Monday, 16 March 2009

Explaining yourself based on BMI/ Weight

This is a bit of a rant but terribly frustrating, I feel I just need to shout very loudly and somehow make somebody listen.

Here's how it is:

Right now, I'm having a few physical problems with different ailments but I'm trying my best to look after myself and seem to be, overall, doing ok.

I 'm doing my meal plans and eating a wide range of foods, from all food groups and although it's sometimes very hard, and ED will poke it's ugly head in (whats new?),I'm managing it all better than I have in a long, long time. And when ED issues come up- I try to rationilize them, deal with it, make it better and learn from it, which I've never had the strength to try and do before.

Problem is this: because I have dropped a few pounds (I don't have scales BTW, just clothes to go by) there are a few people starting to notice and question my health in relation to the ED. Some of them are people very close to me, whom care about me and are concerned and some are village gossips who love nothing better than to find a 'scandel' or something amiss to fill their sad little lives with the business of others rather than deal with their own sh*t.

However, regardless of who they are and the reason for their concern, ONE THING that winds me up the most is this- mentally, I am far stronger, far more stable and far happier and content with my life RIGHT NOW than I have been for the last 4 years, despite being at a bit lower weight than I have been BUT am definately not underweight in a cause for concern type way. And -over the last 18 months, where I have been at a weight a little over 'ideal', I have been in an ED hell which has caused the most horrendous personal problems relating to alcohol, aggression, binge eating & vomiting, depression and many other mental disorders, all based around the fact that I had recovered physically, but definately NOT MENTALLY.

Yet, no-one really understood, if they knew at all, which most didn't. I covered it well so as not to draw attention to myself, having been hospitalized a year previous, I had to be seen to be well and hold down a life.

People would make comments constantly on how well they thought I was doing and all that and I just wanted to cry and scream at them and tell them that the hell going on in my head was far worse than at any other time and I just couldn't deal with it. But it didn't matter- because I looked well, so I should just be thankful for that. Human nature, I guess..... sigh

And now, it's like the opposite way round- where I may not 'look' terribly well BUT definately don't need anyone fussing as I'm doing ok ED wise, (which is the demon in my life) and feeling pretty damn good.

I just wish there had been as much support on offer when I actually needed it, when I was at breaking point several times over the last year- and not really now when life is pretty good on a personal, mental health level.

I guess I'm just ranting on as it seems so so so unfair that now I'm feeling happy and levelled out, it can't be accepted by others as all they seem to want is to see 'a bit of colour in my cheeks' and 'a bit more flesh on my bones'

RANT OVER. Just needed to vent a little. I know it's only cos they care. I just sometimes need to get it out so that I don't have to keep toying with it in my head. Kind of, get it out and move on.
Have a good day peeps. Xx

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