Tuesday, 10 March 2009

Oh, soooo tired but REALLY trying, yes I am!!

I Found that peanut butter, the White Chocolate Wonderful.... they've re-named it Vanilla Heaven and I've ordered a load of it off of a website who supply UK with American goodies (http://www.americansweets.co.uk/)

- not to say that my own creation isn't ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL!!! I have it daily and even got my son, Max (who claims to disklike PB) eating it from the jar with a spoon!!

As regards me, I don't really know how I feel right now. Do you ever wish that you could hold on to a 'feeling' or a way of living, forever? Like, when you've had a really good, positive week and feel so in-control and free at same time???? Let me try and explain.... a couple of weeks ago, when I started this blog, I'd set myself some goals and aims for getting it all together, ED wise. And I'm doing really good. Just my health is proper going down-hill and I'm not entirely sure why.....?

I know, deep down, that years of abuse via Eating Disorders, is most probably to blame for a lot of the health problems I'm having now. Also, the fact that i'm nearly 33, not 23 anymore means I prob can't keep 'getting away with it'-It seems almost a little ironic that the first time I've actually got somewhere with sorting this ED from it's roots and trying to do it all in little steps and do it right, is the first time now that I'm having medical implications that it's caused.

Yes, I've had digestive trouble and dental problems and circulation irregularities but it's all been stuff that I can put right or at least, make better.

The scary on it now is irreversible complications that may have worsened and be starting to affect me physically; I just feel so unwell generally. I'm hoping that a minor case of iron deficiency can be blamed for it but I'll see when I get my bloods back tommorow and take it from there. It's easy to imagine the worst possible out-comes- i'm an expert in that!!

So... what am I eating then? Just for fun, I like to share!

I'm doing the All-bran, soya milk & chopped Kiwi for my brekkie, right now. I tried for a week or so, not portioning it out i.e. random cereal & milk amounts but I found I was probably under-estimating a little on a proper size, so I've begun to measure it, just until I can comfortably do it with no second thought (I don't liked doing this but for now it ensures I get my full portion, no anxiety)

I always have my Trek bar mid-morning- it lasts for about half-hour and is truly fantastic. I could eat thse for every meal (I know that's wrong and I WOULDN'T!). I also got my Larabars by post delivery the other day, in a variety of yummy flavours, so i'll be swapping some Trek days for Larabars.

Lunch is ALWAYS a sarnie....... cashew nut butter and marmite and white cabbage OR white choc PB & cabbage (that's sooooo yummy, honestly- try it). I WAS having a glass of soya milk with that but I haven't brought it to work with me last couple of days- I guess I need to get back to making sure I do that, only a little thing but very important to me on a pyschological level.

Afternoons- usually an apple & babybel lite cheese and a few cups of coffee with Hazelnut+ Almond Rice Milk. Or, if I feel I need it- another bar or a small cereal & soya milk.

And dinner is dinner. I feel like I'm doing really well with the flexibility on this meal. My family are lovin that I will eat pizza with them and cook curry or spaghetti and stuff that I never bothered with before. So that's good.... Again, my portions should maybe be a little bigger but I just can't fit it in right now- maybe I have to look at that once I know whats goin on with my body, after tommorow's results. I feel like I'm making excuses, waiting for these tests to come back but it's worrying me greatly right now and I guess I just don't want the extra anxiety until I know what I'm dealing with. And, I'm just SOOOOO tired. But I will be fine and will carry on with the good stuff- the good thoughts- the happy-positive- I'm not going to be beaten thoughts- always. X

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