.



If I let myself enjoy partying and eating and convince myself that 'it doesn't matter if my favourite jeans are too tight, i'll get some more' or ' doesn't matter if I eat this pizza til I'm stuffed like my friends do because they do it and so it must be ok for me to as well'- only difference being that I just can't deal with my favourite normal size jeans being too tight or being too far above my nonormal weight range, because much as I want to be well and healthy- I definately don't want those things happening either !!!! I won't and wasn't- happy with that either.



So maybe its just me and I should still still be in therapy working out what my problem is??????



I know what the problem is already- my ED is just SO deeply en-grained into my life that by doing things the way I am trying to now, I can hopefully suceed in over-powering it.



I guess its like this- Of course I'm looking forward to a time when I've conquered this ED FULLY and can confidently go about life without it but if it means having to compromise for a short time and do it really, really slowly, then its worth it. I know 'Life is too short' n all that..... but after relapse and relapse, I just want to GET IT RIGHT and not just THINK I'VE GOT IT RIGHT. I'll keep working on it and finding solutions to the things ED throws back at me- and with lots of practice, i'll get there.

HAVING SAID ALL THAT, THESE ARE MY ACHIEVEMENTS SO FAR THIS MONTH:

• Started to eat good-quality (protein, starch, fat) regular meals and snacks to keep energy levels up and stable
• Stopped eating just safe foods and incorporated eating foods I like and would eat if ED didn't try and stop me
• STOPPED COUNTING CALORIES- A real biggy for me- I've ALWAYS done this for years and years and to let that go, regardless of any other 'controls' I have, is a big head rush for me personally!!

So, on the plus side here, I'm pretty chuffed with this for now and it means I'm going in the right direction :)